Knowing Me, Knowing You

by Renae Kaye

Whoa. Hang on.

  “But you’re at my house all the time,” I put in.

  “Yeah, but that’s because it’s you. I’m fine with you being around all the time.”

  “Why?”

  He gave me a soft smile. “Because you’re quiet when I need you to be quiet and you’re talkative when I need you to be talkative. You go off and read your book, and I’m happy just to know you’re in that other room. It’s being together without having to touch and talk and kiss all the time.”

  I looked pointedly at our clasped hands. That earned a chuckle from him.

  “Yeah. But that’s because you left me alone all day. This is just hello. You don’t need me to entertain you or take you out, but you’ll come along if I want you to. You go with the flow. You’ve always done that.”

  I thought about that, and it was true. Maybe I knew how to read Ambrose and he knew how to read me because we were always in each other’s pockets from childhood. I knew when Ambrose needed to talk and burn off energy, and he knew when I needed to withdraw.

  “So, leaving aside the ‘going with the flow’ stuff, I want to know about December,” I said. I hadn’t ever pushed it, but for some reason, it was the right time.

  Ambrose sighed. “I was trying to explain what was going on. See, I would be over in Melbourne, and I’d have Dan and Sean, and it would be okay. I had Kendra, and she was so nice, and I really liked her, but she was starting to get on my nerves with all the photos. I loved coming home during season break, because Mum and Elaine would be here, but also you. And you never changed. And I could be me and relax.”

  That didn’t sound all that romantic, but I allowed him to go on.

  “But last year….” He swallowed again. “I had some trouble with a member of Sean’s family. The people I thought were fully welcoming and family were suddenly accusing me of not being Aboriginal enough.”

  Ah. His new push to find his father’s family was suddenly clear. But he wasn’t finished.

  “Then Daniel’s wife was having a bad pregnancy, and all Dan could talk about was babies and hospitals. And then Kendra had this sponsorship-deal thing that had her all riled up and talking about moving to the UK, and I….”

  I thought about it. If he was no longer welcome at Sean’s family, and Dan was emotionally involved somewhere else, he would’ve had one person left. Kendra. And if Kendra was talking about moving…. “You were lost?”

  He squeezed my fingers. “Sort of. Kendra and I, we… well, we were dating, but we both knew it wasn’t serious. I was someone to look good for her business, and she was the shield for me from those who would chuck themselves at me. And sex was… just something we sometimes did. We were friends with benefits. We hadn’t really discussed it, but I don’t think either of us considered monogamy a part of the unspoken deal between us.”

  So propositioning me wasn’t the cheating on Kendra I thought it was. But I wasn’t entirely satisfied with that explanation. “Still,” I said. “You should’ve told me this and let me make up my own mind.”

  “I know.” He sounded despairing. “But it was… it was running away. I wanted to forget about it all, about what Sean’s brother said, what was happening with Dan, what Kendra wanted me to do, what image I had to keep up with the club. I simply wanted to forget it all and be with you for a bit.”

  “Good ole Shane?” I mocked, thinking the worst. “When everything else is going bad, Shane will make it right? Shane will be there. A bit of sex to make you feel okay?”

  “No.” His tone was firm. “Nothing like that, Shane. Nothing. Please don’t think that. It was comfort, I admit that, but it’s not only physical. It’s because you don’t want anything from me. You like me, not Bro-Jak. You accept me, whether I’m white or black, or a black man who thinks he’s a white fella. You know me. You don’t care if I can boost your followers or give a donation to your charity. You like and love me for what I am.”

  I suddenly understood the depths of his problem. “And then I rejected you.”

  Ambrose pulled my hand toward him. “I knew why, and you were right to. But I had all this stuff going on, and it was just one more thing. So I went back to Melbourne to lick my wounds, but then I realized something.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yes. I realized you were right and that the other stuff was temporary and would pass. Kendra would move on. Daniel was moving to his new life, and I couldn’t expect him to remain the same. And Sean’s brother? In a way he was right. All the other stuff I could leave behind. But Shane? I needed Shane.”

  I reached up and touched his face. “I’m sorry.”

  He turned suddenly to face me but then winced in pain and quickly righted his leg to a better position. But he didn’t lose his intensity. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Shane. Nothing. Please, don’t. It’s me. I shouldn’t have done what I did without explaining the situation, and I shouldn’t have left without talking to you.”

  I thought about the anger I had been carrying. “Why did you send me that photo of you partying with Kendra and the other players? It felt like you were saying ‘up yours,’ like you could still have fun and our disagreement meant nothing to you.”

  His eyes went wide. “Hell, no. I sent that as a reminder that I existed. I didn’t want you to forget me.”

  Forget Ambrose Jakoby? Impossible. I’d tried and failed.

  “And why did you send me the picture of you in the shower?”

  He blushed hard and sat back on the couch with a snort. “That one was pure self-indulgent. I wanted to tempt you with my fine body. I wanted you back. Over the past couple of months, what I want my life to be like beyond football has become clear to me. So I’m working toward that.”

  I shook my head. “Ambrose, you have years of playing still to go. You’re not thinking of quitting football, are you? I’ve seen your grades. You’re not going to make it as a maths teacher, so you’d better stick to playing.”

  He laughed as I hoped he would. “No. I’m not going to quit if I can help it.” He reached down to massage his thigh. “I’m thinking there may be reason enough to continue to play. I’m looking to the future instead of just this year.”

  My hopes weren’t going to rise. They were not. Nope. No. Never. “And what’s your future going to be like?” My heart was pounding.

  His eyes were like deep, endless pools of black.

  “I want to make a difference to this world. I want to get involved with my Aboriginal roots and help out those who are struggling with their identity and their place in the world. I want to start up a charity or be a spokesperson for one, to help my people. I want to help young footballers and get them involved in the game. I want to work with children, foster the grassroots stuff for kids who were like me, from a single-mother family.” He blinked just once—I was watching closely and counting. Then he said, “And I want you to come and live with me in Melbourne while I do it.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  THE BREATH caught in my throat. “What do you mean?”

  He didn’t look away. “I mean I want you to quit the job you only have because you have to pay your mortgage and fly back to Melbourne with me. Then it’s up to you if you find another job or not. If it’s not, then that’s okay. I know you’re uncomfortable with it, but I really do have a lot of money that I can support you with.”

  I couldn’t believe he could be so dense. “No. I mean in what capacity? Am I coming to live with you as a supportive friend? A housekeeper and chauffeur? A boyfriend?”

  He finally looked away, and my heart sank.

  I nodded sadly. “You want me to come and live with you as a secret lover. What are you going to do? Get another girlfriend while I’m there, just for show?”

  “No.” He looked horrified. “I haven’t worked out the particulars, but no fake girlfriends.”

  It wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for. I kept silent, unsure how to respond. I knew what barriers he was up against. There was the whole coming-out thing if we
were open, and in a masculine environment like AFL football, it could be brutal. Media attention would be intense, and I didn’t want to sign up for that either.

  But he was the man I’d loved since I was sixteen. That love had only strengthened in the thirteen years since. It hadn’t dimmed with the distance between us. And it was the reason I never could fall for someone else.

  So I had a choice—to walk away and be miserable and lonely for what would probably be the rest of my life or to saddle up and see where the ride took me.

  “I need to think about this, Ambrose,” I told him honestly. “And we need to be sure we’re on the same page.”

  “Okay. I know this is a big thing.” He sounded understanding.

  I pulled back and stood, my emotions seesawing in a way they hadn’t done for years. Nothing got me riled up like Ambrose did. I picked up my bag and jacket from the floor inside the door, and then a sudden thought struck me and I turned back to him.

  “How long for? How long do you expect me to stay with you?”

  He looked at me in surprise. “For always.”

  “Like an old married couple? In sickness and in health? Forsaking all others?”

  He nodded. “You and me. Together.”

  As I got into the shower a few minutes later, I wondered why the lack of the love word between us didn’t bother me. I’d seen my friends declare their love for their boyfriends. I’d seen the happiness on their faces.

  Did Ambrose love me? Yes. He did. We thought of one another as brother, friend, and lover rolled into one. We definitely did love each other.

  But was Ambrose in love with me? I didn’t know. And if he wasn’t, did it make a difference to me?

  THESE WERE the things still undecided two days later. I’d done my research—employment conditions in Melbourne, putting my house on the market versus renting it out, and what life was like for LGBT players at elite levels across several different sporting codes.

  Tracy rang me several times to check on Ambrose. I wanted to tell her what was going on—especially about Ambrose’s new ties with his father’s family. In the end all I could do was reassure her he was well and that he had begun to see the doctors he needed to see.

  Ambrose didn’t push me to make a decision, although we talked about it a few times. He mentioned places we could explore together, that his house had a swimming pool, that there was a room he was sure was perfect for all-day reading, and even how much Sean and Daniel would like to meet me.

  It seemed fateful that meeting Daniel came much sooner than anticipated.

  The weather turned nasty, and traffic slowed to a crawl. Coming home on Friday night was horrible. The train had whizzed past the traffic jams, but the stupid government had put the train stations in the middle of nowhere. Once the train disgorged its passengers, they either had to board a bus and join the traffic jams, or get in a car and join the traffic jams. There were literally no houses within walking distance of the stations.

  I was stuck on the bus in the pouring rain and not looking forward to getting off and trudging home in the pouring rain when Ambrose called me. I usually disliked taking phone calls on public transportation because I disliked anyone else carrying on a loud conversation while we were all stuck listening to it, but Ambrose never called, and I panicked.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” he said. “Well, nothing serious, anyway. You’re late.”

  “Traffic’s bad due to the rain,” I explained.

  “Okay. So you’ll be home soon?” There was a slight sliver of stress in his voice.

  “Yes. About fifteen minutes by the time I walk through this rain. Why?”

  “Oh. Well. You see… shit. Dan pulled the same trick I did and messaged me as he was getting on the plane. His flight arrives in about forty-five minutes. I need you to drive me out to the airport to pick him up.”

  The last thing I felt like doing was rejoining the throng of traffic, but I kept in a sigh. It was Daniel Egan, one of Ambrose’s best friends. “Fine. I’m starving, so can you make me something quick to eat? I’ll probably need to change too. I’ll be wet through.”

  “I’ll be waiting.”

  Ambrose’s quick hello in the form of a lengthy kiss and his profession of undying gratitude for my chauffeuring skills made up for the atrocious journey through the rain and wind. I dropped Ambrose as close to the terminal as possible and then took a leisurely lap of the airport car park and swung back through the pick-up zone.

  They were waiting for me.

  I parked and quickly got out to open the boot for Daniel to stow his luggage. Of course I got soaked for my trouble. We didn’t talk—I opened the boot, and Daniel knew what it was for. Meanwhile Ambrose put himself in the front seat, Daniel dove for the safety of my back seat, and I hurried back into the driver’s seat. The heater was on, but I cranked it higher.

  “All in?” I asked. At their assent I checked my mirrors and pulled out.

  “Thanks for picking me up,” Daniel said from the back.

  Ambrose shuffled around in his seat the best he could in its small confines. “Thanks for the notice,” he said with a note of sarcasm. “And Dan, meet Shane. Shane, this is Daniel.”

  I waved and made eye contact in the rearview mirror. Daniel smiled at me. “Nice to finally meet you.”

  I was uncomfortable with the finally, so I said, “Welcome to Perth. We turned the weather on especially for you so you’d feel more at home.”

  Dan laughed. “Only if this clears up in the next thirty minutes and gives us a heat wave. It may seem like it’s always raining in Melbourne, but it’s just that the weather changes so rapidly.”

  Ambrose muttered an agreement, so I said, “So what brings you to our isolated capital city? Passing through on your way to nowhere?”

  “Nah, mate. Came for a weekend jaunt. The baby’s being a pain, so I’ve dropped my parental responsibilities and ran away.”

  I sympathized. “That good, huh?”

  Dan got a big grin on his face. “I love her to bits. Just between the hours of 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. Outside those hours, I wish for earmuffs and a live-in nanny.”

  I clucked my tongue. “Never mind. I hear they eventually sleep through the night.” I waited three heartbeats and then added, “At around five years old.”

  Dan groaned pathetically. “I’m never doing this again. I’m going to have a vasectomy.”

  “If you do that,” Ambrose put in, “I think Marie would chop something else of yours.”

  “God, no,” Dan whined. “You guys don’t know how good your life is without a baby who won’t sleep more than three hours.”

  “Count your blessings,” I said cheerfully. “It could’ve been twins.”

  And the great Daniel Egan let out a sob from the back seat of my car. “Marie’s a twin. There’s a possibility that next time it will be.”

  So I pulled into the next large shopping center, and Ambrose and Daniel strode off to the liquor store while I grabbed a trolley and filled it with boys-night-in stuff—chips, chops, and chipolatas. There were also peanuts, pizza, and pies and then Coke and cake to top it off.

  Then I made another pass and brought all the stuff I knew Ambrose liked—healthy stuff like salad and fruit.

  I wondered where the boys had gotten to until I saw a bunch of teens crowding around them on the other side of the checkouts. Daniel and Ambrose were signing bits of paper. They were both tall and muscular and stood out in the Friday-night crowd. Ambrose had always been taller than me, so it was normal for me to feel shorter, but I noticed they were taller than most in the crowd.

  And more handsome. Or maybe I was biased.

  Finally they broke away and came to help me put the groceries on the checkout for scanning. Ambrose pulled his card out and paid for them, and Daniel took charge of wheeling the trolley back to the car.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to drop you back at your mum’s house?” I asked Ambrose again. “It’s bigger.” My
little villa was only roomy for one.

  “No. I’m staying with you.”

  So Wallpaper Shane escorted two big, star Hawthorn football players—one past, one present—to his little house and ushered them inside. Since we hadn’t had dinner, Ambrose and I set about making a meal. Ambrose with his crutches was pretty useless, so he turned the chops and chipolatas in a pan and made sure they didn’t burn. Meanwhile I made some of the healthy stuff. They chatted, occasionally directed a question my way, and caught up on the news.

  I passed glasses to Dan, and he poured drinks for us to get the party started. Then we turned on a movie. Ambrose chose the lounge and propped up his leg on the coffee table as usual. I chose the seat next to him, where I usually sat, while Dan took the armchair. After about an hour, I took over the armchair and watched the end of the movie alone while the guys chatted.

  Ambrose told Dan about meeting his grandfather, and I listened closely but didn’t find out any more about what happened when I left the room that day. Ambrose was being remarkably tight-lipped about it.

  I chucked the dishes in the dishwasher and took the empty bottles outside to the recycle bin. Dan and Ambrose had dug in for the duration. They looked super comfortable, so I had a shower, and while getting dressed, okay, just maybe my book fell open to the exact page where I was up to and I just had to read it. Books are funny like that.

  “There you are.”

  I jumped and guiltily snapped the book shut as Ambrose entered the room. I was sitting cross-legged on the bed, and I swiveled around to check out the time. It was eleven.

  “Oh, hi.”

  Ambrose had a smug smile on his face. “Hi, yourself. I told Dan you’d be reading. He said you’d fallen asleep.”

  I could feel my face flush in embarrassment as I stumbled to my feet. “Sorry.”

  Ambrose crutched toward me and stopped directly in my path. To my surprise he lifted his hand and ran the backs of his fingers down my cheek. “Please. Don’t be sorry. I wouldn’t change you.”

  I felt a rush of love envelop me. This man, he was the one. Even though there were a lot of obstacles in our way, I would fight to be with him. Hadn’t I waited nine years for him to come home to me when he could? Wasn’t it time to be bolder and take a chance on Melbourne?