by Emma Louise
“Food first. Then you talk,” Poppy says to me as she hands me the bag of delicious smelling tacos. “And we’ll need an extra place setting.” She nods toward the table that I already have set for four people.
“Why? Who else is coming?” I ask, a ball of unease forming in my belly. There's only one possible person that Poppy would have invited. The very last person I need to be around right now.
“Look who I found outside!” Rina calls out as she walks into the kitchen. Behind her is a very nervous-looking Breeze.
Oh fuck.
After the dramatic showdown Asa and I had at the wedding, we’ve only had minimal contact. I've texted him with the date of my first doctor’s appointment, and he replied with a curt ‘I'll be there,’ There's been no discussion on where we will go from there. No plans on what or when to tell people. It’s not like we’re going to be able to keep it hidden, not if he plans to play an active role like he said he would. I plan to talk to him about it more in person at the doctor’s appointment that’s coming up soon.
“Hey, guys,” Breeze says, not moving from her place near the door. She gives us an awkward wave. Seeing her unease makes me feel like crap. I'm the reason she’s so uncomfortable here. It's not like I've ever gone out of my way to be her friend, not because I don’t like her. It’s the opposite. She’s such a nice, sweet person, and I’m the evil sort of ex-girlfriend who came on to her man. Even if that wasn’t really my intention, that’s how it must have looked to everyone else. Embarrassment at my actions has kept me from making any effort to befriend her. At work, we’re always polite, but I've managed to keep a distance between us.
I won’t be able to do that in the future. Not when she’s going to be my baby’s aunt. My stomach twists at that realization. If she’s my kid’s aunt, that makes TJ its uncle. If Breeze doesn’t already hate me, she will for sure when she learns about this whole fucked up situation.
I feel all eyes on me as my friends wait for me to react. Pushing down my unease, I paste a bright smile on my face. We’re going to have a bond tethering us together forever. It’s time to start building bridges between us.
“Hey, girl. Get in here and get a marg before Elliott drinks the whole jug again.”
“Jeez. You let your hair down and have one too many, one time, and you guys still won’t let me live that down.” Elliott huffs, rolling her eyes at me. It’s the perfect ice-breaker, making us all laugh at her. As the tension seeps out of the room, we go back to what we were doing.
A short time later, we’re all full of fantastic Mexican food, and the girls are on their second pitcher of margaritas. Since I've been offering to make them, nobody seems to have noticed that I’ve come back in to the room with a glass already poured, and I’ve yet to refill it at the table.
“Keir was telling me that your class sign-ups have gone through the roof,” Poppy says to Rina after we’ve cleared away the mess and settled on my two over-stuffed sectionals.
“It’s been crazy.” She sighs. “I’d love to offer them more often, but my schedule is insane these days.” Rina offers pole dancing lessons at Flex, and they’ve ended up being crazy popular. I’m always begging her to let me increase her classes.
“You work at Fuzzy Holes?” Breeze asks excitedly. “My brother—”
Shit, shit, shit. This can’t happen like this. Rina has no idea that the man she knows as Lucas is Bree’s brother. I have no idea why it didn’t occur to me that this might come up tonight. Breeze turning up unexpectedly has thrown me for a loop.
I do the only thing I can think of to stop this conversation from going any further. Pushing my chair back quickly, I not so accidentally knock my knee on the edge of the table. The full pitcher lurches to the side, and there is a collective gasp as we all jump, trying to get out of the way. It might make me a bitch, but I’m thrilled when it finally topples over, and the contents splash all over Rina.
“Oh my god! Let’s get you something dry to change into,” I practically yell, wrapping my hand around her arm and dragging Rina toward my bedroom.
“Girl, it’s all good. It hardly touched me,” she tries to tell me, but I ignore her.
“Don’t be silly!” I yell, sounding borderline hysterical even to my own ears. Once we get to my room, I push her inside. Turning to shut the door, I see Poppy, Elliott, and Breeze are all staring at me in stunned silence. OK, maybe I didn’t finesse that as much as I thought I did.
“What on earth was that?”
“You can’t tell her about Lucas,” I blurt. “You can’t tell her what we did. You can’t.” Desperation takes over, causing the words to tumble out in one long breath.
“I don’t understand—”
“He’s her brother!” I cut her off, knowing I don’t have long before it starts looking weird that we’re in here. “Lucas is actually Asa Lucas. She is Breeze Lucas. Or, at least, she used to be, but whatever. You can’t tell her I had a sex marathon with her brother!” I whisper yell, watching as my friend’s face fills with understanding.
“Holy shit.” She breathes out a stunned breath. “You mean to tell me that you had a fling with your ex’s new brother-in-law? His wife’s brother?”
“I think so. What you said is too complicated to follow. You make it sound so sleazy.” I whimper, hating that. I had no idea who he was, and I meant it when I told him that I never would have approached him if I’d known.
“You know shit like that doesn’t stay buried, right?”
She has no idea just how right she is. My eyes squeeze closed as I’m yet again slammed with a reminder of how fucked up this situation is.
“I’m pregnant,” I whisper, only opening my eyes once the words are out and the silence becomes too heavy to bear.
Rina stands there, frozen in place with her mouth hanging open in shock, eyes bugged out.
“I was going to tell you all tonight, but how can I now? Bree is going to hate me even more than she already does.” I groan, sinking down to my bed in despair.
“I’m sorry, girl. I have zero advice for you right now. You got yourself into one hell of a mess this time.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
ASA
Looking at the clock on my dashboard, I wait for another minute to tick past. 2:58 pm. I should get out of the car and go inside. But fuck if I know how to be around Lucy right now.
I’m still so angry. Angry at her attitude and how she thinks of me. Angry that she’s pregnant. Most of all, I'm angry at myself. I’ve not handled this whole situation well, and that doesn’t sit right with me.
So why am I sitting in my car outside the doctor’s office instead of going inside? I’m leaving it until the last possible minute to go in there because I'm obviously spineless.
When the clock finally shows 3pm, I get out and make my way inside. The waiting room is almost empty, so I find Lucy right away. There are just a few women in various stages of pregnancy seated around the room. She’s looking down at her phone, and at first glance she looks relaxed, but I can tell by the way her leg bounces relentlessly that she’s nervous.
As if she’s looking for me, she looks up and turns toward the door. The relief that fills her pretty face is another prickle of guilt for me.
“You made it.” She smiles hesitantly.
“I said I would,” I grunt as I move toward her, taking a seat but leaving an empty chair between us. Lucy shifts nervously in her seat when she notices. It makes me look like a childish prick, but right now I can’t seem to stop myself.
“I already went back and did some of the stuff they needed me to do, but I haven't seen the doctor yet,” she babbles, obviously trying to take some of the unnecessary tension out of the moment.
“Miss Phillips?” A nurse stands at the edge of the waiting room, a clipboard in hand. Lucy stands, and I realize that’s her name. The woman is pregnant with my kid, and I don’t even know her full name.
We follow the nurse into a small room, and she tells us the doctor will be in shortly befo
re she leaves us alone.
“So—”
“How have you been?” We both speak at the same time.
“I’m good,” she tells me softly. “I’ve been a little tired, but the morning sickness seems to be gone at last. Yay!” She lifts both arms in a mock cheer.
Shit. She’s fucking cute. Her attitude is surprising to me. We didn’t leave things on good terms when she left my house the night she told me about the baby. I take responsibility for that. It was too big of a bomb for me to deal with. But that’s no excuse for how I’ve behaved since. Not checking up on her these last two weeks was a shitty thing to do. As much as I hate to do it, she deserves an apology.
“Look, I should—”
I’m interrupted as the doctor enters the room. He introduces himself and starts asking Lucy a bunch of questions that sound like a foreign language to me.
“So, you sound like you’re around eleven or twelve weeks along. We’ll confirm that with an ultrasound if you want to go get ready,” he tells us, standing to move toward the bed that’s set up in the corner, Lucy following behind him.
I’m not sure what’s going on, so I hang back, not wanting to be in the way. Once Lucy is on the bed, she lifts the bottom of her shirt and lowers the waist of her black stretchy pants. I can’t pull my eyes off the creamy skin of her belly.
I’ve had my hands and mouth all over every inch of her, but something about her letting me be here, seeing her in a moment of vulnerability, seems so much more intimate. I’ve seen more than my share of women exposing skin, but none of them were doing it for this reason. So that we could see the child we created together.
“Alright, I’m going to dim the lights a little so we can get a good look at the little one,” the doc says as he squirts something all over the skin Lucy just uncovered. A second later he flicks a few switches, and the lights go out. It’s not dark, but I can’t see Lucy’s face clearly anymore. The light from the small screen near her head is not enough to show her features.
Is she scared? Because I’m fucking terrified. The doctor presses something that looks like a wide microphone against Lucy’s belly. My entire body locks. That looks like it could be hurting her. The doc doesn’t look away from the screen. He doesn’t speak for long moments, and the silence stretches on for longer than feels necessary.
“What’s wrong?” her voice cracks as she asks the question. The fear is evident. The broken sound unglues my feet from the floor, and I’m by her side in just a few strides. Without thought, I grab her hand and give a squeeze, trying to tell her everything is going to be alright.
“Everything looks absolutely perfect in there,” the doctor finally speaks, seemingly unaware of the scare he’s just given us.
“Mom and Dad, say hello to your baby.” He shifts the screen toward us. The grainy image on the screen means nothing to me, but I feel the way Lucy tenses. Her long nails dig into my flesh.
“Oh my god. It's really a baby.” She breathes.
“It sure is.” The doctor chuckles. “There are it’s legs, and along here is the spine. And that’s the head right there.”
I see it. The shape still looks like a little bean, but there’s no mistaking the tiny arms and legs. The outline of a face. My baby has a face.
It’s my turn to tense, squeezing Lucy’s hand hard.
“And that right there is a healthy, strong heartbeat,” Dr. Brookes says, and my eyes move to the flickering blip on the screen. A barrage of emotions hit me all at once.
There’s a god honest baby growing inside Lucy right now, and it was me who put it there. The indifference I had up until now fades and is replaced with an undeniable swell of what I can only describe as love. I’m going to be someone’s dad. The earth tilts under my feet at the realization.
Dr. Brookes spends some time pointing out a few more things to us and confirming that Lucy is just shy of twelve weeks pregnant. Then he tells Lucy she can get cleaned up.
Lucy’s hand squeezes mine, reminding me that we’re still connected. Looking up, I see her eyes are trained on where we’re connected too. I should let go, I don’t want the lines to get crossed, but there’s something about this moment that makes me want to hold on a little longer. Dr. Brookes offers Lucy a paper towel so she can get cleaned up. Letting her go, I reach out and take ahold of it instead. I don’t know why I do it, but it feels natural, so I don’t stop myself from gently wiping the gel off her belly. She doesn’t stop me, but I don’t miss the way her body locks. Ignoring it, I clean her up anyway. Once she’s cleaned and covered, the doc hands us a strip of printed pictures. I watch as Lucy immediately rips them in half and offers me some of them.
I don’t take my eyes off them as we leave the office. I don’t stop looking at them as I stand there, waiting for Lucy to schedule her next appointment.
I might have known Lucy was pregnant for the last two weeks, but until this moment, it didn’t really occurr to me what that actually meant. The realization of what’s to come in the near future hits me like a ton of bricks.
“Well, that was crazy,” Lucy says, snapping me out of my thoughts. Looking up, I realize I’ve followed her out to the deserted car park, and we’re standing in front of her car.
“Crazy is putting it mildly,” I mutter.
“Do you maybe want to go get an early dinner or something?” The look of hope on her face causes my insides to twist. I’m still so angry at her, and I don’t know how to let go of that. It’s all too much. I’m sick of feeling like I’m on unsteady ground when I’m around her.
“We’re not doing that shit. This is what it is now. I’ll be friendly to you because that’s what is best, but you need to know here and now that’s all it will ever be.” The friendly smile on her face is replaced as irritation slides into place.
“I’m not asking you on a date,” she spits. “We have things to talk about.”
“And we have time to talk later,” I snap at her.
“That doesn’t work for me,” she snaps back, but I’m done with this whole thing. Turning on my boots, I leave her standing there alone in the parking lot.
Regret hits me before I even make it to my truck, and it takes everything in me not to lash out and punch something.
I can’t keep being a dick to her just because I need to keep some distance between us. I need to learn how to control these feeling she drags out of me, and I need to learn how to do that fast.
CHAPTER TWELVE
LUCY
“I can’t believe that jackass,” Rina growls into the phone. I’ve just finished telling her about my appointment and how much of a disaster it turned out to be.
“I thought we were finally getting somewhere, until I asked him to talk to me. Is this what it’s always going to be like? You’d think I’d asked him to fuck me right there in the parking lot with the way he reacted.” That hurt more than it should have. Asa has made it perfectly clear how he feels about me, but the look on his face when I suggested dinner stung. It was like he couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting opposite me for any length of time. It’s not like it’s my idea of a good time, but we have things we need to talk through. I can’t keep this from my friends much longer, and I still don’t know how he wants to tell his sister. Until we talk about it, I'm stuck in limbo, and I'm sick of it.
“I’m telling you, he better be glad he doesn’t work at Fuzzy’s anymore. Otherwise, I might be tempted to go shove my foot right up his ass. With my stripper heels on.”
“What? Since when doesn’t he work there?” I ask, and I'm not sure why, but I'm surprised by this.
“He’s always been there part-time, but I don’t think I’ve seen him here for a few weeks now. The guy who replaced him seems to be permanent,” she tells me. “Didn’t he tell you?”
“I told you, he barely speaks to me. The only time we’ve communicated was when I had to tell him about appointments.”
“You need to drop the nice-guy act. He needs to man up and talk to you. If not, you�
��re just going to have to tell everyone. Fuck the consequences. If he won’t act like a grown-up, then that’s on him.”
She makes it sound so easy. But I guess there’s some truth in her advice. I can’t let this go on any longer. I’d be hurt if I knew any of my girls were keeping something like this to themselves. My next doctor’s appointment is in a month, and I decide that’s how long I’ll give him to pull his head out of his ass. I still feel guilty over how things ended between us, and that’s the only reason I’ve kept our situation to myself.
If he can’t give me the decency of having a conversation like grown-ups, then he’s just going to have to learn to live with the consequences.
***
I must have pissed off the pregnancy gods by boasting about the morning sickness going away, because over the next few weeks it kicks my ass.
From the time I open my eyes in the morning, ’til the time I crawl into bed at an embarrassingly early time, I’m plagued by nausea.
The small mercy is that I’m not only sick in the mornings. The rest of the day there are unrelenting waves rolling in my belly. Anything and everything can set me off. I usually won’t know it’s a trigger until it’s too late, and I’m running for the bathroom.
I reached out to Dr. Brookes, and he offered to prescribe something, but it turns out I'm one of the unlucky few that it doesn’t work for. To say I’m feeling rough would be a gross understatement.
“You need to go home.”
Looking up from my computer, I see Keir standing just inside the door, concern etched onto his face.
“I’m good. I have to finish up the payroll,” I tell him, trying to act like I’m not battling the urge to sleep right here at my desk.
“You look like shit,” he announces.
“Well, isn’t that nice to hear?” I joke, but he doesn’t buy it. The downfall of my boss being one of my best friends is that he can see straight through my bullshit.