by LL Collins
Dr. Troast handed her a tissue, but stayed silent. “I begged him, please don’t. Please. But it didn’t matter. He ripped off my underwear, made me take him in my mouth, then he … he …” She looked to the door. She needed Devin.
“Finish it,” the doctor prodded her gently. “The more you bottle it up, the worse the flashback will be next time.”
“He raped me. I thought it would never be over. He just kept going and going and going. Once he was done, for that time, he punched me in the face.”
“Good, Rachel. You processed through that perfectly. This isn’t going to be easy for you, or for your boyfriend. But, he needs to be there to listen every time one of these things pops up. You need to come at least twice a week for therapy, and I want you to start this prescription tonight. If you have any weird side effects, let me know, but this is a very small dose so it should just let you rest and relax while we work through the issues in therapy. And if you need me, at any time, I’m going to give you my cell phone number. If Devin can’t calm you, have him call me. Or you call me. You will get through this, Rachel. If I’ve ever seen a person that could, it’s you.”
Rachel was still stuck on her calling Devin her boyfriend. Was he really? He hadn’t let her out of his sight at all, but they still hadn’t addressed the elephant in the room. The past. She knew it was only a matter of time before he would want to know about that, too. She didn’t have to be a doctor to know that this was adding to her stress, as well.
“One more thing, before I go,” she forced the words from her mouth before she talked herself out of it. Dr. Troast focused his eyes back on her. “I … Devin and I have a past. We actually hadn’t seen each other in over 5 years when he just happened to be on the SWAT team that helped rescue me from … from … Mark. He hasn’t left my side since.”
“But?”
Rachel looked at the door, her heart squeezing. “I’m afraid that once I’m better, he will want to know what happened when we broke up.”
“And you don’t want to tell him.”
“I didn’t tell him the truth back when we broke up.”
“Why not?”
“Because he had found something out, and if I would’ve told him the truth, he would’ve lost his job going after the guy.”
Dr. Troast frowned. “I’m not sure what you are even saying, Rachel. What I’m going to tell you is this. You have a long way to go to heal from what you’ve been through. If being with him is going to hinder you, then you need to let him go.” He must’ve seen the horrified look on her face, and he cleared his throat. “Well, if you don’t want to let him go, then talk to him. Nothing good is ever going to come by continuing the deception.”
Devin stood up as Rachel opened the door to the doctor’s office. Searching her face for any sign of her emotional state, he was relieved when she smiled that breathtaking smile of hers. He stepped up to her and kissed her gently. The bruises were fading, almost completely covered by makeup now. But, the scars that were inside her were another story altogether.
“Ready to go?” He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her gently towards him.
“Yes. Let’s go home.” Home. Hearing her say that one simple word made his heart thrum wildly in his chest. God, he wanted to be her home again. She had been staying with him since she was released from the hospital. The investigation was finished at her house, but she couldn’t go back there, and he didn’t blame her. He and her parents had moved her things out of the house while she was still in the hospital, and her parents had put the beach house back up for vacation rental. When Rachel was ready, he would help her find her own place. What he really hoped, however, was that she would want to stay with him. Forever.
Devin carefully helped her into the car, then walked around to the driver’s side, stifling a yawn. He was exhausted after over two weeks with little to no sleep. But he wouldn’t trade one moment of it. He couldn’t believe his boss had been so understanding, but he had to break the news to her tonight that he had to return to work in two days.
“I’m sorry,” Rachel said softly as soon as he started the engine. Devin looked at her in surprise as tears filled her eyes.
“Honey,” he reached over and caught a tear rolling down her cheek. “What are you sorry for? What’s the matter?”
“Y—you didn’t ask to have to deal with a fucked up me,” she sobbed. “W—we haven’t seen each other in years and now you’re taking care of me. I—I don’t want you to think that you have to do that, Devin. My parents are still here, I can go stay with them.”
He cupped her face with both hands, rubbing his thumb over her lip, still slightly split from her attack. “Rachel Elise Dawson. Listen to me. Are you listening? Really listening?”
She nodded, sucking in a ragged breath. “I’ve been holding off on telling you this, because I didn’t want to overwhelm you, make you feel any more confused than you already have been. But, I want you to get something straight. Do we have shit to work out? Absolutely. I haven’t forgotten. But that day, when I saw you tied to that chair with a gun to your head? It changed the way I see things. I couldn’t give a fuck about what happened to us when we were young and stupid. I can’t live without you again, Rachel. The first time almost killed me. I was only a fraction of myself for all of these years—please don’t make me do it again. I don’t think I’ll survive it. You are now and have always been it for me. You are my beginning, middle, and end. I’m only me when I’m with you. I’ve only lived marginally over the last 5 years. Don’t you see? Neither one of us moved on because we’re meant to be, Rachel. You are mine. For good this time, if you’ll have me.”
Rachel looked into his deep blue eyes, the ones she had loved every day of her adult life, and she couldn’t believe what he had just said. After all she had put him through, the horrible things that had happened to her, he still said all of that. He didn’t think she was disgusting or vile for having been violated by a sick criminal. He didn’t want to run for the hills. Instead, he had spent every day of the last two weeks by her side, much of it before she was even awake. But even so, the nagging, persistent thought that continued in the back of her mind was still there. Once he knew, he would think differently.
“I can see it in your eyes right now,” he whispered. “You don’t believe me. You don’t think you deserve my unconditional love. But you do. You always have. I will never stop making it up to you, the years we lost. I was stupid and pigheaded. We all make mistakes; hell I know I’ve made many myself. So whatever doubt is in your mind, get rid of it. I’m not leaving. I’m not.”
She closed her eyes, resting her cheek against his palm. “I just can’t believe that this is happening. It’s so surreal to me, that you want to be with me—like this,” she indicated her injuries. “I’m broken, Devin. I’m not the same person I was before.”
“That’s not true,” he said, resting his forehead against hers. “That’s not true at all. We will get past this, together. You are not broken. Please don’t ever think that of yourself. Let me love you, Rachel. Let me show you what you deserve. Not what that asshole thought you deserved. He screwed with your head, made you think that was what love really is. You and I are love. I. Love. You. Do you hear me?”
“You won’t love me,” she whispered, her voice hitching. “You won’t. You think you do now, but you will learn everything and you’ll leave again.”
“I will not,” he answered emphatically. “No running. For either of us. Ever again.” He kissed her eyelids, then nose, and finally, her lips. Her body shuddered with emotion as she released the tension she had been feeling. “Let me take you home, Rachel.”
She nodded, her eyes still shut. She wanted to tell him; she did. That she loved him more than she could ever love anyone. That he had been and always would be it for her. That she was so thankful he was here; that he had saved her life in more than just the literal sense. But she couldn’t make the words come, because when it all fell apart again, at least she would’v
e kept that one part of her heart safe.
“Time for meds,” Devin said gently, waking her from her nap. She felt like a toddler these days—she had to have several naps a day in order to function at all. It was really irritating. She just wanted to get back to her life.
Helping her sit up, Devin handed her a cup with her pain meds, antibiotics, and new one—the anxiety med. “Your parents are going to be here later with dinner, and Kayley and Ben are stopping by with the kids. They promised not to stay long.”
Rachel grinned. She was so happy to see her friends and those adorable children. “No, I want them to stay as long as they can. I’m tired of feeling like an invalid. Speaking of that,” she smiled seductively, forcing the flirtatious her to come out and play. Devin raised his eyebrow at her, knowing that look very, very well.
He stood up quickly, knocking over her water bottle in his haste. “I know that look,” he laughed. “And no way, Rachel. You aren’t ready for that.”
She scooted herself to the end of her bed and stood up, using her casted arm to shove her yoga pants down until they pooled on the floor. “Rachel.” Devin’s voice warned. She giggled, stepping towards him. She knew she couldn’t get her own shirt off, but he could take care of that.
“What did you tell me earlier, Dev? Did you mean it?”
His eyes flashed. “Of course I meant it. But—this … you aren’t ready, Rachel. Don’t do this. Don’t use your body to try to prove something to me or yourself. I want to make love to you, but not like this—not so soon after …”
Anger surged through her veins like a wildfire in dry brush. She marched back to her bed and carefully climbed under the covers, fighting back the tears that threatened to come. She wanted to tell him off, push him away and make him leave. But she was trying hard to stop herself from doing it. She knew, deep down, that he was right, but the rejection stung.
“You don’t want me,” she said, picking the covers with her fingers. “Because of him.”
Devin crossed the room so fast, she barely had time to register that he was sitting in front of her on the bed. “Don’t do this, Rachel. You want a reason to push me away. You know that you’re using your body to try to prove something. I know you. You don’t have to throw yourself at me so you can prove to yourself that I want you. I. Want. You. Badly. But I refuse to take advantage of the state of mind you are in right now. When we make love for the first time in a long time, it’s going to be perfect. I’m going to love every inch of you, over and over and over. But right now, you don’t need sex. You need to heal, and you need me to be there for you. And I am. Okay?”
She smiled, leaning towards him and pressing her lips against his. He pushed against her, tracing her lips with his tongue. Opening her mouth, she wished she could take her arms and run them through his hair, or down his chiseled chest. Entwining her tongue with his, a moan reverberated through her chest. He tasted like cinnamon toothpaste, still his favorite, and him. Deepening the kiss, she scooted as close as she could, and he gently lifted her onto his lap. Feeling his desire fueled her, and she moved her legs so she could rub against him. My God, nothing had felt that good for as long as she could remember.
“Dev,” she whispered against his lips. “Take him away from me. Don’t let him have that part of me anymore.” He groaned, knowing what she was asking, but he couldn’t. Not this way.
Running his hands up her bare legs to the scrap of lace that was there, he touched her through her panties, practically losing it the second he felt her warmth. He wanted her more than he had ever wanted anything in his life, but he knew if he did, it wouldn’t turn out well. Rachel had a way of stuffing things aside so she didn’t have to deal with them, and that’s exactly what she was doing.
“Touch me,” she begged. Damn, why did she have to beg? “I need it.”
Growling, his resolve dissipated. He moved her panties aside and touched her soft wetness, running his fingers back and forth until she squirmed under him, then he gently took one finger and touched her inside, waiting for her reaction. When she arched her back and rubbed herself against his hand, it took all he had to not explode like a teenager seeing a girl for the first time.
As she reached down for his pants, he snapped back to reality. He pulled back gently and took her off his lap. “Honey,” he said. “We need to stop.”
Rachel’s eyes flashed. “You’re afraid to touch me, aren’t you? They tested me, Dev. I didn’t get any diseases or anything from him, I promise!” Her voice was getting higher, hysterical.
Devin kneeled next to her. Rachel’s eyes were closed and she was rocking gently on the bed. “Look at me, Rachel. Please.” Her reaction was making him scared that she was reverting back.
She opened her eyes and looked at him blankly. She felt rejected and alone, like always. She rolled over as well as she could with both of her arms, and closed her eyes, not answering him. “I’m tired,” she whispered, tears filling her eyes.
She felt him sigh, then move behind her on the bed, covering her with the blanket. “I’m not afraid to touch you, Rachel. I want nothing more. But you aren’t ready. When you are, I’m going to make love to you all night long. Until then, I’m going to lay next to you every night, telling you that I love you and wrapping my arms around you to help you feel safe.”
Rachel didn’t answer, just rolled over, closing her eyes and waiting to hear him leave. Moments later, she heard the rumble of his motorcycle, and she wished that she could be down there with him, riding away, her arms wrapped around him like they used to when times were carefree and simple. Things weren’t simple anymore, and she wouldn’t blame him if he drove away and never came back. She allowed the escape of sleep to take her away, the relief from the pain only temporary.
“How’s she doing?” Kayley hugged Devin, then turned to grab the baby from Ben.
Devin blew his breath out and ran his hands through his hair. “Well, it’s definitely up and down. I just never know how she’s going to feel next. I feel helpless, to be honest. I can’t help her when she starts panicking. Nothing helps. Like earlier, we came back from one of her appointments and she just starts …” he broke off, looking down the hall at the closed door. “She threw herself at me, wanted me to … you know. And when I refused because she isn’t ready, she started crying and saying I didn’t want her, that she had been tested and all this other random stuff. I couldn’t get through to her, Kayley. She just closed herself off and went to sleep. It’s all she does lately. Then when she is sleeping, she wakes up screaming so chillingly that I can only imagine what she’s seeing. She won’t ever talk about it, and then she’ll stay up the rest of the night, staring into space.”
Ben stepped up next to Kayley, looking over his shoulder quickly to make sure Alexis and Benji were occupied before he started talking. “She’s been through hell, Dev. The best way to describe it is like she went to war and now she’s home. She has no idea how to sort through all of these feelings that she has, and she’s haunted every time she closes her eyes. She went through something that most people can only imagine. You are helping, just by being here. It’s natural that she would want to turn to something that has always worked for her … using her body. She is looking to connect to you in a way that she can understand, so that’s what she could come up with. She’s so afraid of what is happening in her mind. Just keep being here. That’s the best thing you can do for her. She’s going to get angry at you, push you away, then pull you back. If you can hang on with her, she will get through it.”
Devin nodded. “I’m not going anywhere. No matter what. Kayley, would you mind going to see if she’s up? Her parents will be here soon, and she was really looking forward to seeing all of you.”
“Mommy!” Alexis ran up to her mom. “Can I see Auntie Rachel?”
Kayley kissed the top of her head. “Let me go see if she’s up from her nap first, okay sweetie?” Alexis nodded, then ran back to sit next to Benji on the couch.
“Go see how she is,�
� he whispered, taking Cierra from her arms. “If anyone can make her feel better, it’s you, baby.” He pressed a quick kiss to her lips, and she smiled at her thoughtful husband.
Kayley headed down the hall, her hands clammy in anticipation. Sure, she had seen Rachel many times since her ordeal, but she was still nervous to see her friend that way. What if she couldn’t get through to her?
Opening the door, she slipped in quietly. The evening light was illuminating Rachel’s sleeping body huddled in the middle of the bed. Even in sleep, she looked like she was defending herself against the world.
Perching herself carefully on the edge of the bed, she listened to Rachel’s steady, even breathing. Her red hair was fanned out behind her, covering most of the pillow. Her eyes were shut tightly, her injured arm resting immobile against her side. It was crazy to her to think that she had been friends with Rachel for over five years, yet only now did she feel like she really knew her.
“Rachel,” she whispered, reaching her hand out to touch her shoulder gently. She didn’t want to do anything to startle her, but wanted to start rousing her from her nap. “It’s Kayley. We’re here to visit you! The kids are out there too and are so excited to see their Auntie Rachel.”
Rachel stirred, squeezing her eyes even more tightly shut. A moan erupted from her lips, causing Kayley to stir. “NO!” she shouted, causing Kayley to jump in surprise. Realizing Rachel was still sleeping and wasn’t talking to her, she put her hand on her again, this time with a little more pressure.