by Emma Darcy
“Waiting won’t make any difference to my decision. You agreed to my coming here this morning, Nicole. I’m not going away.”
“I wasn’t thinking straight last night.”
“Well, I was. And I’m thinking straight this morning, too.” He checked his watch. “It’s past seven and while you’re not delighted to see me, I think my daughter will be, so can we stop this futile argument now and keep to the agreement?”
She looked at him with an angry mixture of fear and frustration. “You don’t care, do you? It has to be your way or no way.”
“Was your way so good, Nicole?” he countered. “Keeping Zoe to yourself? Not caring if she might want her father?”
Hot colour raced into her pale cheeks. “You weren’t good for me, Quin. Why would I believe…”
“Yes, I was,” he cut in vehemently. “I was good for you or you wouldn’t have lived with me for so long. I just wouldn’t dance to your strings and I’m not going to dance to them now, either.”
He took a step closer to her, his whole body emanating the aggression she had triggered. “Let me into the house, Nicole. We do this peaceably or you’ll be facing a court order for visitation rights. You want our daughter dragged into that kind of conflict?”
She shrank back against the door, confused and frightened by the threat, not having imagined he would feel so strongly about claiming his child. But he did. The need to forge a bond with his daughter was raging through him, fuelled by the sense of having been arbitrarily deleted from being a factor in her life for the past four years. On the other hand, if he alienated Nicole too far, he wouldn’t get all he wanted.
He tempered the tumult of feeling, forcing himself to speak calmly. “Let’s move on from the past, Nicole. We have a future to build for Zoe and cooperation is a better foundation than conflict. Okay?”
Her hand fluttered to her throat as though it was too constricted to allow speech. Her eyes filled with a helpless vulnerability, as though he’d stripped her of defences and she didn’t know which way to turn.
“It will be okay. I promise you,” Quin pressed earnestly.
She scooped in a deep breath, released it in a shuddering sigh, then stepped back, pushing the door wide open to let him enter. “That’s the first really important promise you’ve made to me, Quin,” she said shakily. “I hope it will be kept.”
He stopped beside her, lifting a hand to gently cup her face and tilt it towards his, wanting her to look and see the burning sincerity in his eyes. “Let’s seal it with a kiss, Nicole.”
He didn’t wait for a verbal consent. It was enough that she kept looking at him, making no attempt to twist out of his light grasp. The need to connect with her, as well as their daughter, surged through Quin, dictating a kiss of persuasion, not possession. It was important to soothe her concerns, make her feel that he truly, deeply, cared, and the strong sexual desire she’d always stirred in him was not the one and only reason for them to come together.
For a few moments she was completely passive, letting him kiss her but not engaging in it herself. Then her inner tension collapsed and her lips moved in a tentative response, as though curious to taste what he was offering, unsure where he was going with it. Quin didn’t push for more. Gaining acceptance and making it stick had to be his primary goal this morning.
He withdrew slowly, softly brushing his lips against hers as he murmured, “A new beginning. For the three of us.”
“You’d better make the most of this time with Zoe,” she said huskily. “You know the way to her bedroom.”
It was a dismissal but not a hostile one.
Satisfied that he had made some breakthrough, albeit a small one, Quin moved on down the hall and quietly opened the door to their daughter’s bedroom, quite happy just to look at her if she was still asleep.
He hated having missed four years of her life, deprived of seeing her grow into the child she was now. He should have been familiar with her face and every expression of it. As it was, he was acutely conscious of the need to memorise it so he could call it to mind whenever he wanted.
Zoe was not asleep. She was lying on her side, gazing at the butterfly tree. Early morning sunshine was pouring through the bay window, lighting up the multicoloured wings, creating a magical sight. A child’s wonderland, he thought, giving him a quick appreciation of how loving a mother Nicole had to be. How many women would put their time into such a project?
Then Zoe caught sight of him and scrambled to sit up, a look of pure amazement breaking into a smile of absolute delight. “You came again!”
The tension he had carried into this room instantly slipped away. Deep pleasure in the artless welcome from his daughter warmed his own smile. “And I brought you a present.”
He handed her the boutique bag and sat on the bed beside her, happy to watch her surprise, her eager anticipation as she removed the tissue-wrapped glass butterfly, her look of awe when the gift was revealed.
“A Ulysses!” she cried. “How did you know I wanted this one, Daddy?”
“I didn’t know.” He was amazed she knew the name of the butterfly. “I just noticed last night that you didn’t have one on your tree.”
“I saw them on TV and I asked Mummy could I have one and she said I had to wait for a special occasion.”
“Well, this is a very special occasion,” Quin assured her.
“Yes, it is!” Zoe clapped her hands with glee. “My first day with my daddy!”
Something curled around Quin’s heart and squeezed it tight.
How many first days had there been?
The day she was born…he didn’t even know her birthday!
Her first word…
Her first step…
“Do all the butterflies on your tree mark special occasions, Zoe?” he asked, working hard at keeping his tone light and interested, belying the clawing sense of loss at having been eliminated from every significant signpost in her life.
“Mmm…” She cocked her head, considering her answer. “Most of them I got when I was sick. That was when Mummy started the tree.”
Quin frowned over this information. “Were you very sick?”
“Very, very, very sick,” she replied, nodding gravely. “I had to be in the hospital ’cause I got…” She hesitated, frowning over the name given to her malady. “Mingitis,” came the triumphant recollection.
A chill ran down Quin’s spine. “Do you mean…meningitis, Zoe?”
“Yes. That’s it!” She looked pleased with his knowledge and repeated the word with careful precision. “Men-in-gitis.”
Horror struck hard. Zoe could have died. It was probably a miracle she had survived the deadly illness. He might never have known this beautiful child had ever existed. His child…lost before he had found her.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to make you feel better,” he said, heaving a sigh to ease the ache in his chest.
“You were in your other world?”
“Yes.” He was intensely grateful for her simple acceptance of what he’d said last night. “I didn’t know what was happening to you. I wish I had known.”
“That’s all right, Daddy. You couldn’t help it.”
He would certainly help it from now on, Quin fiercely resolved.
“I was too sick to get out of bed when I was in the hospital,” Zoe went on. “Mummy said I was like a little caterpillar in a cocoon and I had to wait there until I was strong enough to be a butterfly, free to dance in the open air and feel beautiful.”
“You are beautiful.”
Her eyes shone with happiness. He wanted to pick her up and hug her tight but caution insisted not yet. It might be too soon for her to feel comfortable with it. He was still virtually a stranger to her, despite their blood relationship.
“Let’s find a place for the Ulysses on the tree,” she cried excitedly, throwing off the bedcovers and jumping onto the floor. With the glass butterfly being carefully carried in her little hands, she was halfway to the bay w
indow when she stopped, glancing back at him.
Quin hadn’t moved. He was entranced by everything about his daughter; the cute girly way she walked, the soft roundness of her arms and legs, the smooth perfection of her young skin, the black bob of thick hair somewhat awry from a night in bed.
He was smiling and she flashed him a quick smile in response before saying, “I’ve got to get Mummy. She sticks the butterflies on the tree with glue tac.”
“Right!” he approved.
“And I have to go to the bathroom,” she confessed shyly.
“We all need to do that when we first get up in the morning,” he assured her.
Relieved by his understanding, she rushed back and handed him her gift. “You mind the Ulysses until I come back.” Her big grey eyes flashed an eloquent appeal. “Don’t go away.”
“I’ll stay right here.”
“That’s good, Daddy.”
Another quick smile and she was off, pelting out of the bedroom to do what had to be done in double-quick time.
He heard her calling out to Mummy and Nanna, her high childish voice bubbling with excitement. Quin had to concede that both women had given his daughter a loving home and brought her up to be a wonderfully natural child. Even the trauma of a serious illness had not left a shadow on her life.
He probably hadn’t been missed at all.
Nobody missed what they hadn’t ever known.
Nicole was worried about his intrusion, worried about its effect on Zoe. She didn’t trust him to follow through on this initial impact. Quin realised that only time would prove her wrong, but how long was it going to take? He had already lost too much time he could never get back.
He looked down at the blue butterfly Zoe had placed in his hands as a surety against his departing before she returned. At least his daughter trusted in his word. Quin vowed she’d never have reason not to trust it. While it might be impossible to shield her from pain in her life, he would try his utmost not to be the cause of it.
And one thing Nicole could not deny—he had given his daughter pleasure this morning. Every opportunity he had, he would continue to do so. What he needed to do was set up as many opportunities as possible.
Zoe came racing back into the room, Nicole following her reluctantly despite the excited urging. “Come and see, Mummy. It’s made of glass. Show her, Daddy.”
Nicole flashed him a hard, resentful look.
Quin stood up, holding out the gift to his daughter. “You show her, Zoe. It’s yours.”
She took it carefully and turned to her mother who hadn’t wanted him to buy it, who’d refused to take it from him. He now understood Nicole’s intensely negative attitude towards it. Butterflies were too intimately connected to the life of her daughter—a life he hadn’t shared and wasn’t intended to ever share.
“I think it will be too heavy for glue tac to hold it on the tree, Zoe,” she said with a seriously concerned look on her face. “You wouldn’t want it to fall off and break.”
Quin felt himself tensing up.
Okay, he hadn’t been a part of the tree but he’d been given no choice in Nicole’s decision to keep him ignorant of his daughter’s existence. Given the chance, he would have been here for Zoe, looking after her as best he could. To deny him a place at this point in time was being deliberately obstructive to any new beginning. If she couldn’t give this much…
“But, Mummy, we have to put it on,” Zoe insisted. “It’s my first butterfly from Daddy. Could we tie it to a branch?”
Out of the mouths of babes, Quin thought, looking at Nicole to see how she would fight the challenge from their daughter.
“That would spoil the look of it, Zoe. It’s too beautiful to put string around it. Why don’t we just put it on the windowsill and pretend it’s fluttered down to rest there?”
Zoe swung around to face the bay window and study the position. After a few moments she walked over and carefully placed the Ulysses on the sill, then stood back to gauge the effect. She slowly shook her head. “It’s not the same as being on the tree, Mummy. It looks lonely down there.”
The outcast, Quin thought grimly.
“Well, maybe your father will buy more in the future to keep it company,” Nicole answered, her eyes glittering a fierce challenge at him.
“This won’t be a one time thing, Zoe,” he quickly assured her, also notifying Nicole he was not about to go missing in the future. “But if you want the Ulysses on the tree, I’ll buy a silver chain to tie it on and make it shine even more beautifully. How about that?”
Her little face lit up with delight. “Oh, that would make it very special, Daddy!”
“Right!” He didn’t care how much Nicole might resent it. In fact, seizing opportunity rather than waiting for it seemed a very good idea. “I’ll bring the chain with me on Saturday morning and if it’s okay with your mother, we could spend the whole day together.”
“Mummy?” Zoe cried expectantly.
Nicole forced a smile for her daughter. “Okay. Now I think you should get dressed and go and have the breakfast Nanna is preparing for you.”
“Can Daddy have breakfast with me?” she asked eagerly.
“No, your father has to go to work. That’s why he’s wearing a suit. It was very good of him to come this morning especially to see you. Have you thanked him for his gift?”
“Oh, no, I haven’t!” Zoe looked at him, appalled at having forgotten to do so.
Seizing opportunity again, Quin smiled encouragingly and held out his arms to her. “How about a hug and a kiss?”
She flew at him in happy relief. Quin lifted her up against his shoulder and her little arms wound around his neck as she planted a big wet kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, Daddy. I love my Ulysses.”
It was said with such fervour, Quin felt his heart turn over. It was all he could do to control his embrace and not squeeze her too tightly. This beautiful child was his and he didn’t want to let her out of his possession. Then he caught sight of the pained look in Nicole’s eyes and knew that pushing this visit any further would be counter-productive to holding the ground he’d already taken.
“I’m glad it’s very special for you, Zoe,” he murmured, his voice husky with pleasure. “I’ll come again on Saturday.”
“Don’t get lost in your other world again, will you, Daddy?”
“No. Now that I’ve found you, there’s no chance of that happening.”
“Good!”
She grinned happily at him and he grinned right back as he set her down on her feet. “Better do what Mummy says. Bye for now, Zoe.”
“You won’t forget the silver chain?”
“I’ll go shopping for it at lunchtime today. You work out where you’d like to hang the Ulysses on the tree, and we’ll do it first thing on Saturday morning.”
She sighed her contentment.
“Be a good girl for Mummy,” he said in parting.
“I will. Bye, Daddy.”
Nicole accompanied him out of the bedroom in tightlipped silence, shutting the door behind them. As they walked down the hall, Quin asked, “Do you have any photo albums of Zoe’s life so far?”
“Yes,” came the curt, uninviting answer.
“I’d like to see them,” he pressed.
“I’ll bring them with me on Friday night.”
Not letting them out of her possession.
“Thank you. And thank you for Zoe, too, Nicole. She’s a wonderful child.”
“Yes, she is.”
It was said so vehemently, he could hear the unspoken words—And you’d better not change that, Quin Sola!
They stepped out on the front porch and Nicole halted by the front door. “Don’t start spoiling her with what your money can buy, Quin,” she warned.
He nodded. Money was the big issue between them. Quin realised they could not truly make a new beginning until he’d addressed Nicole’s perception of him.
“We’ll have a lot to talk about on Friday night,” he said
, locking eyes with her. “Whatever you feel I did or didn’t do in the time we lived together, you’ve paid me back with a vengeance, Nicole, withholding my child from me all these years.”
She flinched at the hit, then lifted her chin defiantly. “It was for the best.”
“We’ll never know, will we? Just don’t forget the photo albums. That would be inflicting serious injury on top of insult.”
He left her with those words.
There was a lot to be organised and achieved before Friday night.
CHAPTER TWELVE
NICOLE had not heard from Quin since Tuesday morning, not by telephone nor by e-mail. She arrived at his apartment at eight o’clock on Friday evening, not knowing what to expect from him, trying not to expect anything but the usual sex-fest that characterised their nights together.
This was the thirteenth night, and while she wasn’t superstitious, Nicole could not shake an ominous feeling about it. The deal was still on but the limits of the situation had changed with Quin’s knowledge of Zoe and his determination to be a father to their daughter.
A new beginning…but a new beginning to what?
Was Quin capable of making the future different to the past?
She was carrying a much larger bag than usual, having brought the photo albums he’d requested and her grip on its handles was so tight, her nails were digging into her palm as she waited for the door to open. It hurt to let Quin into the years that had belonged to her and Zoe. She felt she was giving up too much too soon. If he didn’t keep his promise…
The door opened.
Her heart skittered nervously as she came face-to-face with Quin again. He beamed her a welcoming smile which she couldn’t return. The turbulence in her mind and stomach overrode any normal civility.
“Come on in,” he said warmly. “There’s someone here I want you to meet.”