by LL Collins
Had she seen Devin? Was he really here with her in the hospital? She knew she had seen him, but was now confused between her dreams and her reality. No one was in the room right now. She had no idea what time it was, but a quick look out her windows showed her that it was dark.
What was she doing here again? What had happened to her? Closing her eyes again, she wracked her brain to remember. Both of her arms were hurt. Her body ached, as did her head. Was she in a car accident? She heard Devin’s voice in her head just like he had been here talking. She must be losing her mind, because it had been over five years since the last time she saw him, yet here she was, dreaming about him and thinking he was here with her. But he wasn’t.
What was the last thing she remembered doing? Was she at home? Work? God, it was so frustrating not to know. She hated not being in control, and she definitely wasn’t now. She couldn’t even get up. Briefly, she wondered if anyone was here with her at all, but she didn’t have to wait long to find out. The door started opening slowly, and she tried to see who it was. The room was mostly dark, with only a small light on inside the bathroom. Whoever was there was trying to be quiet as not to wake her. She watched as the person closed the door softly, then headed to her bed. Maybe a doctor? She could tell it wasn’t Kayley because the figure was too big, too tall.
The dark figure approached her bed. She fought with her eyes to adjust so she could see, and she gasped out loud. She looked back at her arms to make sure she wasn’t still dreaming, then at the window again. Yes, she was still in the hospital bed. “Devin?” She couldn’t believe she was being so ridiculous. She was probably making a fool of herself in front of a doctor or nurse.
“You’re awake.” The timbre of his voice settled deep inside her. The same voice she had been dreaming about. “How are you feeling?” He stepped away to turn on the small light over the sink, and all she could do was hope that when he turned the light on, she would see what she was wishing she was seeing.
The light flicked on and turned back to her. She gasped at the sight of him. It was him. “I …” She struggled to clear her throat, and he immediately picked up a cup of water by the bed and lifted the straw to her lips. Feeling the cool water soothing her parched throat, her eyes never left his. Now that the light was on, she took in his dark, tousled hair, the deep blue of his eyes, and what seemed to be a few days of growth on his face. Tracking her eyes down his body, she could see a peek of the tattoo she loved so much on his arm.
“I’m awake? You’re really here?”
Devin stepped up to the bed, looking down at her, his eyes serious. “Yes, Rachel. I’ve been here for almost a week. You don’t remember seeing me, talking to me when you woke up before?”
Rachel thought back. “Why?”
Devin didn’t need to ask what she meant—he knew. Without stopping to think what he was doing, he slipped off his shoes and pulled back her sheets. Once she realized what he was doing, she attempted to scoot over, though it was difficult with both of her arms having limited movement. “It’s okay. I’ll be careful.” She wondered why in the world he wanted to be here at all, much less to lay down in a small hospital bed next to her, but she was too afraid to say anything. She never thought she’d see him again, and here he was, climbing into bed with her.
As soon as he settled himself carefully next to her, he helped her sit up slightly so he could arrange himself, then lay her back so that she fit right in the crook of his arm, where he loved her most. She noticed that it was her favorite arm—the one with the tattoo. She turned her face automatically, her body remembering what she used to do. She caught herself before she kissed his arm, and stiffened.
“Why are you here?” The smell of him, the warmth, it had tears pricking in the back of her eyes. “What happened to me?”
“Rachel.” Her name coming off his lips was enough to send tears rolling out of her eyes. Turning her face into him as much as she could, she didn’t understand what was going on, but was also afraid to know. Tenderly wiping them from her eyes, she allowed herself to get lost in his gaze. “You’re so beautiful. I missed you.” Her stomach clenched at his words. She hadn’t heard them in so long, the rasp and gentleness of his voice just did her in. Sobs wracked her body, and he stroked her back as she cried, soaking his shirt. “Get it all out, honey. I’m here.”
“Tell me, Devin. I need to know,” she finally said. He heard the spark in her voice and knew. She wouldn’t stop until she knew.
“You don’t remember waking up before? Talking to me?”
She thought, but all that could come to her head were the amazing dreams she had been having. “All I remember is dreams I was having—about you. I dreamed about the first time we ever went camping, the night we met each other, and us …”
“What?” Devin prodded her. She had been dreaming what he had been talking to her about.
A blush crept across her cheeks, even through the bruises. “Us making love. But I don’t remember actually seeing you here, talking to you. Or maybe I do, but I just can’t tell what is real and what isn’t.”
Devin grinned. “I was sitting right here next to you, talking to you, for days. I was telling you all of the stories of us.” He couldn’t help it; he was overcome. He leaned his head down and brushed his lips to hers, and she whimpered. “God,” he breathed. “I missed you so much, Rachel Dawson. So damn much I can’t believe what an idiot I was to let this much time go by.”
“How did you find me?” Her voice was low and strained with emotion. His kiss had reminded her of what she had missed for so long, and she didn’t know if she could take him walking away again.
“Well,” he began, pressing one more soft kiss to her lips. “You’ve been through a really rough week, Rachel. Do you remember anything at all?” He didn’t want to remind her that she had indeed remembered before, and they had given her sedatives to calm her. He wasn’t going to be the one responsible for a reaction like she had last time.
Rachel studied his face as her brain processed his words. She thought back, tried to think of the last thing she remembered. “Why can’t you just tell me?”
“I don’t want to,” Devin admitted. “I’m scared.”
Rachel’s eyes flew to his again. “It was that bad?” She looked at herself, felt her sore body, and knew it wasn’t a car accident. “I was attacked, wasn’t I?”
“What do you remember as far as who your friends are, where you work, things like that?” Rachel narrowed her eyes at him, knowing he was using a cop tactic on her. He wasn’t going to tell her.
“I work at In Loving Hands Therapy Center,” she started. He realized she didn’t elaborate on what she actually did there. “I live in my parents’ beach house off Sunset. My friend Kayley is always there for me …” A flash of memory attacked her, and she closed her eyes against it.
“Let it come,” Devin whispered. “But, hold on to me, okay? And make sure you let me in.”
Her body shook with the anticipation of what she was about to remember. It was right there, on the edge of her consciousness. A dark, brooding figure leaning over her. Hurting her. Screaming at her. Yelling, noise, shots. Justin.
“Look at me,” Devin demanded in a voice that made her immediately lock her eyes on his. “Talk. Tell me what you’re seeing. You can’t keep it all inside, or you will end up right where you were before. You were already awake once, but they drugged you. I know you don’t want that, Rachel. Fight through it.”
She closed her eyes briefly, and Justin’s face flashed in front of her. Angry, mean, and hateful eyes bored into hers. The body that had loved her but it had all been a lie. He had then used it in the worst way possible. The news story. The cops. Kayley. Devin.
“You were there, weren’t you?” Rachel looked up at him. Devin nodded, bringing his hand gently to cup the side of her face. She leaned into it as tears ran down her face again. “Justin. He was Mark Stevenson, right?” Devin nodded again as she processed her memories. “He hurt me.”
“I met him almost three months ago, th—the anniversary of the day we broke up. Every year, I go somewhere and drink away the memory—of you. Of us.” Devin stared at her. Every year? She hadn’t moved on any more than he had.
“We … hooked up. But he quickly became possessive, jealous. I never wanted to be in a relationship with him, but I didn’t have a choice. I mean, he was nice, over the top nice when he wanted to be, and romantic. Now I know he was just playing me.”
“Had he hurt you before that day?” Devin’s fists were clenched. He wasn’t sure he could hear what the asshole had done.
“Yes.” Her voice was so quiet, he barely heard her. “He grabbed my arm so hard it bruised. Then, he hit me so hard in the face I couldn’t go to work for a week.”
Rachel looked up at Devin as a strangled noise came from his throat without warning. His face was twisted, tortured. “He did what?” He wanted to punch something. No, he needed to punch something. But she needed him more.
“I had just gone back to work, and he threatened me to not talk to Kayley. Well, she showed up for lunch. She started telling me about this news story she had seen, and the guy had resembled Justin. She told me to check it out. So, when she left, I found it online and realized it was him. I was going to go to the cops, I was leaving work when—when …”
Her body started shaking again, and he held her as tightly as he could without hurting her. “You’re safe,” Devin repeated. God, he hoped she didn’t shut down again. He didn’t know if he could take it.
“He was outside. He was so angry. He hurt me, shoved me into the truck. He was driving like a crazy person, and I remember wishing he would crash so I could get away. Then, we got stopped by the cops and he, he … Dev, I can’t.” She kissed his neck softly, not able to stop herself from tasting him. She still felt like she was in a dream. She had so many questions, so many things they both needed to know. But for now, all she wanted to do was lie here, feeling his body around her for the first time in a really long time.
Devin closed his eyes, lost in the feeling of Rachel’s lips pressed to his neck. He was trying to tell his body to calm down, to not react in the way it wanted. Rachel wasn’t up for his desire, his want. She just needed him there for her. He tipped her head back gently, brushing her hair back. Her face was so bruised and discolored; of course she didn’t know that yet. But she was still the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. Her eyes searched his, and she smiled as he leaned over her, his nose touching hers.
“Rachel,” he breathed. “You’ve been through a lot. We have so much to talk about, but I want you to know something.” He rubbed his nose with hers, then pressed his lips to hers briefly. “Absolutely nothing you can tell me about what happened will make me leave. I’m not going anywhere. Not ever again. We’re going to get through this, work everything out.”
She wished that was true, she really did. But when he asked, which she knew he would, about that night, the night that she just couldn’t go back to, especially not now, he would go. Again. And this time, she would die. She knew it.
“You saved me, didn’t you.” It wasn’t a question. She already knew.
“Well, me and my team,” Devin answered.
“Did you know it was me in there?”
“No. But the moment I saw you, I swear all of my training went out the window. All I could think of was killing the guy that was hurting you. Thankfully my team was there to take him down and secure the scene. I could’ve gotten us all killed. But all I cared about was you—you scared the shit out of me. You were so still, so lifeless … and I thought …”
“You’re my knight, aren’t you, Devin? There with your white horse to save the day.” There was a slight gleam in her eye, and it made him laugh.
“Well, I don’t see any white horses around, but I’m sure as shit glad I was there. I can’t believe that this,” he indicated around them, “is what brought us back together after all this time.”
“Last I heard, you were in Miami,” she admitted. “What brought you here?”
“You knew I was in Miami?”
Rachel blushed, hiding her face. “Yes. I found out from Millie at the station. I didn’t stay long either. I moved here not long after you left.”
There it was again, that pit in his stomach. “Rach, why aren’t you a therapist?”
She looked away, but he gently moved her face back towards him. “I quit, Devin. I quit school and left town. There were just too many memories. Too much loss.” She couldn’t get in to the rest with him right now. It just wasn’t the time or place. She yawned, noticing that the sun seemed to be coming up outside. “He hurt me.” She wasn’t sure which he she was referring to at this point.
“He made me do things … with my mouth, while the cops were checking his information. I knew I had to do something, or he was going to kill me. So, I bit him and then ran from the truck. But of course, somehow Justin, Mark whatever his name is, got away after shooting at the cop, and took me back home. That’s where the rest happened.”
“Did he rape you?” Devin didn’t know if he could handle this answer, but he pretty much already knew. He had just been hoping she had at least had consensual sex with the bastard.
Tears leaked from Rachel’s eyes as she began shivering again. “Yes. I can’t even tell you how many times. I have no idea how long I was even tied up, but he would alternate between beating me and raping me, all while calling me horrible names. He would even call me other women’s names.”
“Do you think you could remember the names? It may be other victims that he had. You know the cops are going to want to talk to you once you are up for it, right?”
“I’ll do whatever I can to put that bastard away for life.” He loved that the spitfire Rachel was there, just under the surface. She rested her head against his chest again, and before he knew it, she was asleep. He watched the rise and fall of her chest, and felt her warm breath against his shirt. He knew that the calm she showed tonight was a farce, and she had quite a road ahead of her. And he would be there. Every step of the way.
“How are the nightmares?” Dr. Troast adjusted his glasses, peering at her over the rim. This was her first outpatient visit with him. He had seen her several times while she was in the hospital. She had been out only two days. She had adjusted to using the arm in the cast for most things, since the other one was still stuck to her side until it healed fully.
True to his word, Devin hadn’t left her side. It still floored her that he had been part of the SWAT team that had rescued her. She had found out since then that he had taken the job there because he wanted a new, more challenging position. He had never known where she was, even though he had wanted to look many times. But, they still hadn’t talked about their past at all. She was trying to block what would happen once he knew out of her mind.
She was barely functioning. As much as she told herself she was being utterly ridiculous, she couldn’t stop the overwhelming fear from taking over. When she closed her eyes, all she saw and heard was Justin. She couldn’t sleep for fear of the horrid nightmares that would wake her up screaming and crying. Devin had been lying in bed with her, his arms wrapped around her, every single night. But it didn’t matter. Noises that she heard would make her shake, even if it was something normal like a dog barking or a car horn. She was constantly on edge. She couldn’t step foot into her house, wasn’t even going to try, so she had been staying with Devin.
“I’m not sleeping. Everything scares me. I realize how ridiculous it is, and I try to tell myself to stop it, that I’m fine, but I can’t. I’m afraid to sleep because of the nightmares. I have flashbacks at any time of the day. I can’t eat. I’m sick and tired of letting him rule me.”
“Rachel,” Dr. Troast’s voice was warm, s
oothing. “You’ve been through a lot. What you are going through is completely normal for someone who has gone through all that you have. I know you expect to just snap your fingers and forget what has happened, but you can’t. It just isn’t going to work that way. What we need to figure out is how you can calm yourself down in the moment. You have all the signs of PTSD.”
“PTSD? Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Are you serious?”
“Yes. It’s more common than you may think, especially given the trauma you have been through. It doesn’t have to stick around forever, and it won’t. I would like to add an anxiety medication to your regular therapy. I think it may help you get through the worst of it.”
Rachel blinked. “Medicine? You want me to take medicine? I’m not crazy!”
Dr. Troast shook his head. “No, you aren’t crazy. You are a normal person who has endured something that many people would struggle to come back from. You’re a fighter, Rachel, and that’s what has gotten you where you are today. And your support system,” he indicated the waiting room, “your own personal bodyguard, your friends, your parents, they have all been here for you every second. Not everyone has that kind of support. From what I understand, you’re also going to have to testify in court against Mark, is that right?”
Mark. The name crossing the doctor’s lips made her shudder. Immediately she was back in the house, tied to the chair while he smacked her, punched her, then ripped her panties off and entered her, not caring that she didn’t want it.
“Rachel.” His voice broke through. “Where are you right now? Let’s work through it.”
“When we got to the house, he was so mad that I had bitten him and told the cops who he was. He had yanked me from the truck so hard, he snapped my arm,” she indicated her cast, “and I was screaming in pain, it hurt so bad. He smacked me so hard across the face that I passed out. When I woke up, I was tied to a dining room chair, and I was wearing only my shirt and panties. When he saw that I was awake, he walked over with a nasty look on his face. He started taunting me, calling me names, smacking me. Then, he got this look on his face, and I knew. He was excited. I started begging …” Rachel covered her mouth with her hand, not containing the sob that snuck out anyway.