The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer

by Richard Clynton

  CHAPTER XX.

  Just as the Buccaneer was about to start upon his round of calls, thesnowy white sails of a large ship were to be seen gliding, as it seemed,over the fields that hemmed in his principal river; the hull of thestranger being hidden by a bend. From her mast-head flew a star-spangledbanner, and the well-known strains of Yankee Doodle came floating up onthe southerly breeze. "Ah!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, "Here comesJonathan, our cheap-Jack cousin: been home to refit and reload Isuppose." Presently a long black hull with a good sheer forward came, asit were, out of the low lying land below the city.

  In days long gone by, such a suspicious looking craft would have madethe bold Buccaneer beat to quarters, when out would have gone his guns,but times had greatly changed, and pirates of the open and declared typewere not to be seen on Western waters. The black flag with death's headand cross-bones is never boldly run up now to the mast-head as in thegood brave days of old. It frightens people. So all robberies both onsea and land are done under more respectable looking flags; and verymuch more genteelly. No walking the plank, no running up to the yardarm. Now a whole crew are sent to the bottom of the sea at a singleshot, and there is an end of them.

  The stranger finding a comfortable berth, rounded to, as sailors say.Splash went her anchor, rattle, rattle went her chain. Down came theyards, clewlines and buntlines were well manned, and up went the snowysails. The nimble seaman scudded up aloft, and rolled up the canvas, andeverything was trimmed down, and hauled taught, and his yards squared inproper ship-shape fashion. "Bravo, Jonathan!" cried the Buccaneer."Nearly as well done as I could have done it myself. True chip of theold block; eh! Dogvane?"

  "Yes, sir: and at driving a bargain, or getting the better of a friend,our Jonathan has not an equal."

  Presently a boat impelled by lusty arms and hands shot round the sternof the old ship, and brought up alongside, and a tall lanky fellow witha big pack on his back stepped on deck. In an easy tone of familiarityhe saluted the old Buccaneer. "Wa'al, old hoss, how are things withyou?"

  "Pretty well, Jonathan; pretty well," replied the Buccaneer.

  "Glad to hear it; heard things wasn't quite O.K. Ever taste O.K.bitters? No! Wa'al, they would just revive a corpse, O.K. bitters would,you bet. Let us deal," he said as he took his pack off, and began layinghis merchandise out on the deck. "I say, Boss, could you make itconvenient to have this aire stream of yours widened? It puts me more inmind of one of our drains than anything else."

  The old Buccaneer was highly indignant at his principal river beingspoken of in such a disrespectful manner, and he replied with muchdignity: "My river, Master Jonathan, is good enough for me, and if it istoo narrow for other people, they can stay away."

  "No offence, Boss, no offence. It does look small after our Mississippi,that would be an eye-opener for you, old hoss. But this ain't business.Now, here we have a lozenge that will cure anything, from a cough to abroken leg. Here's a pill fit to physic creation. Honest sailor," hesaid, addressing Dogvane, "try this pill. It will make your hair standon end. Take a box for the sake of your family. Each pill is worth apound, let you have a whole box for one shilling and a penny ha'penny.You have a son, a hopeful boy, give him a pill, if not a pill, try himwith this pickle, it will sharpen his understanding and make him acredit to his family. Just you ask who cured Stonewall Jackson?" Dogvanedeclared he did not want anything; but Jonathan still cried up hiswares. "Try this cocktail before going to bed, it will make your teethcurl. Talking about teeth; in teeth I guess we're tall. Now here is aset that one of your ecclesiastical big guns has asked God's blessingon, and they're up a quarter dollar accordingly."

  "Jonathan!" the Buccaneer said, "I have long wished to have a littleprivate conversation with you."

  "All right, Boss, I thought something was up, chuck it off your chest,whatever it is, it will relieve you."

  "I don't think it either neighbourly, or friendly, Jonathan, on yourpart to harbour people who plot against my life and property."

  "What! Have you found out, old hoss, that snakes bite! You've harboureda good deal of vermin in your day, and you can't blame me for doing whatyou have done yourself. No, Sirree, that cock won't fight. Why, you'vegiven an asylum to the cut-throat rascals of every nation under the sun,and when you could not find room for them, you have sent them over tome."

  "I have only given an asylum, Jonathan, to the oppressed."

  "That is only one way of looking at it, Boss. Too fine a name for afellow with a bowie knife up his sleeve, and a six-shooter in hispocket; if he cries 'hands up,' old man, where are you? But this ain'tbusiness, honest sailor," here he again addressed Dogvane. "Buy thisbaby jumper for the missis. It will rock your child to sleep, wake it inthe morning, wash it, dress it, slap it and feed it, and all for a fewdollars. You have a son? No father of a family should be without thisarticle." Then turning to the Buccaneer he said, "I reckon my gals areleaving your gals standing. They are just taking away all the cream ofyour men. Now, here's a notion, that may be will mend matters, try acargo of these patent palpitating bosoms. They are warranted to go; theyare as natural as life, and ever so much more convenient, for they canbe taken off at night and put on in the morning. They never increase,and not like some cheap kind of article, you never see them under theshoulder, at the back, instead of in their proper places in front; buy apair on trial."

  "Stay, Master Jonathan, let us settle one thing at a time. Is it rightfor you to let the Ojabberaways hatch their infernal plots against me inyour country?"

  "Look here, old hoss, the Ojabberaways are blowers; then let them blow.It satisfies the darned skunks, and it don't hurt you. It aint safe inthese high pressure times to sit upon your safety-valve. Let 'em blowoff."

  "I don't mind their blowing off, Jonathan; but I object to the skunks,as you call them, blowing up. As for blowing off; why, my parks andpublic places, are regular blow-holes, where democrats, demagogues,socialists, and blasphemers may, and do, howl themselves hoarse."

  "It don't seem to me, old hoss, that you are altogether boss of yourshow. You are trying to run your ryal car on a democratic gauge, andyou'll either run off the track or you'll bust your biler. But thisain't business, won't you buy? Honest sailor, here's a knife that willlick creation; and here's a watch--I reckon we are pretty big inwatches. This child of nature is just leaving the rest of the worldstanding." Jonathan seeing that he could do no business, said, as hepacked up his things: "Trade does seem dull; but I'll just look roundshore. This island of yours is so darned small, and your cliffs are sohigh, that it is dangerous to walk after nightfall. You should just comeover to our side of the water; you'd see something like a patch of land,you bet." Jonathan went forward to see if he could do any businessamongst the crew. The carpenter wanted to deal with him in nails; thenthe cook wanted to clear out the Buccaneer's lumber-room; and thepackman said that for a duke or two, or a couple of lords he wouldspring some dollars; for that he had none in his country, andaccordingly they were very highly esteemed. He did love a lord. Then hewanted to exchange a dozen brow-beating barristers for one incorruptiblejudge; but the cook, the carpenter, and Billy Cheeks, the butcher, allsaid, that of brow-beating barristers, their old man had enough and tospare, and they could not part with any of their judges. As thecheap-Jack went over the ship's side, he said he had, he feared,mistaken the latitude and longitude, for he thought by the way thingswere going, he must be in the neighbourhood of Jerusalem. When he gotashore he had still greater reason for thinking this, for the Hebrewelement was so strong that he declared there was little chance of anhonest man getting a living. Many of the Jews tried to modernize theirnames, but do what they would, they could not change their natures.

  Just as Jonathan, the packman, was stepping into his boat, the cooklooked through one of the port-holes and asked him if he had any needfor the Buccaneer's lion. Jonathan said he thought the animal was notsound, but the cook declared that he was; only a little out of wind,having done a good deal of roaring in his day. Jonathan offered in
exchange a skunk, which he declared was a most useful and valuableanimal, respected alike by friends and enemies; but they could not deal.

  Soon the voice of the cheap-Jack was heard mingling with the others onshore. The Ojabberaways, though they bought little, and sold still less,received a good many of Jonathan's almighty dollars, and as long as theylasted they were likely enough to love him and be friends.