“I’ll just be a second.” Her voice is muffled. The toilet flushes, and a minute later she comes out of the bathroom, wiping her hands on her thighs. She’s pulled her hair back into a messy ponytail.
“Geez, Han, what’s going on? Do you have food poisoning or something? Do we need to take you to urgent care?” Ryan rushes over and takes her arm, guiding her to the couch.
“I don’t have food poisoning.”
“Are you coming down with something? Is this the flu? You can’t fly like this. We need to reschedule your flight. You can stay here until you’re feeling well enough. And we can call the team doctor, right, Jake?”
“We need to talk to you.” Hanna avoids answering any of the questions and directs a small smile at Queenie. “Both of you.”
Ryan drops onto the couch beside Hanna, which is where I’d like to be. “What’s going on? You’ve been off all weekend. Please tell me it’s something I can fix. Whatever kind of medical attention you need, Han, I’ll take care of it.”
He’s such a good kid. Always putting his family ahead of everyone else, himself included.
I take the chair opposite Hanna, and she gives me a nervous smile before her attention shifts back to King. “I’m not sick, Ry.”
“Then what’s going on?”
The pause before Hanna speaks feels like it lasts an eternity, and the two little words she utters might as well be a sonic boom with the effect they have on King.
“I’m pregnant,” Hanna says softly.
Ryan sits there, like a deer in headlights, blinking, saying nothing at all.
At the same time, Queenie’s mouth drops open and a range of emotions passes across her lovely, expressive face. Her mouth forms an “oh” as she puts things together. Her hands come up as if she’s getting ready to clap, and then she covers her mouth as her gaze shifts from Hanna, to me, and back to Hanna.
“Pregnant?” Ryan finally echoes. It’s almost croak-like. Similar to a parrot.
Hanna nods and licks her lips.
“But how?” Ryan, who is usually composed and eloquent, seems to have been reduced to phrases and questions consisting of one or two words. “Who?”
“I’m the father,” I say, desperate to fill the silence. And then equally desperate to shove those words back from where they came.
Queenie squeals with something like delighted excitement.
Ryan’s lip curls in an angry sneer and he pushes to his feet. I’ve never been intimidated by his size before now, but he’s more than a decade my junior and he’s got a few inches on me, not to mention a good thirty pounds of bulk. He’s an all-star goalie for a reason.
“You got Momster pregnant?”
I might as well be holding a red cape as he charges me.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Not the Reaction I Was Hoping For
Hanna
I DON’T HAVE a chance to react before Ryan rushes Jake.
Queenie hops off the couch and gets between them before Ryan has a chance to throw a punch, thankfully. “King! Settle the F down!”
Ryan’s eyes are wide and wild. He’s livid and practically snarling at Jake.
I rush around to his other side, ready to grab his arm, although I’ve never actually seen Ryan punch anyone or anything.
“What the hell is going on? Are you two a thing?” His gaze turns to me, and under that anger is hurt. “How long have you been hiding this from me?”
“We weren’t trying to hide anything from you,” Jake says quietly. Calmly.
“Bullshit!” Ryan runs his hands through his hair. “That is fucking bull! How could you two do this? And behind our backs?” He spins back to Jake. “I trusted you to have Hanna’s best interests in mind and you get her pregnant! Does this mean you’re together now?”
Queenie’s expression is torn. She glances among the three of us and steps in front of Ryan again, settling her palms on his chest. Her voice is gentle but firm. “My King, I need you to take a breath. I know you’re hurt right now, and blindsided, but if we can’t listen to what they have to say, then we can’t understand. And this reaction isn’t going to help any of us, and all it’s going to do is make you feel bad later. Let’s take a breath and a moment, and listen.”
Ryan drags both of his hands down his face and blinks a bunch of times. He looks restless in his own skin.
He doesn’t take a seat on the couch again. This time he crosses over to the chair and drops down into it, pulling Queenie onto his lap like she’s some kind of human shield or his personal support human. Which I suppose she is.
I’m so glad he has her by his side to navigate life with. He deserves to be loved the way she loves him.
Jake takes a seat beside me. He puts his hand on his knee and glances at mine, which is in my lap.
I move it to the cushion beside me and he covers my hand with his, squeezing. I can hear Ryan’s teeth grinding together from where he’s sitting. I try to put myself in his shoes. He’s spent so much of his life in the dark, and we’ve had to rebuild our relationship since he found out he’s my son and not my brother. I know it’s been hard on him, and this must feel very much like a betrayal.
He’s unfailingly loyal. It’s one of the things I love most about him. It’s also challenging because Ryan often sees things only in black and white. There’s no room for grey when it comes to trust and honesty with him.
“Ryan, I understand that you’re shocked, and to be honest, so are we.”
“How long has this been going on?” His voice is quiet and raw, the hurt clear on his face.
“It was only supposed to be casual.” Jake rushes to my defense, then adds, “We’d been spending a lot of time together, as friends.”
“Planning for our wedding,” Queenie says softly.
“Obviously that changed,” Ryan says with a bite.
“It wasn’t intentional,” I tell them. “We didn’t mean for any of this to happen. We didn’t want to make things . . . complicated.” It’s not untrue. We truly had tried our best to stay on the right side of the friendship line. But staying at his house, spending time with him, late nights talking—eventually a late-night hot tub hang out turned into a late-night romp. And those romps kept happening until the wedding.
“Hanna and I have a lot in common, and we understand each other in ways not many people can,” Jake explains. “I can’t pretend I know how this feels for you, Ryan, but we did try to keep things platonic.”
“So you accidentally slept with my . . . Hanna?” Ryan blows out a breath. “You know what, you don’t need to answer that. How long have you known about the baby?” He looks between us.
“I found out yesterday afternoon, and I told Jake last night,” I say.
“Oh.” He rubs the space between his eyes, clearly struggling to digest all of this. “What the heck happened to using condoms?”
“We didn’t think it was something we needed to worry about, seeing as I’ve been menopausal for two years.” It’s not entirely true, but explaining what actually happened isn’t something I feel the need to do. That this is even a conversation I have to have, with Ryan of all people, is mind-boggling.
“There’s definitely some irony in that,” Queenie says with a chuckle. She moves to the chair next to Ryan, probably because his knee is bouncing with his anxiety.
He gives her a dark look. “This isn’t a joke, Queenie.”
“I know, but it’s not like it can be undone. And it clearly wasn’t intentional.” Queenie puts her hand over his and gives it a squeeze, likely to remind him that she’s on his side. “Does this mean that you’ll be moving to Seattle?”
The question is directed at me, and she looks both hopeful and expectant.
Jake and I glance at each other.
He starts with, “I think eventually that will make the most sense—”
“My life is in Tennessee.” Jake stiffens and moves his hand back to his lap. Ryan rubs his jaw and glares daggers at Jake, and I swallow down the desire to
backtrack. By their expressions, I know it’s the wrong thing to say, but I’m already facing so much change, and Jake and I had never planned for this to be anything more than some fun between the sheets.
“Not all of it,” Queenie says flatly.
“There are a lot of potential complications with this pregnancy. It’s reasonable to hold off on a move until we’ve seen the doctor and had all the necessary tests,” Jake explains.
“I’ve lived in Tennessee for thirty years. I have a job, and a house, and half of my family lives there,” I tell Jake. And the last time I was pregnant I was hidden away at my aunt’s, and then moved from Ohio to Tennessee. “And let’s all be realistic about this. I’m very high risk because of my age and I’ve already miscarried once. I’m not uprooting my entire life and moving across the country when there are still so many unknowns.”
“I don’t think we need to make that decision right now.” Jake’s expression reflects his disquiet.
“Does this mean you’re not planning to raise the baby together?” Queenie bites her lip, her gaze flitting between us.
Ryan huffs an annoyed breath. “Why the hell should Hanna have to give up her entire life for you? Maybe you should consider moving to Tennessee instead of the other way around.”
“And maybe you need to back off and let Hanna and me decide what we’re going to do, since it isn’t up to you,” Jake snaps.
“Don’t you dare talk to my son like that,” I fire back.
“It’s not up to him to make decisions for you,” Jake retorts.
I roll my shoulders back. “It’s not up to you either.”
“I have a right to be part of this.” Jake points to himself. “I’ve raised one daughter on my own. I’m not going to back off and passively wait for someone else to decide what my role gets to be in this kid’s life.”
“If you want to be part of those decisions, I suggest you change your tone. I would never speak to Queenie the way you’re speaking to Ryan or me. You might not like the questions he’s asking, or agree with what he has to say, but you don’t get to talk down to him.”
“You know, maybe it would be a good idea for my dad and me to go grab a coffee and have a chat,” Queenie says, before turning her attention to me. “And then you and Ryan can have a chance to talk, too.”
“That’s probably a good idea,” Jake says. His knee is bouncing restlessly and he looks a little green.
Queenie turns to Ryan and whispers quietly. He nods but doesn’t say anything.
Queenie and Jake gather their things, leaving me alone with Ryan. I don’t love the way that went down, but I understand this is emotional for all of us.
“Why didn’t you tell me you had feelings for Jake?” He doesn’t sound angry anymore, more hurt and disappointed than anything else, which is infinitely worse.
I realize this is less about the actual news and more about feeling like he’s been lied to. Ryan is very good at making it seem like he’s handling things well, but sometimes the truth is very different than how he presents. I slide down the couch so I’m closer to him. “We never intended to act on them.”
“What changed?” He spins his wedding band on his finger.
“I don’t know that there was any one thing.” It doesn’t make sense to be anything but honest with him. “We were talking more often when the wedding plans started, and he was there for me when I needed a sounding board.”
Ryan rests his elbows on his knees. “A sounding board for what? Why couldn’t you come to me?”
I give him a small smile. “Because it was your wedding, and I wasn’t going to put my insecurities and worries on you. I knew it was hard enough on you trying to juggle Mom and me and making sure we both felt included. And I appreciate the lengths you went to in order to make sure I felt like I was part of the day . . . but I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it was easy to stand on the sidelines. And not because of anything anyone did or didn’t do. I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was, and Jake was there for me.” Being with him helped distract me from the stress of it all. And we connected in ways that no one else could really understand. And now we’re linked in ways that neither of us intended.
“I would have been there for you,” he says.
He seems stuck on this point, and I get it, because I have always been open and honest with Ryan, just like he’s been open and honest with me. About most things. Apart from how he and Queenie actually met—which I learned from Queenie and the girls on one of our many pre-wedding activity dates. “You had more than enough on your plate, Ryan. Your focus needed to be on the wedding, and putting you in the middle of everything more than you already were wouldn’t have been fair.”
“I would have found a way to make it easier if I’d known, though,” he argues.
“I know, and I love you for it, but that is exactly why I didn’t come to you about it.” I hate that I’ve made him question my loyalty to him, and all I can do is hope that our relationship can heal from this new blow.
I cover his hand with mine. His is more than twice the size. My heart hurts that I’m so torn. I’m scared, elated, and worried, not just about the baby, but about Ryan, too. “I made choices when I was young that had consequences, and one of them was realized when you got married and I couldn’t be the mother of the groom. I didn’t get a mother-son dance. Mom is still a mom to both of us, and we couldn’t undo thirty years just because you knew the truth. Or take that away from her. And that was tough for me, but I didn’t want to make it hard for you, too. So, while I understand that you want me to be able to talk to you like your peer, the difference is that I’ve always been aware that I’m not, even though you weren’t.”
He rubs his temple. “This is kind of a mind fudge.” That he’s back to censoring his language is a good sign.
“It absolutely is. And I don’t expect you to be okay with it today, or tomorrow, or even next week. I understand that it’s going to take time to process this and that you might be angry, or hurt, or both. But please know that Jake and I never meant for this to happen, none of it. I didn’t want to put stress on your relationship with Queenie or my relationship with you.” Realistically, I’m aware that no matter what happens, whether I’m able to carry this baby full term or not, this will irrevocably shift things. I can only hope that Ryan and I can find our way through this and come out the other side stronger. Again.
“Are you and Jake going to be together?” I can’t read him right now to know whether or not that’s something he’s going to be okay with. And regardless, it’s a decision Jake and I will have to make, in time.
“I can’t answer that yet. We understand the layers and complexity of our very interconnected families aren’t simple to navigate.” What Jake and I were to each other before this has changed. We’re not just two adults enjoying each other’s company. Now we’re facing months of uncertainty and an even more complicated relationship. There are so many things to figure out, and all of it seems overwhelming. “What I can tell you is that if there are no complications, Jake and I will work together to make sure this child knows he or she is loved by both parents.”
He flips his hand and closes his fingers around mine, so my hand basically disappears inside his mitt. “Not gonna lie, this is going to make our already weird family that much weirder.”
“I know. I’m sorry about that.” And I am, more than he’ll ever know. “Aside from the whole over forty and pregnant thing, that’s definitely one of the first things I thought about when I found out.”
Ryan’s frown turns into a grimace. “I’m so sorry, Han. I’m being a selfish brat and thinking only about myself. This has to be scary for you. Do you need me to come back to Tennessee with you? What can I do to help?”
I squeeze his hand, aware that Ryan can sometimes course correct and go overboard by doting. “You’ve never been a selfish brat a day in your life. Your reaction is completely understandable, so please, Ryan, don’t beat yourself up for having feelings about thi
s that aren’t easy to deal with. I’m going to see my doctor as soon as I get home. I’ll have to have some tests to make sure the baby and I are healthy, and then we’ll make a plan from there.”
“Is Jake coming back with you then?”
“Once I have an ultrasound scheduled, he’ll come out.” Jake and I clearly have a lot to talk about. We need a clear picture of where we are with this pregnancy before we can have the more difficult discussions.
“Right. Okay. Do you really think you’ll stay in Tennessee, though?”
“Honestly, I don’t know, Ryan. My life is there, and with my history, I can’t start planning a move. It’s too early to know.” There’s security and stability in Tennessee, and the thought of giving that up with so many unknowns is unnerving. And with this pregnancy I want to be a little selfish.
I can see the worry in his eyes. “I know this is something you always wanted, to have another baby. I really hope this time you get to do that.”
“Me, too.” I want to believe he’s okay with this, but it feels like I’ve opened Pandora’s box, and we’ve just scratched the surface of what’s inside.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
More Questions Than Answers
Jake
QUEENIE STARES AT the closed door for a few seconds before she slips her arm through mine and guides me to her car. I glance back at the house more than once. I’m not sure what I expect. King to come bursting out of the door like the Hulk?
“They’ll be fine,” she tells me as she unlocks the door and gets into the car.
“Yeah.” I just don’t want any big decisions being made without me. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard King swear before.”
“Oh, he swears. Not often, but he does.” Queenie smirks for a second before she schools her expression. “They need time to talk. Their relationship is more complicated than most, and King can’t handle being lied to. So even though that wasn’t what you were doing intentionally, he perceives it differently and is more sensitive to it than would be reasonable for anyone else.”
I know this about King, and until today I thought I understood it and him. “I get that he’s not happy about the situation, but I hope he’s a lot more subdued with Hanna than he was with me.”
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