Me Without You
Page 18
“Brooks,” I breathe. I dry off my hands and kneel down in front of him, placing my hands on his shoulders. He feels so small, fragile and innocent. Too small to be filled with so much worry and sadness, to understand things he shouldn’t have to yet.
“I’m going to miss her too.” I already do. “We will visit her all the time. It’ll be like she’s still with us. I know it’ll be different, but she’s not going anywhere.”
“And you won’t either, right?”
“Me? Where would I even go?” I lightly chuckle.
He shrugs meekly, tears trickling down his red cheeks. “I dunno. Dad left, now Mama. You’re next. You’ll get married, and then what’s going to happen to me?”
I tug him into my arms and hold him the way I know he needs to be held. He hugs me back, keeping me from falling apart. “I’m never leaving you, Brooks. No matter what, you’ll always stay with me. Nothing will ever change. You’re my family. Family sticks together.”
“Are you going to marry Aiden?”
I pull back. “Why would I marry Aiden?”
“He makes you really happy. Even though you pretend like he doesn’t. I can tell he does.” I don’t know what to say. “He’s really cool. I think you make him happy too. I know he likes you.”
I snort out a laugh. “Oh, yeah? And how do you know that?”
“He told me.” Brooks shrugs like it should be common knowledge. “Why wouldn’t he like you? You’re really cool, too. Cool people stick together. It’s why we’re in the same family.” He smirks.
I laugh and muss up his hair. “Gosh, I love you. How could you ever think I’d leave you?”
He smiles sadly and shrugs. “Even cool people get left sometimes.”
I fight back the tears because I know I have to be strong for him. “I’ll never leave you, Brooks. Never.”
“Promise?”
I make an X over my heart. “Cross my heart.”
AIDEN
A NEW MEXICAN restaurant opened up in Willowhaven last week, and since nothing new ever comes here, Savannah and I decide to try it out. We haven’t had any time just the two of us in a while, and I know I’m to blame for that. I’ve been all work and trying to parent when I know she just needs a brother sometimes.
When we pull up to the restaurant, it’s apparent that everyone else in Willowhaven decided to try it out too. We might even have some Bakertons and Lake Mellians lining up as well.
“It’s going to be forty-five minutes. I put my name on the list, but we can always leave. What do ya think?” I ask Savannah.
“Forty five minutes, huh?” I turn to see Alix with Brooks in tow.
“Who said you could leave your house?” I ask, teasing.
“When did the pound release you?” She smirks.
“Aiden!” Brooks hugs me, reaching his arms around my middle.
“Hey dude.” I smile and pat his back. There’s something about this kid. It’s hard not to love him.
“Gina thought Brooks and I could use a night out together, so she offered to stay with my mom. And I heard good things about this place, but it looks like everyone else did too.”
“Yeah. Savannah and I were just deciding on waiting or leaving.”
Alix turns and extends her hand. “Hi Savannah, I’m—”
“So, you’re the Alix.” Savannah offers me a lopsided grin as she shakes Alix’s hand, and I prepare myself for the onslaught. I’m at her mercy.
“Well, my name is Alix.” She peers over at me with suspicion. “But I’m sure there are plenty of other female Alixes in this world.”
“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Savannah says.
“Thank you?” Alix says slowly. “You too.”
“You should join us for dinner,” Savannah insists.
“Oh,” Alix says apprehensively. “We won’t intrude. It’s okay.”
“You’re not, right, Aiden?” Savannah looks to me slyly. I don’t want to tell Alix no, but then again, maybe I should. What is Savannah going to try and pull? “The wait is probably an hour by now. You might as well jump in our party.”
“If the two of you want to, you’re welcome,” I say. “But if you came here to have sibling time, we’d understand.” I eye Savannah to keep her quiet.
“I want to have dinner with Aiden,” Brooks says to Alix.
She looks down at him. “Well…” Brooks smiles and gets an excited gleam in his eyes. “Okay. Sure.”
***
They seat us close to a live mariachi band that, no matter what they play, it sounds like the same song over and over again. While it brings a more authentic atmosphere, it makes it really difficult to carry on conversation. Every time I try to talk, the one with the trumpet starts in my ear, and I can’t hear myself think. Alix laughs. Thankfully, they eventually travel around the restaurant and give us the opportunity to talk, but now I’m not sure anyone knows what to say. After waiting for forty-five minutes, a lot of Savannah’s hazing and our small talk is out of the way.
Alix finally breaks the silence after we get our food. “So, Savannah, what grade are you in?”
“I’m a junior.”
Alix nods like that makes sense. “You have any hobbies?”
Suddenly Savannah gets self-conscious and looks down at her plate. “I like to paint, but it’s just something I do in art class.”
“Oh really?” Alix perks up. In between bites she continues, “I love art, but I never really get to paint or draw anymore. What’s your favorite medium?”
“I love watercolor, but I’m not very good at it. It’s just something to pass the time.”
“Oh, c’mon. I’m sure your stuff is beautiful. Have you seen any of her stuff?” she asks me.
“I have,” I say proudly and drape my arm along the back of Savannah’s chair. “I actually have one of her paintings in my house. It’s my favorite.”
Savannah scoffs. “You’re just saying that because you’re my brother.”
“Nope. Because I’m your brother I get to be honest even if I hate something, so lucky you, you don’t suck.” Savannah elbows me in the ribs.
“I’d love to see some of your stuff sometime. It’s always fun to get to know a fellow artist.” Alix smiles genuinely at Savannah, and her nervousness ceases. For how confident she was in the beginning, it surprises me that Savannah clammed up so quickly.
“What do you like to use?” she asks Alix.
“Charcoal. It’s easier to fix my mistakes.” She winks, and I want to know who she is and what she did with Alix Fink. “Though I love oil, too.”
She’s fantastic with Savannah. I knew she would be, but seeing her with her solidifies how much I need her in my life. I want it so badly I can taste it.
Brooks has been shoveling his food in and keeping quiet, so I turn the conversation to him. “Brooks, now that soccer season is over, what are you doing?”
“I wanna break dance!”
Alix laughs. “We’re looking into some different options.”
“That’s awesome! Does someone give break dance lessons in Willowhaven?”
“No, we’d have to go out to Birch Hill. That’s why we’re looking into other options, right, bud?” She ruffles his hair.
“Yeah,” Brooks says gloomily and looks down at his plate, moving around food.
“Whatever it is, it’ll be awesome, I’m sure,” I say to try and help Alix out. “If nothing else, I can teach you my sweet moves.” Everyone laughs but me.
Savannah says, “Aiden’s idea of sweet moves is the cabbage patch and the sprinkler.”
“Oh, I dunno,” Alix chimes in. “I’ve seen him on the dance floor. He’s not horrible.”
“He must have been toning it down to impress you.”
“Oh, c’mon, I’m not that bad.”
“Do you not remember Aunt Julia’s wedding?” Savannah giggles. “Or must we invite Alix over and break out the video.”
“Oh gosh.” Alix laughs. “There’s video? I’ve got to s
ee that.”
“NO. No. No video is necessary. I was eighteen and thought I was the coolest. I think there’s enough of an explanation there.”
Alix whispers something to Savannah behind her hand, and Savannah nods with a conspiratorial smile.
“What are you plotting over there? Whatever it is, I don’t approve.”
“Sorry, sparky. Your approval isn’t required.” Alix flashes her smug grin. I wish everyone would disappear from the table because I want to kiss it off her face.
***
“Thank you for inviting us to eat with you guys,” Alix says when we’re in the parking lot. “It was nice.”
“Just text me, Alix,” Savannah whispers. “We’ll keep our plans on the DL.”
Alix lifts a wave as she takes a step back. “It’s the only way I know how to work.”
“Standing right here, ladies.”
All they do is laugh. This might not be such a good idea after all. I see them ganging up on me in my future.
“I’ve got your back, Aiden,” Brooks says. “I’ll keep Alix in check.”
“Oh really?” she says and tugs on his arms. “Well, traitor, let’s get home. You’ve got homework to finish, and I’ve got work to do. See you guys.”
“Bye Alix!” Savannah waves. When we get inside the car, and I start the engine, she says, “I can see why you like her.”
“Yeah,” I say, and even I can hear the distance. There’s nothing more frustrating than knowing Alix is meant to be in our lives, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve been patient. I know that’s what she needs, but I’m done being patient. I’m so done.
***
Our trip to Boston sneaks up on me. Savannah and I haven’t been on a plane since we were kids and used to visit my mom’s parents in Texas. They died before my parents did, and we haven’t had anywhere else to go until now.
Camille meets us at the curbside pick up with open arms and a squealing Liza on her hip.
“Unca Aiden!” The four year old reaches out to me, and Camille hugs Savannah. We trade, and Camille says, “It’s good to see you, Aide. We’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.” I hug her tightly. The older she gets the more she looks like our mom. It makes me feel equally comforted and sad.
“It’s about time you two came up this way to visit,” Camille says as we pile into her minivan.
“I practically had to beg him to come here.”
“Don’t even,” I say. “You’re lucky I brought it up.”
Savannah smirks at me over her shoulder from the passenger’s seat.
“Gran and Gramps okay with you being here for Christmas?” Camille asks. “I never asked you that.”
“We celebrated together yesterday. They thought it was a great idea for us ‘kids’ to spend the holidays together.”
“Oh good. They’re spoiled enough as it is getting you guys every day. Though it won’t be the same without Lydia.”
“We’ll have to convince her to come back for Christmas next year,” I say.
“You could always move back,” Savannah says, but I know it’s not an option.
“Danny’s job is here. You know I wish I could.”
I know she doesn’t wish that at all, but none of us call her bluff.
***
As we’re gathered around the lit Christmas tree, lounging on the couches late on Christmas Eve, Camille pops the question I’ve been dreadfully waiting for her to ask.
“So, when are you going to finally settle down and stop playing the bachelor?” She takes a sip of her hot apple cider.
“He hasn’t told you about her?” Savannah pipes up as she plops down on the couch next to me in her candy cane pajamas.
“Told me about who?”
“Alix,” Savannah answers for me. “The woman he’s been pining after for years.”
“You’ve got a woman?” Danny asks, coming in late to the conversation after tucking the kids in, and sits down next to Camille.
She narrows her eyes, bringing her mug down to her lap. “I’ve been hounding you for years, and you’ve never mentioned a girl.”
“That’s because the girl is out of his league,” Savannah says and chuckles.
“Okay. Okay,” I cut in. “Let’s get a few things straight. Alix was a friend from high school who I had a crush on. Now we’re both back in Willowhaven, and we’re getting to know each other again.” So, that’s the watered down version of us, but they don’t have to know anymore than that.
Savannah nudges my shoulder with hers. “Oh, come on. He’s so lovesick it’s hilarious. You should have seen him at dinner last week. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. And she was reveling in making him uncomfortable. Oh, and she’s gorgeous. So, it’s no wonder he likes her, but she’s definitely playing hard to get.”
Camille is soaking it all in. “What is she like? What does she do for a living? Does she love you back? When are you going to propose?”
Being the only boy in the family gets old pretty quickly, especially when these two get together. I can hardly get anything in edgewise, and assumptions are always made before I can defend my side.
“All right, all right,” Danny comes to my defense. “Cut the guy some slack. Don’t go all twenty questions on him, Cami. He’ll never want to come visit us again.”
“Thank you, Danny.” I really don’t want to get into the details of what Alix and I are or aren’t, for that matter. Everything feels like it’s so fragile right now. Talking about it makes me think I’ll jinx the slow progression we’re making.
“I like her,” Savannah says. “Don’t screw it up.”
“Trust me. I like her a lot more than you do. Screwing it up is at the bottom of my list.”
ALIX
IT’S OUR LAST Christmas together in this house. It really hit me when Brooks was helping me put up our decorations last week. I realize I was a little late in that department, but I feel like I’ve had a good enough excuse.
Mama is the one to wake me up on Christmas morning. It’s five in the morning, and Brooks groans as I try to shake him awake, but once he realizes it’s Christmas morning he jumps out of bed and bolts toward the tree in the living room.
“What a beautiful Christmas tree. Did you do that yourself?” Mama asks me. The tree has been up for a week. She watched me put it up and decorate it with Brooks. She even helped put some of the ornaments on the tree. She helped me lift Brooks up to place the star on top.
“Brooks helped me,” I say. “It is pretty, isn’t it?”
“So lovely,” she says warmly. “I love Christmas trees. My daughter and I used to put one up the day after Thanksgiving so we could enjoy it for the whole holiday. She would beg me not to take it down until after New Year’s Day.”
I try not to cry. That was our tradition for as long as I could remember. When I was younger, I remember throwing tantrums when she tried to take it down any earlier than that.
“I know,” I whisper because I can’t get my voice any louder.
As Brooks unwraps his presents, Mama watches with a smile on her face and carries on a conversation with herself that makes no sense, but she’s content enough that I thank my lucky stars, for today—our last Christmas together—she’s happy.
***
The following week Mama, Brooks, and I make our way to The Willows for a tour. I want her to think it’s her idea, hoping she’ll take to the facility. Through the guilt, I have to keep reminding myself this is what she wanted. When life became too much, she wanted this. For us.
After walking through, she doesn’t seem opposed to the idea. “It’s pretty nice, right, Ma?”
“It’s lovely. The flowers filled the oxygen.”
“What do you think about staying here?”
“It’s fine.” I can’t tell if it’s really fine or if she’s saying fine simply for something to say. “Fine. Just fine. What’s fine?” she asks.
“The place with all the flowers,” I clarify. “
Did you like?”
“It’s lovely,” she repeats. “The flowers filled the oxygen.”
“Yeah. The flowers were a nice touch. Let’s go home and think about it a little bit. If you change your mind, we can look for something else.”
Every day I try to mention it, putting out feelers. Occasionally she smiles, and sometimes she tells me it’s a good idea. Whether she completely comprehends it, I don’t know. Only once has she defiantly shut me out about it. I’m hoping that was an isolated incident. Most of the time she just keeps saying, “Protect him.”
For the three months that I’ve been home I’ve hardly slept through a full night. I worry for Brooks. I worry for Mama. I worry about how I’m going to make a living to provide a life for us. I worry for what our lives will become without her.
When the lights go out, I close my eyes and try to let sleep find me. Some time in the night she comes in, but I remain still and pretend I’m asleep. Slowly, she lowers herself to my bed. It only slightly shifts, and softly she combs her fingers through my hair as if I were Brooks’s age again, not the twenty-three year old I am. I lie there and breathe under her tender touch. I breathe lavender and Mama.
Time passes. I’m not sure how much, when she whispers, “What I wouldn’t give for you to have a better life, my Alix.” Emotion strains her voice. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t strong enough. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you.”
I keep motionless, not wanting to interrupt her moment. I don’t want any part of it.
“Protect him,” she says.
I wait for her to leave so I can burst into tears and cry in peace. But she doesn’t get up. She stays, running her fingers through my hair until eventually I slowly, slowly fall asleep.
AIDEN
SAWYER AND DEAN are having a New Year’s Eve party. I’m a little surprised. Dean hates parties, but he assured me it’s just a small gathering.