Me Without You

by Mindy Hayes

  “I’m cold.”

  “I’ll get you another blanket. Stay here. Okay? Don’t move.”

  Walking back out into the living room, I see Aiden grabbing his jacket. “I’ll get out of your hair. I don’t want to confuse your mom any more than she already is.”

  “She’ll be confused no matter what, but you’re right. You should probably go.” I snag the blanket draped over the back of the couch. I don’t want to say the kiss was a mistake, but I think he sees that written on my face. I don’t know what I was thinking.

  Yes, I do.

  I wasn’t thinking. And it was bliss.

  “All right.” He nods. “I guess we’ll uh…”

  “I’m cold. I’m really cold.”

  The bliss leaves. Reality returns. Bliss can never be mine.

  I turn to see my mom standing in the hallway again, her arms wrapped around her middle. “Mama, go lay back down. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  “I’m cold. The vacuum was too loud. I couldn’t… So loud.”

  “Ma, there isn’t a vacuum on. You can sleep now. I turned it off.”

  Out of the corner of my eye I see Aiden inching closer to the door, waving his hand. I look over at him. “I’ll see you later,” he says. “We can talk about the Jordans early tomorrow morning. Goodnight, Ms. Fink. I hope you sleep well.”

  “Who’s that?” Mama asks again, walking out into the living room, looking incredibly disoriented. “Why is he here? He’s very handsome. Is he your husband?”

  I take her arm and gently direct her back. “Bed, Ma. Now. Bye, Aiden. I’m so sorry.”

  “There’s nothing to be sorry for.” He waves and walks toward the door. “Have a good night. Let me know if you need anything.”

  “We’ll be fine, but thank you.”

  “Okay,” he says hopelessly, nodding before letting himself out the front door.

  “Why didn’t he stay? He’s very handsome.”

  Too handsome for his own good. Keep it in your pants, Fink. Geesh.

  “Because, Ma. Do you want me to lay down with you? Will you go to sleep that way?”

  “I…” She looks around her the room. “I’m cold. Don’t make me go outside.”

  “I won’t. We’re going to bed now. I’m going to lay with you.”

  “I don’t want to go outside. Don’t make me go outside.”

  “We’re staying inside. You’re going to go to bed, and so am I. Let’s get you warm.”

  Spreading out the other blanket on top of her comforter I pull back her covers again and help her lay down, squeezing in beside her.

  “How come the night is all around us? I’m tired,” she mumbles. “I’m so tired.”

  “I know,” I say sympathetically and brush my fingers through her hair as she rolls onto her side, facing away from me. When I was younger she would use long, slow strokes to soothe me to sleep. I attempt the same stroking pattern. Her hair is thinner now than it used to be, and shorter. The disease not only takes her memories, it slowly takes away her body, depleting everything she once was.

  “I’m so cold.”

  “Shhhh…” I quietly shush. I breathe in lavender. My fingers comb gently through her thin hair. I miss her. “Sleep, Mama. Sweet dreams.”

  “Alix,” she says quietly, and my hand stops with my heart.

  I try to respond, but I can’t find words.

  “I love you.”

  I swallow the lump. It’s moments like these—small moments of clarity—that make taking care of her worth it. They remind me that my mom is in there. Somewhere.

  A tear falls.

  “I love you too, Mama.”

  AIDEN

  I FALL BACK onto my bed, release all the air in my lungs, and stare at the ceiling. I touch my lips.

  Suck.

  I did it. I kissed her.

  Blink.

  She kissed me back.

  A smile slowly turns the corners of my mouth, but it fades instantly. I don’t regret it, though I know she does. It was clear on her face. Our kiss was a mistake. How could something that felt so right be a mistake? Maybe I don’t deserve her. I know I don’t, but I’m just selfish enough to pretend like I could, that I do.

  For tonight, I want to pretend she wanted the kiss, like I pretended she was mine the night she stayed. I shift my head and look at the vacant right side of my bed and picture her there.

  Alix giggles as I carry her down my hallway. Her head falls back, and I take extra care not to accidentally whack it on the doorframe when I carry her into my room.

  “Aiden Ballard. Ballard. Ballard. Ballard. That’s a funny word. It sounds like mallard. Like a duck. Are you really a duck, Aiden Ballard? You shape-shifter you.”

  I laugh. “If I was a shape-shifter I’d turn into something much cooler than a duck. Like a tiger or a wolf.”

  “But ducks are so cute,” she croons and swipes her finger sluggishly across my lips. I have no idea what she was aiming for, but she nearly sticks her finger in my nose.

  “Okay. Let’s get you into bed.” I shove my covers back and carefully lay her down. One foot at a time, I take off her heels and then place them at the foot of the bed. When I turn back her head is hanging off the bed. She’s out.

  “Oops.” I rush over and help position her head on my pillow, then draw the comforter up over her. How she can look like such a mess and so gorgeous at the same time is beyond me. I can’t help myself; I brush my fingers through her short hair, pushing it away from her face. I resist the urge to kiss her temple and head for the door before I reconsider.

  “Stay,” she says soberly.

  I turn back with my hand on the doorknob. “What?”

  Her green eyes open and peer at me. Resting on her elbow, she sits up enough to look at me. “Please? Don’t leave me alone.”

  “Alix,” I say hesitantly. Is she coherent? She can’t honestly be asking me this.

  “I don’t want to do anything with you. Just don’t go.”

  I don’t know if that should offend me or not. I can’t deny her. Even if I wanted to.

  Stepping on the back of one heel, I use the tip of my foot to slip out of my shoes. Then I start with my top button and slowly work my way down my dress shirt. When I slip out of it, I hang it over my footboard. Alix watches with heavy lids, until I round the other side of the bed. By the time I slide in beside her and feel the warmth of her body radiating beneath the covers, I hear her soft breaths of sleep. She’s out again.

  My eyes shut, relaxed and comforted by her subtle presence. Having her so close without being able to hold her could almost kill me, but tonight will be a night of pretending. She’s mine tonight, and I’m hers.

  I nearly doze off when Darth Vader starts breathing beside me. No, seriously. I think Alix is Darth Vader reincarnated. I nudge her lightly, thinking she’ll get the hint, but she doesn’t so much as flinch. There’s no interruption in her snoring. I try to roll her onto her back, thinking a different position will help. Then Godzilla emerges. Bad move. Bad move. Abort! Abort! I roll her back to her side, her back facing me. Her snores return to the rhythmic ‘koooohhh heeeee.’ I guess this is as good as it gets.

  This is going to be one long night.

  A thoughtful smile plays on my mouth. I feel the cold sheet beside me, the open space that’s felt so empty since the night she stayed. I’d even take Darth Vader tonight if it meant she didn’t regret kissing me.

  It seems as though I’ll forever be the master of pretend.

  ***

  I’ve been pacing the office since 6:00 AM. I could hardly sleep. The kiss was running through my mind all night long. It wasn’t that Alix kissed me back. She kissed me like she was stranded on a desert island, and I was the only ship to sail by. I don’t understand how someone can kiss with such passion one minute and walk away the next as if it was a fleeting thought, not a life altering moment.

  Finally, I gave up on counting sheep and came into work, hoping I could find something to keep
myself busy, but I couldn’t focus on anything, knowing Alix was coming to see me in a couple hours.

  Around 9:30 Alix walks in, and it feels like I’ve run a marathon. I stop pacing. She’s dressed like she’s about to go running or something. Or maybe she already did. She probably takes her mom jogging just to get out of the house.

  Our exchanges are brief.

  “Hey,” she says, almost breathless.

  “Hey.”

  It’s going to be another game of cat and mouse. I can already feel it. The way she’s standing alone gives her away. I should make my move. Pounce now while she’s not expecting it. But she’d escape right through my fingertips because that’s what she does. That’s what she’s best at.

  Everything inside of me is telling me to go to her. To take her in my arms and make her apart of me. But she already is apart of me. Whether she wants to accept it, she’s my heart and nothing is going to change that. Not our personal issues. Not distance. Not even time. She knows where I stand. She has to. So, I wait. I wait for her to say something more, but it doesn’t come. She gets right down to business. No about last night. No can we talk about what happened? Nothing. The professional wall is back up. Jordans. Plans. Redesign. Done.

  About thirty minutes later she’s heading for the door. If discomfort were a barricade, she would have had one built a mile high. It kills me that she’s so uncomfortable. I’m the last person who should make her feel that way. Pushing her buttons would be my next normal move, but I decide to make it easy on her. I get it. After seeing more of her mom I really get it. Alix has more important things to focus on than my feelings. But at least now I think my intentions are pretty clear. It’s her move now. I decide to give her space and don’t say a thing about the kiss.

  “Okay. Well, if there’s anything they need from me, don’t hesitate to call,” she says, hovering just inside the door.

  “You know I will.” Say something, Aiden. Ask her out. Tell her that kiss meant everything to you. Do. Something!

  “All right,” she says and opens the door. “See ya.”

  “Bye, Alix.”

  Idiot.

  ALIX

  “I SCREWED UP.”

  I battled with the decision to tell Sawyer about the kiss. I felt a big ‘I told you so’ coming on, but not telling her wasn’t an option. Aiden would tell Dean, and then Dean would tell Sawyer, and then Sawyer would blow up at me for not being the one to tell her in the first place. I couldn’t risk it.

  “I don’t know how it happened.”

  Sawyer met me at Moment in Thyme to grab a quick bite for brunch after I met with Aiden this morning.

  “You don’t know how your mouth found itself against his?” she rhetorically asks. “I think I have a clue.”

  I give her a look and she bites her lips to keep from smiling. “It shouldn’t have happened,” I say. I’m even more torn now than I was before. I can’t risk being with him and now I know how good it could be. Keeping my distance would have been smart. It would have been the right thing to do. Instead I let my emotions get in the way. I let my desires make my decisions rather than using my brain.

  “What are you coming to me for then, Alix? You’ve done nothing but fight this and tell me it would never happen. Do you need permission? Do you need me to tell you it was a mistake? Do you need me to tell you you’re an idiot if you don’t just go with it? What?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know. I. Don’t. Know!”

  A couple people sitting at the table beside ours look over at my outbreak. I should apologize, but instead I stare back until they look away. Dealing with an existential crisis here. Very important business.

  “I’m feeling a lot of things right now. The most of which is panic.”

  “Because you work with the guy and now you have to look at him all the time and know you like kissing him?”

  “Because I screwed up. I saw him this morning to go over redesigning plans for another client, and he didn’t say a thing. Not one word about it. I felt like the room was closing in on us, and he acted as if the space could’ve been an amphitheater.”

  “You’ve scared the guy half to death,” Sawyer says. “I’m sure he’s trying to figure it out like you are. One minute you’re verbally clawing his eyes out and the next you’re kissing him back. He probably wants you to make the next move.”

  “What about Brooks, Sawyer? What if we try and make something of this and Brooks gets attached and then we break up. Then what? He already loves Aiden on a buddy level, but what if it becomes something deeper? Sawyer, I’m afraid it will break him. He’s dealing with some serious abandonment issues. I can’t bring someone new into our lives just to have him leave.”

  “He would survive because he has you. You’re stronger than you know.” She reaches across the table and places her hand over mine. “And you won’t know unless you try.”

  “We’ll drive each other insane.”

  “Every couple does.”

  “Mama can’t handle anyone new.”

  “You’d figure it out.”

  I’m making excuses now, and Sawyer knows it.

  “Is Gina taking care of her and Brooks right now?”

  “I reluctantly asked her to stay with them for the afternoon so that I could run some errands, which I should probably go and do. I know it’s getting hard for Gina, too, but I think she likes to spend time with my mom to try and hold on to a piece of her best friend.”

  Sawyer looks at me knowingly. “Alix, you know you’re going to have to make the decision soon. It’s too much for you to take care of her and Brooks and try to do all the work Dean and Aiden send you. And try to begin a healthy new relationship—not that I’m discouraging you on that, I fully encourage that—it’s just a lot. You’re plugging your energy into too many sockets.”

  I tug my fingers through my hair and tuck it behind my ears. “I know. I just…I just feel like it means I’m giving up. Putting her in a home makes me feel like one of those neglectful children that their parents would otherwise resent if they knew what was happening. She deserves more than that.”

  “So do you. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Felix. You deserve to have a life, too. You know your mom. She wouldn’t want you to throw yours away for her. If she knew what was going on, she would understand, especially since you’ve got Brooks to worry about. She’d want you to put his wellbeing over hers. Let someone else help you.”

  “Not yet,” I say softly. “I’m not ready. Not yet.”

  “Alix.”

  I don’t respond. I can’t. The tone in her voice alone tells me she’s not going to say something I want to hear. After just hearing her diagnosis, I don’t think I can handle hearing anything more right now.

  “Promise me something.”

  I glance at her out of the corner of my eye as I drive us home. I keep thinking that when I look at her she’ll somehow look different. That she’ll miraculously age in an instant, but she still looks like my beautiful Mama—too young for this kind of diagnosis.

  “If it gets to the point where I’m too much to handle, don’t feel guilty,” she says softly.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Don’t feel guilty if you have to put me in a care facility. I’d understand. I want you to.”

  “Mama—” My hands grip the steering wheel.

  “No, I mean it. I won’t know the difference. I want you and Brooks taken care of. That won’t happen if you’re trying to take care of me. He’s more important. He needs to be looked after. He needs a life. He needs you.”

  I grit my teeth. “You could never be bad enough that I’d want to do that. We need you more. Our family needs to stay together. We’re all that’s left.”

  She looks at me sadly. “Baby,” she stops. When she begins again her voice is clogged with tears. “I don’t want you to suffer. I don’t want either of you to suffer more than you already do at the hand of this…” When she doesn’t continue, I look to her, wondering if emotion ho
lds her voice hostage or the disease.

  “Mama?” I prompt.

  She touches her face and feels the tears there. Her eyes narrow in confusion. I don’t want to remind her, so instead I ask, “What do you want for lunch?”

  Mama wipes her nose and opens the glove box for a Kleenex. “Whatever you want is fine, honey.”

  “Tacos it is.”

  ***

  “How about we get out of the house today?” I ask Mama as I finish putting the dishes from our lunch in the dishwasher. “I think you’ve been cooped up here for too long. Maybe we do a little shopping in Bakerton? We haven’t done that in a while.”

  “I’d like that. We don’t go shopping enough. Do you like shopping?”

  “I do. I think it would be fun for us.” I think it’s time to take her out in Willowhaven, but Bakerton has better shopping. Maybe next time.

  “I like shopping. Do you like shopping?” she asks, and I laugh.

  “I do. Should we go?”

  “Yeah. Okay,” she says pleasantly. “Do you like shopping?”

  “Only when I go with you.”

  She smiles. “Where are we going?”

  I lead her toward the garage. “We’re going to the outlet mall in Bakerton. I think we could use some new shoes. New shoes make everything better.”

  “They definitely do. Everything is better with you.”

  I love it when she’s talkative. Even if she keeps repeating questions, I don’t feel so disconnected from her when she’s communicating. “Everything is better with you too, Mama.” I smile as I help buckle her in.

  “I like you,” she says and grins.

  I keep my emotions at bay. “I like you too, Mama.”

  We hit up a couple of shops, hand in hand. I’ve found a good pair of wedges, but nothing has caught her eye yet, so we keep going. She’s doing so well I don’t feel the need to leave. I have to occasionally remind her what we’re doing, but once I say shopping she lights up. I love it.