The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer

by Richard Clynton

  CHAPTER XXXIV.

  The Buccaneer's War Minister now received his summons, as in navalmatters, so in military. The high official who had charge of his army,and was responsible for the safety of the Buccaneer's vast empire, wastotally ignorant, or nearly so, of all things connected with themilitary profession. When Dogvane descanted upon his ignorance of allthings military, the Buccaneer exclaimed: "Stay, Master Dogvane! if mybody is ailing should I not send for a physician, one skilled indisease? If my mind is disturbed upon some spiritual matter should I notsend for my spiritual adviser? And if I want a legal opinion should Inot go to my lawyer?"

  "If you did, sir, I do not hesitate to tell you that you would be actingin an altogether unconstitutional manner."

  "What! then if I want a coat made I should not go to my tailor? If Iwant a pair of boots I should seek some other than my shoemaker to makethem?"

  "Undoubtedly, sir, for such ever has been your custom, and who will saythat it has not worked well; for you are both wealthy and great. Yourplan ever has been to put the roundest of men into the squarest ofholes. It is a fortunate thing, sir, that human nature is so pliablethat it can adapt itself to any condition."

  The War Minister was in his particular part of the ship, occupied,together with the most eminent of the Buccaneer's military officers, intesting and trying which of all the advertised food for infants was bestadapted to the requirements of the Buccaneer's military babes. They hadnot settled this weighty matter when the War Minister received hissummons. Not being a soldier he was completely taken by surprise, ofcourse no soldier would allow himself to fall into such a perilousposition; but to show his comrades that he had not lost his selfpossession he altered somewhat an old song of the Buccaneer's to suitpresent purposes, and went away merrily singing:

  "I'm afloat, I'm afloat In the old Ship of State, The sailor's profession I cordially hate."

  No doubt his thoughts were wandering back to the time when he himselfhad been at sea. In all probability he had had charge of the Buccaneer'snavy and becoming too full of knowledge had been removed to the army.When he appeared before his master he became quite flustered. Theofficial mind does at times, it is well known, play sad tricks, anddisplays upon occasions the most wonderful oblivion. When asked as tothe state his department was in, he replied: "Quite ship-shape, sir, andready for sea."

  "It appears to me, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you are at sea."

  "Am I? Then let me go below. Like many others, I suffer until I getaccustomed to the up and down motion. The lee lurches and weather rollsdisturb me. The smell of the oil and tar is offensive, and the result ispainful. Then the sailor's quaint oaths I cannot understand. I dare notchew, I cannot smoke, and I do not care to drink, so I feel convinced Iwas never meant for the sea."

  The War Minister was brought sternly back to his senses by CaptainDogvane, who told him in a severe tone to "wake up," and remember thathe was at present in charge of the Buccaneer's Land Forces.

  The War Minister was profuse in his apologies, and said: "In my time,sir, I have filled so many posts that I occasionally get confused. YourArmy, sir, is most efficient, and I am proud to be able to tell you thatyou pay more for your food, for powder, than any other nation under thesun. This to one of your vast wealth must be a source of the greatestsatisfaction; indeed, it must be a glorious thing to contemplate. Wehave recently made vast preparations, which of course have beencostly."

  "This, sir, is as I told you, and will account for the money youadvanced me, over that little affair in the East."

  "Ah! Master Dogvane, how is that going on?"

  "Excellently well, sir," was Dogvane's reply; "at least I have noofficial information to the contrary. At present, sir, things nearerhome claim our attention."

  The War Minister continued: "We have laid in an immense amount ofwarlike stores, and these, as every one knows, are most costly articles,and it takes far more to kill a man in the present state of militaryscience than it would take to keep him alive and in comparative comfortto the crack of doom. On paper, sir, I can mobilize an army, on paper Icould place it in the field and on paper I could feed and clothe it. Icould, if called upon, club either a battalion, a brigade or even adivision."

  Dogvane was not a soldier, but he thought it right to encourage hissubordinates whether they were right or wrong, so he exclaimed:"Capital, capital!" Then turning to his master, he said: "Beyond this,sir, you could not expect your War Minister to go. For a generaldeficiency in professional knowledge I feel sure it would be hard tofind his equal. For your practical information you must go to your FieldMarshal Commanding-in-Chief, than whom I am told you have no bettersoldier, and no one has done more to stamp out from amongst yoursoldiers the pernicious habit of using bad language; and this has notbeen done by any brutal exercise of power, but all by kindness and theforce of good example."

  "Then my Field Marshal never swears?" the Buccaneer asked.

  "Never, sir; at least," he said aside, "hardly ever."

  The Buccaneer, being a very religious man, was very pleased to hearthis. "But what is all this I hear," he said, "about my poor fellows whoare fighting for me not having proper food?"

  "The campaign in which you are at present engaged in the East."

  Dogvane stopped the War Minister abruptly, and went into a longexplanation. He drew many subtle distinctions as before, betweendifferent kinds of warlike operations some of which he said, thoughoffensive in form were purely defensive in essence. In fact, if lookedat from a proper point of view were no operations at all. Dogvane'sreasoning was of such an obscure nature that nobody could understand it,and there were doubts in the minds of some as to whether Dogvane himselfunderstood what he was talking about.

  The Buccaneer, fearing he might get out of his depth if he followed hiscaptain too far, came back to the main charge, and said to his WarMinister: "I am told my soldiers' food was so bad that they couldscarcely eat it. That their tea and coffee was mere filth, and that eventhe water they had to drink was of the vilest description, and this too,when I am surrounded by the newest inventions which will make themuddiest stream as pure as crystal, and I spare no expense?"

  "None whatever, sir," was the War Minister's reply. "I can assure you wepay the highest price for everything, and we can do no more. We haveheard no complaints, and vague rumours we never heed." The official earon the Buccaneer's island was quite as deaf as what the official eye wasblind. Dogvane said he should not be at all surprised if all thesereports were put about by the other watch, or as likely as not by thatbusy little devil, Random Jack. "All about your War Office, sir," hesaid, addressing the Buccaneer, "look particularly well fed, and arewell clothed. I have not seen a crack in either coat or trouser. Theyseem to want for nothing, and they are, I presume, a fair sample of thewhole; but satisfy yourself, sir. Ask your Field Marshal if he is wellfed and well clothed, and as the fountain-head, so, no doubt, is thestream that flows from it. No expense has been spared, I can assureyou."

  "And so, Master Dogvane, you all think to serve best my interests bysquandering my money, which goes into the capacious pockets of the moneygrabbing rascally contractors."

  "We have it, sir, on the authority of your only general, who, though anOjabberaway, is worthy of credence, that, at no time in your wholehistory has your army been in so excellent a condition."

  "Have I then only one general?" the Buccaneer asked in surprise.

  "Only one that we have officially any knowledge of; for furtherinformation on that subject, sir, I must refer you to yourCommander-in-chief. Your military administration is distinguished forits very great zeal and energy. For long and weary hours--in fact, from10 o'clock in the morning till 4, or even 5 o'clock in the dewy evening,the busy brains of your War Office officials are constantly at workgrinding up all military ideas to a common level of official pulp, andit says a very great deal for the quality of the official brain that ithas never yet broken down under the severe strain that has been put uponit. There has not been,
as far as I know, a single instance of wellauthenticated madness inside your War Office. Go to your arsenals, andyou will find them a busy hive of industry. The hive is occasionallyblown up by an explosion, but the operatives, as a class, are happy andcontented. Your military nurseries are full of the most promisingchildren, who will, should they survive the many ills that childishflesh is heir to, develop, no doubt, into most excellent soldiers. Is itnot so?" This latter was addressed to the War Minister, who said that itwas, and added: "They have all been vaccinated, and most of them havehad the measles, and not a few the whooping-cough. In olden days, sir,your battles were fought by the scum of your populations. This greatblot in your military system we are eradicating, and in the future, sir,moral force, which, it has been estimated, is equal to about three toone of physical force, will play no mean part in all your militaryundertakings. Therefore, multiplying your units by three gives you afirst fighting line of over 500,000 men, with a total fighting power ofabout one million and a half."

  "Take care, sir," said the Buccaneer, "that you do not make my soldierstoo thin skinned. A pampered dog won't fight, and a hound too finelybred will not face the prickles of a gorse bush. Whatever my soldierswere in the past they fought well, and have built up for me areputation, that I hope my soldiers of to-day and those who lead themand those who guide them will know how to keep. The deeds, MasterDogvane, of the brave lads that are gone are written on tablets placedon the walls of the Temple of Fame. Let no foul breath of calumny bebreathed over them, for whatever sins they have committed have beenwashed out with their own blood. One thing, Master Dogvane, they atleast had, and that was, good trusty steel."

  Dogvane took the hint, and thought that a little candour would bestserve his purpose. "It has come to my ears, sir, that our modern steelis not quite up to the mark, so to test it I have ordered a RoyalCommission to sit upon our bayonets and cutlasses, and if they cansupport without bending or breaking so severe a strain, their tempermust be good indeed. It has been said too, amongst other things, thatyour machine guns occasionally jam and I will not deny that it is so,when they are in the hands of your sailors, but, then, they are suchmerry devils that they would jam almost anything."

  The War Minister now being called upon to continue his report, said:"Your militia, sir, which has always been considered the backbone ofyour army gives us little or no consideration, and it seems to get onvery well without our interference. Whatever care, attention, andpatronage we have to spare we bestow it upon your volunteers--a mostworthy body of men, costing you but little; not encumbered with too muchequipment, and fed and nourished almost entirely upon official butter,which is the cheapest of all articles of food, on a recent occasion,sir, when you were engaged in operations in Egypt."

  "In Egypt!" the Buccaneer exclaimed, and the hot words of the gipsy cameback upon him, and he was lost for a while in his own moody thoughts.

  For a time the War Minister spoke to deaf ears. "You bought thousands ofcamels, and mules, and pack-saddles innumerable. After the purchase wascompleted we were delighted to find that these saddles were for the mostpart perfectly useless, as they would not fit any animal in yourpossession, so we were enabled to sell them at a considerable loss."

  "Is this right, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked, waking up.

  "It is quite constitutional, sir, and is the result of your peculiar andlong cherished system. I do not say that things would not work betterunder a round hole for a round man plan; but you are so accustomed tothe other that to change might be dangerous. It would certainly berevolutionary."

  The War Minister continued. "In purchasing your stores, sir, we alsoacted upon principle and custom. We gave as few orders as possible toyour own people; but distributed them as evenly as we could amongst yourneighbours."

  The Buccaneer was about to make a reply; but Dogvane nipped it in thebud by saying: "It is quite constitutional, sir." If this was so ofcourse the old Sea King had nothing to say, for he loved hisconstitution.

  "Our beef and pork," said the War Minister, "we get from our cousin, thecheap-Jack Jonathan. Our sauce we get from your neighbour, MadameFrance."

  "Do you remember what a neatly turned ankle she had, sir?" said Dogvane,who, like all sailors and not a few landsmen, had a great admiration forthe ladies.

  "Our pickles," the War Minister continued, "we get from Germany, and areof a well known brand, high flavoured and satisfying. As we are the verybest tinkers in the world, our pots, pans, and camp kettles we make andmend at home. We feed your full-grown soldiers on worn-outdraught-bullocks brought over from Holland, and on the most deliciousmesses. We give them a highly flavoured stew peculiar to theOjabberaways. They have had an abundance of Egyptian hash. This againhas been varied by a goodly supply of Indian curry, Afghan ragout, and avery savoury mess peculiar to Burmah. I may just mention in passing,that through the most creditable carelessness on the part of one of yourgenerals we got rid of a very large number of camels, which wereslaughtered by the enemy; thus saving us the trouble and expense oftheir keep. For any other information I must refer you to your FieldMarshal."

  Dogvane dismissed this official, praising him very much for the state ofhis department.

  When the distinguished soldier appeared, who was at the executive headof the army, he stood in the attitude peculiar to soldiers. His head waserect and every limb was rigid, and the arms were extended by the sideof the body, fingers straight and closed on the thumbs, which were in aline with the seams of his trousers. This is the easy and gracefulattitude of military respect as laid down by regulation.

  "How, sir, is it that you have allowed my army so to deteriorate that Ihave only one general?" asked the Buccaneer, as he cast upon his FieldMarshal a look of pride. "At one time I could count them by the scores."

  "Sir, two kings cannot sit on one throne, and at present your island isnot sufficiently large to hold more than your only general."

  The Buccaneer showed extreme solicitude for the well being of his onlygeneral, whose life was, of course, extremely precious, so he exclaimed:"Field Marshal! I command you on all occasions to protect the life of myonly general. Form yourself into a rampart round him and save him fromthe bullets of my enemies. Even as David in the days of old sent Uriahthe Hittite to the front of the battle, so send I you, should I beengaged in any military operation either of an offensive or defensivenature."

  The Field Marshal, commanding in chief, no doubt felt keenly the verygreat confidence thus placed in him, though of course it would not havebeen in keeping with the tradition of his profession to show any outwardsigns of exultation.

  The captain of the watch, seeing the great concern that the Buccaneerhad on account of the dearth of generals, and knowing his love for theBible, tried to console him by saying: "Fear not sir! that Providencewhich shapes our ends, rough hew them as we may, will find you withother generals, even as Abraham was provided by Heaven with a ram in thebush."

  Sometimes the most trivial circumstance will ward off the most seriouscatastrophe, and the remark of Dogvane gave the old Sea King anopportunity to indulge in a little pleasantry. "A general in the hand,Master Dogvane," he said, "is worth two in the bush." Now, however smalla joke may be, or indeed however heavy and obscure, it is the duty ofall subordinates to see it at once, and to laugh at it immoderately.This was shown to an eminent degree even in the Buccaneer's Courts ofJustice, the atmosphere of which was so charged with judicial gravitythat the slightest possible humour on the part of a judge was quitesufficient to convulse the whole court and bar with laughter. TheCommander-in-chief being in uniform could not laugh as much as he wouldhave done, had he not been so buttoned up. It was his duty to appreciatethe joke of the Buccaneer, and in a matter of duty the Field Marshal wasnever found wanting. Dogvane laughed as immoderately as if the joke hadbeen his own. The clouds having been dispelled by merry peals oflaughter the Buccaneer asked if his soldiers were as good as those whofought at Ramillies and Waterloo; these being two of the Buccaneer'smost famous battles. The Fi
eld Marshal was obliged to answer thisofficially. He said that as far as brute strength and physical forcewere concerned, that perhaps the soldier of to-day was not quite equalto the soldier of the past; "but," he added, "what he has lost instature and chest measurement he has gained in morality and sobriety.The men of Ramillies drank deeply, and those of Flanders swore terriblyhard, so we are told; no doubt on account of some peculiarity in theclimate; but now, sir, by the force of my own good example I have donevery much towards stamping out the pernicious habit of making use of badlanguage from amongst your soldiers."

  "So I have heard," replied the Buccaneer, "and it does you extremecredit." What a gross iniquity to call so good a man as our Buccaneer apsalm-singing, old humbug! It only shows what a hold envy, hatred,uncharitableness, and even malice, have upon the human mind.

  "Field Marshal!" said the Buccaneer, addressing the Commander-in-chief,"you have done well, and it is my intention to reward you. I can bestowupon you no greater title than you at present possess, and of incomeyou have ample, so I cannot increase that; but knowing how much you haveat heart the welfare of the profession which you yourself so much adorn,I wish to give you some mark of my high esteem and favour. I thereforecommand Dogvane, that my army be at once increased by one man and twoboys."

  Hearing this the Commander-in-Chief was overcome with emotion, andDogvane said, "My master is indeed generous. I am myself much againstbloated armaments; but still it is as well to strike at times a littleawe into our neighbours, who are always peacocking about Europe, andthey will respect us all the more. With this increase, and the aid ofour reserves, and our brave auxiliaries, our army will be placed on awar-footing. No doubt all this will not be without its effect upon theEastern Bandit, and will assist King Hokee in his undertaking."