by Mindy Hayes
I take a deep breath. “We can never be more than what we are. We finally found a balance in our relationship that works. Don’t you feel it? I don’t want to ruin that. For Brooks’s sake, I can’t afford to ruin that. When it ends he’ll suffer more than either of us.”
“I doubt that.” Aiden pauses before he gently says, “Not every good thing comes to an end, Squid.”
“But a lot of the time it does. I can’t take that gamble on my life because it’s not just my life. It’s Brooks. He’s already lost both of our parents. He can’t handle any more than that.”
“And what about you? You deserve a life too.” Aiden moves to the edge of the couch. His hands grip the edge, and I wish they were gripping me. “I know I can’t make promises. I know us being together is a risk, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. When you love someone you have to be willing to risk everything for them.”
My heart stops. Dead. I blink, unable to form thoughts. Did he just… Does he… Why would he…
“I see the puzzle pieces trying to find their place.” He stands. “Let me simplify it for you. I love you, Alix Hazel Fink. I want to risk everything for you. Let me risk everything for you.”
I blink. He’s not seriously making a declaration of love right now. “You don’t love me,” I utter, taking one step and another back.
He follows my footing, stepping forward. “I do.” Step. “I’ve loved you for a long time.” Step. “I think I might have even loved you in high school.” Step. “No, scratch that.” His last step lands him toe-to-toe with me. His head shakes, and his eyes clear. With conviction, he says, “I know I didn’t love you in high school because what I felt then doesn’t come close to how I feel now. I’m desperately in love with you, Alix.”
Can he hear my heartbeats or see my brain matter on the walls?
“It’s pointless,” I breathe, adamantly shaking my head. He’s ruining everything. “Please stop.”
“I can’t.”
“You have to.”
“I won’t.”
I can’t be here. I turn to leave. “I have to go.”
“Alix.” He grabs my hand, holding me back.
“Just let me go, Aiden. Please.” My eyes plead with him, fighting off tears.
“I won’t. I can’t,” he says, resolute. “From the first time we kissed I knew I didn’t want to lose you. I knew I’d found something worth fighting for. I won’t stop fighting.”
“You should.”
“Why? Because you’ll fight me at every turn? Bring it. I’m ready for that. I can’t wait for that. I want that more than anything, because it means that you’re in my life.”
“Stop it! Just stop, Aiden. You’re not listening to me.”
“I hear you loud and clear. I just don’t care. Why can’t you see we’re meant to be together?”
“Because we’re not!” I snatch my hand away and rush to his front door. He somehow makes it to the door before me, placing himself between me and my only escape.
“You feel it. You know you feel it. We could be great together.” He sets his features firmly. “You’re stubborn as an ox, but in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t take no for an answer. Not when I know you don’t really mean it.”
“And if I mean it?”
Aiden works his jaw. “I’d step back.”
“Step back, Aiden. I don’t want to be with you.”
AIDEN
HER LIE IS as black as the tar molding around her heart. It fills and clogs every artery and chamber that’s trying so hard to beat. If only she would let it beat.
“Are you listening to yourself? Of course not. What am I saying? If you were, you’d hear how ridiculous you sound!”
“I’m no more ridiculous than your notion that this could work.” Her bottom lip quivers.
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
Bridget sits down across from me and sucks down her strawberry shake. “So, Alix Fink. How did it go?”
I don’t want to jinx it, but I answer honestly. “Really good, actually.”
“For real?” Her eyes widen.
I chuckle. “Yeah. I’m just as surprised as you are.”
“And she’s actually giving you the time of day?” It’s more a statement than a question, an observation of skepticism.
“Trust me, Bridge. It doesn’t make any sense to me either. But I’m not going to question it. I’ve waited too long to let my insecurity get in the way.”
“Well, it’s about time she got her crap together.”
“I asked her out to lunch today because I didn’t want to wait to see her, but now I feel like I can’t call her to see her tonight. I wanted to spend all day with her.”
Bridget reaches across the table and places her hand on top of mine. “Aide, if she likes you, she probably wants to see you just as bad, but she’s not going to show it. You and I both went to high school with her. She’s not the open book that Sawyer Hartwell was.”
Right then, Alix walks into Rita’s with her younger brother. I’m about to call out her name when her eyes land on mine. They jump, and then she smiles until her eyes wander to the person on the other side of my table—holding my hand. It isn’t until that moment that I realize what this must look like. Her expression falls, and she starts to back away, tugging Brooks out the front door as he questions what she’s doing.
“I’ll be right back, Bridge,” I say, striding toward the door. “Alix, wait!”
She and Brooks are almost halfway to her car when I call out her name again. I jog up to her and take hold of her arm to make her stop. “Hey. Alix. I was calling your name. Did you not hear me?”
“I did, and I was choosing to ignore you.”
“That, uh, that back there was not what it looked like.” Her eyes pierce mine, their intensity searing my heart. I try not to flinch. She isn’t buying my explanation. I chuckle nervously. “I swear Bridget and I are just friends. So very much friends.”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Aiden. It’s fine. Brooks and I decided to go somewhere else.”
“Is it fine?” I reach for her arm again as she backs away. She looks coolly down at my hand until I let her go.
“Yeah. Brooks decided he didn’t want burgers.”
Brooks begins to chime in at her side. “I didn’t say—”
She speaks over him. “We’ve really got to get some dinner and head back home. Tell Bridget I said hi.” She turns on her heel, still holding Brooks by the hand and tugs him toward her car.
“See ya,” I say mostly to myself.
I want to light a match and burn down the walls Alix has built around herself. I want to watch them collapse, bearing only what’s left of her, what’s underneath the hurt and hesitation and distrust.
“No. You know what? It’s not fine. I let you go all those years ago, and I’m not making the same mistake. I’ve been giving you time, but time is up.”
She scoffs. “Oh yeah?”
“Yes.” I don’t wait. I grab her face and kiss her again. She gasps, opening her mouth to me, and I take advantage. Our mouths crash together. After a moment, as if she realizes what’s happening, she pretends to resist, but she takes fistfuls of my shirt and pulls me closer to her. I won’t stop unless she tells me no. And we both know she wants this as much as I do.
She kisses me with abandon—like this is the last kiss she’ll ever have, like I’m the last glass of water on her deserted island. I make a promise to myself that this is only the first of an infinite amount. If I do nothing but kiss her for the rest of my life, I will have lived enough.
Finally, we separate for air, but stay inches apart. I rest my forehead against hers. “You can’t tell me that meant nothing,” I whisper.
Her breathing is ragged against my mouth. I nearly kiss her again. She swallows. Her eyes remain glued to my chest. “I’m scared.”
“You scare me more than any other human being on this earth, but I’m done fighting. Life is too short. I don�
�t want to waste it anymore. I used to wade through life, struggling to find my way. Trying to find my place without my parents. And then I saw you, and I knew where I belonged. I belong with you, Alix. I always have. I always will.”
She pauses. It’s excruciatingly silent. But then she nods. Alix. Nods.
“Thank goodness.” I take her back into my arms and don’t stop kissing her.
ALIX
BEFORE I LEFT Aiden’s last night I asked him to give me a few days. I want him. I want us, but I can’t jump into a full-fledged relationship mere days after placing Mama at The Willows. Mentally, emotionally, I know I’m not stable. I need slow, to take our time. And because he’s Aiden, he understood.
When Brooks gets out of school, I pick him up, and we go to see Mama. I dread walking through the automated doors. I don’t realize I’ve stopped until Brooks takes my hand, like he knows, and we pass through.
“We’re here to see Kate Fink,” I tell the front desk.
“Okay.” The woman smiles and asks us to sign in. “Then go on ahead to her room. She might be there, but she could be in the painting class. She’s holed herself up in there.”
“Oh. Thank you.”
Brooks and I walk the halls until we find the class. Mama sits with her back to us in front of a large canvas. Her hand moves awkwardly across the white, but it looks like she’s painting a lavender field.
I pull up a chair and sit beside her. “Hi, Ma. That’s beautiful.” Brooks stands by my side.
Mama looks at me with recognition, but she doesn’t say my name. She reaches out for a hug and clings to my neck.
“It’s good to see you.” I hug her back.
“Where did you go? I tried to find you, but I couldn’t.”
Emotion pricks the back of my eyes, and I gently pull away. “We were at home. We weren’t far.”
Brooks steps in and hugs her. She clings to him like she never has before. “I missed you, Mama.”
When he pulls away, she gets up and waits for us to follow.
“Where are you going?” I ask.
Mama moves her mouth like she’s about to speak, but can’t think of the words. She keeps gesturing for us to go. It’s like she wants us to take her home.
“Let’s stay here. Finish your painting,” I encourage. “You’re doing such a good job. It’s a lavender field, right?”
“Mama, do you like it here?” Brooks asks, distracting her. “Are they good to you?”
“They are very…” she settles on, “nice.” They could be nice, or it could be that she couldn’t think of another word. Though I know they’re good to her. I feel it. It’s so calming in here.
“Sit back down with us. I love what you’re doing.” With a little bit more coercion, she apprehensively sits back down. “Here.” I hand her the paintbrush, and she holds it almost like she remembers how. I arrange her fingers around it to give her a better grip.
I look around the room at the other residents quietly, and some not so quietly, painting. A couple of the staff are walking around the room, making conversation and offering words of encouragement about the artwork. Though Mama seems a bit anxious, I feel much better now than a few days ago. Once she gets more familiar with the facility, the anxiety will subside. It’ll take time. I have to remind myself that.
We stay for about thirty more minutes and then slip away when she’s not paying attention. I know it would only be more difficult if she knew we were leaving. And I don’t want to stay for too long and have her get used to us being here when we won’t be all the time.
***
“Finally!”
“Stop it.”
“No,” Sawyer says as she pipes thick cream frosting on red velvet cupcakes. “I honestly think we need a celebration. An Alix finally made a commitment party! I’ll bake the cake!”
I need to shut this woman down STAT. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There were no commitments made. Just kissing. No more running.”
“No…you know…” Sawyer makes hints, wiggling her eyebrows.
“No,” I say assertively. “Sex complicates things.”
Sawyer laughs. “I do not understand you.”
“What are you talking about? I’m being smart. Taking things slow. Whatever this is, I want to do it right. Not fling ourselves into a complicated situation that will leave us both in broken pieces.”
“I hate to break it to ya, Felix, but all relationships are complicated. Deal with it.”
“For someone who’s spent months trying to convince me this was a good idea, you’re doing a terrible job convincing me to want to stay.”
“I’m just saying…if that’s news to you, we’ve got bigger problems than your commitment issues.”
If she had a tub of flour handy, I would pour it over her head. Instead, I go for the next best thing and swipe the frosting-covered spatula across her face.
“You’re asking for it.” She comes at me with her bag full of frosting, aimed and ready to shoot.
“Wait, wait,” I laugh. “I have a lunch date with Aiden. Please let me go looking presentable.”
“You get one pass.” She lifts her index finger. “Next time you’re dead.”
I chuckle. “Deal.”
“How’s your mom?” Sawyer cleans off her face with a wet rag from the counter.
“I went to see her early yesterday morning. Mornings have apparently been the hardest for them to calm her.”
“Really? You’d think it would be the nighttime.”
“I think it’s the realization every morning when she wakes up and has no idea where she is. At least at home, while she was beginning to lose it all, it was still a comfort. It’s been her home for almost thirty years.”
“That makes sense. Was she happy to see you?”
I pause and think of her face when she saw me. A light flickered, but it quickly dimmed. “She smiled and we talked—the way we do—but I think it’s getting harder for her to know who I am. She wanted to, but she couldn’t. At least when she was at home she was with me so much that even if she didn’t know who I was, she knew who I was. If that makes any sense at all. She couldn’t tell you I’m her daughter, but she knew I took care of her. Now there’s nothing.” I don’t think she’ll ever say my name again.
“You going to see her today?”
“When Brooks gets out of school we’re going.”
“Are you nervous?”
“That I’ll get there and she’ll hate me? Yes. Thank you for reminding me.”
“Stop it,” she says disapprovingly. “I didn’t mean that. Heck, she might like living there better than with you.”
“Someday she will.”
***
Moment in Thyme is bustling as always. Aiden waits just outside the glass café window, leaning against the brick with one leg propped up on the building. You done good, Alix Fink. I smile to myself.
His hands are tucked inside his jacket to ward off the cold. Christmas came and went, and I’m still hoping for snow. Snow that we’ll never see. A white Christmas would’ve been a dream. It’s been like ten years since this town has seen any.
When he sees me approaching he pushes himself off the wall. “Hi,” he says.
“Hi,” I say.
Aiden seems to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. He thinks I’m here to tell him the other night never should have happened. And maybe I should, but I’m not going to. I don’t want to.
The question now is do I hug him? Go in for a kiss? I take a hesitant step, and so does he. Rather than taking initiative, we’re both trying to gauge the other and how we should fit. Our bodies awkwardly dance around each other, finally fitting together in a hug. We pull back slowly, and Aiden smoothly sneaks in a small kiss. I smile against his mouth and tuck in my bottom lip.
“Anything available in there?” I ask.
The relief in his eyes is palpable when we separate. “I think I saw a table or two. After you.” Aiden opens the door and lets me pass, following me
to a table on the left side of the café.
Neither of us say anything, so we look down at our menus, though I already know what I’m getting. I know this menu forward and backward.
“This is weird,” I finally say.
“It’s only weird if we make it weird,” he says without looking up.
“We’re making it weird.”
“Well stop that. It’s just us.”
“I know, but it feels different now.”
“That’s because it is different.” Aiden reaches across the table and takes my hand in his. His fingers curl around and run softly along the inside of my wrist. I shiver. He still doesn’t look up.
It’s new. I’m not fighting. He’s not poking. It’s weird. But a good weird. He told me he loves me. While that petrifies me, it’s a good petrified. I smile to myself.
The waitress comes over and takes our order. Apparently Aiden already knew what he wanted too. When she walks away, I continue my silence and observe him. He’s so handsome. His hair is just disheveled enough. It might be long enough to fall across his forehead, but he keeps it pushed back in a combination of just rolled out of bed and ready for a night out on the town. Somehow it works. Somehow we work.
We might be able to survive.
AIDEN
I WATCH HER concentrating too hard on me. “Stop analyzing.” It’s freaking me out.
“I can’t.”
“Then I’ll be a distraction. Do you like cheese?”
She laughs. “What?”
“I find it absurd that there are people in this world who do not like cheese. It’s a necessary food group, but it’s true. Some people don’t like it. Are you one of these people?”
“Is it a deal breaker if I don’t?” she asks lightly.
“That depends.” I raise my left eyebrow in question. “Will I still be allowed to eat cheese around you?”
Her forehead scrunches together. She doesn’t know how to answer this question. I fight my amusement. “Yes?”