Don't Ask, Don't Tell

by M. T. Pope

  I sat on the other end of the couch, crossing my legs. I folded my arms just to rub them from being so cold.

  “Don’t ask me to turn on the heat, because I’m not. I have an extra pair of gloves over there if you need them.”

  “No, I don’t need them, Momma, but I will never understand why you won’t just turn on your heat and air. I told you that I would help you, but you continue to make this about money and it’s not.”

  She ignored me and kept flipping through the photo album. “What are you looking at?” I asked, changing the subject.

  She didn’t raise her head. “What does it look like?”

  “Pictures. But any in particular?”

  “Nope. Just looking.”

  I scooted sideways, moving a little closer to her. She quickly shot me down. “What is it, Sky? Why are you here?”

  I looked down at my finger that used to have my ring. Less than a month ago, I removed it and took it to a pawn shop. “Yesterday was supposed to be my wedding day, but as you may already know, that didn’t happen. I just wanted to talk to you about that, and a few other things.”

  “Well, I figured you would never get married, and I guess Aaron had finally shown his true colors. I told you he wasn’t for you. Maybe a man would be happy to have him, but not you.”

  I slightly cocked my head. “Huh? How did you know Aaron wasn’t straight? Did he say something ... anything to you? I mean, I dated the man for four years and didn’t know he was like that.”

  Momma looked up at me. “Vice versa. He didn’t have you figured out either, did he?”

  “I guess he didn’t. It was time wasted on both of our parts, but you live, learn, and move on.”

  “Some of us do, some of us don’t. It only works out for us if we live the way God wants us to live. If you’re not, Sky, many hard lessons will follow.”

  “You know I have a different take on the way God wants us to live, and I’ve tried to touch this subject before with you and failed. I’m not here to do it again, but I do want you to know that I’m happy being me, Momma. At first, I was very uncomfortable with myself. But yesterday, I realized that I have to start living for me, and forgetting about what everyone else thinks. I love you, and I always want to be a part of your life, but if you don’t want that, tell me. Tell me and I will never come here again. This rejection from you hurts so badly, and I don’t want to continue to subject myself to it.”

  Momma didn’t answer. She held up a picture, squinted, then put on her glasses so she could see. “Is this you and Kate in the garage, or you and your cousin, Carol? My eyes are getting so bad and sometimes I can barely see anything.” She passed the picture over to me. I looked at it.

  “It’s me and Kate. We had just come from church and were in the garage, trying to start Daddy’s car.”

  “I thought so. You know she ... Kate and my grandbabies moved to Texas. Ray been running over here looking for them, but he’ll never get me to tell him shit. There are times that I want to go back there to get my rifle and blow his head off. But after all I’ve been through, a man like Ray will never have me sitting in no jail cell. I told Kate to stay right where she’s at, and if he never sees them again, too bad.”

  “Well, I’m glad everything is working out for her. I can’t believe she moved without saying good-bye, and I regret what happened between us.”

  Momma held another picture up high, looking at it. “Yep, she told me. She was very disappointed to find out that you’re a lesbian, and to be frank, so am I. I don’t get that lifestyle—never have, never will.”

  “But I do get it, Momma. I don’t know why it’s so hard for you and Kate to accept, but you’re entitled to feel the way you wish. Just don’t make me feel like an outcast, or like I’m so dirty or something. I just happen to love women way more than I do men.”

  “I can’t speak for Kate, but I will never accept it. I accepted it for a long time and look where it got me.”

  I scratched my head, wondering what Momma was talking about. She hadn’t accepted anything from me. “I don’t know what you’re saying, but you haven’t accepted—”

  She snapped her head up and gritted her teeth. “From that no-good-ass father of yours. He was gay ... on the downlow or whatever you want to call it. Made my life a living hell, running around with his men on the side and neglecting his family. I did my best to make things work between us, tried everything I could to get him to love me, but nothing changed. Eventually, I gave up and let him have his men. So, no, Sky. I’m not going to accept you flaunting your woman around and thinking it’s okay. For me, it’s not.”

  I sat speechless as soon as Momma started to talk. As I looked back on it, it all made sense as to why I had rarely seen my parents show any type of affection toward each other. Sleeping in separate rooms, and him barely ever being here ... It all made sense. But that was then and this was now. I couldn’t help who I’d become.

  “I’m sorry to hear all of this now, Momma, and had I known, it would have helped me understand things a little better. I didn’t know what was going on with the two of you and I do get why my situation makes you so angry. I’m not going to force you to accept my lifestyle. But I am your daughter and I hope you love me no matter what.”

  “This has nothing to do with love. I’m your mother and I protected you, didn’t I? At least now you don’t have to be married to Aaron and go through what I did. The moment I saw him, I knew something wasn’t right with him. I could sense it right away, but was surprised that you couldn’t. I’m not going to say much more about this, but your father died of AIDS, Sky. I got myself tested, and luckily, I’ve been okay. Be sure to get yourself tested, and if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t encourage you to do that.”

  Utter shock was written all over my face. What Momma had said explained so much to me, and shame on Daddy for putting her through so much. If anything, he should have just left. It would have been easier for her if he moved on without us. I was feeling even better about not marrying Aaron, and I couldn’t imagine being in a situation like Momma was, feeling less of a woman and feeling as if there was no way out. The reason Momma didn’t want any of the money my father had left was because she referred to it as dirty money. She didn’t want dirty money to pay her bills, so she made it the best way she could.

  For the next hour or so, Momma and I looked through the pictures, laughing and trying to remember when many of them had been taken. We hadn’t talked like this in years, and it was such a good feeling inside to have this conversation with her. She now knew where I stood, and I knew where she stood as well. Whether she would ever accept me, and whoever I ultimately choose to end up with, I wasn’t sure. This was a start for us, and a good one at that.

  Chapter 9

  Time apart makes the heart grow fonder, and in my case, it did. I’d been living my life as a gay female, but was truly missing Lela. It had been nearly seven months since I’d last seen her, but the feelings I still had seemed like she was just in my arms yesterday. I wasn’t sure if anything had happened to her, but I often followed the news and the papers that gave praises to fallen soldiers. Wherever she was in this world, she was surely missed and definitely loved.

  Meanwhile, I had dated a few other women from time to time. None made me feel as special as Lela had, but that could have been because she was my first experience. I had gotten along with some of the other women, but held back because I wasn’t ready for anything serious.

  Getting ready for a date with Faith, a beautiful lady I’d been seeing for two months, I plucked my brows while looking in the mirror. Once I finished, I put on my polk- dot red and white dress and black belt that tightened at my waist. Jessica Simpson’s Francesca pumps covered my feet and they were worth every penny. Checking myself in the mirror, I touched my flat stomach and smiled at the shapely curve on my backside. Surely, and like always, many men would approach me, but I was proud to say that this body was made for women. I snatched up my purse, hurrying to make it to dinne
r on time. It was Faith’s thirty-second birthday, and I didn’t want to be late. She’d been so nice to me, and to be honest, we seemed like the best of friends. We hadn’t been intimate yet, but had kissed each other from time to time. After tonight, I was sure that would change. Our conversation this week led me to believe so, when Faith said she was dying to see me naked. I felt the same way about her, and smiled as I got out of my car to go inside of Culpepper’s in the Central West End.

  I spotted Faith sitting at the long wooden bar that had several TVs behind it. For a Friday night, we were lucky to get seats, and thanks to Faith for saving me one next to her. I walked up from behind her as she was staring at the TV. My lips went up to her ear, and I whispered, “Hello.”

  Faith smiled and stood to greet me. She was several inches taller than I was, and had a figure that would stop any man or woman in their tracks. The jeans she wore looked as if they were melted on her skin and her gray low-cut blouse squeezed her breasts together, making them bigger than what they were. Her short hair, to me, was gorgeous. It was almost shaved bald, but lined to perfection. Someone at a table behind us whistled, and when we turned, there were several men sitting there, smiling. We waved, but sat at the bar to enjoy each other’s company.

  “I am so glad you’re here,” Faith said. “They have been at it for the past twenty minutes. Ughh.”

  We laughed and Faith sipped from her drink. “Twenty minutes. I thought you said seven o’clock? You must have gotten here early.”

  “I did. Came as soon as I got off work. I stopped at the bookstore to waste some time, then looked at some necklaces at the jewelry store.”

  “You should have called to tell me you were ready. I would have come sooner. I wanted to give you time to get off work and get settled. Anyway,” I said, digging into my purse. I pulled out a nicely wrapped pink and white package with a yellow bow. I handed it to her. “Here you go. Happy Birthday and many more.”

  Faith showed her pearly white teeth and opened the package. She pulled out a necklace, earrings, and bracelet set I had gotten her from Charming Charlie, one of her favorite places. I’d seen her glowing as she looked at it last week when we were shopping.

  “Oh, my, God! This is exactly what I wanted. Thank you, Sky, thank you so much!”

  She leaned forward to kiss me. I hesitated not one bit as we smacked lips together. We heard someone clear their throat, and when we turned, it was one of the men. He gestured with his finger, pointing to Faith and then to me. He crossed his fingers, asking if the two of us were “together.”

  “Yes,” we shouted together and laughed. He threw his hand back and all we could do was shrug. I ordered us some drinks and wings, and we toasted to her birthday.

  “How old did you say you were again, old lady?” I teased.

  “Thirty-two is not old, so don’t put that old lady mess on me. So, here’s to me. May I live as long as I can, be as happy as I want to be, and find that happiness with whomever I wish.”

  “I will drink to that.”

  We clinked our glasses together, drinking as much as our bellies could handle that night. Ready to go back to my penthouse, I paid the bartender and we stood side by side, hugging each other.

  “What a waste,” one of the men said. “But I damn sure would like to be headed where they are tonight.”

  He commented loudly enough for us to hear, and as tipsy as we were, I couldn’t help myself. “Would you like to come with us?” I asked the man.

  He was surprised by what I’d said, and pointed to his chest. “Who, me?”

  “Yes, you. You’re the one who wants to see what we’re about to get into tonight, don’t you?”

  “That’s if you’ll let me. I got a feeling that you’re just pulling my leg, but it sure as hell would be nice.”

  “It will be,” I said. “With or without you. Maybe next time.”

  The man smiled and they all eyed us as we sashayed toward the front door, still hugging. When we got outside, I asked Faith to leave her car and ride with me. I hated driving at night alone, and it was always best to be on the safe side. She agreed, so we made our way down Euclid Boulevard. I stuck my hand in the back of Faith’s pocket and she held my waist. She pinched it to make me laugh.

  “I hate when you do that,” I said, lying to myself, as I really loved it.

  She kept squeezing my waist until she got me to laugh. “Stooop,” I teased as we made our way to my car. But as we neared it, my steps were halted. Faith stopped in her tracks, and when she looked in the direction of my eyes, that’s when she saw a woman standing by my car, who was Lela. No smile was on her face. She was dressed in black jeans that bulged at the bottom and were tucked into her rubber boots. A white V-neck tee tightened around her breasts and a black army cap was on her head, covering her long hair that was in a ponytail.

  “Who is that near your car?” Faith asked.

  “A friend,” was all I said as I slowed my pace. Yes, I was happy to see Lela, but her timing was way off. Since Faith and I seemed to be connecting, I didn’t know yet if Lela would remain in my past, as I, obviously, had been put on the back burner by her.

  I stepped up to my car and she stepped away from it. “Hi, Lela,” I said, showing little enthusiasm. “This is Faith.”

  Lela extended her hand and Faith reached out to shake it. “Hello. Nice to meet you,” Lela said, but immediately turned to me. “You got a minute? If not, I understand.”

  I didn’t want to disrespect Faith, but I was very interested in what Lela had to say. Still, her timing was off. I looked at Faith and when she shrugged her shoulder that’s when I turned to Lela. “Only a few minutes,” I said. “But that’s it.”

  Lela stepped a few feet away from the car, and I followed. This time, Faith stood by my car and waited. Lela looked me up and down before she smiled. “You look nice. Beautiful. I just had to see you and let you know that I was home. Don’t know for how long, but you already know how it is.”

  “Yeah, I do, Lela. Here one minute, gone the next. Why haven’t I heard from you?”

  “Because I’ve had a lot going on, that’s why. Too much to talk about right now, but if you’d stop by later to see—”

  I quickly cut her off. “No. I’m not coming by later. Been there, done that. Besides, as you can see, I have plans. And how did you know I was here? Have you been following me?”

  “Not necessarily following you, but observing you. I’ve only been home for one day, so don’t think I’m around here stalking you or anything like that.”

  I cut my eyes, thinking about how uncomfortable I was when Aaron told me he’d been keeping his eyes on me. It wasn’t a good feeling, and I didn’t like being watched.

  Lela looked over at Faith and gave her head a nod. “Is that your woman? I see you’re very open about your relationships now. I’m glad to see you finally being you.”

  “She’s not my woman, but we’re good friends. I am being me now, and it doesn’t involve me creeping behind closed doors with a married woman who’s afraid to admit that she’s gay too.”

  Lela cut her eyes at me. “I guess that’s fair, but it’s not like that anymore. But if you don’t want to hear how it is, like I said, I understand.”

  I paused before answering. “Sure, let’s hear it. Tell me how it is now.”

  This time, she paused and swallowed. “It’s like this. I can’t stop thinking about you, and I ... I love you.”

  I slightly pursed my lips. “Is that what you wanted to say? And if so, I sure as hell couldn’t tell.”

  “I told you I wanted to tell you like it is. I’ll say it again... I love you.”

  “Forget it. I don’t want to hear it. Not now, not never. It’s time to move on, Lela, and I’ve made so much progress with my life these past several months. I don’t want to look back and doing so will do more harm than good.”

  Lela stood silent for a moment, then took another hard swallow. She was so good at not showing any emotions, so it was hard for m
e to figure out what was really going on inside. As I stood there trying to figure her out, she stepped forward and kissed my cheek. “Good-bye, Sky. Take care.”

  She walked off, crossing the street and putting her hand out to slow a moving car. The car slowed down and Lela jogged across the street to the other side. When she was out of sight, I walked back over to my car to apologize to Faith, who seemed just a little irritated.

  “What was that all about?” she asked.

  “It’s a long story, and one day I promise to tell you about it.”

  We got in the car, and I did what I did best ... changed the subject. Faith and I started talking about everything but Lela. I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t on my mind. Actually, I pretended to be interested in everything Faith was saying, but had not heard one word. I was so out of it, and when we got back to my penthouse, and were getting ready to have sex, I couldn’t get with it. I had a dying urge inside of me to know what brought Lela to say those words to me. What made her come to me after all of this time, and did she, indeed, really love me? I knew how I still felt about her, but why take steps forward, only to get pushed back? I continued to struggle with what to do, and as Faith was massaging my breasts, I removed her hand.

  “What a minute, Faith,” I said, moving away from her on the couch. I sat up straight and touched my forehead. “I’m so sorry to say this to you, but better now than later. The woman you saw tonight is someone I have some very strong feelings for. She’s been out of my life for a while now, and I don’t even know if a relationship between us is possible. But I don’t want to start something with you tonight that I may not be able to finish.”

  Faith’s face fell flat and she looked extremely disappointed. She reached for her shirt to cover her breasts. “So, are you asking me to leave? It’s my birthday, Sky, and this is really a big diss, don’t you think?”