Nowhere Left to Hide (The Royal Trilogy Book 3)

by Kat Mizera

  I was still so angry and I had to come to terms with it so it didn’t consume me.

  My phone buzzed and I glanced down at a message from Sandor.

  Loco: You’re about to have company. Don’t be afraid. And try not to smack him again. But if you must, you have my blessing.

  I frowned and looked up in time to see someone come around the corner. Even with the warning, my heart rate kicked up a notch, but I knew who it was. The shape of his body. The way he moved. His mouth, even covered by a goatee. It was still Erik. And smacking him was truly the last thing on my mind right now.

  10

  Erik

  I came around the side of the house slowly, watching Casey’s body language carefully. I was a little leery, but if she needed to hit me again, I’d take it, because I deserved everything she dished out and more. But I was far more worried about her state of mind. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her again. It wasn’t healthy for any of us and this visit was supposed to be about making things better, not worse. Even though I truly had no idea what I could do to fix things between us.

  “Casey?” I called out softly, pausing at the bottom of the stairs that led up to the deck.

  She stared at me for a moment and then made a motion with her hand. “Come on up.”

  I walked toward her gradually, my heart thundering against my rib cage. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been this nervous but she was still my everything and the thought that she might hate me, that she wouldn’t forgive me for what I’d done, was probably the only thing in the world that terrified me.

  “Hi.” I settled on the step next to her, noting she wasn’t looking at me, her gaze firmly on the horizon.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked.

  “I owe you a lot of explanations.”

  “You do.”

  “I don’t even know where to start.”

  “I can’t help you with that.”

  “I know.” I rested my forearms on my thighs and stared out at the setting sun. “I just… Do you think I could touch you?”

  She shivered, despite the eighty-degree heat, but nodded.

  I reached for her hand, waiting for her to move. Her fingers slowly threaded with mine and my sigh of relief was probably visible.

  She still wasn’t looking at me so I brought our linked hands to my lap and rested my other hand on her arm.

  “I’m not sure I have the right words to make you understand how sorry I am,” I said at last. “But if nothing else, you have to know everything I’ve done has been to protect you. Even if I was wrong, even if it’s not the choice you would have made, I hope you believe that the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you.”

  She turned, ever so slowly, her blue eyes meeting mine. “But you did hurt me. So much I still can’t breathe when I think about you dying. So much that even ten years later, I still hadn’t gotten over it. So much that I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.”

  I closed my eyes, guilt rocketing through me for what felt like the hundredth time. “I can’t undo what I did,” I said quietly. “I was terrified for you and the baby, and if you’ve kept up at all with what’s happening in Limaj, it was for good reason. I can and will apologize as many times as you think is necessary, but I won’t lie to you: If I had the choice to do it all again, I would probably make the same decision.”

  She snatched her hand away and glared at me. “Seriously? Knowing how much you’ve hurt me, how losing you almost destroyed me, you would do it again? You’re a hot fucking mess.” She got up and stalked into the house.

  Great. Now what? Did I follow or wait?

  I’d just gotten to my feet when she came back out, her wine glass full, and she sank into a chair by the pool so I sat across from her.

  “I’m pretty sure anything I say is going to come out wrong. Why don’t you just tell me what you’re feeling? How angry you are, how hurt, everything you want to get off your chest.”

  She snorted. “That would take about a hundred years.”

  “A condensed version then?”

  “Believe it or not, I’m not stupid. I understand intellectually what you did and why. Yes, we were worried about the baby because—oh, and by the way, yes of course I follow what happens in Limaj—your cousin is an absolute lunatic. But we were supposed to be a couple, partners in love and life and everything else. You making unilateral decisions without my input was unacceptable, both then and now. The idea that you let me suffer… I’m still so angry about this.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “That’s not enough.”

  “What else can I say?”

  “I don’t fucking know. I’m angry. I missed you so much but I can’t even enjoy you being back because of how much you hurt me.”

  “I had to protect you. Casey, if he’d killed you, or god forbid, the baby… I can’t even think about that. I don’t know what I would have done.”

  “I know that. I even understand it. I would have understood the need for you to disappear, but you owed me an explanation, at least the chance to say goodbye. Letting me think you were dead—that was cruel as fuck.”

  “How would you have ever moved on knowing I was out there somewhere? I wanted you to live again, fall in love again, be happy… I thought you had.”

  “I have to walk,” she said, abruptly getting up. “I can’t sit still another minute.”

  She held out her hand to me and I took it in surprise, following her down the steps and onto the sand. She led me toward the water and stopped as we got close to the shore.

  “Hang on,” I said, kicking off my running shoes and socks and tossing them far enough back that they wouldn’t get swept up in the water.

  She waited patiently as I rolled up my jeans and then she took my hand again and we walked along the shore in silence, water curling up on our toes as the sun slipped further behind the horizon. She seemed to be deep in thought and though she was stiff, a little cold even, her fingers were wrapped so tightly with mine I wasn’t sure I could have dislodged them if I tried.

  “What happens now?” she asked as darkness fell and lights from the beach houses guided us back in the direction from which we’d come.

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “Nothing has changed.”

  She laughed but there was no humor in it. “Give me a break. Everything has changed. Like your wife sleeping with my husband.”

  I winced. “I had no idea about that, but it’s different for me because our marriage wasn’t…real.”

  “Then what was it?”

  “A marriage of convenience. We worked and lived together and then we adopted Leni—”

  “If you didn’t want to be together, why the hell would you adopt a kid?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “I’ll bet.”

  “There’s never been anything between Liz and me.”

  “You’re married.”

  “We are, legally, but not in any other way.”

  “What the hell does that mean?”

  I stopped walking and faced her. “Just what I said. We’re not married in the biblical sense. We never consummated the marriage. There hasn’t been anyone since you, physically or otherwise.”

  If I’d been looking for a way to get her to forgive me, I’d never dreamed it would be my celibacy. But her eyes widened and then tears came out of nowhere, spilling down her cheeks as she stared at me.

  “You haven’t…” Her voice caught and she dipped her head. “But it’s been eleven years.”

  “Eleven years and eight months since the last time I made love to you. I have the days written down somewhere but don’t know them off the top of my head.”

  “But...” Her voice was a ragged whisper and she dropped her head to my chest. “But I have.”

  “Of course you have, sweetheart.” I wrapped one arm around her. “You thought I was dead. The difference is that I knew you weren’t.”

  “Excuse me, Ms. Hart.” A man approached us and I insta
ntly reached for the revolver I’d stuffed in the back of my jeans. “I’m with Westfield Security—Joe sent me. Password is Loco.”

  She relaxed against me. “Yes, what is it?”

  “There’s someone following you. I think it’s the press, but it’s probably best if you go back inside until I can assess the situation.”

  “I’ve got her.” I grabbed her hand again and gently tugged her back toward the house, the security guard jogging ahead of us.

  “I need to call Loco,” she said once we were inside. “Verify this guy.”

  I nodded.

  Shit. This was just what we needed. We’d always had so much privacy in Greece, it never occurred to me the press would be staking out her house. She was a huge star now, though, unlike the rising star she’d been eleven years ago. She was big news and there were already rumors of Jayson’s infidelity, so it made sense she would be watched. And now, if they had pictures, I was going to be on somebody’s radar. I looked a lot different, but there would be scrutiny on anyone she was involved with, which wasn’t good for any of us.

  11

  Casey

  I was a little overwhelmed at the moment, Erik’s bombshell coupled with the fact that someone was watching us sending me into a bit of a tailspin. My emotions were already raw from everything that had happened in the last week, and this was yet another blow I wasn’t prepared for.

  He’d gone eleven years without sex.

  He’d stayed faithful to me even when he’d thought he would never see me again.

  He still fucking loved me.

  Everything else fell to the wayside as the enormity of this realization hit me. Somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind, I’d been sure he couldn’t possibly love me after all this time, but now that I knew he returned my feelings, it was as terrifying as it was incredible. There were so many things we needed to talk about, decisions to make, eleven years of our lives to catch up on, but everything was mired in doubt because when it was all said and done, nothing had changed.

  Anwar would still want to kill him if he found out Erik was alive. No one could know that Luke was his son. And if anyone found out we were together again, I could become a target.

  Temporarily putting all of that aside, I called Sandor.

  “Everything okay?” he asked automatically.

  I told him what had happened.

  “Shit.” He huffed out a breath. “Well, Xander can be trusted, so just do as he says and make sure you lock up. I’ll be there in five days.”

  “I’m fine,” I told him. “Talk soon.”

  I disconnected and shut the sliding glass doors, locking them and drawing the shades.

  “I don’t usually close anything here,” I told Erik, “but I guess tonight we have to.”

  “Do you want me to go?”

  “Oh, shut up.” I walked into the master bedroom and closed the curtains before going into the bathroom to rinse the sand off my feet. When I was done, I went back into the great room to find Erik had closed the shutters in the kitchen and shut the doors to the currently unused bedrooms. We were sealed up pretty tight and I sank onto the couch sadly. This was where I came to relax and unwind, not to lock myself away.

  Erik sat beside me and our hands instantly moved together. This time I put my head on his shoulder and breathed him in. He smelled the same, felt the same, and a little piece of my broken soul silently mended itself. I practically felt it, as some of the tension in my body drained, leaving me weak. As if the pain of the last eleven years was slowly dissipating. It was an odd but euphoric feeling.

  His lips grazed my forehead but I didn’t move, relishing in his touch and his mere proximity. My gut told me nothing about this would be easy and that he would undoubtedly leave me again, but for this moment, I was selfish enough to want to enjoy any time I had with him.

  “You’re going to leave again, aren’t you?” I whispered.

  He closed an arm around my shoulders, though he was mindful of my collarbone. He pressed his lips to the top of my head and used his other hand to lift my chin. “I can’t put you in danger,” he whispered. “The press showing up tonight just proves how precarious our situation is.”

  “This time I think I should get a say in whatever decision we make.”

  He stroked my hair. “Absolutely. The problem is, I can’t ask you to give up everything to be with me.”

  “Why not?” I lifted my head so I could gaze into those green eyes that meant the world to me.

  “Because ‘everything’ includes your children.”

  “What?” I stared at him.

  “The only way we could ever be together would be for us to go into hiding. You couldn’t play music, or have your children with you, or anything. It would be you and me on a deserted island somewhere, making love all day and drinking out of pineapples.”

  I shook my head. “That’s not funny.”

  “It’s not, but it’s reality. We can’t openly be together without jeopardizing our safety and we can’t take your girls into hiding, not to mention Luke.”

  I sighed. “This is so frustrating.”

  “This is why I stayed dead,” he whispered. “This is why I wanted you to move on without me and do all the things you were going to do in life. Including be a great mom and a big rock star. Imagine if we’d run off together and you weren’t there for your father when he was sick.”

  “I know. But…” My voice trailed off sadly. “I don’t know if I can do this, Erik. Not again. Losing you once nearly destroyed me, but giving up my kids, well, that’s not an option either.”

  “I know. It’s an impossible choice and that’s why I would never ask it of you. But I had to talk to you, explain about Liz and me, how there’s nothing romantic or sexual between us, and apologize for what she did. With Jayson.”

  “Why would you apologize for what they did?”

  “Because she might not have slept with your husband if her own was willing to sleep with her.”

  “No, that’s not on you. Honestly, it’s the same with Jay and me. We have, of course, and…” My voice trailed off. “I feel like I should apologize for that.”

  “No. I already told you, it’s not the same. There was never any expectation of you remaining faithful to a dead man. That would be ludicrous. Seriously, don’t do that to yourself. I loved you enough to want you to be happy again.”

  “Loved?”

  He kissed the tip of my nose. “Love. Always love. That will never change. No matter what you decide or how far away you are, you are my heart, my light, my everything.”

  “God, I’ve missed you.” I buried my head in his chest but shifted uncomfortably. “Shit, this isn’t a good position for me. Can we go lie on the bed?”

  “We can do anything you want.”

  Our eyes met and I unconsciously licked my lips. How long had I dreamed of a moment like this? Of making love with him just one more time?

  We moved into the bedroom slowly. He gently removed my sling and put it on the dresser before running a hand along the shoulder on that side.

  “Does it hurt?”

  “More than I’d like to admit,” I said. “I didn’t want to take any pain meds when I’m here by myself, so I’m hurting.”

  “You’re not by yourself,” he said softly. “Why don’t you take something?”

  “And possibly pass out or forget a single moment of our time together? Not a chance. Besides, you might sneak out like a thief in the night and then I’ll have to kill you. Which will be tough with one arm out of commission.”

  He chuckled. “I’m not going anywhere. Not yet anyway.”

  I wanted to kiss him almost desperately, but part of me was afraid. Once I touched him again, I might never be able to let him go and the choice between him and my children was impossible. Even if Luke stayed with Nick full-time and the twins stayed with Jay, I still had to be part of their lives. Seeing them only on vacations and holidays wouldn’t cut it, which left me making a sacrifice I couldn’t
bear to make.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked softly. “Are you afraid of me?”

  “Afraid of you?” My eyes widened. “God, no. I’m trying to get used to the lack of hair on your head and this thing growing on your face.”

  “You don’t like it?”

  I wrinkled my nose. “I mean, it’s you, and I love everything about you regardless, but no, I liked your hair a little longer and your face clean-shaven but with an occasional bit of scruff.”

  “I can make that happen but then…”

  “I know.” I lifted a hand to my own hair. “What do you think of the shorter hair?”

  “I liked it long better.”

  We smiled together, everything suddenly natural between us again. This was how it had been before, honesty and trust and reading each other’s minds. God, I’d fucking missed him. Impulsively, I leaned up on my toes and pressed my lips to his. Oh hell, this was what I’d been afraid of—it was like coming home. He didn’t open his mouth right away, merely toyed with me, grazing my lips over and over, pressing light, almost delicate kisses on them.

  “I don’t want you to have regrets,” he whispered, his hands on either side of my face.

  “Regrets? That may be the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.”

  His eyes smoldered and then his mouth found mine with a vengeance. Slow and gentle was gone, replaced by eleven years of pent-up longing. He scooped me up in his arms, lips fused to mine, and gently set me on the bed.

  “How much do you hurt?” he asked, crawling over me but holding himself up with his arms.

  “My ribs and shoulder are really sore. I don’t think you can put any weight on me.”

  “Okay.” He sat back and pulled off his shirt and jeans.

  My mouth watered at the sight he made. He’d been in good shape a decade ago; now he was spectacular. He’d filled out even more and there was a tattoo on his hip I’d never seen before. I leaned up a little, squinting.