“Don’t worry. He’ll calm down. He needs to talk to Hanna without an audience.” She gives my arm a squeeze, and a wide grin spreads across her face as she turns the engine over and shifts the car into gear. “How are you feeling about all of this? Are you excited?”
I run a hand through my hair. “I don’t know. There’s a lot that we need to figure out. And she hasn’t even seen the doctor yet. A lot could happen in the next few months.”
“Are you two going to be a couple now?” She’s practically vibrating with excitement, which I wish I could share more of. “I mean, eventually Hanna will move out here, right?”
“I don’t know about that.”
Queenie’s face falls, like it did back at the house. “But how will you raise the baby together if one of you doesn’t move?”
“Neither of us expected this to happen, so it’s one step at a time. The risks are a lot higher at her age.” Even if everything goes smoothly, there’s the whole figuring out a co-parenting plan.
The possibility that Hanna will want to stay in Tennessee and do it all on her own doesn’t sit well with me. Not because I don’t think she’s capable, but I’ve been there before. Even with help, it’s not easy. I don’t want to force her into moving, but in an ideal world, she’d relocate here and we’d be able to raise this kid together.
And maybe it won’t have to be a co-parenting only scenario if that happens. Having an actual partner, someone to lean on, to trade off with in the middle of the night, being a family in the true sense is something I wanted for Queenie but could never give her. If I can do better this time, that would be great.
Queenie makes a right, and I have to assume we’re heading to the local diner for a greasy brunch. “Well, I think the two of you would make a great couple.”
“You do?”
“Seriously?” She gives me a look that matches the word. “I called it from the first time you met.”
“You did?” I feel a tad clueless at the moment. It’s almost like Queenie could see this coming. Although maybe not the baby part of the equation.
“Well, yeah. You two were smitten from the start.”
“I wouldn’t say I was smitten.” I remember very vividly the first time I met Hanna. King’s entire family had come down to see him play, and they had brought along his ex-girlfriend as a surprise. I’d been sure I’d have to trade King at the end of the season. But that only lasted a couple of hours. Until he showed up at the house, looking for Queenie.
The next morning, I found his phone sitting on the front seat of his car—the window was rolled down—and I’d decided to bring it to the main house rather than knock on the door to the pool house, where Queenie was living. I wanted to respect her privacy and not see things I couldn’t unsee. Like the strawberry milkshake rash.
On my way inside, Hanna had called. I already knew about their unique family situation.
What I hadn’t known was how beautiful Hanna was. Or nice. And fun. And sexy.
“You were totally smitten. The two of you stared at each other like you’d just found the secret to all of life’s mysteries when you introduced yourselves. It would have been awkward if it wasn’t so damn cute.”
“Okay, I draw the line at being called cute.”
“The way you were with each other was cute.”
She parks in the diner lot and we tuck ourselves into the corner booth. Queenie orders a milkshake and bacon and eggs, which seems like an odd combination, but it’s what she always gets.
“You’re really okay with this, aren’t you?” Queenie’s reaction is such a stark contrast to King’s explosive anger. Neither reaction was expected. I assumed Queenie would have a lot of questions, but I didn’t anticipate her excitement.
“Of course I am. Aren’t you?” Her brows pull together in a slight furrow.
“It would have been better if it were planned, and not a surprise. And I would have preferred if Hanna and I were in a different place in our relationship. And I was a few years younger.”
The server delivers her milkshake and my coffee. Queenie waits until we’re alone again before she responds. “You said yourself that you’ve spent a lot of time with her leading up to the wedding. You were friends to start with, and it evolved into more, right? Or at least that’s how it seems to me.”
I add cream and sugar to my coffee. “You’re not wrong. It did evolve from friendship to…more. But we both knew it couldn’t continue indefinitely. Besides, being friends and friendly with each other is a lot different than raising a baby together.”
Queenie laughs. “Oh my God, you are such an old man. You were hooking up. Just call it what it is.”
“Hooking up makes it sound like we met on one of those dating apps.” Which I’ve used a few times in the past. But with Hanna it wasn’t about scratching an itch. We connected.
“That’s what happened, though. You two figured out you had chemistry and acted on it. When did it change?”
“Do we really need to talk about this?” I don’t think this could get any more awkward than my daughter getting excited about me accidentally knocking up her momster-in-law.
“You’re having a baby together. Not talking about it isn’t really an option.”
I decide if there’s one person I can be completely honest with, and should be, it’s my daughter. “Your engagement party.”
“Oh my God! When Hanna stayed in the pool house instead of at our place?”
“That would be the time, yes.”
Queenie slaps my arm. “I knew she wasn’t sleeping in the pool house.” She props her chin on her clasped hands, elbows resting on the table. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because Hanna didn’t want what was going on between her and me to affect your wedding, or King. And telling you would have put you in an impossible position.” But I wonder now, how different things would have been if we’d been honest from the start instead of trying to hide what was happening.
“That’s a tough place for you to be in,” Queenie observes.
I nod my agreement. “I care about Hanna. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I did before.”
“How do you mean?”
I sip my coffee, thinking about Hanna’s reaction to her potentially moving here. “Pushing my own agenda, like I did with your mother.”
“How did you push your own agenda?” She shifts in her seat, shoulders tightening as they always do at the mention of Kimmie. She’s always been sensitive when it comes to her mom, which is understandable, all things considered.
“With Kimmie, I’d been determined to make things work. But we were so young. I thought I’d be able to have my career and take care of you and your mom financially. It was naïve.”
“You couldn’t have known she was going to take off on us.” Queenie pokes at her shake.
“No, but I could have listened to her concerns instead of telling her everything was going to be fine.” Because at that age, I thought it would be. I was going to be making millions a year. But I didn’t take into consideration what it would look like for Kimmie. Basically, raising a kid alone while I traveled all over the world. Queenie had taken over my whole world as soon as she came into it, and it hadn’t left a lot of room for Kimmie.
“But this time you know what you’re up against, and you and Hanna like each other. And you’ll have King and me to help out,” Queenie points out.
“I know. And that’s good, but there are other things I need to take into account. Hanna and I both have careers and lives that are very separate from each other. My instinct is to do what I do at the negotiating table, but I’m not making a trade, and there are a lot of people I care about involved here.” I flip my spoon between my fingers, recognizing the truth and weight in that statement. “I might want Hanna to move here, but there’s selfishness in that, because she’ll have to give up her entire life and basically start over again. And considering her history and how things played out with King . . . I want to be careful. I want to do
the right thing. I want to support Hanna and the decisions she makes; I want a role in my child’s life, and I want you and King to know that we never intended to go behind your back on any of this.”
“We know that. Or at least I know that. I could kind of see the direction things were going with you and Hanna, and I think King did, too, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. Don’t worry, Dad, it’s all going to work out. I can feel it.” She pats my hand and smiles. “Now let’s look at baby names!”
I hope she’s right. But I can’t get the look on King’s face out of my head, or how adamant Hanna was that her life is in Tennessee.
If that doesn’t change, then how exactly was all of this going to work without someone getting hurt?
_______________
QUEENIE AND I spend two hours at the diner. She likes Rex and Jax and Hudson for boys’ names, and Belle, Cinder, and Ella for girls. I go along with her because it’s easier that way. And she’s excited, which alleviates some of my anxiety, but creates other worries, like how preemptive is this, and what happens if Hanna loses this baby? And what happens if she has it?
I need to work on getting over the challenges of potentially being a brand-new dad again at my age. I have a routine that’s been the same for a long time, and this is going to change that drastically. I’ll have to travel less, and I might have to adjust my responsibilities for the team. My job has been my life for a lot of years, and babies take time and energy away from that.
I need Queenie’s positivity right now. And I’m optimistic it will rub off on King.
Queenie and I head back to her house. I’m hopeful that I’ll still be able to drive Hanna to the airport. We could use the time to talk. And for me to get a better sense of where King is emotionally.
He seems to be much calmer when we return.
“I’m sorry about how I reacted earlier. I don’t have the right to speak to you that way, and I wouldn’t accept it if someone spoke to Queenie that way either,” I tell King while Hanna packs up her things.
He grabs the edge of the counter, his jaw working. “Hanna’s been through a lot, not just with me, but the last time this happened…it was hard on her. And asking her to upend her life when you don’t even know what this is going to look like, or what you are to each other, isn’t fair.”
“I understand.” Or at least I’m beginning to. “I don’t want to push Hanna to make any decisions, not right away. We still have a lot to talk about and figure out.” I take a deep breath. “And just so you understand where I’m coming from, Queenie’s mom tried to fight for partial custody for the wrong reasons. I know that’s not the case here, but it’s hard not to revert back to that way of thinking, which I recognize isn’t fair to Hanna.” I’ll never forget the hurt and heartbreak I felt at the thought that my daughter might be taken away from me.
“I’m always going to want what’s best for her,” King says.
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
Hanna appears at the edge of the kitchen, her suitcase rolling behind her. “We should probably head to the airport.”
“Do you want me to drive you?” King asks.
“I think it would probably be a good idea for Jake to take me this time,” Hanna says softly.
“Right. Yeah. Of course.” King doesn’t seem all that excited about that, but he doesn’t put up a fight either. Things are definitely tense as I load Hanna’s suitcase into my car while they say their goodbyes.
Queenie whispers that she’ll call me later.
Even with traffic, King’s house is only about half an hour from the airport, so on a Sunday afternoon it takes considerably less time.
I turn the radio down so it’s barely a hum in the background. “How are you?”
“It’s been one heck of a weekend.” Hanna’s hands are clasped in her lap and she looks tired.
It’s not really an answer. “King seemed better. I’m sorry about how I reacted, it was out of line.”
“We’re all a little emotional and reactive. I’m sensitive to Ryan’s feelings and how he perceives all of this. Particularly the fact we kept what was going on between us from him.”
“I get that, and my concern is making sure this isn’t causing you unnecessary stress, especially with everything you’ve told me this weekend.” This is going to be a difficult new line to walk with Kingston as one of my players, my son-in-law, and now this added layer. I’m definitely going to need to talk to Alex about how I should approach this moving forward, and what I can reasonably get involved with where King is concerned.
“Ryan doesn’t like conflict, so he’s pretty direct about things, but I also know that he’s worried about me, because of everything I’ve already been through. I can’t be sure that he won’t mask his feelings to protect me.”
“What about you? Are you masking your feelings to protect him?”
“Maybe. It’s hard to know how I should feel. I’m scared because my age makes this risky, and the fact this wasn’t planned or expected, but I’d given up on the possibility I could have this. I want to be excited, but so much could go wrong, and has in the past.” She taps her lips. “I know this probably isn’t something you thought you’d be contending with at this point in your life.”
“My head’s still spinning, but I get that you want this, Hanna, and I support that. As long as this baby isn’t putting your health at risk.” I pull into short-term parking and find a spot, shifting the car into park so I can give her my attention. “I’m going to be honest, I think we’ll need to figure out what co-parenting is going to look like. I get that maybe now it’s a little early to make decisions, but one of us is going to have to move eventually.”
“I can’t make any kind of plan until after I’ve seen my doctor and I have a better idea of what’s happening.” She places a hand over her still-flat belly. “Aside from Ryan, my primary support system is in Tennessee, and so are my job and my life.”
“But it’s my baby, too, which sort of changes the order of importance, don’t you think?” I don’t know how to tread this line with her, I realize.
Hanna rubs the space between her eyes. “I don’t want to leave on an argument, Jake. When I was a teenager, I lost all my friends and my entire life when I had Ryan. I’ve spent three decades forming relationships and friendships in Tennessee. You can’t ask me to give all of that up. Not right now and maybe not ever.”
I need to dial it down a bit. This isn’t just about what I want, or what I think is best. We’re going to have to make decisions together, and steam rolling Hanna into them isn’t going to work, even if I want it to. “I know you’ve made sacrifices, big ones. But I have, too. I gave up my career for my daughter, and while I wouldn’t change how I dealt with raising Queenie, it would be hard to do it again.” I implore her to understand. “All I want is to be an active part of this child’s life. I don’t want to be relegated to half the holidays and a weekend every month.”
“I’m sorry, Jake. I don’t think I truly understood what that looked like for you. And I appreciate you wanting to figure things out, but this is all so new. I think we both need some time to process.”
I reach across the center console and put my hand over hers, wanting to smooth things over for her sake as much as mine. We’re both bringing baggage to the table. The kind we’re going to need to unpack. And it’s not going to happen today. “I realize we still have a lot to talk about, but I want you to know that I’m with you on this. We’re in this together.”
“I don’t know how to do this with a partner,” she admits, her eyes soft and worried. “The last time I went through this, it ended badly and so did my relationship.”
“We have that in common, the last part anyway.” Although we have similar experiences, there are just as many differences. I want to protect Hanna from more loss, but set boundaries for myself, too. We both gave up a lot last time around, so I’m hoping this time we can find a better balance with each other. “We’ll get through this.”
I get out of the car and get her bag and I walk her as far as security.
I open my arms, a silent request for a hug. She grins and steps into me. “I’m sorry I’m so stubborn in my old age,” I murmur.
“I think we both are. It makes for fun times in the bedroom, but challenges outside of it since neither of us wants to give an inch.”
We both chuckle. There’s so much truth to that.
When we part, she leans in and kisses me on the cheek, her lips close to the corner of my mouth. “I’ll send you a message when I land.”
“Have a safe flight.”
She grabs her bag and walks through the security gate, looking over her shoulder once and waving before she disappears around the corner.
This distance is going to be hard.
But I’m going to have to learn how to live with it if I want this to work.
And I realize I do. More than I thought possible.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Permission to be Excited Granted
Hanna
THE FLIGHT HOME is much different from the flight to Seattle. My nerves over seeing Jake have been replaced with a million new fears that compound each other.
It’s far too late to call Paxton when I land, and, of course, I’ve been vague in my texts about how the weekend went. We need a face-to-face for this conversation. I need my best friend and her perspective.
I take my phone off airplane mode as we head toward the gate to deplane. I have several messages from Jake. It’s hard to keep a clear head with him, and up until now the most difficult conversations we’ve had revolved around wedding planning. This is life-altering, and while I appreciate that he wants to be involved, I cannot and will not let him, or anyone else, tell me what I have to do and when. Talking about moving right now is pointless. I need to see my doctor before I can make decisions about anything. I’m also acutely aware of how uncertain the next several weeks are going to be.
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