Healing Hope

by C. A. Harms

  “There is no competition.” I say these words as her fingers still press tightly to my lips and the seriousness in her expression falters enough to notice.

  “That week without you was not easy.” She lowers her hand. “In fact, it was the longest week of my life. So many times I wanted to call you, but I guess my stubbornness won out. But the moment I saw you in that church, that hesitation was gone. It’s like everything I’d ever felt for you came rushing back times ten.”

  “Me, too.” And the fact that some asshole was hitting on her didn't help matters for me either.

  “So, are we gonna be okay? Of course we are, because if we weren’t, I’m not sure I could ever truly get over that.”

  Chapter 30

  Hope

  “I’m okay, I promise.”

  “Promise me you won’t drive upset.” I loved his concern for me, it was so comforting. “Pay attention to the weather, it’s supposed to get bad later, and I don’t want you driving in the storms.”

  “Okay, Dad,” I tease, and get nothing in return, not even a chuckle.

  “I’m sure I could call your father right now, and he’d agree.”

  I roll my eyes and hold back the laughter bubbling in my chest. “Okay, fine, but you really need to take a nap or something. You’re a bit cranky.”

  “It’s only ‘cause I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too.”

  We end the call just as I pull into the long narrow driveway that leads up to the Thomas home. I use to love coming out here with Walker because it was away from the city, yet close enough that you could skip into town quick to grab what you needed to. Secluded, just outside Kansas City itself.

  As the brick style ranch came into view, my heart began to race, not only from fear, but excitement, too. Robert and Marleen Thomas were two of the sweetest people, but I hadn't seen them since the funeral. I wasn't sure what reaction I would get, but of course my mind allowed me to once again believe the worst. Maybe they’d ask me to leave, because seeing me would be a reminder of what they’d lost. I hoped not, but it was a possibility. Losing a son, their only son, devastated them both.

  Crawling out of my car, I hesitantly walk toward the front door, and with each step I take, my stomach grows even more nervous. The constant flip and flop began to make me feel nauseous. I pause for a moment on the top step as I try to slow down my racing heart, taking in one deep breath after another.

  Finally able to find the nerve I lifted my hand and knocked on the door, hearing Rigby, Walker’s German Shepard, begin to bark just on the other side. A rush of memories hit me suddenly as I got lost in the day that he first got Rigby.

  “I think I should change his name to Axel or Brutus.”

  “What’s wrong with Rigby?” I pick up the puppy and hold him close as he lifts his mouth to lick at my chin. “I think he is adorable, and the name suits him.”

  “See, adorable,” Walker complains with a pout almost. “I don’t want him to be adorable, I want him to be fierce.”

  “Good luck with that.” I snuggle him closer. “I plan to make this guy a cuddle bug.”

  “Honestly.”

  “Oh yes,” I assure him as I begin to kiss the snout of this furry little creature I plan to adore.

  “Hope,” I’m suddenly pulled from my memories and suddenly realize I am facing not just Robert, but Marleen too. Both staring at me with curious smiles. “It’s so nice to see you.”

  I wasn't sure if she was being honest or if she was being kind. I could sense the same nervous behavior in the both of them that I had been expressing for what felt like for days. Ever since I decided I needed to do this.

  “I’ve wanted to come so many times, I just--” I could feel the tightness in my chest growing with each breath I took. As if Marleen sensed my struggle, she reached out and pulled me tightly against her.

  “I know,” she soothingly whispers, “we know.”

  For a moment I simply allow her to hug me as I focus on regaining my composure.

  “It really is great to see you both,” I say once she finally releases me. Mr. Thomas wastes no time moving in to also offer me a reassuring hug, only he is so gentle, as if he is fearful I may break. He reminded me so much of Walker and the resemblance between the two brought back a rush of feelings I hadn’t truly prepared myself for.

  Being led toward the living room, I looked around to find everything still in place. All the pictures of Walker, even some with me in them, still hung on the walls. The football trophies and ribbons he won graced the shelves around. My eyes cloud with tears realizing the longing they must still feel each and every time they look at one of those photos or awards.

  “Would you like something to drink?”

  “Water would be great.” Ms. Thomas nods as she moves from the room, leaving only me and Walker’s father now. The comfortability I’d always felt around them came back to me as if I hadn’t spent the last year avoiding this

  “How have you been, Hope? How’s school, life, everything?” Robert leans back on the couch as crosses one ankle over his opposite knee. The movement was one Walker used often, stretching out one arm over the back of the couch. He motions for me to join him, so I move forward and have a seat in the chair just opposite him.

  “Things are good. I mean, they’re okay.”

  “You do know that moving on, living your life shouldn't make you feel guilty.” I avert my eyes to my lap and toy with the hem of my shirt. “Walker always had such a soft spot for you. I think your happiness and success sometimes meant more to him then his own.”

  My lower lip trembled, though I did my very best to hide it.

  “I got to watch my son succeed at many things. I also was able to witness him falling in love for the first time.”

  Lifting my head, I try not to seem shocked or even confused by Robert’s words. “Though he may never have told you, I saw it every single time he looked at you. Even when he spoke your name, there was such admiration.”

  Of course he loved me, but he was never in love with me.

  “I used to tell him that he should just share that with you, but he was terrified. He said the friendship the two of you had was worth a thousand days of longing. That if he had to pretend you didn't hold his heart in your hands to preserve that friendship, then he would endure that ache forever.”

  “That’s crazy.” The words left my mouth before I could stop them.

  “Exactly what I told him.”

  Just then Marleen entered the room with a glass of ice water, and two coffees on a tray. Suddenly I wished I had asked for something much stronger.

  “I was just telling Hope that Walker would have wanted her to live her life.” Robert carefully tucked Marleen to his side as she willingly moved in closer to him. His protective nature made me think of Travis, and I couldn't help but smile. He had foregone the part of the conversation where he explained that his son loved me. That part still floored me.

  “School,” Marleen looks eagerly at me, “tell me all about what being a veterinarian is like.” My stomach feels as if it drops. “I remember all the times the two of you would sit for hours and watch all those rescue shows about wounded animals. It was in your nature, both of you, to be healers.”

  “I never finished.” The look of confusion written on their faces left me feeling momentarily speechless. I had an entire conversation rehearsed in my mind. I had run over it for what felt like a hundred times on my way here, yet now I couldn't remember one word of it.

  “Did you choose another route?”

  Marleen leaned forward, lifting her coffee from the table before her. She never actually lifted it to her lips, it was more to give her hands something to do. The knowing look on Robert’s face assured me he already knew the answer, but I explained anyway.

  “I couldn’t, I dropped out. It was just too hard.” I look away from both of them, needed to focus on something else other than the two people that reminded me of all my times with Walker. “I felt like I di
dn't deserve to finish. That it wasn't fair he couldn't live that dream, so denying myself was like a punishment.”

  At this point it was no longer possible to hold back the tears, so I freely allowed them to fall.

  “It was my fault we stopped that night. He didn't want to but--”

  It was Robert that was up off the couch and kneeling before me faster than I had a chance to prepare. “It wasn't your fault, nothing about that night was because of a choice you made or didn't make. It was his time.” The unshed tears that pooled in his eyes was heartbreaking. “He would never have wanted you to deny yourself, he wouldn't want your guilt. My son loved you, and just as I told you a few moments ago, your happiness meant the world to him.”

  “I miss him so much,” I confess, “and I’m gonna finish school. I’m gonna open the clinic in his honor, I promise.”

  “He would love that, and you have our blessing as well as our support. You always will, Hope,” reaching out he grabs a Kleenex from the small table beside me and hands it to me.

  The weight I felt on my heart was still then in regard to Walker. I think it always would be. He was my first love, my best friend, and a loss I know I will always feel. But now that I was here, sharing my thoughts, and even those doubts with his parents that ache felt just a little lighter.

  “It was such a great visit, and somehow I feel freed. Like that guilt I’ve felt all this time is lifted.”

  “Where are you now?”

  It was dark, but the lightning lit up the sky with load boisterous cracks. The thunder filled the space between and the big gusts of wind made it hard to drive straight. “I’m on Walters Lane,” or at least I thought I was. I look around, hoping I hadn’t somehow missed my turn.

  “Babe,” Travis sounded concerned. “We have storm warnings all over the place. Maybe you should turn back and ride out the storm at the Thomas’ house.”

  Mr. Protective.

  “I’m okay, really.” Just as I say the words, another crack of lightning skips across the sky making me jump in surprise. “Maybe you’re right.”

  “I’ve tried telling you this.” I can hear the humor in his voice. “How far out are you from their place?”

  “Just a few miles, I think,” I slow my car looking to the left and right for a place I can turn around. “I just need to turn around.”

  “You’re making me nervous.”

  I was making myself nervous but I kept that part to myself. Spotting a space ahead, I stepped on the gas. “Okay.”

  “Okay what?”

  “I found a place to-”

  It all happened so fast, I didn't have time to prepare.

  A flash of lightning, a loud crack of thunder, and a large tree branch falling into the road. I swerved to miss it, only my front right wheel caught the end, and suddenly I feel weightless.

  I wasn't even sure I was speaking, I just heard the panicked voice of Travis as he called my name over and over.

  Then suddenly everything stopped.

  Everything.

  Chapter 31

  Travis

  The sounds of her screams ripped through me like a knife. Each one making me feel even more helpless than the first. I gripped the edge of Tripp’s counter and closed my eyes so tightly, they ached from the pressure.

  “Hope.” I was aware I was yelling her name over and over, but I couldn't stop myself. Nothing I said or did would silence her fear or mine.

  The sounds coming from the other end of the line were horrific. Crunching, shrieking, metal scraping and twisting, but through all that, the only thing I could concentrate on were her screams. Each one tearing into me, making me feel so raw.

  Then there was silence, and suddenly I realized I preferred the scream. That may sound crazy, or even insane, but at least then I knew she was alive.

  “Hope,” the raspy whisper didn't even sound like my own. The rawness in my throat and chest set me on fire, or so it felt. “Please.”

  I wasn't even aware tears had fallen until one dropped from my chin and landed on my fisted hand. Then a strong hand gripped my shoulder and I turned around to come face to face with my brother.

  His normal silliness was gone, and in its place was concern.

  “Walters Lane.” My chest heaved as I took in one breath after the next. “She said she was on Walters Lane.”

  Have you ever had that feeling as if you were in a tunnel, unable to see anything around you, only what was before you? But even that was so far away, as if there were miles between the two.

  I felt that.

  Tripp motioned to Missy and she didn't need a word to know he wanted her to call in the accident.

  “We’re going to get her help.”

  “I have to go.” I pushed off the counter and began walking toward the door, only to have him attempt to stop me.

  “We need to let the rescue personnel and police help her.”

  I don’t know what took over, fear, adrenaline maybe, but I grabbed the collar of his shirt and pinned him to the wall near the door. “If that was Missy out there, would you wait for someone else to save her? Would you sit back and wait for the phone call that could fucking break you, or would you go to her?”

  He gave me one nod.

  “That’s right, you would go. So don't you dare try to stop me from doing the same.”

  I released my hold and moved to the door. The sound of his boots moving after me. “I’m going with you.”

  I never tried to argue, it would only delay me more.

  For what felt like hours I knew to be only minutes, we drove in silence. The storm was still very strong and the rain was heavy, making it difficult to see. The closer we got to Walters Lane, the more my heart raced.

  Through the darkness you could see the beam of her headlights as we rounded the last bend. Hope’s car was turned on its side and the entire scene made me feel as if I had been kicked in the stomach repeatedly.

  Skidding to a stop, I throw my truck into park and try to climb out of the now opened door, only to be restrained. Spinning around, frantically trying to free myself I realized I had neglected to free myself from my seatbelt.

  By this time, Tripp is already out of the truck and running through the pouring rain toward Hope. The sound of sirens approaching did nothing to hold us back.

  The moment I see Hope through the windshield, hanging almost lifeless, still trapped by her own seatbelt, my knees grow weak. Tripp had climbed carefully along the side of the car and I remained in place, worried that with both of us atop it, we may somehow compromise the position of the vehicle.

  “Is she breathing?” The question was probably one of the hardest ones I have ever had to ask. Yet his silence was excruciating, too. “Tripp.”

  The sounds of car doors closing behind me did nothing to gain my interest.

  “Is she breathing?” This time I screamed the words frantically.

  “She has a pulse.” It was in the moment that I fall. Straight to my knees, the pavement biting into my skin didn't even faze me. Relief swarming my chest as I look up to the sky, allowing the rain to hit my face.

  “Thank you.”

  I’m not a religious man, not that I don’t believe in the power of a greater force, I just didn’t actively attend church. But in the moment, I was thankful for the man above, hell, whoever it was watching over Hope. Then it hit me, and fuck if I didn't feel as if for a moment I couldn't breath.

  “Thank you, Walker.”

  He was the guardian angel to the woman I loved.

  I watched as the medical personnel worked with my brother to free her from her car. Tripp lifted her in his arms, and with the help of two other men, they carefully moved her away from the car.

  A neck brace in place, as well as a flat board behind her made the situation all the more real.

  I move quickly toward her, and once she is securely strapped to the gurney, I lean over and press my lips to her forehead. “You better not leave me, sweet girl,” Closing my eyes tight, I take in a d
eep breath. “I need you, Hope, I love you.”

  Love didn't even begin to describe the feeling flowing throughout me.

  Devoted, obsessed, maybe even worshipped. A possessive nature inside me that was impossible to tame. I cherished each and every thing about her. She was mine, and in turn, I was hers.

  “Why hasn't she woken up yet?” I stood next to Hope’s hospital bed, staring down at her. Her chest slowly rising and falling giving me the reassurance that she was at least breathing evenly on her own. “I need her to open her eyes.”

  “She will.”

  I spin around to find Hope’s father standing in the open doorway with a look of confidence. Squared shoulders, determination in his eyes as he stared past me at his daughter. I hadn’t realized anyone else was here. I had simply grown so frustrated that she was still unable to open her eyes and talk to me that I was talking to myself, I guess.

  “She’s gonna be pissed when she does though, I do know that,” he chuckles, finally looking away from her and focusing on me. “Her car’s totaled, her leg is broken, and that knot on the side of her head looks like she’s finally sprouting those horns I always teased my little devil about growing one day.”

  “She is a little fiery, isn't she?”

  “A lot,” he corrected. “A lot fiery.”

  He moves into the room further, and to the opposite side of the bed that I stood on. For a moment, he once again just stared down at her in silence. A father watching his daughter, and I imagined he was feeling that helplessness I felt, and am still feeling. I would give anything to trade places with her.

  “After Walker passed, I worried my little girl was gone.” I close my eyes for a moment, trying to prepare myself to hear again how much he was a part of her life. I’d heard it so many times that you’d think by now I would be used to it. How does a man get used to the idea that the girl he loves may never love him back with the same amount of depth because there was already someone she loved to that magnitude?