Going in Deep

by Carly Phillips

  “Okay.” Kendall was disappointed.

  She’d been hoping her sister would stay and at least eat the muffins she’d brought. Maybe then the hole in the pit of her stomach would disappear. But she’d dumped a lot on Lexie without any warning.

  If her twin needed time, Kendall would give her time, but right now her main concern was Julian and making sure he knew everything was okay. She knew this was a conversation better had in person, but she also understood he was probably waiting to hear. She decided calling him made the most sense, would get the story to him the quickest.

  She dialed his cell and he picked up immediately. “How’d it go?” he asked.

  She blew out a deep breath. “About as you would expect. She was skeptical, especially at first, but I managed to calm her down and at least give her something to think about.”

  “How? What in the world could you have said that would convince her to at least consider giving me a chance?” he asked.

  She lowered herself onto her bed and curled her legs beneath her. “Don’t get mad, but I told her about your mother’s accident and your sister.” She held her breath, waiting in silence as he digested that nugget of information.

  “It’s not something I’m ashamed of. At the time I was embarrassed about my mother’s addiction and behavior and wanted to numb the pain. I don’t mind that you explained. I just don’t think Lexie or Kade would buy it as an excuse.”

  “She wouldn’t and I didn’t try and sell it as one. Because you didn’t explain it to me that way. I just wanted them to understand that things weren’t as black and white as they might have seemed.”

  His harsh breathing sounded in her ear. “Are you okay?” she asked him.

  “Not really. You?”

  She shook her head despite knowing he couldn’t see. “No.” She was upset that her sister hadn’t automatically trusted her judgment despite understanding why she couldn’t. She knew Lexie’s skepticism had more to do with Julian at this point than with Kendall herself. But it didn’t make her feel any better.

  “I’m sorry you had to go through that. I know how much you love your sister, how close you two are.”

  She swallowed hard. He could try to understand, but he couldn’t possibly comprehend the duality of her emotions. First, there was the twin bond. Second, there was the fact that Lexie had been more of a mother to Kendall than her own parent had been. She’d looked out for Kendall when she’d been unable to take care of herself properly. She’d dropped plans and put her life on hold when Kendall wasn’t properly medicated and her behavior was way too erratic.

  As much as Kendall wanted to live for herself, she owed her sister a debt she could never repay. Mostly because Lexie had never once asked her to or made her feel as if she owed her. The last thing Kendall wanted to do was put a rift between Lexie and Kade or, worse, put Lexie in the dreaded position of having to choose between them. If anyone was going to make a choice, it would be Kendall. It was the least she could do.

  “Kendall? I asked if I could see you this afternoon,” Julian said, his voice low.

  She sensed his pain, understood his feelings. She just couldn’t bear his on top of her own right now. “I have things to do around here,” she murmured. She needed time to think. “But I’ll come by in time for dinner so we can talk to Alex together.” As planned.

  And a break would give them both much-needed time to digest the current situation—alone.

  * * *

  Julian tried to lose himself in work, and he did manage to complete one project and begin another for a new client. Unfortunately he wasn’t able to push the conversation with Kendall from his mind. How could he when she’d refused to see him?

  He didn’t doubt she had things to do on her day off, but he’d also heard the down tone in her voice. And though it matched his, she had much more at stake than he did in how her sister—and Kade—decided to handle Kendall and Julian’s relationship.

  The one thing he didn’t want to do, the place he didn’t want to reach, was one where Kendall felt like she had to choose between Julian and her twin. The Kade he’d known wasn’t spiteful, but Julian had certainly backed him into a corner, and for all he knew, the man had changed. He had no reason to like Julian or to want him in his sister-in-law’s life, no matter how much Kendall insisted he’d redeemed himself in some small way.

  Over the course of the day, he decided the best thing for him to do was to stay the course. Keep on working his way back to Kendall and hope that she had the strength to stick by him and her sister found it in her heart to give him a chance. And convince her husband to do the same.

  * * *

  Kendall met Julian and Alex at a pizza place near his apartment. They’d just finished sharing a pepperoni pizza and were waiting for the table to be cleared. Julian still hadn’t broached the subject of Billy, and he was running out of time to do what he had to do. If he didn’t talk soon, Kendall was going to have to start the conversation.

  “So, you two have been acting differently,” Alex said, taking Kendall by surprise.

  She was quite perceptive for an eighteen-year-old, but Kendall didn’t want her worrying about anything. “We’re fine. It’s just been a long day.” Longer than the young girl knew.

  Although Kendall doubted her sister was intentionally trying to torture her, she’d been tormented by Lexie’s silence nonetheless.

  “I wanted to talk to you about Billy,” Julian said, changing the subject from them to Alex’s brother.

  “What about him?” Alex sipped on her soda, pulling in a long, loud slurp.

  “I know he’s your only family, but he’s not the kind of guy you want to hang around too often,” Julian said, obviously trying to be as delicate as possible.

  “No kidding. He and his friends are dirtbags like the guys who stole my money.” Alex scrolled around on the iPhone Julian had gotten her so she could keep in touch between school and work or if she had a problem.

  Kendall choked on her own saliva. Okay, maybe Alex didn’t need the speech to be careful about her sibling. But Julian was being careful.

  “So I don’t have to warn you to not get involved with any of his friends or his schemes?” Julian pushed on.

  Alex placed her phone on the table and looked up, meeting Julian’s gaze. “My brother’s been an asshole since I’ve known him. Before he went in, I had a place to stay and that’s it. And while he was in jail, I never heard from him except to tell me he was getting out. I don’t expect anything from him. Never did.”

  Well, that was interesting, sad, and way too old a way of thinking for her age, Kendall thought sadly.

  Julian eyed her warily. Kendall did the same. She wasn’t going to let her get away with brushing off something so serious as her relationship with her brother. Whatever that might—or might not—be.

  Alex needed to know she didn’t have to keep her feelings bottled up inside and live with them eating away at her. “It’s not easy to have a rift with a sibling,” Kendall said.

  And she ought to know.

  Julian met her gaze, a mixture of wariness and sadness in his eyes. She hated what she was doing to him. She just didn’t know how to fix it.

  “It is what it is, at least in my case,” Alex said, playing with the straw in her drink.

  Kendall sighed. Either Alex was telling the truth and her brother’s behavior and lack of caring really didn’t bother her or she was hurting and damned good at covering it up.

  “Well, I just want you to know,” she said, reaching across the table and touching her hand, “I’m here for you. If you want girl talk or to talk about your family, school… anything… you can call me.”

  “Okay. Thanks,” Alex said, her gaze already back on her phone.

  Julian glanced at the waitress and gestured for a check.

  “Actually can I meet you at home? I have homework to do,” Alex said.

  “Sure. Go ahead,” Julian said.

  Alex headed out, leaving Julian and Kendal
l alone. They hadn’t seen each other all day, and they’d had a teenage buffer throughout the meal.

  Now he studied her from across the table. “Are you okay?” he asked her.

  “Yeah. It was just a tough day.”

  “Have you heard from your sister?” he asked, obviously wondering if Lexie had had a chance not only to digest the fact that her twin was dating Julian but to tell her husband.

  “Not yet. But I did hear from Josie. Our sister shelter in Maryland got in a bunch of dogs. I didn’t get the details, but we’re going to bring some of them back to our shelter. She asked me to go down there for the weekend, deal with the paperwork, and accompany their person back here with the animals.”

  His eyes opened wide, his surprise evident. “You’re leaving for the weekend?”

  She nodded. “It’s for work.”

  And it was good timing, she thought, feeling bad. But being away would give her time without the guilt about the time she spent with Julian, knowing her sister was upset. Or the time she spent away from Julian, knowing he was probably disappointed they couldn’t be together. She was torn and frustrated. This trip came at just the right moment.

  “I understand.”

  She wondered if he’d say more, but the waitress placed the check on the table, interrupting any serious conversation.

  Julian picked it up and pulled bills out of his pocket, leaving the money on the table. “How about you come back to my place? We can relax and watch a movie.”

  She drew a deep breath, a sudden pain shooting through her chest. She could go and live with feeling torn and guilty or she could make it easy and give them the separation that would help her get her head on straight.

  “I can’t tonight.”

  “Can’t? Won’t? Or don’t want to?” He leaned on the table and met her gaze.

  She sighed. “A combination of each?” she said with regret.

  She didn’t want to set them up for a night of painfully looking at each other, knowing things were up in the air.

  He clenched his jaw tight. “Well, at least you were honest.” Even if he obviously didn’t like what he was hearing.

  “Julian, you can’t possibly understand my relationship with my sister,” she said, needing him to understand.

  This situation wasn’t just about her.

  This wasn’t about Julian and Kendall as a couple.

  This was about an obligation Kendall had. A debt to be repaid. And a desperate need Kendall carried for her twin to believe in her at last, to see that all the time she’d put into her, all the sacrifices she’d made, had been for something positive, real, and lasting.

  “Then spell it out for me. I’m listening.” He leveled his gaze on hers, both challenging and begging her to explain.

  She clenched her fists beneath the table. “It’s not just that we’re twins, it’s that she gave up her life for me for a very long time. To take care of me. To monitor my meds, my moods.” She drew a deep breath. “Growing up, she left parties, lost guys she liked who didn’t understand about me and didn’t want to wait around for her. If I don’t respect Lexie’s feelings now, what does that say about me in return?”

  He sighed, expelling a long breath. “I’m not going to tell you it’s not gutting me, but I do understand.” His eyes turned a deeper green and locked on hers.

  “She’s also pregnant.”

  He smiled. “And you don’t want to upset her.”

  She reached for his hand, welcoming the contact, the warm embrace, the touch of his skin against hers. “I just want to hear back from Lexie. See if she’s able to get Kade on board.”

  Neither one of them addressed the question that hung out there. What if Lexie and Kade didn’t come to understand Kendall’s relationship with Julian? What if her sister demanded she make a choice?

  What would she do then?

  * * *

  Kendall headed home, and Julian grabbed a cab for himself and headed directly for Nick’s, showing up uninvited on his best friend’s doorstep. He wasn’t ready to go home and be alone, and his friend always had words of wisdom. He needed that now, more than ever.

  He banged on the door until Lauren answered.

  “Julian! Is everything okay?” she asked, gesturing for him to enter.

  “I’m really sorry to just show up, but I needed to talk.”

  She pulled her lip between her teeth. “I’m sorry, but Nick is out showing some apartments to people who couldn’t go until after work. He should be home soon though. Want to come in for coffee?” she offered.

  He smiled in gratitude and followed her inside. “Where is Brian?” he asked, glancing around as they walked to the kitchen.

  “Sleeping at a friend’s.”

  She paused at the single-cup coffeemaker and turned on the machine. While she made them coffee, his with a drop of milk and hers, he noted, she heavily added cream and sugar to, they talked about this and that, until she joined him at the table.

  He wrapped his hand around the warm mug of coffee and took a long sip. “Thank you,” he said.

  “You’re welcome.” She smiled.

  “So I hear congratulations are in order. You sold this place?”

  She nodded, eyes filled with happiness. “I can’t believe how fast everything’s moving. We went to contract already. Closing is in two months. And we found the most amazing house in Westchester.”

  “When it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

  “It’s too bad you’re not in the market, because there’s another house for sale on the same street.” She glanced at him over her coffee mug.

  He laughed. “As amazing as that sounds, I think a house would be lonely with just me rambling around.”

  “You have Steve, and he’d have a yard.” She shrugged. “You never know. Your life could change in an instant. Mine did.” She waggled her eyebrows at him, giving him no doubt she was talking about him and Kendall.

  “No rushing my relationship, Lauren,” he said lightly.

  Although he couldn’t say he hated the idea of living in the suburbs, having a deck on which to barbeque and a backyard.

  And a woman to share it with? If that woman was Kendall, a voice in his head answered. Who’d have thought Julian Dane would yearn for the house and the white picket fence?

  He blew out a long breath, knowing at this point he was far from being able to consider even asking Kendall to go to dinner, let alone anything more serious. After all, wasn’t that why he was here? To talk to Nick about his problems?

  He and Lauren chatted a little about Brian and his having to switch schools when September rolled around, and how she couldn’t wait to bring him to the shelter for a dog when the move was complete.

  Finally Julian heard the sound of keys in the lock and the slam of the door.

  “Looks like I should make another cup of coffee,” she said, greeting her husband as he walked into the small room.

  “No coffee for me,” Nick said, then turned to Julian. “This is a surprise. Everything okay?”

  “Yes. I just… Hell.” Now that Nick was here and Julian had had a chance to calm down, he felt like an idiot for just showing up.

  “Julian needs to talk, and I’m going to take a long, luxurious bath.” Lauren poured what was left of her coffee into the sink. “It was good catching up,” she said to Julian.

  She paused to kiss Nick. “See you in a bit.”

  Nick eased himself into the seat across from Julian.

  “You’ve had a long day. Sorry to just show up here,” Julian said.

  “Actually I didn’t work this afternoon, just tonight, so no worries. What gives?” Nick asked, always agreeable, always there when Julian needed him.

  He hoped he gave the man at least half the friendship Nick gave him.

  Since Nick knew his history with Kade, Lexie, and Kendall, the summary was pretty quick. “I slept at Kendall’s last night. Her sister walked in on us this morning.”

  Nick winced. “I take it she wasn�
�t happy to find you there?”

  “Understatement.” Julian leaned back in his seat and folded his arms across his chest.

  He went on to explain Lexie’s negative view on them as a couple, and how he and Kendall had left things between them tonight. “She’s going away for the weekend and wouldn’t come over. She’s torn in two and it’s killing me to see. I hate that it’s my fault.”

  Not to mention her words, which were still running around his head. I just want to hear back from Lexie. See if she’s able to get Kade on board.

  What if she couldn’t?

  Julian had known better than to ask. “I feel like my entire life can be decided by a man who rightfully hates my guts.” He ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

  “Your entire life, hmm?” Nick leaned an arm on the table. “A man only makes an extreme statement like that if he’s all in with a woman.”

  “All in? Of course I’m all in. I love—” He reared back in his seat, shocked the word had come out of his mouth, even if he wasn’t completely floored by the emotion.

  He’d known for a while he was falling hard for Kendall, but admitting that he loved her out loud for the first time had taken him off guard.

  Nick grinned. “Exactly. You love her.”

  “I damn well do.” And it would rip him apart if Kendall didn’t feel the same way, or if she decided her sister’s and Kade’s feelings meant more than his. Than her own.

  He loved Kendall Parker, and Nick gave him time to digest the information.

  Love was a new emotion for Julian. Oh, he loved his sister, but he’d never had that depth of feeling for a woman before. He’d never wanted someone’s happiness more than his own. Not Mr. Julian Self-Serving Dane.

  Everything about Kendall was different. It wasn’t just that their physical compatibility was off the charts, but now that they’d spent real, quality time together, there was so much more to their relationship than sex. Kendall was sweet and compassionate, as evidenced by her feelings for the dogs in her care and how she’d instinctively reached out to Alex with the offer to turn to her for anything.

  Kendall had known, just as Julian had, that Alex was no doubt covering up her feelings about her neglectful brother. Kendall had also related to Alex’s situation because she was struggling to keep her relationship with her twin from falling apart. Another quality Julian admired about her.