by Emma Louise
I should have learned by now never to hope. It’s pointless. I’m always left disappointed in the end.
Once I'm booked in for my next check-up, I make my way back to work. I took the day off, planning to spend it with Asa. The last time I spoke to him was yesterday afternoon. He was pissed at me for wanting to stay at my own apartment for once. I wanted to stay at his house, but I needed a break. My head has been a mess since overhearing Avalon saying those things about me. About us. Her words played on every insecurity I have. I’m not good enough for Asa, and I have no doubt he’ll leave me. Hell, if it wasn’t for the baby, he wouldn’t even be speaking to me. No, he’ll realize that he can still be a dad without keeping me around. He’ll leave me, because that’s what happens to me. Judging by his actions today, he’s already started pulling away. Maybe he doesn’t care as much as I let myself think he did.
I’ve been stupid to let it get this far already. I should have stayed away. Now that I know what it’s like to have him, giving him up is going to kill me.
I’m struggling to keep my emotions in check as I pull into my parking space at Flex. I need to keep it together until I’m safely in my office. I shouldn’t have come here at all, but the thought of being alone at home is worse. Keeping my head down, I rush downstairs to where my office is and hold my breath, praying that nobody sees me.
My luck is as shitty as always because I don’t even make it to my desk before I hear Elliott calling my name.
“What are you doing here? I thought you had an ultrasound today?”
“Oh hey,” I say breezily, trying to keep the smile on my face. “What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here?” Keir says, pushing his way into my office.
“That’s exactly what I asked, but she’s deflecting like usual,” Elliott huffs.
“I’m doing no such thing—”
“Who’s deflecting what?” TJ asks, joining the crowd of people in my office.
“Seriously?” I groan “I’m not deflecting anything!” I cry as Elliott and Keir both try to tell him I’m avoiding their questions.
“Why have you been crying?” Keir asks, studying my face intently.
“What’s everyone doing in here?” Poppy asks, squeezing into the last bit of space available. “Why are you crying?” she repeats her husband’s question.
“I’m not crying!” I yell, exasperated at everyone staring at me like I’m some kind of science experiment.
“Did it not go okay earlier? The ultrasound?” Elliott asks, concern thickening her voice. There’s a collective gasp as they all jump to the wrong conclusion.
“Everything is fine. The ultrasound was perfect,” I speak over them all.
“Why wasn’t I invited to the party?” Breeze laughs lightly from where she appears at the open doorway. At her arrival and my announcement, they all start talking at once, and I can hardly hear myself think over the noise. I love my friends, but this is too much. I came here to get some peace and quiet, for crying out loud. Instead of time to think about the mess that is my life, I'm being bombarded.
Burying my face into my hands, I smother the urge to scream. “Sweet cheeks.” The breathless voice speaking above the crowd causes my head to snap up. “Sweet cheeks, I’m sorry,” Asa repeats that stupid nickname that hurts to hear. His chest heaves up and down as he breathes frantically. The atmosphere turns arctic when everyone registers who’s joined us and what he’s just said.
“I’m so sorry,” he repeats as he pushes his way closer to me.
“Don’t,” I warn, putting my hand up to indicate he’s come close enough.
“I can explain,” he pleads.
“You could. But I lost interest in your explanations when you stood me up this morning without an explanation.” I feel every set of eyes swing my way, probably shocked at the acid that drips from my voice.
“Let’s just go home so we can talk, yeah?” His wide eyes are begging me to listen to what he’s saying.
“The time for talking was this morning,” I bite out once again, not willing to give him anything right now.
“What’s going on?” Breeze speaks up, breaking the stare down between Asa and me.
“Nothing is going on.” Asa tries to brush off his sister’s question.
“Doesn’t sound like nothing,” Keir adds, squaring his shoulders and looking like he’s ready for a fight.
“It isn’t any of your business,” Asa spits as he gets frustrated with the people around us.
“We’re her friends. If she’s upset, it’s definitely our business,” TJ interjects as he moves to stand in front of me. It’s the wrong move to make because Asa’s eyes narrow, and his knuckles turn white as his fists clench. He’s around the desk trying to get to me before I can even blink. TJ blocks him from getting too close, standing stock still like a sentry in front of me.
Asa goes toe-to-toe with TJ, fury tightening his features as he speaks. “You might be her friends,” he spits, “but I’m her family,” he grinds out through clenched teeth. I don’t want to be affected by his words and the vehemence with which they were delivered, but the warmth that blooms in me is undeniable.
“Alright, that’s enough!” Keir yells loudly when neither man looks like they’re going to back down anytime soon. “Everyone out!” There’s a collective grumble as some of them look like they don’t want to leave. Asa keeps staring TJ down when he doesn’t move away from me. It takes Breeze putting her hand on TJ’s chest to break them out of it.
“You sure you’re going to be okay?” Elliott asks, squeezing my hand gently.
“I’m fine,” I promise, even though it’s obvious I'm telling her a bare-faced lie.
“We’re here if you need us,” TJ tells me, dipping low to stare in my eyes before he turns to leave, grabbing Breeze by the hand as he does. Keir doesn’t say anything; he waits for Poppy to walk out before following. I can’t see it, but I’d bet he shoots a glare right at Asa before he closes the door.
The silence that follows is thick, neither of us seemingly know how to cut through the air of apprehension surrounding us.
I refuse to make the first move. He’s the one who fucked up.
“Did you go to the appointment? Is the baby okay?” he finally asks.
“Don’t you dare act like you care when you didn’t even bother to show up!”
“I didn’t even bother?” he repeats, his voice dangerously low as he stalks closer toward me. “You think I didn’t even try?”
“I don’t think. I know.” Squaring my shoulders, I step closer to Asa’s rigid frame. “I know because I sat and watched the damn door for almost an hour, waiting for you to show up!”
“My car got a flat,” he grits out, throwing his jacket onto my desk and slamming his hands down on his hips. “My spare had a nail in it.” He steps closer toward me. I have to fight the urge to take a step back as the anger rolls from him in waves. “I couldn’t find my damn phone even though I know I had it right before I left Ink.” The words ground out through gritted teeth. “I couldn’t get a cab, so I had to walk most of the way. By the time I got there, I’d missed you at the clinic.”
“You haven’t been at Ink all this time?” I ask, deflating as I hear the blunt honesty in Asa’s words.
“Are you fucking serious right now?”
“Well, I called, and Nancy said—” I
“I don’t give a shit what Nancy said!” he explodes. “I just missed seeing my child, something I’ve been waiting for weeks to see, and you think I did that on purpose?” The hurt I hear in his voice cuts through me. Why would I jump to the conclusion that he didn’t want to be there today?
“She said you were busy!” I say defensively. “What was I supposed to think?!”
“You were supposed to have a little more faith in me.” The disappointment in his words just about unravel me. “Get your shit. We’re going,” Asa adds before I can react to his earlier comment.
“What?” I ask dumbly,
my mind scrambling to keep up with everything that’s going on.
“You heard me. Get whatever shit you need, we're going home.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
ASA
My knuckles ache from how tight I’m gripping the steering wheel as I drive toward my house. This has to be the most painfully intense car ride I’ve ever been on, but I’m not ready to say anything that might put Lucy at ease. I’m pissed that she had such little faith in me.
I sound like a pussy, but she fucking hurt my feelings today. I thought we were in a good place. Sure, we had a shaky start and I accept the majority of the blame for that, but these last few weeks have been everything I never knew I wanted. I thought the relationship we’ve been building was strong. But looks like the joke’s been on me because she’s not on the same page at all.
Pulling the car into my driveway, I throw it in park and get out before Lucy can say anything. I might be angry, but I’m trying to not be a dick, so I walk around to help her out.
“Thank you,” she whispers, but she doesn’t look me in the eyes. Part of me gets twisted satisfaction that she’s uncomfortable right now.
“I’m so sorry I overreacted,” she says as soon as the door closes behind me. I don’t answer; instead, I grab her by the hand, drag her down the hallway and up the stairs, stopping when I get to the room opposite my bedroom.
Throwing the door open, I gesture for Lucy to walk in. She gasps softly, and I know she’s seeing the freshly decorated nursery I was up all-night finishing. The pale gray walls, white furniture, and the vintage rocking chair in the corner are identical to the ones I saw Lucy looking at online recently.
“Asa,” she gasps, turning to look at me. “When did you—”
“I wanna know why.” I cut her off mid-sentence, ignoring the look of surprise on her face.
“Why?”
“Why was your first reaction to think the worst of me? Why would you assume I would let you down?” Lucy flounders, her mouth opening and closing as she searches for the words she’s looking for. “What have I done to make you think like that?”
“I don’t know,” she finally says in a soft, confused whisper that just pisses me off even more.
“You don’t know? Come on. We both know that shit was on your mind for some reason. Why? And be honest.”
She stares up at me from the other side of the room where she’s frozen, her wide eyes imploring me to understand something. A multitude of emotions work their way across her face, and I have to hold myself back from going to comfort her when it looks like she’s about to cry.
“I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I thought today was it.” She shifts nervously from foot to foot. “Everyone leaves eventually. You already walked away from me once before, without so much as a backward glance. I convinced myself this was the beginning of the end.” She straightens her spine, like she’s bracing herself for whatever’s coming next. “I might have been rash in my reaction today, and I apologize for that, but maybe it’s best if we end this anyway. Save ourselves the hassle of it happening later.” Her words are cold and flat. Whatever emotion she was battling a minute ago has been successfully locked down tight once again.
“End this?” I’m surprised at how even my voice comes out, when in reality I want to fucking roar with frustration at how easily she’s giving in.
“I think it’s best.” She’s so full of shit. She thinks she’s fooling me with this tough guy act she’s putting on? Lucy has obviously underestimated how well I’ve gotten to know her.
“Next!” I yell, losing the handle I have on my patience.
“What?” Lucy asks, her face screwed up in confusion. If I wasn’t so pissed at her right now, I’d probably think she looks cute.
“Next,” I repeat. “Tell me the next bullshit reason you’ve convinced yourself why this won’t work out. Tell me you’re broken. Tell me you’re damaged.” Moving quickly, I get in her face, not giving her room to get away from me. Dropping my voice so I'm no longer shouting, I continue. “Newsflash, sweet cheeks. We’re all a little fucked up. You don’t get the monopoly on shitty childhoods.” Her response it not what I expect, and it almost knocks me on my ass.
“I heard Avalon,” she reveals, the pain-filled words flying from her quivering lips. As soon as she realizes she’s said it, her eyes fill with tears. The fight drains out of me as she keeps talking. “I heard what she said to you, and I can’t stop hearing it playing on repeat in the back of my mind. It's always there, on a constant loop,” she cries softly.
“Sweet cheeks.” I gather her close, wrapping my arms around her. She doesn’t fight it. She lets me press her face against my chest, and she stays there until her eyes are finally dry, but my shirt is soaked. Wrapping one hand around the back of her head and using the other to tilt her chin slightly, I stare in Lucy’s eyes. The pain I see reflected back at me is almost enough to bring me to my knees. “You heard me tell her that I don’t give a shit what she thinks, right?”
“I did.” She sniffs. “But I kept replaying it over and over. I thought if I was doing that, you might be too, and you’d start thinking she was right about me.”
I’m about to interrupt her, tell her that I couldn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks, but she reaches up and presses her fingers to my lips before I get a chance.
“She’s your sister, Asa.” Her voice cracks as yet more tears well in her puffy eyes.
“And you’re the mother of my child. Even if I thought Avalon meant any of that, which I guarantee she does not, she’ll be at home feeling crappy about it right now, I’d still choose you. I’ll always choose you. Both of you.”
Adorably confused eyes meet mine. “You do?”
“Always.” I need her to hear the honesty in my words. I can’t do this without her listening to me, without her believing me. I gently take ahold of her face when she tries to look away, cupping her jaw so I can keep her eyes on mine.
“It’s not that simple.” There’s no fight in her words, but there’s something inside of her that won’t let this last shard of glass around her heart shatter.
“Yeah?” I take a chance and press a soft kiss to her lips. “Well, it doesn’t have to be hard either.”
"Did you steal that line from a song?” She tries to hide it, but I see the relieved smile that wants to pull at the edge of her lips.
“I’m being serious. It might not always be easy, but I think it’s worth it anyway. You are worth it.”
“We’re worth it?” she replies without missing a beat.
“Damn right we are, sweet cheeks.”
“I’m sorry I went a little crazy. Again.”
“I’m going to prove to you that I want this, that I’m not going to give up on us again,” I vow, meaning every word of it. I’m going to make sure she knows that she’s it for me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
LUCY
I’m pulled out of a peaceful sleep by what feels like a small foot playing soccer with my bladder. As much as I love laying here, cocooned in Asa’s warm hold, I know that I need to get up. Trying my best to gently slide out from under his heavy arm, I almost make it to the edge of the bed when I’m pulled back against a hard chest.
“Where do you think you’re going?” His sleep-laced voice rasping against the skin of my neck causes a riot of goose bumps to break out.
“Your child is sitting on my bladder,” I tell him. At that, he lets me go, and judging by the light snores I hear almost immediately, he’s gone straight back to sleep.
Once I’ve finished in the bathroom, I make my way to the bed, taking a minute to enjoy the rare glimpse of Asa sleeping. It’s not very often that I see him like this. He’s on his stomach, arms stretched up and under the pillows. His beautiful face is turned toward me, the usually stern features relaxed in sleep, making him look younger.
Was I really going to walk away from him yesterday? My heart squeezes painfully at the thought of how stupid I almost was. I let my hur
t and disappointment rule my emotions, and the ridiculous part? The person that would have suffered most is me. It would have killed me to walk away from him.
I was ready to push this amazing man out of my life, causing both of us unnecessary pain, and I need to face up to the reasons why.
Less than thirty minutes later and I regret leaving Asa’s bed. Why am I here, about to face down the enemy instead of enjoying a few more hours in bed with Asa.
My fingers hover over the keys that are still sitting in the ignition. I could easily start the car, turn around and get the heck out of here, but the twitching of the blinds lets me know that I’m probably too late to escape. I’ve been spotted.
“Time to pull your big girl panties on, Lucy,” I mutter to myself as I finally find the courage to get out of the car. I expect Avalon to come storming out of the house ready to attack at any moment. The door stays firmly closed, even after I’ve rung the bell. Twice.
She knows I’m here, so this is obviously some kind of stupid power-play on her part. Screw her. I came here to make things right because I can’t stand the thought of Asa ever having to choose between me and his sister. He’s made it clear I have nothing to worry about, but I’m not willing to risk anything driving a wedge between us.
Raising my hand, I’m about to bang on the door when it’s swung open. Carl stands there, but his head is turned, looking over his shoulder at a frowning Avalon. Finally, he turns back to greet me. “Lucy, nice to see you again. Please, come in.” He steps back and swings out his arm, gesturing for me to come inside. Avalon just glowers at me as I walk inside, her arms folded over her chest and her pretty face set in a grim looking scowl.
“I’m heading out to work,” Carl declares, picking up a scuffed brown briefcase from the table. He stops to give his wife a kiss on her forehead, and I’m pretty sure he tells her to play nice under his breath before he leaves.
The echoing sound of the front door closing is the only sound for long, unbearable moments. She doesn’t invite me to sit, so we both stand here awkwardly as she glares at me. Looks like it’s up to me to get this started then.