The Trouble with Frogs

by Leah Sanders

  This guy was about ten minutes late picking me up, but when he walked through the shop door, he was dressed to the nines in a classic black tuxedo with neon pink cummerbund and bowtie.

  "Jory?" he asked when I walked out from behind the counter.

  "Yes." I offered him my best first impression smile and reached for my matching clutch purse.

  "I'm Collin. You look beautiful." A sweet compliment to start with. So far, so good. He handed me a florist box that held a wrist corsage, complete with white carnations, pink rosebuds, and a neon pink ribbon.

  "Thank you." I had to work to keep the note of confusion from my voice because I hadn't seen a wrist corsage since Junior-Senior Prom… in high school. Did adults ever wear those? It would be super awkward walking into a club wearing a bundle of flowers on my arm. But I pushed my misgivings out of my mind, and asked, "So, where we heading?" I thought dinner and dancing probably meant a nice restaurant, maybe Italian — that's my favorite, especially that new place down on Trinity Boulevard, Trebioni's — then to one or two clubs on the strip.

  "It's a surprise." He grinned cryptically and winked at me.

  Collin had one of those baby faces. Cute, but young-looking. His eTruLuv profile picture was a pretty close match to the real thing, but when I saw him in real life, he looked even younger. Like he hadn't even started shaving yet.

  He offered me his elbow, a rare gentlemanly gesture I thought was reserved for formal occasions like weddings and royal balls. Kinda sweet anyway. I hooked my hand on his arm and allowed him to lead me out the door.

  Shelly, who had been eyeing the situation with interest, waved me out the door with a curious smile on her lips.

  As we stepped outside, I glanced up and down the street for his car. There were only a few still parked by the curb, and he pointed toward a tan Subaru wagon two doors down.

  "I hope you don't mind, but the alternator went out in my car this morning. My parents are going to drive us."

  Hold. The. Phone. His parents? Um…

  "Oh. Um, would you rather I drive? I have my car here."

  "Oh no." He shook his head for extra emphasis. "They really wanted to meet you, and they were wanting to go out tonight anyway. So it'll kind of be a double date." His wide toothy grin told me he thought this was the best idea ever. To take a blind date on a double date… with his parents.

  Was it too late to run screaming back to the shop and lock the door behind me? I glanced over my shoulder hoping for a possible getaway. With his hand possessively cupped over mine on his arm, there was no way I could slip free without a violent tug. I decided to just finish out the date.

  I wish I had run.

  Step-by-step we moved closer to the car and farther from my sanctuary.

  When he opened the back passenger side door for me and leaned inside to announce me to his parents, his mother burst out of the front passenger door like a piece of popcorn escaping its kernel. Pretty sure I jumped ten feet out of my skin.

  "Hi! I'm Collin's mother! She grabbed both my arms in her big fluffy hands and forced me in for a hug before I knew what was happening. Just as quick she pushed me out at arms' reach and assessed me from head-to-toe. Not gonna lie, it was one of the most awkward assessments of my person I have ever experienced. I mean, it's one thing when a random guy checks me out on the street, but quite another to be checked out by someone's mother.

  "Oh, Collin! She's lovely." Her gaze finally met my eyes. "Call me Mom, okay?" At long last she released her grip on my arms. I would definitely have fingerprint bruises by morning, she had been holding me that tight, like she was afraid I was going to suddenly take flight.

  The thought had crossed my mind.

  Or should I call that my survival instinct?

  She squeezed back into the front seat and Collin held the back door for me. I took one last longing look at the shop door, then crawled into the car. Collin shut the door behind me, effectively cutting off all chance of escape.

  Immediately a little white bischon friese jumped into my lap and attempted to lick my face as though I was the first sane human it had ever met.

  "Lucy!" Collin's mom shouted… in this small enclosed space. "Get back here!" She strained to reach over the seat and grab Lucy off me. Lucy eluded her by jumping down by my feet and needling her way under my skirt. I jumped when her wet nose hit the back of my knee.

  When Collin's mother tossed my skirt to the side — Yeah. You heard that right — I panicked and frantically grabbed at my flailing dress, trying to keep myself covered. "Can I— Here, let me — I can get her for you, Mrs.—"

  "Mom!" she shouted at me, still struggling to grasp the squirming dog.

  I was not going to call her Mom.

  Not even after she had seen my underwear.

  Just… no.

  Finally one or the other or both of us got a hold of Lucy, and somehow she made it back into the front seat with Collin's parents.

  The whole time this was going on, I hadn't heard one word from Collin's father. In fact, after the fuss, I glanced at him. He seemed to be completely oblivious to anything that had just transpired. Really?

  And Collin? He laughed. Hysterically. The entire episode. Like a sixth grade boy.

  No. This date was not going well.

  Already I knew there would not be a second one, but I've never been one to walk out in the middle of a movie. I just hold out hope it will get better before the end.

  The same was true of this date.

  Besides, Collin's father had pulled away from the curb and we were several blocks gone. It's not like I would be walking back at this point.

  After Collin began to breathe normally again and had wiped the laughter tears from his cheeks, he was able to engage in some small talk.

  "How was your day?" he asked.

  "It was good," I answered and was about to tell him about the new shipment of classics that had arrived that morning, when his mother interrupted.

  "So, Jory, Collin tells us you work every day. How does that affect your relationships?"

  A long, pregnant pause gave birth to crickets chirping.

  WHAT? Nervous laughter forced its way through my throat.

  It took me a moment to realize she wasn't joking and really wanted to know the answer.

  "Um, I…" How does one answer that? I hadn't had a dating relationship in long enough that my friend had opened an online dating account in my name.

  Before I could formulate a coherent answer, she added, "What about your studies? Does it interfere with school?"

  I opened my mouth to inform her that I had graduated from college last spring, but Collin leapt to my rescue.

  "She works in a bookstore, Mom."

  Wow. My hero.

  "Oh, yes. You're right. There's probably plenty of time for studying."

  At that point, I stopped listening. I think my brain just shut off because of the absolute crazy in that car. I couldn't tell you anything else she said other than the fact that Collin and his mother carried on both their sides and mine of a conversation about relationships, love, and dating, I contemplated jumping out of the moving vehicle, cocktail dress and all.

  Collin didn't even seem embarrassed. Like it was the most natural thing in the world to take his parents on a first date and talk about his love life.

  Well, I say 'parents', but I had yet to hear Collin's dad utter a single syllable. If he hadn't been driving the car, I would have wondered if he were still breathing.

  After what seemed like an eternity I glanced at my phone for a time check. Five after seven. I had only been with these people for twenty minutes.

  We pulled into the parking lot of the Elk's Lodge. I had never been inside. I had never even been curious. Yet here we were, going there for dinner. Collin and his father quickly stepped out of the car and rushed to the passenger side to open our doors.

  I took Collin's offered hand and stepped out of the car. The parking lot was full. Some kind of a big event was going on. There
were even a few limos parked in the back.

  The four of us made our way inside. Collin's mother chattered away to her stoic husband the whole time. I effectively blocked her out and slowed my pace a bit to force some space between us and Collin's parents. They were also dressed in formal attire. In fact, Collin and his father were in identical tuxes, and Collin's mother wore a matching neon pink gown. It practically glowed in the dark, and in the light of the foyer, she was almost blinding.

  It was a lot of pink.

  "This is the banquet hall, here," Collin said, gesturing to our left. He took my shawl and checked it at the coat counter, then he offered me his arm once again and led me inside.

  It was dark except for candlelight on the tables and white Christmas lights draped all around the room. We found an empty table for four and sat down.

  The salad plates were already at the table, so we began eating right away. I'm normally starving by this time of night, so I was glad enough for something to munch.

  After only a few moments, someone picked up a microphone and announced, "Welcome to the Junior-Senior Banquet."

  I choked on a cherry tomato and made a loud gagging noise. Collin's mom reached over and pounded on my back, then grabbed my arm and started pumping it up and down like I was a toddler. My eyes started to water, and I waved her off and shook my head.

  The tomato was lodged in my throat and her help seemed to be doing more harm than good. Panic seized me, and I could feel my heart racing. When I couldn't even cough anymore, the thought Is this it for me? flashed through my mind. The edges of my vision started to dim, and I could feel myself fading from consciousness. My knees felt like jelly, but just as I began to collapse, two strong arms lifted me into the air by my midsection and pumped the tomato right out of my windpipe. I gasped, sucking in all the oxygen my lungs could handle.

  As my vision cleared, I looked up just in time to see Collin's dad retake his seat across from me. He lifted a bit of salad to his mouth and chewed solemnly without so much as a fleeting glance in my direction, as if he hadn't just saved my life in the middle of a high school banquet.

  Everyone else in the place was staring at me.

  "You okay?" Collin asked.

  I shook my head, still just concentrating on the next breath.

  I didn't even wait for the next course to be served. I asked Collin's father to take me back to the shop.

  One near death experience seemed a good enough excuse to call it a night.

  Andy was amused. Jory could see it in his sparkling blue eyes. He had too good of manners to laugh out loud at her expense, but she could tell it was a definite struggle. If she really thought about it, and could somehow detach herself from the experience, it would be hilarious. Hilarious… when it happened to someone else. Not so funny when she was the victim.

  But someday, she was sure she would be able to laugh about it.

  Andy shook his head in disbelief. "I cannot believe that happened!"

  "Right? I mean, you can't make this stuff up…" Jory said. She finished off her coffee and checked the time on her phone. Twenty minutes until she had to be at the shop.

  "He took you to his prom?"

  "Uh, yeah. He was seventeen. Seventeen years old."

  "Is that legal?" Andy raised an eyebrow.

  "Well, he lied on his dating profile. I had no idea!"

  "How old did he think you were?"

  "He knew I was twenty-two. I was honest. His parents on the other hand… turned out he had told them that I was his high school girlfriend and we had been dating for two months. His mother was certain we would get married."

  "So… you gonna try again?"

  "Not a chance. Two in a row?"

  "Yeah, but what are the chances you'd have three bad dates in a row? Statistically, it's highly improbable that you won't find at least one good guy out of three. Right?"

  "I don't know… dating is hard."

  "I know, but you can't give up now. What if three is your lucky number?"

  Jory sighed in resignation. He was right, but that did not make her happy. "I guess. Can't get any worse, right?"

  Andy's smile was reassuring and she felt somewhat better. She reached for her purse and stood. "I'm gonna head to work."

  "Same time Monday?" he asked as he picked up her mug and his to take back to the kitchen.

  "Why not?"

  CHAPTER THREE

  THE SOUND OF THE BELL ON THE COFFEE SHOP door jolted through Jory like any loud noise would jolt a war veteran. That was it. Post-traumatic stress.

  Three dates. Three disasters.

  There was no way she was letting Andy talk her into trying again. And Olivia would just have to relent and give Jory the stupid password to close her eTruLuv account. She was not doing this again. Period.

  Andy waved at her when she walked through the door, then pointed to the corner chair. Taped to the back there was a sign with big, bold letters: RESERVED. The place was only half full, so there was a good chance her seat would have been open that morning, but it sure was a nice gesture. Jory offered a grateful smile and settled into her seat. There was a short line at the counter, so she decided to relax a minute before ordering. No rush. She was off today.

  Probably a good thing. After Sunday afternoon's date, she was gonna need the day to decompress… and buy new shoes.

  "You ready to order?" Andy asked from his place behind the espresso machine.

  Jory nodded and got up, set her jacket on the chair to hold her spot, and sidled up to the counter to get her coffee.

  "You ready for it?" She raised an eyebrow.

  He lifted his notepad and pen. "Shoot."

  "Quad grande breve with caramel sauce. Two pumps of white mocha and whipped cream—" Jory began.

  "Extra hot, extra stirred," Andy finished for her.

  "Exactly," she said and handed him her punch card. "Free one today."

  "Sweet." He accepted the card and tapped a few keys on the register to cancel out her order. "Any other good news to share?" The espresso machine whirred behind him as he squirted two pumps of white mocha into her cup.

  "If you're asking how my date went yesterday, I would have to answer with a resounding no."

  "Sounds like I need to take my break." Andy smiled and stirred her coffee with a tiny wire whisk. "I'll meet you in the corner."

  True to his word, in another minute, they were lounging in their favorite corner, and Jory was holding a bright red mug filled with the nectar of the gods topped with a lop-sided foam heart.

  "I think you're getting better at these." Jory put the cup to her lips and slurped the foam off the top, turning his artwork into something reminiscent of Picasso's handiwork.

  "Thanks. It is amazing what ten thousand chances to practice will do for one's foam art skills."

  "No doubt." She took another sip and destroyed all evidence there had been something purposely etched into her coffee.

  "Okay, before you start, was this guy at least a legal adult?"

  Jory kicked her foot at him, but he moved at the last second and she caught the corner of the coffee table instead.

  "Ouch! Yes. He was an adult. Jerk face."

  "He was an adult jerk face?"

  "No. I mean, yes. He totally was. But I was talking about you. Didn't your mother teach you you're not supposed to rub it in when someone is suffering?" Just talking to Andy made Jory feel better. He seemed to have a way about him that set her at ease, and he could make her laugh in spite of how upset these dates had made her.

  "My mother died when I was seven." His puppy dog eyes made him seem so forlorn and sad.

  Jory's heart dropped to her toes. She had really put her foot in her mouth that time. Poor guy. Why was she so stupid?

  "I-I'm so sorry, Andy," she began, trying to make it better but knowing there was nothing she could say to fix it.

  "Nah, I was just kidding. I saw her for dinner yesterday. She says hi, by the way, and wants you to call her Mom."

  Jory
could feel the blush burning her cheeks. Settling her fiercest glare on him, she sipped her coffee and let him feel her wrath. "Ha. Ha. Ha."

  Andy threw his head back and laughed. The sound warmed her, and she couldn't help but smile, though she tried to cover it with her mug.

  "All right, all right. I'm sorry," Andy said, lifting his free hand in feigned surrender. "I gotta have a little fun with you. I mean, if you can't laugh at the situation, what can you do, right?"

  "Yeah, I guess." She managed to give him what she thought was her most intimidating evil eye over the rim of her cup and took another drink of her coffee.

  "Let's hear the latest episode in the saga," he said, settling back into the overstuffed chair.

  "Okay, but no laughing." It was in vain, she knew, but at least the warning was on record.

  "I promise to keep all comments to the end."

  It was probably the best she could hope for under the circumstances.

  This guy was a piece of work from the start.

  I don't even know how he got through my filter on eTruLuv, if you want to know the truth. But somehow he did. And Sunday afternoon he met me at the park on Dooley by the fountain. That's where I go every Sunday afternoon, to walk and take pictures of the scenery. Photography is kind of a hobby of mine.

  Since I wasn't working yesterday, I thought that would be the next best place to meet a blind date. We arranged to meet at 2:30 at the blue bench on the south end of the fountain.

  About 2:55, I started to wonder if I'd been stood up. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened, of course, but it never gets any easier. I had just decided to get my grocery shopping done instead, when a lanky guy on a mountain bike rolled to a stop right in front of me, mere centimeters from my left sandal and vulnerable, exposed toes. He had long, sandy blond hair, pulled back in a scraggly ponytail and a No-Shave November thing going on his face… in February. He wore an acid-washed t-shirt that looked like it had seen better days and spandex bike shorts.

  Don't ask. Just… don't.

  "Yo." He nodded his head like he was acknowledging my presence. "You Jory?"

  I hesitated. Should I admit who I was or use the opportunity to dodge my fate?