Me Without You

by Mindy Hayes

  “Aiden?”

  I turn back to Gran. She looks at me expectantly; one hand rests on her hip, as she waits for me to follow her.

  “You want me to come?” I ask.

  “Well, that is why I brought you, isn’t it?”

  “Right. Sorry.” I chuckle. “What was I thinking?”

  Technically, I brought her. After nearly running over Henry Adler in front of Art’s Hardware last month, it became pretty clear her driving privileges needed to be revoked. I might be driving, but she refuses to lose any control.

  She winks at me, lifting her elbow. I take it and walk with her to the nurse waiting in the doorway.

  “It’s good to see you, Mrs. Ballard,” the nurse greets.

  “It’s good to be seen,” she replies as we walk slowly to the back.

  “How are you feeling today?”

  “I’m breathing.”

  I stifle a laugh as the nurse tries to decide how to respond. “That is something to be grateful for,” she finally says.

  After we’re done at the doctor, I help Gran into the passenger side of my car. We spent twenty minutes in there, and I have no idea what was said. I just wanted to ask Jeff why Alix was here, but no matter how good of friends we were in college, the whole doctor-patient confidentiality business put a damper on that.

  “Aiden Christopher.”

  My body immediately stiffens as I drive. The only time she calls me by my first and middle name is when I’m in trouble or to call me out on something.

  “You’ve been tense ever since we saw that Fink girl and her mother.”

  So she did notice—not that I was trying to hide it.

  “What did you do to her?” she drawls, pursing her lips.

  I laugh. “What makes you automatically assume I did something to her?” If anything she’s the one at fault. She walked into my life and I haven’t been able to get her out of my head since, no matter how hard I try.

  “Because she did not want to see you. What happened? What did you do?”

  Shaking my head, I answer with a chuckle, “It’s a long story, Gran.”

  She pretends to look around the car. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her stop and watch me while I keep my sights on the road. “Do I look like I have somewhere I need to be?”

  Leave it to Gran to push. My amusement continues, “All right. All right. It all started at Dallas Wagner’s party about two years ago. Or, well, I guess it started a lot longer ago than that.”

  “Pinch me.”

  I turn my attention from my locker to Dean. He’s watching the hallway, or, more specifically, he’s watching Sawyer walk down the crowded hallway toward us, but she’s not alone. Alix Fink is strolling beside her with a black bag slung over one shoulder, her face stained in an expression I can’t decipher. She’s always been difficult to read, which I know fuels my intrigue. I want to know her. I want to know why she stopped smiling.

  “Why do you want me to pinch you?” I ask with a dry smile.

  “Because there is no way that Sawyer Hartwell is actually mine.”

  I almost pretend to gag myself, but think better of it. Shaking my head, I laugh without humor. “Dude, it’s been a few weeks. I’d have thought you’d be used to it by now.”

  “I’ll never get used to it,” Dean murmurs as he watches her. I don’t know what it is, but I want it. Whatever it is that makes his eyes calm and his shoulders at ease. Sawyer makes him lighter.

  “Hey guys.” Sawyer smiles and leans in to kiss Dean on the cheek.

  Alix doesn’t say a word. She crosses her arms and looks around the hallway full of everyone passing through on their way to class, uncomfortable with being here. It’s clear she disapproves of Sawyer’s association with us. Or maybe she just hates the world. That’s something we have in common, at least.

  “Are you guys going to Janna’s party on Friday night?” Sawyer asks.

  Dean looks at me, and I shrug. “We hadn’t planned on it,” he answers. “You going?”

  “Alix and I thought it might be fun.” Sawyer smiles at Dean, batting her long eyelashes, and I already know what we’re doing on Friday night.

  Alix finally acknowledges us. Her eyes slowly trail from my black converse, over my zipped gray hoodie, to my face. I’ve always thought she was beautiful, but she rarely looks directly at me. With one look, her fiercely green eyes skewer my soul. I’m nothing to her—a peon to be crushed or overlooked. But for some dang reason that makes me want her more.

  My mouth must be hanging open because she looks at me funny. “Can I help you with something?” she asks with one eyebrow raised.

  Caught off guard, I open my mouth to speak but shut it again. Did she really just ask me that?

  She waits for a reply I don’t give.

  “I’m gonna go,” she mutters to Sawyer. Before I even get the opportunity to form a response, she walks away.

  “I think we can make an appearance,” Dean says, answering for both of us. “Josh will probably want to go just to get out of the house. It might be fun, right, Aiden?”

  “Right,” I say distantly as my eyes follow Alix down the congested hallway. Even through the crowd, I easily find her.

  “Okay. Cool,” Sawyer says.

  “What’s the story with your friend, Alix?” I turn back to Sawyer.

  “Alix?” She seems surprised I’m asking about her, then forms a protective expression and narrows her eyes. “What about her, Ballard?”

  “She that sweet to everyone, or am I just special?” I ask, teasing.

  “She’s not dating right now,” Sawyer says flatly, avoiding my question and beating me to the punch. She’s normally always so sweet, I’m a little taken aback that she’s so short with me.

  “Not dating anyone? Or not dating, period?”

  “Not dating, period. Don’t even think about it.” Sawyer Hartwell’s got a little backbone in her after all.

  I laugh. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” But it doesn’t mean I can’t look. I peer back down the hallway where Alix retreated to talk to a group of girls on the volleyball team—Lily Jamison and Kimberly something or other. I really don’t care. I just care about Alix. Feeling my stare, she shifts her eyes to me and gives me a look, as if asking, ‘What are you looking at?’ Not able to hold in a chuckle, I look away for two reasons. One: to appease her. And two: Alix kinda scares me.

  I can’t keep my eyes away for long though. Watching Dean and Sawyer gaze deeply at each other isn’t exactly how I want to spend my passing period, so a few seconds later I look back at Alix. Her reddish brown hair is pulled back into one of those bun things. It’s messy and hot. She’s got this thick line of hair across her forehead that frames her eyes, making them deeper. I want them to swallow me and take me out of this world.

  Alix catches me staring again and swats the air like she’s shooing me away and walks into her classroom. But not before I catch a hint of a smile she bites off.

  “You’re asking for it,” Dean mumbles. I turn to see Sawyer is gone. He smirks and shakes his head.

  “What do you know about her?” I ask him.

  Without missing a beat he says, “She feeds off the souls of unicorns and terrorizes children’s dreams.”

  “Oh shut up.”

  “I’m serious.” Dean chuckles. “She will chew you up and spit you out. Why would you want to put yourself through that?”

  “It would be an honor to be chewed up and spit out by a girl like her.” I watch the place in the hallway she just vacated.

  “You’re crazy, you know that, right?” Dean lifts a lopsided grin.

  Maybe I’m asking for it, and maybe I am as insane as Dean thinks I am, but it’s in that moment Alix becomes something to me. Even if I don’t deserve that kind of happiness…someday I’ll crack the barrier surrounding her. Someday I’ll make her mine.

  “Doesn’t love make you crazy?” I ask, looking him in the eyes.

  “Oh man,” Dean says, shaking his head. “Good luck, my
friend. Good luck.”

  Gran and I eat lunch and run some other errands before we head back to her house. After I finish giving her the shortened version of Alix’s and my relationship, or lack thereof, she says, “Sounds to me like this girl has experienced some painful things in her lifetime.”

  Well, that was definitely not how I thought she’d respond. “What do you mean?” I ask, helping Gran out of the car and into her house.

  “People aren’t born hardened, Aiden. Life made her that way. She let life make her that way.” She shakes her head and clucks her tongue as she shuffles over the tile floor into the kitchen. “Too young to be so hardened. Such a pity. Poor thing.”

  That’s what drew me to Alix. Of course, she was beautiful, but there was always something more in her eyes. A subtle vulnerability lying beneath the bitterness and tough girl persona that only someone who could relate to tragedy could grasp.

  Later, I heard about her dad leaving them, but everything else felt so hush-hush. Sawyer wouldn’t budge and share details, and I guess I admired her for that. It was Alix’s story to tell if she wanted. And she definitely didn’t.

  Somehow it felt like Alix would understand me with our shared tragedies during adolescence. There was an invisible connection that only I felt, but it was enough, knowing I wasn’t the only one suffering in silence.

  I think of how easy it would have been to become hardened, but I couldn’t afford to do that. I have a responsibility to Savannah. My little sister needs me. With our two older sisters living out the state, I’m all she has left.

  I follow Gran into the kitchen. “So, what are you trying to say?”

  “That girl has some things she needs to work out before she’s good enough for you.” She takes the clean dishes from the dishwasher and begins putting them away.

  I sigh and feel a pang of guilt that I bury deeper. I’m not as good as she thinks I am. There are things I regret—things that I wish could be reversed. There are things I’ll never be able to fix.

  Leaning against the countertop next to her, I respond, “I have my demons, too. Doesn’t everyone?”

  “Of course, grandson. But in order for a healthy relationship to blossom it requires two.” As she bends over the bottom rack, she looks up at me. “You can’t say, if I just love her enough. It doesn’t work that way. She needs to be ready, and she obviously isn’t.”

  I hear the groan before I see the source. “Is he still droning on about that Alix chick?” Savannah appears around the corner with a teasing smile.

  “Well, look who decided to grace us with her presence.” I open my arms for a hug, and Savannah wraps her arms around me from the side. “What’s up, Vannah?”

  “Where have you been?” Her head falls back as she looks up at me.

  “Dean and I have been pretty busy with the office, trying to get everything up and running. I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Excuses.” She leans against the counter beside me and winks. “You ready, Gran?” Gran looks at Savannah not knowing what she’s talking about. “We were going to go bathing suit shopping today,” she reminds. “I need a new bikini.”

  “Oh, dear,” she says apologetically. “I’m too tired now. After the doctor’s appointment and all the errands Aiden and I had to do, let’s do it some other time. You can wear one of the suits you already have.”

  “Bikini,” I interrupt, not so subtly.

  “Yeah.” Savannah uses her bubbly voice, like that will make it better. “I’m going to Coral Lake with a bunch of people from school this weekend.”

  “People like who?” I question.

  “Sadie Miller, Jon Brimley, Tonya Kimball, Bobby Hunter, and Reese—”

  Most of the names don’t sound familiar until she reaches Bobby. She’s been pining after that kid for as long as I can remember. “You’re a sophomore, Savannah. You’re not going to the lake with Bobby Hunter.”

  “But I’m almost a junior,” she tries to reason with me.

  It’s not a good enough reason. “And he’s almost graduating. What…isn’t graduation like three weeks away?” I shake my head. “No.”

  “But Gran said I could,” she whines. We both look to Gran. Me with accusation, and Savannah with pleading. “Tell him, Gran,” she says.

  She sighs and closes the dishwasher. “They’re just swimming at the lake, Aiden.”

  I laugh, unimpressed. “I know what happens at the lake. I was a part of initiating half of the activities at the lake. And Bobby Hunter is a senior, as well as the others I assume,” I counter and shift my stare to Savannah. “You’re not going to the lake with them.”

  “Gran?” Savannah pulls out all the stops. Sweet, angelic voice, puppy dog eyes, pouty bottom lip. Savannah is trying to play innocent, but she’s not fooling me. She can pull the wool over Gran’s eyes, but not mine.

  Gran sucks in her lips. She feels sorry about her response. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Aiden is right. With them being nearly graduated seniors, I don’t feel comfortable with it either.”

  Savannah groans; stomping her foot before she walks out of the room. It’s like she’s four all over again. “This is so unfair!”

  “Life’s not fair, Vannah!” I call. “And don’t stomp your foot! It’s disrespectful…and childish!”

  Her bedroom door slams. I make a move to teach her a lesson on respecting her elders.

  “Stop,” Gran says and grips my arm before I can go. “Let her be. She’ll calm down, and we’ll talk about it then. We always talk things through, and she’s fine.”

  “If Mom and Dad were here, they wouldn’t allow that. I need to be what they can’t be.”

  Gran’s eyes droop, and I try not to think of what they’re attempting to convey. Pity or sadness or hurt; I don’t want to feel any of it.

  The back door opens and Gramps walks into the kitchen, wiping the sweat from his brow with a dirt-covered rag.

  “Gramps, what are you doing out there?” I ask, a little warning inching into my voice. “You better not be messing with that fence. I’m gonna take care of it this weekend.”

  “I know. I know,” he says, swatting his hand at me. “I’m just tending to the daffodils and tulips.”

  I relax. “Well, that I know nothing about, so carry on.”

  He cracks a smile and washes his hands in the kitchen sink. “What’d you do to Vannah?”

  “You heard that, huh?” I ask.

  “She’s definitely not quiet, that one.”

  “We worked it out. She wanted to go ‘hang out’ at Coral Lake with some seniors. I told her no.”

  He laughs again and walks past me through the square archway into the living room. “Sounds a little like something you used to do.”

  “And I still question why you let me go.” I chuckle quietly.

  Gramps slowly lowers himself into his recliner in front of the TV and stretches back. “You needed space to make your own mistakes. And you’d just lost your parents. You’d dealt with enough adult responsibility and pain. We wanted you to experience as much of your young life as you could.”

  “Are you saying we should let her go?” I ask and lean against the archway.

  “I’m not saying that. Our Savannah’s a little naïve. I’d hate for her to be introduced to the other side of teen life too soon. But you can’t keep her on too tight a leash or else it’ll snap, and you’ll only have yourself to blame.”

  “Savannah’s sixteen, Gramps. She’s halfway through her teens. I’m pretty sure she’s already been introduced to it. My goal is to keep her out of it.”

  He nods. “Then you made the right choice.” But I feel as though he doesn’t really feel that way.

  “Why are you getting so comfortable?” I ask. “Aren’t we going to work on the Bel Air today?”

  “Oh right.” He gets up excitedly. “Let me go use the facilities first, and I’ll meet you out there in a few minutes.”

  I laugh to myself and head out the front door.

  ***


  That night, I meet up with Dean and Sawyer for dinner at Rita’s Diner. Dean and I still have quite a few details to finalize for the new office, but we promised Sawyer no talking shop at dinner. So, I talk about the only other thing on my mind.

  “Have you seen Alix recently?”

  “Not since last week. She’s been keeping pretty busy lately.”

  I think of asking Sawyer about the neurologist’s office, but something tells me I should keep it to myself. It wasn’t like Alix was just caught off guard by seeing me there; she was uneasy, like she had a secret to hide.

  “So, Alix is my date for the big day. What else does the best man get to do besides romance the maid of honor?”

  Dean groans. She laughs. “She’s your date, huh? Well, you get to come and look handsome. Make sure he doesn’t bail,” Sawyer jokes, poking her thumb into Dean’s shoulder. “Oh, and be on your best behavior. As much as I know you love pushing Alix’s buttons, go easy on her. Knowing her, she’ll be stressing about making sure things go smoothly for us.”

  “No blowing up condoms and decorating our car with them,” Dean chimes in. “Sawyer will literally kill you.”

  “I will,” she agrees.

  “So, that’s it?” I ask and look between the two of them. “I don’t get to plan a bachelor party, and now you give me nothing for the big day? This might be the easiest thing I’ve ever agreed to do.”

  “Aiden.” Sawyer’s tone is a warning.

  “I won’t poke Alix,” I concede. “Too much,” I add under my breath. I just can’t make that last promise. It wouldn’t stick.

  “When was the last time you saw her?” Sawyer asks.

  Lying time. “We bumped into each other last week at Moment in Thyme when we were getting coffee.” So, it wasn’t a total lie. That did happen. It just wasn’t the last time I saw her.

  “She caving yet?” Our food arrives, and Sawyer begins eating.

  “Not yet.” But she will. I smile to myself.

  ALIX