Nobody Puts a Fool in a Corner: A Science Fiction Comedy (These Foolish Things Book 3)

by J Battle

  ‘No. I don’t think that will be at all necessary. I think the court has a very good idea about what is going on here, and I would say that the court is offended at this attempt to deceive and avoid the consequences of your actions. The court therefore dismisses all charges against Philippa Humphrey Chandler…’

  I think I’ve got most of that and it sounds pretty good.

  ‘…and concedes to his unusual, but heartfelt request to have you ‘right your wrongs’.

  ‘But…’

  ‘Excuse me, but the court has not finished speaking. This action will be considered as 50% of your sentence. The remaining portion will be fulfilled by a life-time ban on the holding of any senior religious office.’

  Millie makes no response. She simply turns her head away and closes her eyes as she feels the weight of the crushing blow of his simple words. No more could she think of becoming the Lord High Fulcrum of the Angels on a Pinhead Devotion. The hope that had driven all of her actions since she was squag (that’s like a puppy, but not as cute) is no more. Of course I‘m guessing all this, but I think I’m pretty close,

  I turn to Aely-lel, because watching Millie is making me feel sad, or nauseous; I’m not entirely sure which.

  ‘What did you say him, to make him throw out that last bit of evidence?’

  ‘Well, of course the time error was what made the difference, but he was always my favourite student.’

  I look at the old guy behind the desk.

  ‘Teacher, I think you mean.’

  ‘No, he was a student of mine, when he was much younger, of course.’

  ‘But…’

  I look at my beautiful girlfriend and I think, ‘well how old must you be then?’ But, you know, I don’t care how old she is. She’s beautiful and clever, and she wants to hold my hand.

  In what Universe would that not be enough for me?

  Chapter 27 Now, at last the hero (again!)

  I’m in a long crystal cylinder with flashing purple and yellow lights running up and down its length in a sequence that is making me feel sick.

  There’s a row of seats extending the length of the interior, and they’re all different sizes tailored to whatever strange alien bottom might be sitting on them.

  Millie’s at the front, and I’m at the back. Not because these are human bottom friendly seats; they’re not; they slope and are lumpy, and so high that, if I fall off, I’ll hurt myself. No, the reason I’m sitting here is because Millie won’t change back into a little girl, and, quite frankly, superb flotation sacs or not, she is hideous, and, not to be too blunt or to put too fine a point on it, she stinks.

  Still it’s not too bad. The boys are back, so I’ve got Neville to give me the advice you wouldn’t, and my N. F. is getting the upload direct(Yeah! And I’m just so pleased about it. N.F.)

  ‘How long ‘till we get there?’ I ask, because I’m not sure how long I can stay on this seat.

  Millie snorts, which isn’t big or clever, or at all helpful.

  ‘Judging from the data I’m getting from the ship’s systems, it should be no more than 14 years.’

  ‘14 years! That’s redic—’

  ‘Did I say years? Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I meant to say minutes.’

  It’s so good to have him back. I asked him a little earlier to squirt me from one end of the spaceship to the other, just for a laugh, but he wouldn’t.

  ‘This is not a time for such flippancy, Philip,’ he answered.

  So; he’s still a spoilsport, but he’s my spoilsport.

  ‘How are we going to do this?’ I call out.

  She’s turning that big flat expanse of face towards me, and her lower mouth is still drooling. Surely she can get something done about that?

  ‘There has been a change of plan, Philly-babe.’

  Now, it’s bad enough her calling me that in her little-girl voice; it sort of fits. But not when she’s come as herself and her voice is sort of guttural and sounds more masculine that mine.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I ask, because that’s the obvious question and, when all else fails, I’m all about the obvious.

  ‘The Minloggies won’t change their plans if I just call them. They can be very resolute and focused on their belief systems. In person, there are certain techniques I can use to influence them and make them remove the mini-black holes.’

  ‘So, we’re going to, what…their home world?’ I just like to be clear about these things.

  ‘Yes, Philly-babe.’

  ‘Philip, would you like to score the wisdom of this course of action on a scale of one to ten? With one being ‘this isn’t a great idea’ and ten being ‘Oh no, this is the worst idea ever that has ever been considered, in the history of the Universe, and in the future of the Universe; even worse than the Emperor who thought it was a bit drafty when he was wearing his invisible clothes, but still decided to go out amongst the populace wearing them.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘The Minloggies won’t like you very much, Philip; will they?’

  No, I think. They won’t; not at all. That’s what this is all about; their hatred of bipeds in general and, apparently, humans in particular. Thank goodness I have Neville here to stop me from being caught up in something so foolish, and dangerous.

  ‘You’re right, Neville,‘ I say, even though I know such praise will go to his head.

  ‘You can’t do that.’ I say to Millie, in a firm, no-nonsense, can’t be misunderstood tone of voice. I’ve been practicing a lot recently, in front of a mirror. I have this raised lip snarl sort of thing I can bring into action if it becomes necessary, but I think the voice will be enough.

  ‘It’s already done, Philly-babe. ETA is 27 minutes.’

  I bring the raised lip snarl sort of thing into action.

  ‘It is now 26 minutes, Philip.’

  ‘What are we going to do?’ I ask Neville. There’s always a moment in these adventures when I say that to him, and I usually don’t much like the response I get.

  ‘Distract her, Philip, whilst I see if I can remotely wrest control of the ship from her.’

  ‘Distract? How? I can hardly sing her a song or tell her a joke.’

  ‘I always found that you were easily distracted by jokes.’

  ‘By how bad they were.’

  ‘The aim was always to distract; not to amuse.’

  ‘Millie,’ I call out, as I take a step away from my seat and closer to hers. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but it seems like the place to start. ‘You can’t get away with this.’ I know, it’s a cliché, and it’s what they say in all the films when they confront the bad guy in the final scene. Is this the final scene, by the way? And if it is, is that a good thing, for me personally I mean, because I really want to live to be in the sequel, if that’s alright with everybody.

  'I believe I will, Philly-babe. Who's going to stop me? You?' She gives me a disparaging laugh, as if she doesn't think I have what it takes.

  Don't you all go nodding your heads in agreement, because I have the most intelligent being in the ship in my head. 'I'm right there, Neville. You are more intelligent than Millie, aren't you? I know she's level 9, but you're still cleverer, aren't you?' It's suddenly become very important to me that, if we have a David and Goliath situation here, intellectually speaking, that I'm on the side of the big guy, because that sling trick will never work twice.

  'Philip, please focus on the task in hand.'

  'Tell me how you think you can get away with it, ' I say. Now, that will keep her going until the cavalry arrives.

  'You've become very chatty all of a sudden, Philly-babe. Is it nerves, or is it something else entirely?'

  'You know me, Millie. Stressful situations get me all…stressed.'

  'Oh…I see. I don't think your clever little machine will get away with that.'

  'Philip, she has blocked my remote access to the ship's systems. We are fast approaching a critical situation.'

  I don't like th
e sound of that. In my humble opinion, critical situations should be approached with due care and attention, and at a snail's pace; a very slow snail, with a bad leg.

  'What are we going to do about it?' I always feel that, if you assume that a solution is about to be presented to you, sometimes it actually will.

  'I'm going to need your nanos to attempt a manual intervention within the system. Can you stand very close to that bank of lights over there? Otherwise it's a long way for the nanos to travel.'

  'But, it's right beside Millie, and she's ugly and dangerous, and she smells.'

  'It has to be done, Philip.'

  'Won't she see what we're up to?'

  'I think you are right, Philip. So there is no other choice but to physically attack her, to prevent her interference.'

  'What! I…I can't do that! She's ugly and dangerous, and she smells. And she's three times my size.'

  'You can take her, Philip. Just stay light on your feet and stay behind your jab.'

  'What on Earth are you talking about? What do you know about fighting anyway?'

  'I understand the theory, Philip, and you will have surprise on your side, that is always seen to be a big advantage.'

  Yes, I will have surprise on my side, until I throw my first jab, when surprise will probably change to amusement.

  'Hang on a minute, Neville. I need my nanos; what if she hurts me? I'll need them to stop me dying!'

  'You still have your impressive muscles. Philip. They're good for a couple of days without your nanos.'

  'Can't we squirt somewhere?'

  'Where would you have us squirt to, Philip? To a nice patch of empty space behind the ship, or would you prefer the patch of empty space in front of the ship? We have multiple locations we could choose from, but they all have a striking resemblance in terms of life supporting capabilities.'

  'So, I've got to go mano a aliano against her? How long do I have to last?'

  'If a positive solution is attainable, then it should not take more than 90 seconds.'

  '90 seconds?' How much harm could she do to me in 90 seconds?' Don't you dare answer that; it was a rhetorical question.

  'OK,' I say, 'I'm going to go for it,' I say, 'are you sure this is the only way?'

  'Absolutely, Philip. Now quick as you can, please. None if this will be of any use if we arrive on the home planet of the Minloggies before our task is complete.'

  I'm moving closer to the bank of lights, and to my unknowing victim. She can't be that tough, can she? She hasn't got any hands that I can see, and those mouths don't seem full of teeth and, after all, she's only a girl.

  I keep telling myself that. If she was in her little girl form, I could take her without breaking sweat.

  'Excuse me, Millie,' I say as I get far too close for comfort. 'Can I just ask you a personal question? Quiet like, so no-one hears.'

  All five eyes are fixed on me, and there's a line of drool that I can't take my eyes off as it stretches to the floor.

  'What do you want to know, Phillip-babe?'

  'I want to know…' I say, which is difficult to do as I'm holding my breath as I don't want the stench to make me vomit all over her, although, would that be classed as a diversion? 'Can you tell me…?'

  I'm in range now, and I hardly hesitate at all. Take that, alien bitch!

  My punch is fast and accurate, and it catches her just below her lower mouth in what I think is her throat region and…Oh no! That's just disgusting! My hand has sunk elbow-deep into her soft squishy flesh, and I can't pull it out. She's got a grip on it.

  I'm pulling and jerking and twisting, but her soft, squishy grip is unbreakable.

  You'll laugh when you hear what I've just done.

  I didn't mean to, but I was getting all angry and frustrated, and there was nothing else I could do, so I punched her again, with my other fist (obviously), and you'll never guess what happened.

  Both arms are stuck in her horrible alien flesh, and I think she's turned up the level of her stink.

  Is it 90 seconds yet? It must be 90 seconds, mustn't it? Have you been timing it for me? You must have; is it 90 seconds yet?

  Oh no, it's getting worse. Her bottom mouth is sucking on my belly, and not in a nice way.

  'Come on, Neville. Time must be up!'

  'Yes, Philip, time is indeed up.'

  'Shall I tell her that we now have control of her ship and we are going to fly off to safety, and she'd better let go of me?'

  'No, Philip, I don't think you should.'

  'Why not?'

  'Because it is not strictly true.'

  'It what way is it not strictly true?'

  'Mostly in the wresting control and flying away to safety way.'

  Chapter 28 Now what?

  I’ve stopped struggling with Millie now, and my eyes are closed because I’m trying to build up the courage to ask the next question. It’s not easy; no it’s not. Let’s see you do it. See, I knew you wouldn’t.

  ‘Why, Neville? What went wrong?’

  ‘I think wrong is a slight excessive and more than a little emotive term, Philip. But I will explain. Your nanos did as expected and infiltrated the ships system with a view to gaining control of said systems…’

  ‘Will you get on with it, Neville! I’m up to my elbows in a squishy stinky alien, and it’s not very nice.’

  ‘The nanos were going about their business when they apparently triggered a self-destruct response from the ship’s systems.’

  ‘They what! Self-destruct! How can that not be fully and utterly wrong? What with us all about to die?’

  ‘The ship’s systems destroyed itself only. The integrity of the ship as a whole has not been compromised.’

  ‘Wow! That’s a relief. So we are OK then?’

  ‘We are, for now.’

  ‘You always have to do that, don’t you?’

  ‘The ship’s systems control the motive capabilities of the ship, the communication capabilities of the ship, and the life support capabilities of the ship.’

  ‘So…what are you telling me?’

  ‘in the plainest language possible, Philip, I am telling you that within the space of six hours or so, depending on the oxygen usage of Millie, because it is not a matter of record, so I cannot be precise, but that would be my…’

  ‘Neville, what happens within six hours, give or take?’

  ‘The ship will become little more than a floating coffin.’

  ‘But…that’s…how did you not know…it can’t end like this, can it?’

  ‘When you die, I’ll squirt to the nearest planet,’ said Millie, with more than a hint of ‘I’m alright, Jack.’

  ‘Not with me up to my elbows in you, you won’t.’ I know it’s petty and small-minded, but I have to say something.

  With a squelching sound my arms and hands are exuded from her flesh, and I can’t even see the holes now.

  ‘I think Millie is being a little premature in her self-satisfaction, Philip.’

  ‘Why, what do you know that she doesn’t know, and me?’

  ‘I could be quite some time answering that question, Philip, but I’ll cut to the most important fact that I have to share with you. I obviously performed a statistical analysis of all likely outcomes of our actions here on this ship, and I saw a 43.57% chance that something close to the situation we now face might emerge, so…’

  ‘So, you have a cunning plan?’

  ‘Any plan that was not in some way cunning hardly deserves the name.’

  ‘You can tell me anytime you want to, how you are going to get us out of this mess you got us into, and that you had a fair idea would happen this way, as long as that time is right now!’

  ‘Take a look out of that screen behind you.’

  I‘m turning, and I can’t help but notice that Millie is doing the same.

  ‘Oh, yes!’ I say, and I’m feeling entirely justified in using that exclamation mark, because I recognise the spaceship that is drawing up alongside us; especially
with those go-faster stripes.

  ‘Ing has come to rescue us!’

  ‘Did you not have faith that I would be well prepared? I suspected some sort of deception on Millie’s part, so I asked Ing to equip his ship appropriately and to follow us wherever we went. When the ship’s system activated its self-destruct protocols, I called him to come and collect us.’

  ‘Well, Neville, I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about you, because you are the smartest entity on this ship; you’re nearly as smart as LOrd.

  ‘That may be the case, Philip, but I am the one still in charge of all my facilities.’ His normally calm voice has something of the ‘I’m the king of the castle!’ about it.

  ‘What about me?‘ asks Millie. She’s changed into a little girl now, with the pigtails and smiley face, but the stench hasn’t gone yet.

  ‘Well, if you think…What are we going to do about her, Neville?’

  ‘If you think you can keep me off that ship, you’d better think again, Philly-babe.’

  I don’t know; is it only me that thinks she’s actually nicer when she’s herself? Even with the smell.

  Now, what’s going on here? ‘Neville? Neville?’

  He’s not talking to me, so he must be talking to her. I hate it when this happens; I feel so left out.

  ‘Come on! Someone say something to me!’

  Millie is smiling and nodding, so that's some data for me to chew on in my attempt to find out what the hell is going on. At least I know that she's heard something to smile at, and nod at.

  'OK, Philip, I've explained the situation fully to Millie and I think she fully comprehends the choices available to her.'

  'I'd like a bit of explaining and comprehension, if you don't mind. If it's all the same to you. If you've got a spare moment to put the poor, lowly human in the picture.'

  'That's a very sulky tone you have there, Philip. Not at all the mature, sophisticated man of the world image you normally try to present.'

  'What do you mean, 'try'?'

  'I've advised Millie that she will be unable to squirt into Ing's ship as, before he joined us, he took some time to acquire a Heloon shield generator from a Level Nine contact of his, and that field is now in place, preventing any type of squirting.'