I look over my shoulder to see Granger watching us. I feel bad. However, there was a point when I thought I would never see Granger again, and he probably thought the same thing about me. Butch takes me in the house and the family is starting to sit down around the table. Granger comes in and sits down by his wife. They are both across from me and she keeps glancing at me and then at Granger.
“When are you expecting?” I ask.
“In about four months,” she tells me.
“What are you hoping for?” I respond.
“A boy, of course,” she smiles, and glances up at Granger and he smiles back at her.
Mr. Snider comes in, and we all start dishing up our food, and the boys start talking among themselves about some strays they need to go out to find before the weather gets bad.
Butch is sitting next to me and he reaches over and pats my knee, giving me a smile.
“I bet your Ma is happy to have you back,” Mrs. Snider says. “She must have been worried about you.”
“Some scallywags threw her onto a ship and it took her a while to get back,” Butch states. “She’s been through a lot, but I, for one, am happy she made it back in one piece.”
“As we all are,” Mrs. Snider responds.
“We’re going to use the extra cabin tonight,” Butch states, but first we need to go tell Mazy’s Ma that she won’t be back tonight.”
I look up at him.
“I just got back and have barely been home yet,” I whisper in his ear.
“Plenty of time for that,” he whispers back. “Unless you really don’t want to stay,” he adds.
I don’t reply. Granger is glaring at Butch and then looks over at me. Why should it upset him so much, I wonder? He has been spending every night with his wife for the last five or six months, or however long he has been married to her, I think. I am not his property and never was.
When we are through eating, Butch and I get on our horses and start to head back to my place.
“You don’t have to come with me,” I say. “Maybe I should take time to visit with my mother.”
“Are you going to come back?” he asks.
“Come get me when you are ready,” I tell him.
He gives me a smile.
“Thanks, Mazy. It will be warmer in the cabin than it was in the shack,” he promises.
Ma looks pleased when I come into the house.
“You been to the Snider’s for dinner?” she asks, even though she knows.
“Yes,” I say. “I’m going back to spend some time with Butch there tonight.”
“You’re not going to leave him later, making him think you have run off, are you?” she asks.
“If I leave him, he will know I did, and why,” I say. “Nothing is agreed on. We just want to get to know each other better, is all. We are more just friends than anything else. Granger wanted too much too soon. He was scaring me. Butch just wants us to be friends.”
“Friends spending the night together?” Ma asks. “That don’t look good, Mazy.”
“I’m already a fallen woman, Ma. What difference does it make?”
“Just be careful this time,” she tells me.
“I think I have learned a few things since then,” I assure her. “Besides, I trust Butch.”
“Then I hope you have a nice time visiting,” she tells me.
Later, Butch comes and I go out and get on Rocket again and we ride over to his place. We put the horses away and he brings me to the cabin. He has candles lit around the room and the wood stove is putting off heat. The bed is bigger than the one at the shack. He lies down on the bed and pulls me down beside him.
“Now we can keep all our clothes on or get more comfortable. It is up to you,” he says, as he kicks his boots off and then pulls my boots off as well.
“You think eventually you are going to get my clothes off, don’t you?” I accuse.
“I told you I wasn’t going to rip your clothes off. If any of your clothes come off, it will be you taking them off, not me.”
He pulls me against him, grabs a book from the shelf and starts to read it to me. I just start bursting out laughing after the first paragraph.
“What is so funny?” he asks.
“I read that stupid book while I was on the Blue Dolphin. To tell you the truth, I hated it.”
Butch tosses the book aside.
“Well, in that case, let’s just talk,” he says. “What is the thing you missed the most when you were on that ship?” he asks.
“Land,” I laugh. “There was nothing but open water and I wondered if I would ever set my foot on land again?”
“What one thing would you want to do the most, if you could do anything you wanted to?”
“I thought being home was what I wanted the most when I was out on that ship. It just seems strange now. I guess I got what I wanted the most, only it wasn’t how I thought it would be.”
“How did you think it would be?” he asks, pushing my hair back away from my face as he looks into my eyes.
“I guess I thought Granger would be waiting for me,” I whisper. “He convinced me that he loved me. I felt guilty for loving Randolph when I knew Granger didn’t even know what had happened to me. Randolph sent me back because he knew I loved Granger. Or at least, I thought I did by then.”
“If he had been waiting, what would you be doing with him right about now?” he breathes.
“Probably what we are doing. Talking. Getting reacquainted. Only I am just getting newly acquainted with you,” I amend.
“Are you liking it?” he murmurs, as he twirls a piece of my hair around his finger.
“I feel comfortable,” I say. “It’s easy to talk to you. You don’t demand anything from me.”
“I feel comfortable too,” he says, “but I sure liked what we were doing this morning,” he whispers, as he rubs his lips against my cheek.
“Only we don’t love each other,” I remind him. “What we were doing this morning was just our bodies talking. Actually, your body talking,” I laugh.
“I wouldn’t mind letting our bodies talk again,” he smiles. “You did things with Granger when you didn’t think you loved him,” he states.
“I was learning things,” I say. “I was pretty inexperienced.”
“I could teach you some things,” he smiles.
“Probably not anything I don’t already know,” I inform him.
“Maybe we should compare our experiences,” he suggests.
“You just want me to take my clothes off,” I accuse.
“Probably, but I’m not going to do it for you,” he still insists.
“Don’t try so hard, Butch. Granger always tried so hard to convince me that eventually, I would end up loving him the way he loved me. To tell you the truth, that is what kept me pushing him away.”
Butch looks a little disappointed but then gives me a smile. “You don’t have to figure out if you love me or not, Mazy. And anything we do together is up to you. I just want you to know, that like Granger, me being around you, makes me happier than not being around you. What we do together pales to that. Only I have to admit that being around you, also drives me crazy. So if you start feeling like you need a man’s hand to comfort you, you know I would always be willing.” he says in a husky sounding voice.
“That look in your eyes is already making me feel guilty for driving you crazy,” I tell him.
His smile stretches. “Don’t you want to feel a little crazy too, Mazy?” he laughs, as his fingers reach up and touch my cheek. I give a low murmur and he kisses my lips.
“Heck, you don’t have to take your clothes off,” he whispers. “You are just as pretty with them on.”
We climb under the covers together, after he has blown out all the candles. Butch’s arms pull me to him. His mouth covers mine, trying to pull my resistance from my soul, with every move of his lips. I bask in the softness of his touch, as his hands caress my back. Only I know I don’t love Butch and I’m not sure
I can learn to.
We sleep some, and then I am awakened by his mouth on mine again.
“Wouldn’t mind being with you like this all night and day,” he whispers, as he pulls me against him and wraps me in his embrace. Then we fall asleep again.
In the morning, I am awakened by the smell of food, and when I open my eyes, I see Butch with a platter of food.
“I brought you breakfast,” he smiles. “Don’t move.”
My eyes widen, as Butch pulls the covers back. Then he places the tray over my lap. I see steaming griddle cakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs. My mouth starts to water in anticipation.
“Butch!” I exclaim, “What a nice thing to do!”
“Anything for you, Mazy. I would fix you breakfast in bed every day if you let me.”
“Looks like you are still trying too hard, Butch,” I point out.
“I can’t help it. I want to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with you as often as I can,” he whispers, and he takes the knife and begins to spread butter and jam onto a biscuit, and then trickle syrup over the griddle cakes. “Later, if you want, you can fix breakfast for me. But you don’t have to,” he grins, and he leans over and starts to cut up the griddle cakes, then takes a fork and gives me a bite.
He misses my mouth, getting syrup on my chin.
“Not to worry,” he smiles as he leans over and licks it from my face. Don’t want you to be all sticky,” Butch mumbles.
I laugh, but Butch is determined to continue feeding me. I think he wants me to feel pampered. I do not stop him, as I open my mouth for the next bite. Now Butch is tipping a glass of orange juice to my lips. His mouth closes over mine as he gives me a kiss when I finish drinking.
We laugh and joke, as Butch tries to feed me, and I insist on feeding him some of my breakfast too.
“This is the best breakfast I have ever eaten,” he whispers, as his mouth starts to wander down my neck, after kissing me once again.
“I think I had better go home, Butch,” I whisper. “You’re starting to scare me.”
“I didn’t mean to,” he whispers, as he grabs my hand.
“It’s just that you know I love Randolph, and you are doing this. You are confusing me. I hardly get home and you want me with you like this. I enjoyed the thought, but I can’t be doing these things with you, Butch, and you know it.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you, Mazy. I guess I am just getting too excited to have you here with me.”
“Next you are going to want to make love to me,” I accuse.
“I told you I wasn’t going to take your clothes off,” he reminds me. “What we’re doing here is…”
“I don’t know if I can trust you, Butch. You are one step away from trying to seduce me,” I whisper. “I had better go.”
I push the covers off of me and get out of the bed.
“Don’t let this ruin our friendship,” he begs. “You are still going to come help me train the filly, aren’t you?”
“I’ll think about it,” I tell him.
“Mazy, you are taking this all wrong,” he insists.
“Granger got me trusting him too,” I tell him. “I can’t live through another Granger, Butch. You are too much like him.”
I pull the door open and go out to the stable to get Rocket and Butch follows me.
“I’ll give you some time to get your bearings,” he whispers as I climb up on Rocket. “I’ll come visit you in a few days after you get settled back into the routine of things.”
“Thanks for the wonderful morning, Butch, and for holding me two nights in a row. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it. I just think it is too soon and too dangerous while I am still so confused and trying to get over Granger. Besides, if you keep this up, you may change your mind about taking me to New York to look for Randolph in the spring.”
“Sorry, Mazy. I hope you don’t hold this against me.”
“I don’t,” I say, and then I head Rocket back to my place.
The memory of the how kind Butch is trying to be is playing over in my mind. To him, it is probably just his way to express his feelings for me, but I have already been loved by two men that wanted more of me than I was willing to give at the time. And things are no different now than they were with both Granger and Randolph.
There was always something holding me back because maybe I don’t know what love is, or what it is supposed to be about? Randolph had told me that a man making you feel good was not what love was all about, but it always seems to lead to that somehow, I am thinking.
I appreciate what Butch is offering me because it is what women dream about when they find someone they love. However, if I let him continue, it will keep bonding me to him, and I am not ready to be bonded to anyone so soon after discovering Granger really hadn’t loved me the way he claimed, and Randolph is beyond my reach.
“Hey, wait up,” I hear a voice behind me call, and I look over my shoulder and see Granger following me on his horse.
“What do you need, Granger?” I ask. “I thought we did our talking yesterday,” I say.
“Butch was watching over you like a guard dog and I couldn’t say what I really wanted to say, Mazy. Come down off your horse, so I can talk to you.”
“It won’t change anything,” I tell him, as I peer up into his eyes.
“No, but it might help you to understand,” he says quietly, and he swings down from his horse and comes over and grabs my hand, so I swing down as well.
Granger stands facing me, holding both of my hands in his.
“It’s not like I just went off looking for someone else the moment you disappeared,” he whispers. “You know I had followed you to New York, even though you didn’t want me to, so there was no way I was just going to let you take off on your own without me. I looked everywhere, Mazy. I was going crazy trying to find some trace of where you had gone, but there was nothing! For two weeks straight, all I did was wander the streets of New York, asking people if they had seen you, checking to see if you bought train tickets. I didn’t think you would leave without Rocket, so I knew that Martin wasn’t telling the truth. When I confronted him later about it, he wouldn’t tell me anything. What was I going to do? I decided to wait around in New York and keep looking.
“Then I ran into Ruth at the hotel where I was staying. We started talking, and I told her about you. She started helping me look, but we still couldn’t find you. Somewhere along the line, she tried to give me comfort and one thing led to the next. Then she tells me she is carrying my baby, so I had to do the right thing.
“Two months had gone by and there was no sign of you. I didn’t marry her out of love. I married her out of obligation, but I’m learning to love her because she loves me.
“Once I married her, there was no need to keep looking for you. I figured you would have to take care of yourself since there was no way I could find you. Ruth knows how much I love you, Mazy. I never made her think I ever stopped loving you.”
He stops talking and looks deeply into my eyes.
“She is your wife now, though, Granger. You can’t change that,” I remind him.
“It won’t stop me from loving you, Mazy. Nothing could stop me from loving you,” he moans, and pulls me into his arms, hugging me against him.
“You have to stop loving me, Granger,” I whisper. “I am certainly not going to become your mistress.”
“Do you love Butch?” he asks, as he holds me from him. “Is that it? You said you had fallen in love with some sea Captain, but you came back because you thought you loved me more.”
“You always hung in there for me, Granger. It wouldn’t be fair for me to just forget about you, after all that. Only now, things are different. You didn’t hang in there enough, it seems. You start making love to Ruth, while you are still looking for me? What if you had found me? Then what?”
“Did you make love to that Captain?” he asks, as he pins me with his stare, and I know I am as guilty as he is.
“I was stuck
on a ship with him,” I whisper.
“So you can’t hold it against me for making love to Ruth,” he reasons. “But it didn’t mean I had fallen out of love with you. It just meant that I needed a woman to comfort me since I had lost the only woman I would ever love.”
Granger pulls me back to him and places his mouth over mine.
At first, I stiffen, but he won’t release me, and his kiss is desperate and insistent.
“I still love you, Mazy,” he cries as he breaks from the kiss. “I don’t know if I can stand by and see you with Butch.”
“I have to see you with Ruth, so what difference does it make?”
“I don’t make love to Ruth,” he whispers in a strained voice. “I only did it that one time and I haven’t done it since. It causes a strain. She knows I married her because I put her in that position. You are the only person I ever want to make love to.”
“But you can’t Granger. You need to stay true to Ruth now.”
“How can I be true to someone that I only took because I missed you so much?” he asks. “I regretted it the moment I did it and stopped being with her until she told me about the baby.”
“Well, Martin taking me once, got me with child, and I had to face the consequences of that action, so I guess you do too,” I tell him.
“I would have married you. You didn’t have to go look for Martin. You should have listened to me, Mazy, instead of going off half-cocked, as usual, and wanting to blackmail Martin. I wish you had of married me, when I first wanted you to, and none of this ever would have happened,” he groans, as he clutches me to him.
He begins devouring my mouth, and then he is pulling me down into the grass beneath the bushes we are standing next to. I feel the weight of him settling on top of me, pushing his hands under my shirt, as he continues to crush my lips beneath his own.
“Granger,” I am murmuring beneath his lips, “You can’t…”
But he won’t let me talk. His hands rake against my body, as he plunders my mouth. The passion seems to take over him and I don’t know why I put my arms around him as well, hugging him to me. When he feels me doing that, his hands start to fumble with the fastens on my denims. Then he is pulling them away, letting himself free as soon as he does so. I feel him taking me with a need I have never experienced with him before, as he cries, and whimpers against my neck, telling me how much he loves me and has always loved me.
Spit and Grit Page 14