CHAPTER XLI.
Things with the Buccaneer had so gone from bad to worse and so preyedupon his mind that his body became affected and he was seized withillness of a lingering kind; but the nature of his illness no one knew.
Now his island was celebrated for men skilled in the treatment of everyknown disease that man is heir to. Many of these men were specialists,that is to say, they bestowed the whole of their labour and attentionupon some one particular disease, or part of the human body. Othersagain were faddists, that is, they pinned their faith to some particularcourse of treatment. One of these tried upon the Buccaneer totalabstinence, but he got so weak and irritable that this man was shown thedoor. He went away perfectly well satisfied that the Buccaneer's lifewas merely a matter of days. Another doctor was called in, who declaredhe was no advocate for slops and physic. A generous, but plain diet,with plenty of fish to strengthen the brain, the whole washed down by atablespoonful of whisky diluted well with water, twice a day, was allthat was required; but on no account to touch claret, which, hedeclared, was little better than poison, while sherry was molten lead tothe strongest stomach. This advice was not given in the above simpleterms, for no little of the physician's skill depends upon a gravedeportment, and the use of a language altogether unintelligible to theordinary mind. Then when by long familiarity the understanding doesbegin to grasp a name, a new denomination is found for an old complaint,or something fresh is manufactured out of the weakness of the humanbody. The above treatment was acceptable for a time; but it soon beganto pall upon one who had all his life been accustomed to good living, soanother doctor had to be tried. When this eminent man heard of thecourse prescribed by his predecessor, he raised his eyebrows and smiledin a grave and wise manner; there being no approach, however, to coarseand vulgar mirth. "Ah!" he said, as he read over the prescription andorder of diet, "brother Grain is a very clever fellow, without doubt,but he has his whims and fancies. Whisky he swears by, because he likesit himself; but I confidently assert that you cannot drink anything verymuch worse. A little good sound claret, not any of those mixtures, mindyou, that are made at home, but a good, pure, wholesome, sound, and notmanufactured wine. This, and a diet of game, or fowl, will bring yourelief. The nature of your disease is to be explained simply thus:Imperfect mastication and a slight weakness of the salivary glands notbringing about a healthy deglutition there is in consequence acorresponding loss of chymification, followed by imperfectchylification, and thus the food is not properly acted upon before itpasses through the pyloric opening into the duodenum. Having had theabove explained to you in this simple and unpedantic manner, you will,no doubt, my dear sir, feel very much more at ease." Having thusdelivered himself, the doctor took both his fee and his departure.
How sad it is that the poor human body cannot run through its brief spanof life, without having to carry about inside it a bottled-up disease ofsome kind or other, which in time eats through the cork, or stopper, andflows out all over the system, poisoning everything. Taking away allsunshine, all happiness, until at length it dries up the channels oflife; not sparing either the great and rich, but attacking the mighty aswell as the lowly; not leaving alone so great a man even as our boldBuccaneer. It is sad, but then there is a crowd waiting for us to moveon.
After the faddists came the specialists. Each one of these saw in theBuccaneer's illness some one of the symptoms of his own especialdisease. Many of these most eminent men met in consultation, and therewas a great diversity of opinion. Each of the learned physicians flew atonce to his particular part of the Buccaneer's body. One said he wassuffering from dropsy and that nothing would save him but immediatetapping. Another said it was stone, while a third was equally sure itwas his kidneys that were affected; this happening to be at the time thefashionable disease. The exploring needle was thrust into every part ofthe patient's body, with the result that some skulking disease was saidto be at the end of it, like a base conspirator plotting at the greatman's life. They one and all agreed, however, that the patient wassuffering from plethora, brought about by a too generous diet, which sooften accompanied very great prosperity. So before they left they bledhim freely; but still he neither recovered nor did he mend.
Only one set of specialists dare not approach him, and these were themad doctors; those who treated the human mind. So sensitive was theBuccaneer on this point that it was extremely dangerous to mention thesubject of insanity. He allowed all his idiots and maniacs to go aboutat large, and he never interfered with them until they killed some one,or outraged society by some scandalous act of indecency. They were thenlocked up to keep them from doing further injury.
The old coxswain stood by his master and prevented him from being eitherstarved, bled, or physiced to death. His neighbours too, all took a kindinterest in his welfare. Looked in just to see how he was getting on,and to see how long he was likely to last. Said they hoped he would soonrecover; but in their hearts they hoped he never would. On their faces,as is the custom, they wore a deep look of concern; sympathised with allhis sufferings, and told him to cheer up, for that they felt confidenthe would pull through. Inwardly they were considering what of theBuccaneer's property they would lay their hands upon, when the oldgentleman became too weak to defend himself. This is not hypocrisy, itsprings from that most laudable motive of not wishing to prolong thesuffering, or hurt the feelings, even of a rival.
But what caused the poor old gentleman more annoyance than anything wasthe way some of the members of his family behaved, taking advantage ofthe old gentleman's state of health to pester him almost to death, andwould not take no, for an answer. His daughters even gave him no peace,and their shrill voices were to be heard even above the men's,clamouring for all kind of things.
Some of them put on their nursing caps and bib-aprons and fell towrangling amongst themselves as to how the sick man was to be treated,while at one end of the room, one Zedekiah Cant, had enthroned himself,and held forth, by way of comforting the sick man's soul, upon thehorrors of hell. This reverend gentleman had slipped into the room whiletwo priests belonging to the old Church Hulk fell foul of each other onthe door-step over a matter of orthodoxy.
The old coxswain tried his best to keep them all quiet, and he read manyof them a lecture; but just as he had succeeded in establishing a littlepeace in rushed one of the daughters--the one who, at the march-past ofthe disaffected, had begged that all violent death might be banishedfrom the Buccaneer's kingdom. "Look here, sir," she exclaimed, holdingup a pigeon. "It's dead!"
"Who is dead?" cried the old Buccaneer, as he raised himself up in bed,and looked fiercely round like some old terrier who on a sudden smells arat. "Has anything happened to the Eastern Bandit?" he asked. The rulingpassion it is well known is strong even in death.
"Far, far worse, sir," cried his daughter. "In wanton sport yourcruel-minded sons have killed this poor, unoffending bird. Its life hasbeen sacrificed to provide a holiday for the idle."
The Buccaneer finding that it was not his old rival who had come togrief, sank down again and appeared quite unconcerned. Miss Progress nowrequested silence and she at once commenced to lecture the Buccaneerupon the theory of atoms; but even this did not seem to revive thedrooping spirits of the sick man. It, however, edified the lecturer tono small degree, therefore it was not altogether barren of results. Nosooner had this daughter finished than another came forward, until atlength the Buccaneer, who was not ill enough to stand all this worrying,requested his coxswain to pack the whole lot about their business. Thishe did with extreme pleasure, and he assisted Zedekiah down-stairs withthe toe of his boot. As he was kicked out of the front door he wasattacked and well rated by the two clerical disputants, who droppedtheir discussion to do battle with him.
The old coxswain took this to be a good sign, "Ah!" he said to himself,"if my old master would only rip out an oath or two, like he used to inour good old fighting days, it would gladden my heart and I would saythere's life in the old dog yet."
Now there lived in t
he Buccaneer's island a celebrated quack, DoctorPolitics by name, and there was scarcely anything that this man was notsupposed to be capable of doing. He had practised long and with successand he was said to be extremely clever; having a remedy for everythingas most quacks have, and as he suited his fees to every pocket he did avery good business, and was becoming more powerful in the Buccaneer'sisland every day he lived. No doubt this man had worked some very greatcures and had brought relief to many suffering bodies; but the greatquack, like all great men, had his failings. Having been successful insome things he thought himself skilled in all, and his bearing soonbecame presumptuous and offensive in the extreme. People, however,believed in him, and that was all that was necessary. Of course he mademistakes at times, and his patients occasionally slipped through hishands, and occasionally the cure was worse than the disease; butaccidents will happen even to the cleverest men, and when he made amistake very little was heard of it.
In an evil hour the Buccaneer put himself entirely in the hands of thisphysician, who when he entered the sick man's room, began to make greatalterations both in medicine and diet. He was a most expensive man andhis fees were exorbitant, but to one as wealthy as the Buccaneer, moneyis no object, and indeed he thought all the better for those thingswhich he paid well for.
"Sir," said the quack, "I have only been called in just in time. You aresuffering from a very severe depression, brought about by too goodliving." In this he seemed to agree with the other physicians. "Yourconstitution is impaired, and even endangered, and your interioreconomy is altogether wrong. I will prescribe for you a strict regimen.Every action must be regulated by law, I will lay down for you what youare to eat, and what you are to drink, how much, and at what times. Yourhours of labour shall be defined, and also your hours for recreation;the latter I will in time make to equal, or exceed, the hours of toil.Your hours of sleep shall also be regulated, and indeed every action ofyour life shall be brought under proper control, so that you need nevertrouble yourself about anything, and any independent thought on yourpart, or even action, will be quite unnecessary and altogether out ofplace."
As is well known old servants frequently presume upon their position,and old Jack was no exception to the rule, so he said, "We have enoughof your sort of medicine, doctor, on hand already and to spare. What mymaster wants is a little more freedom."
The doctor looked up from the work he was at and said, "Indeed, may Iask, my good sir, at what college you took your degree? Are you one ofthose narrow-minded bigots, who not being able to see beyond your ownnose, which by the way seems to me to be an unusually long one, declarethat all beyond is ignorance and folly? Pray, may I ask if you arehomoeopath, or allopath?"
The old coxswain took no notice but creeping up to his master hewhispered in his ear, "Master, master, have a care. This fellow isweaving a straight waistcoat for you, and God only knows, you arecramped enough as it is."
But the Buccaneer did not understand his old friend and so the quackcontinued his work, and presently said, addressing the coxswain, "Well,my man, I will have nothing to do with you, and as you are likely tointerfere with my treatment with your cut and dried notions, your roomwill be better than your company. Your master requires no fruit of themedlar kind."
"If your medicine," replied Jack, "is of the same kind as your joke, itwon't kill with laughter if it does not cure, and there's comfort inthat."
"Begone, thou dotard!" cried the quack, "and mumble your old wives'sayings to old wives' ears." Thus was poor old Jack banished from hismaster's room. One of the accusations brought against the Buccaneer wasthat he turned his back upon his friends. About the truth of this it isnot necessary to trouble; in such things, and indeed in many others thatill nature floats, there is generally sufficient to give a colouring.One thing is certain, he now allowed a well-tried, and honest oldservant, to be put on the wrong side of the door.
Like some faithful old dog, Jack hung about the place and often, andoften tried to steal into his master's room, just to see how he wasgetting on. He swore he would be silent and not utter a word, but poorold Jack's reputation for silence was not great, and the quack doctorkept such an eye upon his patient that he could scarcely dare move, orspeak, without his authority. The only consolation that old Jack had wasto cry out in the hearing of everybody, "Well, damme! if this isliberty, give me the four iron-windowed stone walls of a prison forchoice." But nobody seemed to heed him.
It was a sad sight to see this, at one time, daring old Buccaneer, sofettered and bound. Many a good fight had he fought for the sake of hisfreedom and after all it had only brought him to this. Evils, it is wellknown, never come alone, and misfortune after misfortune befell him, forone morning the merry round-faced sun rose with a broader smile thanusual upon his jolly red face. It was found that Madam Liberty, of whompeople had talked and prated so much, and made such a to-do about,toadying, and flattering her, on even the smallest occasion, had turnedout to be no better than she should have been. The precise name by whichshe was known it is not necessary to mention. Women of her class have atall times played conspicuous parts in the world's history; being evenfavoured of princes and other noble personages, while one even was madethe consort of an emperor and sat upon an Eastern throne. But a greatersurprise was still in store for people, for one morning they rose up tofind that the modern Phryne had disappeared in a most mysterious mannerand many believed that she had been made away with by her son, Demos.This individual had now grown to great consideration in the Buccaneer'sisland, and under the patronage of the quack he had been made custodianof the household, and keeper of the old Buccaneer's honour; but thelatter office under his care soon became a mere sinecure. In turn Demosbecame the master even of the quack, who had done so much to place himwhere he was; but is not the story of kicking away the ladder by whichyou have climbed, a very old one?
The uncrowned queen, Respectability, still held her sway, but herkingdom had become more confined, and she became a most prim, andexclusive sovereign. The great quack doctor treated her with the utmostconsideration and politeness, and even Demos, who was for pulling downeverything, tried to gain her over, but her majesty became extremelyhaughty and reserved, and would have little or nothing to do with him.
But now the sorrow of sorrows has to be told. It was a wild and stormynight. The rain swept over the island in blinding sheets. The windhowled amongst the rigging of the old Ship of State, and the wild wavesdashed against the rock-bound coast, throwing up clouds of spray, androaring like hungry monsters, eager to devour their prey. The oldsign-board over the door of the Constitution public-house laboured toand fro in the blast, and groaned every now and again as if in pain. Thelight from a feeble lamp shed its uncertain rays upon two forms lyingside by side on the cold, damp earth, and the wind as it passed themseemed to sing a funeral dirge to the Buccaneer's two best friends, theBeggar Woman, Patriotism, and the old coxswain, Jack Commonsense.
The two of them had travelled side by side on the road to Misfortune;begging about from door to door, but they claimed neither pity norsympathy, all people being much too busy with their own affairs to paythem any attention. At length they dragged their starved bodies to diein front of the old house they both loved so well. With the loss ofthese two the Buccaneer's days, it was believed, were numbered.
The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer Page 41