The Roommate Arrangement

by Jae

  “Then why isn’t she calling us?”

  “Because she’s afraid you’ll say no…again.” Rae didn’t quite manage to keep the reproachful undertone from her voice, but she didn’t care.

  Diane was quiet for several seconds. “I didn’t know it was that important to her to have us there. Last time she asked, I had a conference to attend and told her I couldn’t make it. She shrugged and said we would have cramped her style anyway.”

  Jeez. For a therapist who had just pointed out Steph’s defense mechanisms, she was remarkably oblivious to them at times…or she hadn’t tried too hard to see through them because it was more convenient.

  “I know what you’re thinking.” Diane sighed. “And you’re probably right. If you text me the time and address, we’ll be there.”

  Rae exhaled. “Thank you.”

  “No, Rae. Thank you.”

  When they ended the call, Rae threw the phone onto the passenger seat and took a big sip of her coffee as if it were schnapps. Her capacity for human interaction was more than reached, and she hadn’t even made it to Kim’s yet. Groaning, she started the car.

  Rae’s stomach churned as she got out of the SUV and made her way toward Kim’s front door. The garden gnome Mike had put on the lawn as a joke was still there, as if Kim couldn’t bring herself to remove it.

  Kim swung open the door before Rae could ring the bell. “Hi.” She greeted Rae with a warm hug, then drew her into the house.

  Rae braced herself for the onslaught of memories being in Mike and Kim’s house always brought. Even though Kim had put some things away, every room still held reminders of Mike. Sometimes, she even imagined catching a whiff of Mike’s aftershave in the air. God, how could Kim stand to live here? Or was being surrounded by memories of Mike a comfort to her?

  Kim led her to the kitchen, where various bowls and platters were already lined up. “Mind if we eat in here, since it’s just the two of us?”

  “No, that’s fine.” More than fine, actually. At least then she wouldn’t have to think of last Christmas, when she and Mike had played tug-of-war over where to put up the Christmas tree in the living room. Did Kim even have a tree this year? “Anything I can help with?”

  “No, thanks. Dot did all the hard work yesterday. I just have to heat everything up.” Kim put a dish into the microwave. “She and Gordon send their best.”

  “Tell them ‘hi’ from me next time you talk to them.”

  “You could call them yourself,” Kim said quietly. “They’d love to hear from you.”

  Rae put her present down on the counter so she had an excuse to turn her back to Kim. “I will give them a call sometime.” Just not anytime soon. Her head already felt close to exploding with all the new things she had to process.

  Thankfully, Kim let it go and didn’t pressure her to call Mike’s parents.

  Rae sat at the breakfast bar and watched Kim walk back and forth between the counter and the microwave. In a pair of light blue jeans and a short-sleeved, black turtleneck, Kim looked great. She seemed to be gaining back some of the weight she had lost.

  “What?” Kim asked as she took out the stuffing and put the gravy into the microwave.

  “Nothing. Just…you look good.”

  Kim turned and smiled at her. “Thanks. So do you.” She tilted her head and regarded Rae across the breakfast bar.

  Rae fidgeted beneath her perusal and slid from the stool. “Let me get that for you.” She carried the stuffing to the breakfast bar.

  Finally, they sat down to eat, and Rae dug in with gusto since she hadn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon.

  “What did you have for Christmas dinner?” Kim asked. “Turkey too?”

  Rae laughed. “Spaghetti with tomato sauce.”

  Kim lowered her forkful of roasted butternut squash back to her plate. “You had spaghetti for Christmas dinner? Sounds like Steph’s family is as unconventional as she is.”

  “Not really. There was a mix-up with the catering service they ordered from, so we ended up cooking, and the only thing in their pantry was spaghetti.”

  “But you still had a good time?”

  Rae thought of sitting in the grass with Steph…and nearly kissing her. “Yeah, I did.”

  “I can tell. Your eyes are sparkling.”

  “That’s because I saw my ocularist on Monday,” Rae said. Had that really been only three days ago? So much had happened since then. “He gave the eye a polish.”

  “Oh, did he polish the right one too?” Kim asked with a grin. “Because there’s a sparkle there too.”

  “Nonsense,” Rae muttered. “I don’t sparkle.”

  “Uh-huh. Come on, Rae. I’ve known you for twelve years. Something is different about you, and I think it’s the good kind of different. What is it?”

  Rae drew a pattern through the cranberry sauce on her plate, then put her fork down. Her appetite was gone.

  Kim set her cutlery down too. “Why won’t you tell me?”

  A groan bubbled up from deep in Rae’s chest. How could she tell Kim about that tentative kernel of happiness growing inside of her when Kim might be alone for the rest of her life?

  “Rae, please. Don’t shut me out.”

  The pain in Kim’s voice pierced Rae’s armor. “I don’t want to.” She reached across the breakfast bar and took Kim’s hand. It felt fragile against her broader palm. “It’s just… I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Hurt me?” Kim echoed. “How could your happiness hurt me?”

  Rae hung her head. “I…”

  Kim slid from her stool and dragged Rae into the living room, where she had indeed set up a Christmas tree. She pressed her down onto the couch and handed her a gift-wrapped present. “I think you need to open your present.”

  “Now? We haven’t finished eating.”

  “I don’t think either of us would have eaten another bite anyway.”

  Rae lowered her gaze to the gift on her lap. A heavy weight settled in the pit of her stomach. Almost afraid of what she would find, she fumbled with the tape until the gift wrap finally fell away, revealing a beautiful wooden picture frame. When she turned it around, she discovered that it already held a photo.

  At the sight of it, all air rushed from Rae’s lungs as if she’d been punched.

  The picture showed the three of them—Mike, Kim, and her—arms around each other, with Kim in the middle. It had been taken on Kim’s birthday, a couple of weeks before the shooting. Rae and Mike were in uniform. Mike’s mother, Dot, had snapped the photo just before they had headed out to work. All three of them were laughing at something, without a clue that this would be the last photo they ever took together.

  Rae’s thumb swiped over the faces beneath the glass. She didn’t look away from the picture even as Kim sat next to her. Maybe it was for the best that Kim had settled down to her left. At least that way, Rae didn’t need to see the grief on her face when she regarded the photo.

  But when Kim touched a trembling finger to the glass, it wasn’t Mike’s features she traced. It was Rae’s. “This,” she said, her voice raw. “This is the Rae I want to see. If something happened to get you there, why would you think it would hurt me?”

  “Because…because Mike…”

  Kim took the picture from her tight grasp and gently set it down on the coffee table before taking Rae’s hand with both of hers. “Don’t you think he’d want you to be happy?”

  “He’d want to be here with us…with you. And I messed that up.” She bunched her fist into the comforter next to her. Steph’s voice, warm and firm, echoed through her mind. It wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault but that guy with the shotgun. “At least I think I did,” she added.

  Kim gripped her hand more tightly. “What? Why would you think that?”

  “Because I walked into that situation wit
hout backup.”

  “Mike was your backup, and you were his.”

  Rae hunched her shoulders. “Yeah, but…”

  “I watched the video,” Kim said quietly.

  Shock zapped through Rae. She whipped her head around to stare at Kim. “You…you watched it?” She hadn’t been able to watch the recording from their squad car’s camera.

  “I had to. I kept thinking he’d walk through the door and greet me with that grin of his. I needed to see.” On the last word, Kim’s voice broke.

  Rae wrapped both arms around her in a sheltering embrace. When Kim pressed her head to Rae’s shoulder, Rae leaned her cheek against her and whispered, “I’m so, so sorry.”

  Kim grasped her almost painfully tight. “That’s just it, Rae. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” She pulled back and looked at her. Tears glittered in her eyes. “Nothing.”

  “But I should have—”

  “Done what? Stayed in the car until that asshole drove off with the waitress, doing God knows what to her? You think Mike would have let that happen any more than you did?” Kim fiercely shook her head. “Shot him, even though he had already lowered his weapon? What should you have done, Rae?”

  “I…I don’t know. Something. Anything.”

  “You were shot. You came this close to dying.” Kim held up her shaking hand, thumb and index finger half of an inch apart. “You had a shotgun pellet in your eye and were bleeding profusely. I don’t know how you even managed to stay conscious. But you didn’t even try to stop the bleeding or get help for yourself. Your entire focus was on Mike.”

  “I tried to save him.” Rae hung her head, unable to look her in the eyes. “I tried, but…I failed.”

  Kim took her face in both hands. With unexpected strength, she guided her head up until Rae had to look at her. “You didn’t fail. No one could have saved him. I had to accept that, and so do you. None of it was your fault. Nobody ever thought that. Not Dot, not Gordon, and not me.”

  “I do…did.” Part of her still couldn’t help thinking it, even after both Steph and Kim had reassured her that she hadn’t done anything wrong.

  “Oh Rae.” Kim lightly shook Rae’s head, which she still held between her hands. “You’ve got to let it go, or it’ll eat you up inside. Mike wouldn’t want that. He would kick your ass if he were here now.”

  A tired smile crept onto Rae’s face. “I know. I…I’ll try.”

  “Good.” Kim stroked her cheek, then let go and gave her shoulder a friendly nudge. “Now tell me what put that sparkle in your eye…and don’t pretend it was the ocularist.”

  Rae hesitated only for a second longer. Deep down, she was bursting to tell someone about this unexpected turn her life had taken. “Steph.” Saying her name made her lips want to curl up into a smile. “It was Steph.”

  Kim stared at her. “Wait, you mean, she and you…? Didn’t you just tell me on Monday that you weren’t a couple?”

  “We weren’t. This…us… It just happened yesterday. You were right. She did sneak up on me.”

  A smile spread over Kim’s face until she was beaming in a way Rae hadn’t seen in months. “That’s great. I’m so happy for you.”

  Rae held up her hand. “We’re not ready to buy monogrammed towels or anything. Just dating for now. Steph hasn’t been in a relationship before, so we’re taking it slow.”

  “You mean, with a woman?”

  “With anyone.” Rae tried to sound unconcerned. “She only had casual hookups so far.”

  A wrinkle formed between Kim’s brows. “But that’s not what…?”

  “No.”

  “Good,” Kim said firmly. “Because you deserve to have it all. The real deal.”

  Rae leaned forward and studied the photo on the table, the way Mike and Kim had their arms wrapped around each other. “When you and Mike first started dating, how did you know that things would work out between the two of you?”

  Kim snorted. “I didn’t. I questioned my sanity for agreeing to go out with him.”

  Rae’s mouth gaped open. “What? Why?” As far as she was concerned, they had been the perfect couple.

  “Because he was such a player back then.” Kim shook her head with a fond smile. “That man could charm the panties off any woman without even trying.”

  “Mike? Our Mike?”

  “Oh yeah. Just ask any of the guys who knew him in the academy. They could tell you some wild stories.”

  Rae swiped her hand through her hair. “I had no idea. All he ever talked about was you.”

  A sad smile darted across Kim’s face. “Are you worried things might not work out the same way for you and Steph?”

  “No.”

  Kim poked her in the ribs.

  “Okay, yeah, maybe a little. Steph’s so…independent. She doesn’t need me. Not the way Lise did. What if she gets bored with me or decides a relationship would get in the way of her comedy career?”

  “Then I’ll hunt her down and give her hell,” Kim said with her most intimidating expression—which, admittedly, wasn’t very intimidating at all.

  Rae burst out laughing. God, she’d needed that.

  “But seriously, Rae. If being a dating consultant has taught me one thing it’s that a successful relationship isn’t about needing someone.”

  “It’s not?”

  Kim shook her head. “It’s about wanting someone. About choosing someone over everything else—not because you can’t live without them, but because you don’t ever want to.”

  That made sense. Kind of. Rae scratched her head. “Huh. Why does everyone else seem to know so much about relationships and how they work, while I feel like a totally clueless beginner, even though I was in one for fifteen years?”

  “Because you never had to work at it,” Kim told her. “You and Lise fell into it when you were…what?”

  “Seventeen.”

  “Jeez, you were a baby.”

  “Was not,” Rae grumbled.

  Kim waved her protest away. “Seriously, I hope this works out for you. Please don’t ever hesitate to come to me for advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just to let me know that you’re deliriously happy, okay?”

  Rae released a jittery breath. “Okay.”

  Kim got up from the couch. “Now tell me: Does Steph like sandwiches?”

  Thank God. The emotional part of this conversation seemed to be over. She could talk about sandwiches. “She loves them. Why?”

  “Because we’ve got a ton of leftover turkey, and I don’t think we should warm it up again, or it’ll become dry.” She pulled Rae up from the sofa. “Come on, let’s go make some sandwiches.”

  With one last glance at the photo on the coffee table, Rae followed her back to the kitchen.

  CHAPTER 22

  This was turning out to be one of the shittiest days of Steph’s life. Except for how the day had begun, of course. Waking up in Rae’s arms had been surprisingly nice, but everything had gone downhill from there.

  First, she had chickened out on asking Rae to join her at the open mic. She had assumed that Rae got enough comedy at work, so she wouldn’t want to listen to more of it on her night off, especially not the amateurs and weirdos at an open mic. Rae hadn’t asked if she could come, and Steph had taken that as a confirmation, but now she wondered if Rae had been waiting for an invitation.

  Damn, this communication thing was hard. Just as hard as saying goodbye to Moose had been earlier today.

  And now, to top it all off, she was bombing badly. As soon as she took the mic from the guy who’d gone up before her, she blanked. She stared into the bored faces of the comics in the audience, and it took her a second to remember her opening joke.

  Jesus. When had that last happened to her?

  Finally, she remembered and delivered the joke. She even got a laugh from someone
at the bar, but she wasn’t sure if they laughed at the joke or at her weak delivery. What on earth was up with her? She stammered her way through a bit she’d done perfectly a hundred times before.

  Just when she finally found her rhythm, her five minutes were up and she had to surrender her spot on the stage.

  Warren, one of the comics she sometimes hung out with, formed a megaphone with his hands. “Boo! That was about as funny as a bad case of the clap, Steph!”

  “You’d know,” Steph shot back. She walked past him and slid back onto her barstool next to Penny.

  “What was that?” Penny raised her voice to be heard over the rambling of the guy who had the mic now. He wasn’t faring any better than Steph had, so the audience was booing.

  “Hell if I know.” Steph took a big swig of her beer and made a face. It had gone flat.

  Penny leaned closer. “I didn’t think you’d take Moose moving away so badly. I mean, I knew you’d be sad, but losing your focus up on stage? That’s not like you.”

  Steph put her arm on the bar and buried her face in the crook of her elbow. Moose wasn’t to blame. It had been mostly thoughts of Rae that had thrown off her focus. “I know.” She lifted her head. “I hope I’ll get it together before New Year’s Eve. This is my last chance to make it in stand-up, Penny. If I mess it up…”

  “You won’t,” Penny said. “This was just a fluke. You’ll be back to your usual hilarious self by then.”

  “Let’s hope so. You’re coming, right?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  A guy in his late twenties, who’d been waiting for his drink next to them, turned toward Steph. “Hey, you were just up on stage, weren’t you?”

  “Yep. Me and most of the people here.” As usual at open mics, the audience consisted mostly of comedians waiting to go up.

  “Yeah,” he said. “But unlike most of them, you were good.”

  “And you are full of shit.”

  He burst out laughing, his very white teeth flashing against his tan. “Well, you were good toward the end.” His gaze went from Steph to Penny and back. “What are you ladies drinking? Can I buy you another round?”