Nobody Puts a Fool in a Corner: A Science Fiction Comedy (These Foolish Things Book 3)

by J Battle

  The other five did the same.

  Frank held the cylinder up before him and it went zumm, and suddenly became a metre long sword of light. The other five did the same.

  ‘Oh my,’ I said.

  ‘I thought you’d be impressed, Philip.’

  ‘But they’re Lightsabres!’

  ‘Not exactly, Philip. They are enhanced matter disruptors. The light only serves as an aid to the human user; it seems that, without the light, it is hard for you to visualise the location of the weapon’s disruptor field.’

  ‘Well, they zumm like a Lightsabre.’

  ‘It’s entirely not necessary for the disruptors to make that noise. It was requested by the team; they seem to like it for some reason.’

  ‘Can I have one?’

  As we spoke, the team danced around each other, lunging forward and skipping back, each one watching the eyes of their opponent. Their movements, both in defense and attack, were quick and sure. It was obvious that they had spent a lot of time with the weapons.

  ‘A great deal of skill is required to use the disruptors safely, Philip.’

  No persuasive argument sprang to my lips, and anyway, watching the team as they swung their weapons about made me think that it would be better for all involved if I was kept away from such dangerous devices.

  Melinda broke off from her dance of death with Frank and walked towards me.

  ‘Here, Idiot-boy,’ she said with a sneer,’ let’s see how you handle yourself, shall we?’

  She handed me a disruptor.

  I weighed it carefully in my hand. Halfway along its length were two buttons; one red and one green.

  ‘Don’t touch the red one.’ Like I needed to be told that.

  ‘We’ll try it with them off,‘ said Bride of Chucky, smiling in a most disturbing way.

  ‘Alright…’

  She hit me in the stomach with the end of her disruptor.

  As I folded over and headed towards the floor, I thought, that’s not fair; I wasn’t ready.

  She leapt onto me as I fell, and struck me several more times before I stopped falling, then she jumped right back off me and watched me trying not to cry.

  ‘That was…’ I said, after an embarrassingly long time, ’a good attack.’

  Melinda was looking at the rest of the group with her hands held up as if to say ‘see what I mean?’

  I groaned myself back to my feet and tried not to notice the scowls of the rest of the team as they studied the mess of inadequacy before them.

  Then I took a deep breath, and I did something quite stupid.

  I looked Bride of Chucky straight in the eye and I said, in a remarkably calm voice, ’is that all you’ve got?’

  Her reaction was remarkably quick, and suitably devastating.

  When she let me fall again, I decided that the floor was nice and safe and that I might stay there for a while; at least until she calmed down, or grew a new personality.

  ‘She really doesn’t like you, does she Philip?’

  ‘I think she feels threatened.’

  ‘The threat seems to be one way only, as far as I can see.’

  ‘Has she gone yet?’

  ‘It’s time, Philip. Do you remember everything you’ve been told?’

  ‘It was only half an hour ago! What was it again?’

  ‘I think you know, Philip. But remember, the team is a diversion. You are the most important part of the mission.’

  ‘Maybe that’s why Bride of Chucky hates me.’

  We all lined up to enter the squirtbooth, with me at the back of course.

  ‘How are we getting there, anyway?’ I asked. ‘Now that LOrd is in charge of all the military stuff?’

  ‘Don’t worry about that, Philip. You’ll soon be meeting an old friend.’

  Old friend? I thought. Who could that be? I thought. Oh no! I thought. It can’t be. I thought. She wouldn’t. I thought.

  ‘Tell me now, Neville, or I’m going down the pub to drink to the end of the world as we know it. Is it Millie?’

  ‘Now, Philip, do you really want to spoil the surprise?’

  ‘A surprise is when someone throws you a party you weren’t expecting, or buys you a nice cream cake out of the blue. Any surprise that she would come up with would be more like a shock.’

  ‘In that case, Philip, and because now they are all waiting for you, it is not Millie.’

  ‘Right, that’s OK then. Who is it, anyway?’

  I was inside the squirtbooth by then. Neville didn’t answer my question. Either because he didn’t want to spoil the surprise, or because he didn’t think that I was quite tense enough, what with squirting off to a dangerous mission to save the world with a team of trained killers who hate my guts, and would probably be happy to see them spread across the ground in a nice gory pattern.

  (As you can see, Phil is beginning to ramble a little here, so, in the interest of a tight narrative progression, we’re going to skip a bit here and move to a point not overshadowed by Phil’s interminable internal wranglings with himself and Neville. Just thinking of your best interests, of course. I will admit that Phil fatigue has set in already, so I’m also thinking of myself. Thank you for your time. Your friendly neighbourhood Narrative Facilitator.)

  We arrived in a round room that was immediately familiar to me.

  I smiled at my companions, until I noticed that Clarke was standing a little closer to me than the size of the room required.

  I took a step to the left; he did the same.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I hissed.

  ‘I drew the short straw. It my job to keep you alive,’ he said. He sort of smiled at the same time, but it didn’t seem like a friendly smile. It was more of a you-don’t-know-what-I-know sort of smile.

  ‘Shall we sit?’ I asked, by way of getting a grip on the situation.

  The team looked around and then back as me as if I was indeed Idiot-boy.

  I smiled back at them, and then I sort of half-squatted, and an uncomfortable, but still impressive, stool was extruded from the deck.

  ‘How…’ Bride of Chucky looked like she was going to hit me again.

  ‘Hello there, Phil. And your little friends. It is so nice to see you again, and back on board my ship.’

  ‘Hello, Ing, it’s nice to finally get a ride on your ship.’

  I stood up and took one of his big hands in my mine and gave it a bit of a shake. We’d worked closely on the Waterworld mission and, apart from the brief time when he tried to kill me, he was my favourite of all the aliens I’d met.

  ‘Please introduce me to all your little friends.’

  I’d looked around for a friend, or even a friendly face, and Clarke’s smile didn’t count.

  ‘Oh, they’re just my support team, and, to be honest, I never bothered to learn their names.’

  ‘That is not very polite of you, Phil, if you don’t mind me saying. No matter how menial their roles might be, it is important that you get to know them.’

  Melinda stepped up then, and saluted Ing.

  ‘Greetings, I am the leader of this team, and we thank you for your support in this matter.’

  She stood upright to her full height and snapped the words out staccato fashion.

  The team followed suit, and it was interesting to see the order they went in; Frank came next, then Regina, Dave, Jim and Clarke. For some reason that was beginning to disturb me, Clarke never took his eyes off me the whole time.

  ‘Right, good ladies and gentlemen, if you would like to take a seat, we shall be off on our journey. It will take us only a short time to reach our destination. When we reach a suitable squirt distance from the planetoid, I shall return.’

  He turned then and left the room, with his big body, big head, and short little legs.

  ‘Take a seat, why don’t you?’ I said, justifiably self-satisfied that the deck had recognized me.

  Melinda snarled and squatted, and was immediately presented with what looked like a very
comfy chair, with a nice side table and a standard lamp.

  Regina got a leather-bound chaise longue, with a bamboo screen decorated with oriental writing, and the other three all got matching leather recliners and a wide screen TV.

  Suddenly I was a little less pleased with my stool, which wasn’t at all easy to sit on, because it slanted a little, and there were bumps where you don’t really want bumps.

  Chapter 16 Then, the day-job

  With Phil gone and Sam nowhere to be seen, it was left to Julie to take on the actual work of the newly revived business and find out where Strange’s dog had been whisked off to.

  She studied the notes she’d made on her wrist-top for a long while, trying to decide where her starting point should be, but it wouldn’t come to her easily.

  She knew where it had all started and she knew the dates. She’d learned a fair deal about Strange and Mrs. Masters from Phil at the time when they’d first hired him, but none of that information was pointing her in any particular direction.

  She closed down her wrist-top, and her eyes, and she sat back in her chair. She put her feet on the desk and crossed her legs, and she straightened her skirt. She took a deep breath, and then she started her 144 times table. It was always a good way to clear her mind of clutter and let anything that was niggling at the back of her mind come forward and present itself in the clear light of day.

  And there was something. It wasn’t quite on the tip of her tongue, but if she stretched her tongue far enough, then perhaps it would be.

  She’d reached 3456 when she stopped reciting and opened her eyes.

  Strange had mentioned something off the cuff, almost without consequence, or so it had seemed at the time. He’d fed the dog, Zen, with something he’d called… She couldn’t remember. She checked her notes once more, but it had been of so little importance that she hadn’t even made a note of it.

  There was some sort of alliterating going on; she was sure of that. Was it PPP? Or could it have been BBB? It was one, or the other, she was sure. Proud Playful Puppies? Proud Puppy Parents? Presenting Perfect Puppies?

  Wait a minute, she thought. Perfect rings a bell. She punched in the search criteria into her wrist-top. Dogfood. Three P’s. Perfect. There was only one positive result. Perfect Pet Pouches. The most expensive dogfood in the world. So expensive that there were only three suppliers registered on the planet, and none off planet.

  With a quick smile, she put through a call to Strange.

  He answered on the second ring.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Strange?’

  ‘Yes, Miss Chandler.’

  ‘Can I ask you a quick question?’

  ‘By all means, if it helps. Is Phil back, by the way? I would really like him involved in this case.’

  ‘He was back briefly, but now he’s gone again. He has every confidence in me during his absence, so you‘ve no need to worry.’

  ‘Ask your question then, Miss Chandler.’

  ‘Did she just take your dog, or did she also take dogfood?’

  ‘I…Ah, I see where you are going. No food was taken. We get our dog supplies from Angel Pooches in L.A. I don’t know anywhere else that sells the right food.’

  ‘Thank you, Mr. Strange. You have been very helpful.’

  She finished the call, and brought up the contact details for Angel Pooches, which was the second on the list she'd already compiled.

  ‘Hello, is that Angel Pooches? I’m just checking up on a delivery of Perfect Pet Pouches. They should have been here yesterday, and we’ve run out, and the poor dear won’t eat anything else. The name is Masters. Mrs. Masters.’

  ‘Just give me a moment to check your account, Mrs. Masters. Would you prefer a light selection of late 20th century Indie music during this brief pause, or absolute silence?’

  ‘Absolute silence, please.’

  The line was as silent as promised for 30 seconds.

  ‘Thank you for waiting Mrs. Masters. The order was actually dispatched yesterday, as acknowledged and should be with you today.’

  ‘Thank you so much. Now, can I ask you to check, young man? I’ve moved recently and I’m so worried that I might have given you the wrong address, so could you just confirm the address you have for me? Just to be sure.’

  ‘Of course, Mrs. Masters. That is not a problem at all. Shall I send it to you?’

  ‘Yes, please. That is so kind of you, young man.’

  Her wrist-top pinged and she closed down the call.

  ‘Right, that was easy,’ she said as she studied the address.

  She put a call through to Strange once more.

  ‘Hello, Mr. Strange. I’m pleased to say that I have located your missing dog and I can send the address through to you now, along with our final bill.’

  ‘That’s excellent work, and so quick. Now, can I ask you not to send you bill through just yet, as I want you, or ideally Phil, if he’s back, to go and fetch the dog for me. Can you do that?’

  ‘Well, I’m not sure that is really within our remit, Mr. Strange.’

  ‘If you would, I could give you a bonus. It’s just that, if I go, I’ll be so het up that I’ll say something, and she’ll say something back, and then there’ll be an escalation and the dogs will get upset, and any chance of a future rapprochement between Mrs. Masters and myself will be lost forever.’

  ‘Well, in that case, and as Phil is not yet here, I will go and speak to Mrs. Masters. But I should let you know that I have no authority in this matter. If she refuses to give up the dog, then there’s nothing I can do to compel her to do so.’

  ‘Thank you, Miss Chandler. That is all that I can expect of you. If she does refuse to let you take away The Art Of with you, then, of course, I’ll have to go myself and risk the consequences. Please keep in touch.’

  Julie signed off.

  She checked the stationery cupboard to make sure that Sam hadn’t sneaked in when she wasn’t looking, but the chair was empty.

  She paused for a moment in Phil’s office and made a mental note that at some stage she’d have to do something about the rocket and the hole in the floor.

  Then she turned and left, a little unhappy that she would have to face the legendary Mrs. Masters all on her own.

  Chapter 17 Then, at last the hero

  We'd been sitting in our varied seats for a while before I noticed that my companions were all wearing what could only be described as body-armour.

  'Hey, Neville. Where's my armour?' It seemed a very reasonable question from me.

  'There was insufficient time to fit you out with a set. Each one is custom-built to give maximum protection to its wearer. Each section is capable of withstanding at least one blow from a matter disruptor.'

  'That's great! I'm so pleased that all the highly trained members of my team are so well protected, because it has been preying on my mind. What about me? What's going to stop me from getting cut up into bite-sized pieces?'

  'You have me.'

  'Oh, that is a relief. I thought you'd left me with no protection whatsoever.'

  'We spoke about this, Philip. We practiced all the moves, and I gave you a demonstration.'

  'But that was on Aloha! The most dangerous thing facing us was that parrot with the dodgy eye.'

  'Would you like a quiet moment, Philip? To prepare yourself for what is to come?'

  'How long have we got?'

  'About five minutes before we are within squirt range.'

  'What! I thought we were hundreds of light years from the planetoid.'

  'Ing's ship is very fast.'

  'But, I thought it would be weeks at least.'

  'No, we are almost there. I will be managing the squirts of the rest of the team, as they don't have AI's to perform the calculations. They'll go first, and then we'll follow.'

  'How will they get back? The plan is for us all to get back, isn't it?'

  'Of course, Philip. We would never send you on a suicide mission, unless it was absolutely cri
tical.'

  'You had to say the last bit, didn't you? You could have left it out, but you can't help yourself from sticking the knife in, just a little bit.'

  'I am merely attempting to be as honest as the situation allows.'

  'There you go again.'

  'Their Semi-Sentient Systems have the co-ordinates in place for Ing's ship, so they will be able to return without our help, if that becomes necessary.'

  'You're doing that on purpose, aren't you?'

  'Yes, of course I am, Philip. I am merely trying to get a laugh out of you, whilst you still can.'

  'I give up,' I said, and I watched as the members of my team shook hands and bade each other good luck. I didn't even bother to join in.

  No-one wanted to shake hands with me.

  Then, one by one, they were gone. I was left alone, just me and Neville, and he doesn't count.

  Then Ing came in and took my hand in his monstrous appendage, and he wished me good luck.

  'Did you get him to do that?' I asked. There was no response from Neville.

  Then my stomach tumbled and I was inside the planetoid.

  We were in a long narrow corridor, about two metres across. Actually, it was more like a tube, with the curved floor and walls merging into each other.

  It was well-lit and I could clearly see my team, about 30 metres ahead, facing away from me. I rushed to catch up with them, because I felt very much alone and, if there was an attack, I wanted to be standing next to a highly trained killing machine who knew exactly what to do with their matter disruptor.

  Just as I reached them, they burst into a wider area, a room of sorts I suppose. Some instinct for survival made me stop at the entrance.

  'Oh no!' I gasped.

  The room was full of tall gangly creatures, and they were moving towards my team, and they didn't look friendly.

  Melinda yelled and leapt forward. With incredible speed and agility she ducked a blow from the nearest mechanical beast and sliced her matter disruptor twice across its chest area.

  It fell to the ground in distinct pieces, but she was already on her next target. The rest of the team was with her.