A KISS FOR A KISS

by Hunting, Helena

  “If you were doing this alone, I’d say that makes sense. But you also need to take into consideration that he’s going to have a father who will very much be in the picture, and who makes millions of dollars a year. He’s one of the highest paid GMs in the league. I think it’s safe to say you don’t need to worry too much about socking away money for his education.”

  “Maybe not, but I don’t want the financial side of things to fall solely on Jake. And what if I’m raising him here, on my own? I’ll need to be able to support myself, even if he’s helping support JJ.”

  “We’re going to come back to that point in a minute.” Paxton crosses her legs and props her elbows on her knees. “First, let me ask you this: are you really willing to only take three months off after you have this baby since that’s what your company will give you?”

  I keep dunking my tea bag into the cup. It’s chamomile. I need caffeine like I need a hole in the head. I’ve thought about this a lot over the past few weeks. Thought about it and pushed it to the back of my mind because I had other things that needed my attention more. “No. Three months isn’t enough.”

  She nods, clearly agreeing with me. “How much time do you think will be enough?”

  “I don’t know.” I can see where she’s going with this. This is what I’ve been avoiding these past few weeks, not letting myself see all the ramifications this pregnancy will have. Now I understand why Jake was concerned by all the changes our lives will go through and why it took him a while to wrap his head around it. I skipped that step, wanting to focus on a healthy pregnancy. “I want to be there for all the things I missed with Ryan.” First smile, rolling over, sitting up, crawling, and first word.

  She closes her eyes and tips her head back for a second, taking a deep breath. When she meets my gaze again, she gives me a sad smile. “Okay, Han, we have three decades of friendship, and I’m not going to start bullshitting you now. I know if I’ve been thinking about this, there’s no way you haven’t.” She reaches out and takes my hand. “You didn’t get to be a mom the first time around. Even if Jake wasn’t in the picture, three months will never be enough for you. Hell, you’d sell your house and move into an apartment if it meant you could spend the next two years raising this baby full-time. Even when you and Gordon were together, you planned to take at least the first six months. It might be time to reassess. Maybe you don’t need the promotion. Not right now, anyway. Maybe you put it off for a few years, or indefinitely.”

  “But I’m on my own.” I swallow down the anxiety that comes with this discussion. All things I know I need to deal with but haven’t yet.

  “But you don’t have to be,” she says gently.

  “Jake and I just started dating. We’re not even close to the merging-our-lives stage.”

  “And you probably won’t be if you stay here and he stays in Seattle. But what is that going to look like in the long term? He raised Queenie on his own. How happy do you think he’ll be trying to part-time parent from across the country? How happy will you be?”

  I drag my hand down my face. These are the things that keep me up at night. The thoughts I keep pushing aside because I don’t want to face the truth. Maybe I’m more like my mother than I realized. “Not very.”

  “I think maybe the promotion is masking the bigger issue, which is you really looking at the whole picture. I know what you’re scared of, Hanna, and I’m not saying you need to make this decision tomorrow, or that you should, but you need to consider what the future looks like after this baby is born. So you’re going into this with eyes wide open.”

  “I’m afraid to start planning beyond doctor’s appointments because of what happened the last time,” I tell her.

  “I know. And I empathize completely. Your fears are legitimate. But you can’t keep doing that when the decisions you make now will affect your future. You’re past the first trimester hurdle, which is a big deal. I know there are more genetic tests coming up, and those are scary, too. But I think you need to figure out the point where you feel safe, and then you need to start making decisions with Jake, as a team.”

  “Maybe after the amniocentesis and the second trimester blood tests?” It’s framed more as a question than a statement.

  “If that’s what it takes to make you feel safe, okay. But you and I both know you were half in love with him for months, so I’m not sure putting it on hold for a few more weeks really makes sense.”

  “I guess I want some kind of control over some part of this, and Tennessee and the people here are currently the only consistent, stable thing I have to hold onto.”

  “It’s hard when you’re at the mercy of your own body. But setting up roadblocks is only going to make your relationship with Jake that much more of a challenge.” She props her cheek on her fist and sighs. “I haven’t forgotten how sad you were after the wedding. Maybe you didn’t want to admit you were heartbroken, but I could see it.”

  “I wanted to do the right thing.”

  “Ryan is an adult. And sure, this might be hard for him to come to terms with, but what if you and Jake are right for each other? You’ll never know if you’ve got one foot in and one foot out. From what I’ve seen, he’s the type of man who would sideline himself because he doesn’t want to take this baby away from you. He already knows what you’ve been through with Ryan. He’s seen how hard it’s been. And so have I. Hell, it’s why you ended up in Tennessee in the first place.” Her voice is soft and it cracks at the end.

  “My whole life is here,” I say meekly. It’s really the only thing I have left to hold onto. And she’s right. Jake will one hundred percent step back, even if he doesn’t want to. For me. And doesn’t that tell me everything I need to know?

  “None of us are going anywhere. And your past might be here, but I think you and I both know your future is waiting for you in Seattle. You’ll never know if it’s supposed to work out by staying here.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Big Steps

  Hanna

  THE NEXT DAY I call Jake—on video chat—and tell him what happened, including the trip to urgent care and how things went with my parents. Before I can tell him that I’m considering making the move to Seattle, he gently suggests that we need to talk about our future living situation.

  His concern is clear on his face and in his voice. “Can I fly out so we can talk about this in person?”

  “If you think you need to, but I agree that it’s something we need to discuss.”

  “I’ve been looking into options close to Tennessee, but there aren’t any GM positions that aren’t still a flight away, which defeats the purpose. I’m willing to take a lower-level position if I have to, though,” he says.

  “Oh, wow.” I’m not sure why I’m surprised to hear this. “I figured I’d move to Seattle.”

  “I don’t want you to be the one giving up everything. It was selfish to assume you’d want to move here.”

  “It doesn’t make a lot of sense for you to take a lower-level position, though. And you’ve already given up one career, I don’t think it’s fair that you’d have to give up another one.”

  He’s quiet for a few seconds before he says, “Let me book a flight. I can take a couple of days off and we can figure it out together. This is a big decision, and I don’t want it all to fall on you. And honestly, I need to see you. In three dimensions. So I know you’re okay. I don’t love that you’re this far away and I can’t be there when you need me.”

  _______________

  HE ARRIVES THAT evening, and the second he’s in the door I find myself wrapped up in his arms. I don’t expect him to be as emotional as he is. Or the searing kiss he lays on me that makes my knees weak.

  “That felt like the longest flight I’ve ever been on.” He cups my face in his hands. “If I need to, I’ll take a leave of absence from the league.”

  “Can you do that? Is that best for the team?” I can’t see an abrupt change in upper management being easy.

  “I
t’s not about what’s best for the team, Hanna. It’s about what’s best for us. I don’t think I can live in a state of anxiety like this for the foreseeable future.” His honesty is shocking, and frankly sobering.

  So we sit down and talk it out. What the pros and cons are if he takes a leave of absence, or moves to another team, versus me moving to Seattle.

  “My firm has a branch in Seattle, and I could apply for a transfer?”

  “What about your promotion? Would that carry over?” Jake is sitting on the other end of the couch, my feet in his lap.

  “It really depends on if they’re looking for a branch manager or not.” I trace the heart at my throat. “I looked into it when Ryan first found out he was my son, thinking it might be a good move for our relationship.”

  “I didn’t realize that.”

  “I didn’t tell him. And then he started dating Queenie. I didn’t think it made sense for me to move there when his career can be so fluid and he was starting a new relationship.” I hadn’t wanted to interfere, and we’d seemed to have found a new balance.

  “Do you want to talk to your boss, see what’s possible?” Jake asks.

  “I think it’s a good idea. Maybe we can start setting things up? Regardless, me moving to Seattle makes the most sense.” After my discussion with Paxton, I realized I was holding onto staying here and the idea of the promotion as a layer of protection. A just in case something bad happens at least I’ll have this. But I don’t want to live my life and make decisions in case something bad happens. Bad things happen all the time and I cannot live in fear. And I want to be closer to Jake so we can work on our relationship, and I want to be closer to Ryan and Queenie, even if it means leaving Tennessee.

  “Even if the promotion isn’t on the table in Seattle?”

  I prop my cheek on my fist. “Honestly, Pax and I talked about this last night, and I think the promotion needs to be put on hold regardless. I’m not saying I won’t want to revisit it in the future, but I need to focus on what’s important, and this baby takes priority over everything.”

  “What about your support network here? I don’t want to take that away from you when you’ll need it the most.”

  It’s clear Jake has been thinking this through, trying to see it from all sides. And it gives me confidence that the choice I’m making is the right one. “I’m trading one support network for another. I’ll have you, and Ryan and Queenie, and the other wives to rely on. My parents can come visit whenever they want, and so can Pax.” Although leaving her behind will be hard.

  And so it’s decided. I’m going to meet with my boss, and once I’m past the twenty-week mark, the plan is for me to move to Seattle.

  It turns out I need the five weeks to get everything set up. I meet with my boss, and after two meetings, we agree that instead of me transferring to the Seattle office, I’ll work remotely, because she doesn’t want to let me go or transfer the accounts I’ve been managing for a lot of years. When needed, I can go into the Seattle office.

  My entire life has shifted course, and my personal and professional goals have changed along with it.

  While I could move in with Jake, I want to give our relationship more room to grow, without the pressure of living together. Instead, I rent a small house that’s less than five minutes from Jake.

  And when I reach twenty weeks, I’m that much closer to being able to breathe a little easier, knowing in just four weeks I’ll have reached the point the baby can survive if he’s born earlier than expected. The second round of tests, including the amniocentesis, come back negative for chromosomal abnormalities, and my blood pressure is under control again. My doctor has referred me to a maternal fetal medicine doctor in Seattle, so I know I’ll be well taken care for the remainder of my pregnancy.

  Everything seems to be falling into place.

  Apart from how my parents are handling this move.

  To say they aren’t happy about me going to Seattle would be a huge understatement but staying in Tennessee isn’t what’s best for the baby or me, and it’s definitely not what’s best for Jake. My mother keeps trying to find reasons for me to stay, fretting more than usual. As frustrated as I am, I don’t want to leave with things unsettled between us.

  The week before I’m scheduled to move, I invite her over so we can have a come-to-Jesus talk and I can explain why this is what’s best. Usually I’d make the twenty-minute trip to their place, but I want this to happen on my turf, not hers.

  She stands on the front porch, holding a Tupperware container of my favorite cookies, looking nervous and uncertain.

  “Come on in, you’ll have to excuse the mess.”

  “Oh! Are you doing this all yourself? I would have come to help if I’d known.” She surveys the endless piles of boxes lining the walls. They’re carefully labeled and organized based on room.

  “I hired movers who also do most of the packing,” I explain and take the Tupperware from her. The truck is scheduled to be here tomorrow to pick everything up, and I’m staying with Pax for a few days before I head to Seattle.

  “Isn’t that expensive?”

  “It’s a reasonable expense considering the short timeline and my current circumstances.” I pat my belly. I’m past the it-looks-like-I’m-bloated stage. There’s an obvious bump now that can’t be hidden, even with loose shirts and leggings.

  “Of course. That’s a good idea. If you need any help, though, you know I’m here. I should have made you a casserole or something. I’m sure cooking is a challenge with most of your kitchen packed up.”

  “Jake’s been sending me prepared meals, so I’m pretty good foodwise, but I’ll never say no to your chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.”

  “He’s not sending you the ones from the grocery freezer section, is he? Those are loaded with salt.” My mother has never, ever bought prepared meals from the freezer section.

  “No, Mom. He’s been ordering them from a food prep service called Chef’s Own. You can either prepare the meals entirely ahead of time or they send you the ingredients and you put them together on your own. He’s been having them prepared for me, though, to make it easy.”

  “Oh. Well. That’s very thoughtful of him.”

  “He is thoughtful like that.” I motion toward the sliding door. “I just made a pot of tea. Can I pour you a cup and we can sit on the back deck? It’s the least cluttered space in the house right now.”

  “That would be nice.”

  I pour us both a steaming mug and Mom brings the cookies outside.

  She looks nervous, probably because she’s worried I’m going to lay into her again.

  The thing about looking at your childhood through an adult lens is that you can see all the sides of the situations you were in, but they’re tainted by the emotions and perception of those events based on the age when they happened.

  When I was a teenager, I was inexperienced and scared. I wanted to keep Ryan in my life, so my parents made a sacrifice right along with me. They gave up their friends and their careers and moved us to a new state so we could have a fresh start. It wasn’t a perfect scenario, and I’ll never truly know my mother’s motivations, but they did what they believed was right. I don’t know that they truly thought through the ramifications, or considered the potential fallout, but we all made it out the other side in one piece. And Ryan was loved and cared for, which was what I’d wanted, most of all.

  And I couldn’t fault them for that. I could not like some of their decisions, I could do my best never to repeat it with my own child, but burying my parents in guilt and blame wasn’t going to make any of it better.

  “I didn’t realize how angry you were at me about the way Ryan was raised.” She fidgets with her napkin, having trouble focusing on anything else.

  “I’m not angry at you, Mom. I know you did what you thought was right. At the time, it seemed right to me, too. And I appreciate everything you and Dad did for Ryan and me.”

  “I don’t want you to resent me for i
t. I wanted what was best for you. For our family. For Ryan’s future,” she tells me, for what has to be the millionth time.

  Our relationship will always be complicated. There’s no way around that. “I know that, too.”

  “Knowing and believing are two different things.” Her voice is soft and her eyes are too-full glasses, ready to spill over.

  “I believe you had all of our best interests in mind. And I also know you had to give up a lot in order to make it work. We all did. Especially me. I don’t think I understood how much that affected me until Ryan got married, and then I got pregnant.” I’m only doing more damage to our relationship if I can’t tell her the truth. “The part that was always the hardest for me was the fact you would never acknowledge that Ryan is truly my son and your grandson. I could pretend to be his sister all I wanted, but in my heart I knew who I really was, and I was never allowed to own that. The lying didn’t just hurt Ryan, it hurt me, too.”

  “Oh, sweetheart.” She keeps twisting the napkin in her hands, turning it into confetti. “I made an even bigger mess when I tried to clean up the first one, didn’t I?”

  “Your heart was in the right place, but things are so much different now.” It’s hard to see my mom looking so devastated, but we both need this, or things will never change. “He and I need a chance to figure out this new us, without worrying we’re hurting your feelings. Especially now that I have another baby on the way.”

  “Is that why you’re moving to Seattle then? For Ryan? I’m worried about this baby and about you being so far from home. And how this is all going to work out. Your life and your family are here. In Tennessee.”

  “Part of my life is here. But a very big part of it is in Seattle. And I need to make some compromises, because Jake has to stay in Seattle for his job.”

  “But he could manage a different team. He could move to Tennessee instead.”