Me Without You

by Mindy Hayes

  She takes me into her arms and together we cry. Together we put the past behind us.

  ***

  On day five Dr. Shepard, who performed the surgery, says it’s time. It takes a couple more days before Savannah opens her eyes, but whens she does, we’re all there. Dr. Shepard says taking her out of the coma is like using a dimmer switch to turn on a light. It couldn’t be done all at once. The brain needs time, he says. I want her brain to speed up.

  Savannah’s pretty out of it and agitated for a couple days. She even throws a cup of pudding against the wall. It takes everything in me not to laugh at the nurse it almost hit.

  They wait three more days before they remove the ventilator and breathing tube to make sure she can breathe on her own. Every day feels longer than the next.

  When day three finally comes we’ve been in the hospital for nearly two weeks, and not one day has gone by where I didn’t worry we were going to lose her. Dr. Shepard performs some tests and concludes she’s going to be ‘just fine.’

  When she’s in recovery, and we get a moment alone, all I do is say, “Vannah,” and she bursts into tears. She says she’s sorry. Her arms open, and I know I’m forgiven. We have a long way to go with trust, but I know Savannah and I are going to be okay.

  ALIX

  I DIDN’T GO back to the hospital. It didn’t feel right to be there, and the ICU’s family only policy made it even clearer that I should let them have their time. Aiden updated me by text. I checked in with him every night to see how she was doing. Weeks passed and life resumed. Now that she’s back at home, I guess things will go back to the way they used to be.

  ***

  “What are you drawing?”

  With my brow furrowed, I deeply sigh. “It was supposed to be the pond, but it’s looking more like a murky puddle.” I set down my charcoal and snatch my kneaded eraser from my side, applying it to the pond’s edge.

  Dean chuckles softly and sits casually down on the bench beside me as if it’s completely normal, like we do this all of the time.

  “So, Preston, what do you want?” I ask, attempting to focus on the drawing again.

  He cracks his knuckles nervously, but attempts to remain cool and casual. “I can’t come and admire your work? I have to have an ulterior motive?”

  “In the ten plus years that I’ve known you, you’ve never come to me just to say hi. And you’re married to my best friend.”

  “Does that bother you?” The fact that he asks so earnestly nearly makes me laugh.

  “No, I’d actually be really weirded out if you did.”

  “Well, then, as long as that’s out of the way, let me cut to the chase.” He stops fidgeting and faces me. “You’re being an idiot.”

  “Excuse me?” I stop mid-stroke.

  “Do you want me to say it slower?”

  “Where do you get off, Preston? Are we really doing this again?”

  He ignores me. “I’ve never understood Aiden’s fascination with you. For years I’ve been the doubtful friend, telling him to guard his heart and good luck.”

  “Well thanks,” I say dryly.

  He continues, nearly talking over me. “I never understood what he saw in you until I really saw you two together. He’s my best friend, and I love the guy, but he’s never been able to keep his crap straight. You brought balance into his life—made him want to be more responsible and assertive. You kept him in line, focused. You challenge him in every possible way. He needs that.”

  Dean pauses with a distant look in his eyes, looking over my shoulder. “When his parents died everyone sort of gave him a break in life, let him do whatever he wanted to do. All slack and no weight for his actions.” I nearly snap at him for being so insensitive, but Dean sees my expression before I get the opportunity. “Don’t make me out to be unsympathetic. Aiden lost his parents. I get why everyone cut him slack. No one should have to go through what he did, but at what point is it too much? How do you know where to draw the line? No one drew him a line.” Dean pauses and looks at me with sincerity. “You give him what he needs. You draw him a line. I fear that if you give up on him now, he’ll never be the same. He needs you, just as much as you need him.”

  I stop. “I don’t need anyone but Brooks. And Aiden will be fine.” Something tugs at my heart.

  Dean rests his hand on my arm and exhales. “Alix, I nearly lost Sawyer because of my stupidity, because I was scared. Do you know how often I beat myself up during those years when I really lost her, when she was with someone else?” He closes his eyes and feels his words, clenching his jaw. “Every hour of every day.”

  When his eyes open he sees my unconvinced expression.

  “You think I’m exaggerating.” Dean lifts an infuriated crooked smile that doesn’t meet his eyes and shakes his head. “When you lose something, not because it’s out of your control but all your fault, it’ll consume you. You’ll try to train your mind to focus on other things. You’ll try to let other aspects of your life take over, so you don’t have to think about how badly you messed up, but none of that will work. You won’t be able to think about anything else because you’ll realize that relationship you took for granted—that relationship you threw away—was perfect.”

  “We’re not perfect, Dean,” I say softly. “We’re so far from it.”

  Dean scoffs. “You and Aiden? Sure you are. Maybe not in the cookie cutter sense, but I’ve never seen a couple more made for each other.” He pauses and smiles gently. “Aside from Sawyer and me, of course.”

  “You don’t get,” I try.

  “Oh, but I do,” he cuts me off. “This is because of your sorry excuse of a father. Join the club. I understand crummy fathers. Mine nearly ruined my life. Not because of his poor choices, but because I let him. I didn’t fight back to take control of my life.” Dean sets his stare, his green eyes piercing right through me. “Don’t be like me,” he nearly pleads. “Don’t let fear influence your life. Own it. This is your life. Grab it by the horns. Your dad doesn’t deserve the kind of control you’re giving him to dictate how to live your life. I got lucky. I’m so dang lucky I got a second chance. Heaven knows I don’t deserve it, but every day I get to prove to Sawyer I can be the man she thinks I am. I can be the man she deserves.”

  I pause and watch the softness in his eyes, his love for Sawyer burning so real and deep. “Ah heck, Preston.” I wipe the tear falling down my face. “I don’t want to like you. Stop it.”

  He chuckles lightly, looking at the ground. “I want you to have the chance to fix this before it’s too late. You may not get a second chance. If you want this, but are too scared, push that aside. Don’t give fear the opportunity to own you. Aiden loves you. He loves Brooks. He would take the best care of you both. He wouldn’t settle for less.”

  My voice is so strained, barely above a whisper, “How do I know that we’ll work, that we’ll last?”

  “I don’t have all the answers. I can’t predict the future. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fight for what you want. Because in the end, the fight is what makes it worth it. If you don’t take risks, what are you even living for?”

  He’s right. I know he is. The skeptic in me is shouting to shut Dean out, not to listen, but I don’t want to let the skeptic win anymore.

  “So, basically you’re saying I’m an idiot,” I say.

  His hands lift in surrender. “As long as we’re on the same page now.”

  I chuckle and shove his shoulder. “Gah! I hate that you’re making sense right now. You’re not supposed to make sense.”

  He shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck. “Take it from someone who’s lived through losing the one, you won’t regret winning him back.”

  “Where is he?”

  “Since it’s Saturday,” Dean considers his answer. “I’m assuming he’s at his grandparents. When he’s not at work he doesn’t leave Savannah’s side. She’s still recovering at home.”

  ***

  A red and white Bel Air is parked
in the driveway when I pull up to Aiden’s grandparents’ house. I don’t think twice. I get out of my car. As soon as my car door slams, Aiden pops out from under the hood. When he sees me and my determination he looks concerned.

  He steps around the car in a black, long-sleeve shirt and ripped up jeans, a tool in one hand and a rag in the other. “What’s wrong, Alix?”

  “I’m sorry I walked away,” I say, out of breath, marching up the driveway. “I shouldn’t have. But you scare me to death.” I take another step. “I’ve been fighting you for so long, I couldn’t see that you are exactly what I should be fighting for. I haven’t been able to bear the thought of having one more person in my life I could lose. Until you. Because I realized without you in my life I’ve already lost. Me without you makes for no life at all.”

  “Alix,” he tries, but I stop him.

  “No. Hold on. I’m not done.”

  He bites his bottom lip, keeping his words to himself.

  “My dad left, and I realized something. You fight for me, have fought for me every day for years. I saw it, but I didn’t want to accept it because if I loved you and lost you, I’d never be the same. But I’d rather never be the same than stay guarded and unhappy for the rest of my life. I know you’re not him, could never be him. You’re so much more.” I breathe. “I love you Aiden Christopher Ballard. And I want to spend my life with you. Will you let me? Will you forgive me for not seeing it sooner?”

  Aiden sighs and looks at the ground. He takes too long to answer as he wipes his oiled hands on a rag and pockets the tool in his other. I’m too late. I pushed him away one too many times. And I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

  When he looks up, he takes one step at a time, eliminating the space between us. “You think after a speech like that I could say no?”

  I smile. Before I know it, he’s lifting me up so my feet can’t touch the ground; his arms take my waist. Mine cling to his neck.

  “She’s mine, world! Did you hear her?” Aiden shouts while I laugh and shush him. “Don’t you shush me, woman,” he playfully reprimands. “She’s mine!” he shouts again. I grab his face and kiss him to shut him up.

  AIDEN

  I’VE ONLY IMAGINED this day. It’s hard to believe it’s real, but I keep kissing Alix, letting her make my dreams a reality. I knew she’d come back.

  Okay. I didn’t know. I hoped.

  “You know you can never run again,” I say against her mouth. “I won’t let you. Not again.”

  “I won’t. Now I know. I don’t want to anymore. I just want you.”

  “Say it again.”

  For a second she thinks about what I want, then with a smile says, “I love you, Aiden.”

  I sigh, reveling in those four small words. “Say it again.”

  “I. Love. You,” her voice caresses my lips.

  “I love you so much,” I breathe.

  Her hands dive into my hair, and her mouth owns mine. We kiss like we’ve never kissed before. Like we’ll never get another chance, and I want every kiss to feel this way. I never want to take her for granted.

  Alix’s butt begins to ring. Reluctantly, I set her down so she can answer her phone. I press my lips to hers once more before she says hello.

  “What?” she exclaims. “Okay, okay! We’re on our way!” As she shoves the phone back in her pocket she says, “Sawyer’s in labor.”

  “It’s about time, but can’t we wait to go until the kid is already here?” I ask, pulling Alix back to me and burying my face in her neck. I just got her back. I don’t want to share her with anyone else right now.

  “Sawyer and I don’t have sisters. She is my sister, and sisters don’t miss the birth of their nieces.”

  I chuckle. “Yes ma’am.”

  ALIX

  SAWYER IS IN labor for eight hours, but you know what they say about what comes to those who wait. My job is to feed her ice chips while she clenches Dean’s hand through the contractions. Aiden doesn’t really know what to do with himself, so he stays off to the side and takes walks with Dean when they get too anxious. Sawyer’s mom comes in occasionally, but spends most of her time in the waiting room with Sawyer’s dad.

  Another contraction comes on, but Dean’s out in the hallway, so I take her hand. She nearly breaks mine off before the contraction is over.

  “You’re doing so good, S.” I run my fingers through her hair, brushing the strands from her sweaty forehead.

  “I want her to come already. I’m so tired,” she cries. “I just want to meet her.”

  “I know. You’re so close. Hang in there. She’s coming, S.”

  When it’s go-time Dean takes his place beside Sawyer and takes her hand in his. Abigail Marie is born at 11:37 PM, and she’s beautiful.

  Aiden smiles at me from across the room, and I go to him. “I don’t think I’ll ever be the same,” he whispers into my ear, and I chuckle. “You just can’t unsee that.”

  “This is only the beginning of many firsts,” I say.

  “I can’t wait for the rest.” He kisses my forehead and wraps his arm around my shoulders.

  ***

  Sawyer and Dean have done quite a bit of remodeling over the last year. All new white shutters and the porch extends around the entire house now. Not too shabby, Preston.

  Sawyer must’ve seen me coming because she opens the door as soon as I walk up the front porch steps.

  “Hey Felix.” She smiles warmly. Being a mother looks good on her. “What are you doing here?”

  “I was hoping to talk to Dean. Is he around?”

  Her brow tightens. Of course, she’s confused. “Yeah. He’s in the kitchen. C’mon in.”

  Deans stands in their kitchen without a shirt, and Abigail wrapped in a white cloth sling around his body as he wipes down the countertops. He cradles the newborn in one arm, while wiping with the other.

  “Ever heard of a shirt, Preston?”

  He doesn’t look up. “Ever heard of knocking, Fink?”

  “I saw her coming up the drive, so I let her in,” Sawyer says, walking in behind me. “Do you want some water? Sweet tea?”

  “I’m good, thanks. I just came here to see you,” I say, looking at Dean. He watches me suspiciously, probably the way I looked at him when he sat down next to me at Timberpond Park. Sawyer excuses herself.

  “Is everything okay?” he asks.

  “I didn’t thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “Well, for one, bringing back my best friend. I’ve never seen Sawyer this happy, and I know it’s because of you.”

  A small smile turns the corner of his mouth. “I think we can call it a tie. Sawyer wouldn’t be where she is now if you hadn’t been there for her when I wasn’t. So, I should thank you.”

  “Okay. I’ll take credit for that,” I tease. “But, also, I wanted to thank you for helping me see where I needed to be. Aiden really is the best thing to walk into my life, and I was foolish for not seeing it before.”

  “It was only a matter of time. I just gave you the extra nudge.”

  “Maybe,” I say thoughtfully. “But maybe not. It wasn’t easy for me to see it, no matter what anyone else said, but somehow you knew what I needed to hear. Where were you two years ago?”

  “Wallowing in self pity.” He laughs self-deprecatingly. “But honestly, you wouldn’t have been ready for it. Things happened how they were supposed to. They always do.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Truce?” Dean asks, extending his hand.

  “Truce.” I place my hand in his and shake.

  ***

  Now that it’s March, spring is awakening. Aiden and I take Brooks to the park. The grass is greener, and the trees surrounding the park are budding blossoms of pink and white.

  The three of us kick the soccer ball around. While I don’t really know what I’m doing, it’s feels good to be a part of the team. The Three Musketeers. Aiden wants to prep Brooks for soccer season early, teach him new tricks
and enhance his skill, or whatever Aiden said. He thinks we can get him into a better league. He’s got the talent.

  Aiden kicks the ball to Brooks, but it surpasses him by a mile. There’s no way he thought Brooks could get it. Brooks bolts after the black and white ball across the field.

  I frown at Aiden. He catches me around the waist and draws me into him, stealing a long, hard kiss. Pulling back slightly, he touches his lips to mine once more. “I just had to do that.”

  I latch onto his arms and stroke my finger up and down his tattoos. “You’re allowed to kiss me in front of him, you know? I suspect we’ll be doing it a lot in the future.” I smile against his mouth.

  “I’d rather not have an audience. And I’m sure he appreciates not being one.”

  “You don’t wanna give him a show?” I ask wryly.

  “I’d like to reserve the show for a more private venue.”

  I hold Aiden closer. “I might be able to arrange that.”

  EPILOGUE

  PRE-WEDDING PEP talks are supposed to be a little reversed, but our life has been anything but conventional. As Mama sits on the edge of my bed, I find a place beside her and take a deep breath. Lavender. She’s still here.

  It’s been almost five years since Alzheimer’s took her away from me. She stares straight ahead until she feels the shift of the mattress and then looks at me as if she just realized I’m in the room.

  “Hey, Mama.”

  “Oh. You’re wearing such a pretty white dress,” she mumbles. “Why are you wearing that?”