The Pretenders

by Rebecca Hanover

“It was weird seeing me and Pippa together too,” she reminds me. “But you got used to it.”

  I don’t tell her that, for reasons I can’t explain, I will never, ever get used to this.

  I still haven’t spoken to Levi alone. And Ollie must have noticed I haven’t made eye contact with him, but maybe he’s too busy catching up with his DNA replica to care. Ollie, for his part, looks really relieved Levi’s okay.

  Jane finds us at dinner. She informs us that the graffiti has been scoured off the Similars’ doors. “I’m writing a response to that unacceptable blog post,” she reassures us. “Which will be required reading for the entire sch—”

  She doesn’t finish her sentence, because her eyes have landed on her son. Who is sitting right next to Levi. She hasn’t seen Levi since the dedication ceremony last year, when he betrayed her and walked away with that Ward, Inc. stock. I feel an ache on Levi’s behalf, hoping she can find it in herself to forgive him, once and for all, for what transpired.

  “Levi,” she says quietly. “I didn’t realize you’d returned to school.”

  Levi meets her eyes, his own gray ones steady, and nods. “I got back today. Gravelle, I mean, my guardian, was hoping I’d be able to enroll midterm.”

  “I’m sure that won’t be a problem,” Jane answers distractedly. I can tell she doesn’t know what to make of this. “I don’t know if your friends told you, but—”

  “Mom’s the interim headmistress,” Ollie pipes up. “Which is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Because every guy wants his mom trailing him for three-quarters of his senior year.” He pops a tater tot in his mouth, giving Jane a little salute. I know what he’s doing, trying to lighten this tense moment. It works—sort of.

  “I’m afraid I have a million things to do,” Jane says briskly. “But I’ll loop back in with you tomorrow, Levi… Oh, dear. We don’t have a room ready for you.”

  “He’ll stay with me,” Jago offers. “Would have been my roommate, anyway. Can’t he take his old bed back?”

  “Er, yes. Great idea,” Jane says, staring at Jago like she still can’t put all this together. “Goodnight, all,” she adds before tightening her sweater around her and slipping out.

  “That went surprisingly well,” Levi mutters. The others don’t respond; heavy on all of our minds is this latest development about the tasks, and, of course, the stealth virus.

  I’m relieved when Pru gives me time alone in our room, to think. To try and process what happened today.

  What was I doing kissing Ollie like that? I’ve never thought of him that way; for weeks, I’ve been panicking that he’d confess his feelings and I’d have to turn him down.

  But today, when we were standing there in the late-afternoon chill, and he was telling me how much he blames himself for everything that’s happened… And his lips collided with my own…

  I felt something. Something different and new and, frankly, terrifying. It was like Ollie wasn’t exactly the boy I’ve loved as a friend all these years, but something, someone, else. Someone kind and generous, who feels everything. Someone who takes all the burdens of the world and makes them his own.

  And yes. Someone hot.

  I’d never seen him that way before. He was always just Ollie. But in that moment…

  I cringe, thinking of Levi, and how he watched us, and how mortified I am. How I might never be able to talk to him again, because I have no idea what I’d say for myself. I’ve missed you for months, with an ache like a gaping wound? But then when Ollie kissed me, I changed my tune so fast, I probably gave myself whiplash?

  I don’t even know what to think. I’ve likely ruined everything. What Levi and I had…and my friendship with Ollie… Because things can’t stay the way they are. Inevitably, what I’ve done is going to hurt people. Myself included.

  We convene in the Tower Room later that night to discuss the Legacy Project, and what Gravelle could possibly want from all of them. I’m a ball of nerves when I settle into a chair between Pru and Maude, deliberately avoiding Ollie and Levi. When my eyes land involuntarily on Levi across the room, I feel that flip in my stomach again and strike up a conversation with Pru to distract myself. It doesn’t work; I still feel him there, and I wonder with every passing second whether or not he notices me.

  My friends throw out theories—what Gravelle could be setting up this year to destroy their DNA families. They’re sure that whatever it is, he’s using the Similars, once again, to do his dirty work. We talk for hours, but without reaching much of a conclusion. We’re as confused as we were earlier. But one thing’s clear. We all feel a sense of dread we can’t overcome. Whatever Gravelle is going to make the Similars do, it’s sure to be something awful.

  I take my time leaving the Tower Room in hopes I can walk back to my dorm room alone. I still haven’t processed what happened with Ollie. And Levi’s return… It’s too much for me to handle in the span of a few hours. I linger behind, the last one to leave the room—but when I step into the dimly lit spiral stairway, Levi’s standing there, hands in his pockets. The shadowy light emphasizes his strong, broad shoulders. His face is a mask, like always.

  I nearly keel over from the intensity of what I feel for him in that moment. Longing, because I’ve missed him more than I would have thought possible. Elation, because he’s safe, and he’s here. Anguish, because now, after everything that’s transpired, I have no idea if he feels the same way about me.

  “Levi, I… Earlier today. Me and Ollie—”

  “Don’t,” he says softly. “You thought I wasn’t coming back.”

  “I prayed you would. I hoped, I begged the universe.”

  “And then you moved on.”

  He says it so emotionlessly, so point-blank, I gasp for breath. I didn’t move on. That’s not what happened! I want to shout. But I don’t, because even I don’t understand it.

  “I didn’t come back here for you,” Levi says. “I came back because I had a job to do. To issue Gravelle’s warning. And because I would have done anything to get off that island. That’s all.”

  I feel my eyes swimming with tears, and I clutch the banister of the staircase. How can I possibly explain to him how messed up things got, when I don’t understand it myself?

  He didn’t come back here for me. There’s no mistaking those words he said. And maybe he means them. Because maybe, just maybe, what we had wasn’t what I thought it was. Or maybe the kiss with Ollie hurt him so much, he’s saving face.

  I mutter good night and hurry down the stairs, leaving him standing there in the half-light. It’s one o’clock in the morning when I make it to my dorm room and collapse on my bed. Pru’s already passed out on top of her covers, but I’m not even considering sleep. How could I?

  Levi didn’t come back here for me. He doesn’t want to be with me. Does he mean it? Could he mean it?

  I cry myself to sleep, getting only two fitful hours before I have to wake up for my classes in the morning. My agitated dreams are tangled landscapes featuring Ollie, Levi, my past, and the unknown of my future, all melting into one frightening Daliesque topography. When I wake the next morning and see the harsh light filtering in through the window, I can barely face myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth. What have I done?

  I spend all my time on homework and helping Maude try to hack into Gravelle’s server, so she can learn everything she can about the stealth virus. If there’s a way to deactivate it, she’s determined to find it. Alone in my room, where I’m hiding out these days, afraid to confront Ollie and afraid that facing Levi will feel like another blow to the chest, I gobble up articles on telepathy, wondering if that’s the name of what I did, or what happened to me, when I read the thoughts of Harlowe, Ollie, and Ransom.

  October passes into November. The air grows colder, and students drag their heaviest coats out of suitcases. I’m dismayed to see that anti-clone sentim
ents have only increased on campus since Harlowe’s blog post was published. Students have petitioned Darkwood to investigate the Similars’ extraordinary strength, and several parents have threatened to withdraw their kids if the school doesn’t address and disprove the claims. Every time I see Jane, she’s talking with a teacher or administrator, a deep furrow in her brow. I overhear her tell a parent that an investigation would be unfair and unlawful. The Similars are minors, and any salacious claims about their strength are pure conjecture. It’s also none of the school’s business.

  Ollie and I have reverted back to our pre-kiss rapport, which is a giant relief to me for the most part. Not only because I don’t know how I feel about what happened between us, but also because I’m afraid that any discussion about it would lead to one, or both, of us getting hurt. How can I possibly tell him that at least half of my heart belongs to Levi—even if Levi doesn’t want it? Ollie seems happier these days, and I don’t know if it’s his mother’s presence on campus, Levi’s safe return, or the fact we did what we did. I try to be grateful for his change in mood without reading too much into it. He’s alive, and he’s okay, I remind myself. That’s what matters. I know things are fine between us—for now, anyway—when he asks me to try out for the spring musical with him, and I give him a death stare. He laughs, assuring me that’s one bucket-list item he never expected me to agree to.

  I’m avoiding Levi. Since our brief meeting in the stairwell, we’ve only spoken in group settings, with the Similars and Pru as a buffer.

  One early November day at lunch, we end up right next to each other at the long, rough-hewn dining table.

  “Hi,” I say quietly to him.

  “Emma…”

  “Yes?” I answer, heart in my throat.

  “Can you pass the salt?” Levi asks, no expression on his face.

  I hand the shaker to him, feeling like I’m dying inside. Is this how we’re going to be from now on? Destined to only speak in the most perfunctory way?

  It’s Thanksgiving break, and Ollie and Jane get ready to leave for their college tour. Jane invites me, again, to accompany them, but I turn her down. Spending that much time alone with Ollie, even with his mom there, sounds like the worst idea possible. A small part of me longs to go with them and experience the kind of unconditional love that’s absent from my own splintered relationship with my father. But what if we finally talked about that kiss? With all that time together, it would inevitably come up. Or it might even happen again. I never would have thought that possible, but now, I can’t even trust myself to know what I want. I love Levi—that isn’t changing—but if he doesn’t want to be with me, is there some part of my heart that could open up for Ollie?

  No. You’ll only end up hurting him, and yourself.

  I can’t risk that. Because even I don’t understand my own fragile feelings. How Ollie suddenly seems like someone I could fall for…someone I could have loved…if we hadn’t been best friends since forever…if it weren’t for Levi.

  Pru and Pippa head to Jaeger’s farm to spend the holiday with him. It’ll be their first Thanksgiving without Pru’s mom, and before Pru leaves for her train, I hug her tighter than I have in a long time, reminding her to be kind to herself. I’m nothing if not well trained in the stages of grief. Losing Ollie was not the same as losing a parent, but it taught me some things about survival, so I think I understand a small fraction of what Pru’s experiencing. Meanwhile, Ansel makes a quick trip back to Los Angeles to meet up with the de Leons, and Jago takes the train to stay with the Choates, but the rest of the Similars—Maude, Levi, and Theodora—remain on campus, without homes to return to, or invitations to Thanksgiving dinner.

  With Pru gone, I’m alone in my room after dinner when I get a holo-call on my plum from an unknown number.

  I tense up, fearing it’s who I think it is.

  “Hello?” I brace myself.

  A hologram pops up across from my bed, a strange hybrid between two- and three-dimensional.

  It’s exactly who I expected, and dreaded. Augustus Gravelle.

  Eden

  I haven’t seen his face since the start of school, when he called me to warn me against contacting Levi. He’s the last person I want to see, ever again.

  “Hello, Eden.” I’m not afraid in the immediate sense; this floating image of Gravelle is an eerie likeness of the real man, but it appears hollow, and I’m sure if I tried, I could swipe my hand right through him. Still, I fear whatever it is he’s called me about.

  “What do you want?” I refuse to give Gravelle the courtesy of a proper greeting. He doesn’t deserve one.

  “Your manners seem to have deteriorated since you visited me last April,” Gravelle tuts. “But no matter. They weren’t all that impressive to begin with.”

  I scowl. This is the man who led me to believe Ollie was dead for nearly a year. Who is forcing the Similars to go along with his Legacy Project. Who killed that clone of Oliver two summers ago. I consider hanging up on him, but he stops me before I can.

  “Let’s get down to brass tacks, Eden. You, my dear, are a Similar.”

  “Your point?” I snarl.

  “You have accepted it, haven’t you? That you were raised, until the age of three, on my island? And your mental agility…” The smile slips from his face, and even though it’s made entirely of light, something about the way his expression changes feels entirely real—and troubling. “I suspected last year,” he goes on. “When you were able to exit my virtual reality portal so quickly. I’d never seen anything like it. Tell me, Eden. How have your capabilities progressed? Have you mastered the brain-to-brain communication skills that were programmed into your genes before you were even born?”

  So he knows. I stand up abruptly, positioning myself in front of my closed door. I know he’s only a hologram and he can’t hurt me, and yet, my instinct is to prepare myself to flee.

  “Perhaps it all still seems a little surreal?” Gravelle prods. “I thought you might feel that way. I suppose a little context might help you, Eden. Your father may never have felt the need to tell you the truth, but I do. He endured great pain at Emma’s death. But you—you were always meant to be his salvation. Another chance at being a parent. This news shouldn’t distress you, Eden. It should bring you joy, to know how wanted you were. How needed. I provided that, for my oldest friend. It was the least I could do for the roommate who was kind to me from the first day I ever set foot on Darkwood’s campus.”

  I’ve had enough of this emotional manipulation. “What do you want?” I snap. “To torture me, like you’re doing to the others? To remind me you can terminate me with your stealth virus, at any moment? I already know all that.”

  “It’s important to me that you fully accept who you are,” Gravelle purrs.

  “Do I have a choice?”

  “We all have choices, Eden. We make them every single day of our lives. I hope you choose to appreciate all I’ve done for you. Sending you Levi. Returning both my sons to your life—”

  I can’t take this any longer. This man is so sick. So twisted.

  I end the call. I don’t care if that means I’ve angered him. He may control my fate from afar with that virus, but I won’t let him get the last word.

  I collapse onto my bed, shaking in spite of myself. I bundle my covers around me, trying to tame my wildly beating heart.

  You hung up on Gravelle.

  What if he takes it out on me? Or worse—on my friends?

  All I want to do is talk to Levi. He would understand. He would make this okay.

  And yet, he all but said he didn’t want to be with me.

  Still, he’s the one person I want to confide in, more than anyone else on the planet. Ever since that night I leaped from Harlowe’s car, it was Levi who I wanted to tell that I’m a Similar. It’s not that I don’t think Oliver would understand; after all, his own disco
very that Gravelle is his biological father has rocked him to his core. In a way, he might relate more than anyone. But I worry it would forge an insidious gap between us. That somehow it might cast our childhood—the shared history we based our whole friendship on—in a different light. After all, it changes everything between me and my father. He lied to me for years. Plus, I hate to bring Ollie any more pain when it comes to Gravelle. He already feels so tortured about the fact he’s related to that man.

  Before I can think rationally about what I’m doing, I’m running out of my room, down the darkened path to Dark Lake. It’s freezing out, and I haven’t bothered to grab my coat. I pull my sweater tight around my body, welcoming the harsh Vermont chill in my bones. At least the cold makes me feel alive, and not like a ghost of a person—Eden Gravelle—who doesn’t even know who she is.

  I stop in my tracks when I reach the shore of Dark Lake. There, in the moonlight, is Levi, flying through the air in one of his martial arts moves. I don’t stop to worry that he might see me here, watching him. I stare, entranced, as he flings himself into the ether with an acrobatic somersault-like movement that takes my breath away. I haven’t seen him manipulate his body like that in so long. I’ve missed it—his skill, his agility, his raw strength.

  When the move reaches its conclusion, and he lands on the grass, it’s as if what he did was nothing. He shoves his hands in his pockets and turns to walk back up to the school. He sees me then, and I instantly regret my decision not to turn around and leave when I first saw him here. Because now, the thing I want with every fiber of my being, but also don’t want at all, because it’s too hard and complicated, is happening. It’s me and Levi, here, alone.

  Levi surveys me for a beat, not moving, his hands still nonchalantly buried in his pockets. I don’t say a word, or breathe, or even move. Like a deer in headlights, I can’t make my brain force my feet to walk even an inch. I feel rooted to the spot, like an old oak tree. Anchored.

  “Hey,” he says quietly, not sounding angry. I let out a breath of air. I’m relieved he’s not mad at me for sneaking up on him.