Discovering Normal

by Cynthia Henry

  “And we still weren’t happy.”

  “You weren’t happy, Beth.”

  “And you were? You liked the two extremes of silence or bickering?”

  “I was just living my life. I thought it was what we both wanted. One day you were miserable and you never tried to work through it.”

  Her dainty hand flew to her chest. “I never tried? I begged you to go to counseling, I begged you to work less--”

  Chris stood up in one swift move. “What the hell is this proving?”

  “We’re on the verge of a divorce and we’ve never discussed anything.”

  “You’re the one who ran away. You’re the one who found someone else.”

  She hopped up too. “I didn’t find someone else! He just sensed that I was unhappy and he listened to me, Chris.”

  “Yeah, he waited for twelve years to listen to you.”

  “At least he listened.”

  Chris looked at her there, his wife but someone else too; someone he loved, but knew for sure he could never please. He wanted her always, but would satisfy her never. “Just go, Beth.”

  He moved to the door, but she was right at his heels. She reached for his thick arm and maneuvered him to face her. “Please listen to me.” She touched her palms to his cheeks, the warmth radiating. “I’m not sure anymore. I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing. I’m not sure I’ve made the right choices. Help me decide.”

  They stood, poised and unsure. It would be so easy to touch her. To reach out and feel the sizzle he’d felt every time he’d pulled her close. But hadn’t they proven that there had to be more than smoldering attraction? Hadn’t they proven that life was lived in the quiet spots--the oatmeal in the morning, the crackling fire at night? If they could’ve stayed hovering in that wild frenzy of intrigue, they may have made it, her and him; because Elizabeth Williams and Christopher Stoddard soared when there was danger and espionage at foot.

  It was the mundane every day that they’d ultimately had trouble with.

  He shook his head and tried to say no, but she was there, approaching; covering his mouth with hers and offering silky kisses. Everything in him cried out for sanity and control, but his attraction to her was all too powerful. He felt the strength of his hands gripping at her back. She met it though and didn’t seem to mind as she folded against him and teased his tongue with hers.

  His mind spun as he dove, but he forced away the madness. It reminded him of the victim he’d been just a short time ago and the victim he still was here in Beth’s web. Because he had to move, had to be the man somehow, he steered her to the wall and pinned her there. Her body hit the dull, gold-colored grass paper wall with a thud, but she didn’t pause for even an instant as she heated up her kiss and her hands lunged to peel off his sport coat. He shifted and let it fall as she fervently untucked his shirt and didn’t stop until she’d reached his taut skin.

  “Oh, Chris,” she moaned against his mouth and it was a damn aphrodisiac.

  He kissed her neck that he knew so well, the hollow at the base that he loved. He moved on to tug her loose tee shirt and hoist it over her head. They lurched at the same instant to press their naked chests to the other.

  His need was overwhelming, heavy and real. She still sighed his name, tugged his hair, nipped his lips.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” she moaned and he had to believe it even if it was just for this one instant. “You’re what I want--what I’ve always wanted,” she whispered. “I want to come home, to be a family again. I want more babies--”

  And he couldn’t listen anymore. He had to still her. He had to stop the lies that would reveal themselves too quickly once the passion died. Chris reached down, freed himself and wrenched at her flimsy flannel pants. She stopped her words and found his eyes with hers, questioning but wanting so badly.

  He penetrated and she gasped and shuddered, before settling around him, welcoming him home. “I love you,” she moaned as her eyes slipped closed and she was lost in the cushy world of what could’ve been.

  He lifted her leg and wrapped it around his waist until she balanced against the wall on one precarious foot. He thrust like a crazed man, but there was no room for tenderness in the huge holes of his heart. She let go a wicked tremor that thrilled him from within as she emitted a sigh that wafted through the air before she fell still aside from her soft stroking of his hair.

  He wasn’t done yet, wasn’t finished with his journey through her so she’d never ever forget that he’d passed. It was long thrusts later before he cried out what he hoped wasn’t love and detonated deep in the only spot he’d ever truly desired.

  As soon as it was over, the reality of his error crashed. Chris pulled out and zipped up before Beth had even opened her eyes.

  “I meant it,” she said then and he turned to see her still suspended and nude and so completely aware.

  “Meant what?” He bent to pick up his sport coat from the floor.

  “That I love you and I want to come home.”

  Chris flopped across the bed, covered his eyes with his arm and wished he could grab onto the sleep that hovered. He heard her rustling, getting dressed he assumed.

  “Did you hear me?” she asked in a voice so soft he almost didn’t.

  Chris sat up and reached for the phone. He punched in the desk and waited two rings for a prissy sounding woman to say hello. “I’m in room three twelve. My neighbor a few doors down is locked out. She’s in…” he turned to Beth standing dressed and disheveled just feet away.

  “Three eighteen,” she muttered.

  “Three eighteen. Could you send someone up with a key? Thanks.”

  Beth crossed her arms as Chris hung up the phone. “I guess that pretty much says it all,” she said in a soft voice.

  He didn’t hate her, he loved her. He loved her too much to ever risk having her lose faith in him again. That would kill him quicker than Bryan Holden’s evil torture ever could. Chris shook his head, hoisted up and ran his fingers through the sweaty waves of his hair.

  “I can’t do it again. I’m sorry, but I can’t. It’s over, Beth. I can’t sit at your feet like a panting puppy only to find a few months down the road that being a dog owner wasn’t everything you’d hoped it would be.”

  “You’re likening yourself to a dog?”

  “I’m likening myself to a guy who had no idea what happened the first time out of the gate. Maybe that sounds dumb or naïve or like I’m passing the buck, but it’s completely true. I was happy. Every day of those twelve years I was happy, until the day I realized you’d turned to George and I’d lost.”

  “I don’t love George.”

  “But not so long ago you assured me that you didn’t love me either.”

  Beth lowered her head and rubbed her nose in that sexy little way that she had. “I was confused.”

  “But I wasn’t and you have no idea what it feels like to hear those words, Beth.”

  She threw her hands to the sky and then let them fall. “Can’t you realize that I was disillusioned and confused and now I’m not anymore? Everything we’ve been through has changed me and made me realize that the only thing that matters is being with you and both of us being with Noah and Audrey.”

  It would be easy to believe her because he wanted to so damn bad, but he was a gritty forty-year-old now and he knew all too well that history had a way of rearing its ugly head again and again and again. The changes she needed from him would make him into someone else, and he couldn’t go through it all again when they both found that metamorphoses were hard to come by.

  Chris ran his fingers through his hair before he tried to speak. “I’m sorry it’s ending this way. I’ve always loved you; but let’s let it go now while we don’t hate each other. The scorecard is even and we both understand.”

  She just stood there, the moonlight from the terrace playing with her eyes. He recognized surprise when he saw it and she really was. Really was surprised that he hadn’t fallen to his knees i
n surrender.

  “Surely there must be something--”

  But he was shaking his head and she stopped. “There’s nothing, Beth. We flunked marriage one o’ one.”

  She let her head fall to her hands and her shoulders shook as they always did when there were silent tears. Chris pulled her to his chest, kissed her hair and tried to breathe in the lingering scent so he’d always remember.

  “We’ll be okay, Beth. I don’t know how I know, I just know. We’ll both be okay.”

  And then she wrapped her arms around him and made a choked sound for the first time in their shared history of tears.

  Chapter 29

  Chris grabbed Audrey’s hot pink long underwear and tucked it under his arm. He was getting pretty good at this juggling-the-laundry thing.

  “Hello!” he heard just as he reached the back stairs. He leaned back and saw Ramona peeking around the kitchen door.

  “Hi. The kids are outside.”

  Ramona pushed though the door. “I saw them. How did the night go?”

  Chris dropped the wet clothes on the step and kicked them to the side. “Not bad. I think they were asleep by three. I’m starting the second load of wet clothes for the day. Third will com off of them in a little while.”

  Ramona smiled and set a plate of cookies on the counter. “It was nice of you to take the boys.”

  “What’s two more ten-year-olds?”

  “Were they all right to Audrey?”

  “They did whack her with a pillow once so I put her in with me. She wasn’t going to make it all night in the living room tent anyway.”

  Ramona peered into the living room on the other side of the doorway. “If Beth could see her living room now.”

  “Not hers anymore,” Chris said and reached for a frosted cut-out star. “Anyway, she will see it. She’s due any time now to pick up the kids.”

  Ramona glanced down at the kitchen floor that probably could’ve been swept better. “I know. I spoke with her on New Year’s Day.”

  Chris crossed his arms. “I suppose you’re hoping to see her.”

  “I really miss her, Chris.”

  “I’m sure you do.”

  Ramona had never been shy. Her brassiness was such a stark contrast to Beth’s ever-present class and decorum. She hopped onto the kitchen counter.

  “Don’t you miss her?”

  Typical.

  Chris reached to grab the laundry but she wasn’t finished.

  “I know it’s none of my business and I know you’re my husband’s very best friend, but I need to say something to you. You don’t have to agree with me, you don’t even have to think about it, you just need to give me your complete attention while I’m giving you my opinion.”

  “Says who?”

  “Says me because you know I love you and Beth . If you never do another thing for me, please do this. You can hate me when it’s all said and done, but I don’t and won’t hate you. I just need you to listen.”

  “Ramona--”

  “Chris, we’ve been friends for a really long time. Please just listen to me.”

  Chris sighed a heavy sigh, dropped the pile of laundry and his feet and propped against the counter.

  “Thank you,” Ramona said and pulled out a chair. “Beth told me what happened in Washington.”

  “Of course she did.”

  “She told me that she asked to come home and you told her no.”

  He raised his eyes to the dusty ceiling fan and then back again. “Okay, it that’s what she said then I guess that’s what happened.”

  Ramona hiked a brow. “So that’s not what happened?”

  He felt the simmering of truly pissed. “Ramona, you can’t just start digging around inside or people’s marriages.”

  “I’m not digging! I just can see.”

  “See what?”

  “See that you both have wandered off course and don’t know hot to bring it back to shore.”

  “What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means, when Beth first decided that she was unhappy I tried talking her through it. I tried telling her that nothing is ever perfect and that everything worth saving has to be fought for. But we both know that Beth never had to fight for much. Aside from Jaelyn, her life had been relatively cushy. But that’s what happened, Chris…it got a little hard and then she got a lot discouraged.”

  “I know all of this, Ramona.”

  “Will you answer a question for me? Just an honest answer,” she asked with a tilt of her head.

  Chris ran his palms up and down the stubble on his cheeks. “What is it?”

  “Do you love her?”

  “Christ, Ramona!”

  “I know. I’m the annoying sitcom friend and/or neighbor, but just answer me, because I’m not so sure that you know the answer yourself.”

  “I know the goddamn answer!”

  “Then what is it? What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t at least attempt to help? I can’t live the rest of my life knowing that I didn’t even try. I’ve tried with her and now I need to try with you. Do you love her, Chris? Right now, right this second, do you love your wife?”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Maybe not, but what’s the answer?”

  “She’s the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

  “That’s still not an answer to the question.”

  Chris glanced out at the icy, clear day. New snow, new year, new life, He knew Ramona was just trying to be a friend, though it would be so much easier if she weren’t here, staring and waiting for an answer he didn’t want to give.

  “I can’t answer that.”

  “If you can’t answer me who you’ve known all these years, then how can you be so sure you’re doing the right thing?”

  She hopped down and grabbed his arms. “Don’t through away a life if there’s a thread of love there. I know she seems so hard to please but she’s really not. She just wants to be noticed by you--remembered. You can’t let go of what you’ve built and the children you’ve made just for some spite or determination to win some silent way. If you love her, and you know whether or not you do, then fight for her.”

  She let go of him then, reached for her keys and marched through the kitchen and continued on to the front door.

  ***

  Beth pulled into the familiar drive, heard the snow crackle beneath the tires and Sundance gleefully barking in the distance. She steered into what had always been her spot and killed the engine. The day was as blue as springtime, though the twenty degree weather and newly fallen snow pulled a doubter back to reality in a flash.

  The screen door flew open and Noah came bounding out and down the steps with Audrey behind him, struggling to keep up. Beth sucked in a breath and climbed out of the car. Only a second later Ramona appeared on the porch.

  Beth gathered her leaping children and gave them both a quick squeeze. “Oh golly I missed you guys! You’ve both grown a foot, I swear.”

  “It’s only been a week, Mom,” Noah said as he peeled away.

  “I know, but a week at Christmastime certainly equals a couple of months in normal time, doesn’t it?”

  “It does,” Ramona, who had reached Beth’s side, said and pulled her into a familiar hug. “You look terrific.”

  “And you do too. It’s been too long.”

  Audrey peeled herself from Beth’s leg and began spinning and then falling in repetitions. Noah trotted to the porch and came back with a small Remington rifle. “Dad got me this.”

  Beth raised her gloved hand to her mouth and tried not to blurt out that he had no right to do that without discussing it with her, because of course he did have a right. He was Noah’s father and if he was prepared to teach him all he needed to know, Noah was entitled to take one step on that journey to becoming a man.

  “You need to be safe, Noah.”

  “I know, Mom. It’s not loaded and I won’t ever keep it around Audrey.”

  Ramona gave Beth’
s shoulder a knowing jostle.

  “Okay, then.” Beth looked around the grounds, covered in glistening snow like a Currier and Ives print. She heard the sounds she knew so well, smelled the smell of winter. The last time she’d stood here, she’d thought Chris was dead; but he’d proved them all wrong. So many things had proved themselves wrong since the day she’d packed up her kids and convictions, determined to leave this life behind and build another.

  “Where is Dad?” she asked Noah as he stroked the shining barrel of the gun.

  “Inside. We went cross-country skiing this morning. He put some stuff in the washer.”

  Things change.

  “Mom!” Noah said and Beth realized she’d been daydreaming.

  “Yes.”

  “Can we stay ‘til it gets dark?”

  She touched his hair, her little boy who didn’t want to go but knew he had to. “I really don’t like driving in the dark, Noah.”

  He looked down and scuffed a tiny mound of snow.

  “We need to get going, honey. The drive’s long and we need to be home by Sunday so you can get back to school. I let you miss the first few days after break, remember?”

  “Yeah, I remember.” Noah dashed away and Audrey did her best to keep up with him.

  Ramona slid a comforting arm around Beth’s shoulder. “How are you really?”

  Beth covered her palm. “I’m okay. I’m just so tired of ripping all of our lives apart over and over and over again.” She glanced at Ramona’s familiar face so near her own. “Do you realize that calm is gone from my life? Just the normal, everyday calm is gone. It’ll always be about arranging the kids, leaving them for weeks and knowing they miss Chris when I have them.”

  They paused near Ramona’s car and Beth sucked in a blast of icy air.

  “Have you considered moving back to the area? The town houses they just put up near the village green are really nice, Beth. You’d at least be back near friends; the kids would have both you and Chris in the same general area.”

  “I have thought about it.” Beth looked up at the sky so blue and cold above her. “Maybe when this book thing is more settled. Maybe in the spring I’ll be able to decide.”