by Claire Adams
If I did as Alice said, where did that leave me, though? My first option was to convince myself that I had gotten everything that I could have wanted out of that relationship. But that was clearly not something I could do. Even if I met someone else today, someone who was perfect for me, I was always going to wonder if Kylie and I could have been something more for one another.
The sex had been great, but it wasn't just about that. She and I had been best friends for a long time, and there was a reason for that. We operated on similar wavelengths. No, I couldn't convince myself that a week of sex with Kylie was all that I wanted.
So that left the second choice: accepting the fact that the trip, or in this case, the relationship, wasn't over yet.
And that was true, in actual fact. I may have cut short our road trip, and I may not have spoken to Kylie since. But that didn't mean that we weren't friends anymore. At least, I hope we're still friends.
And as long as we were still friends, it meant we still had the possibility of something more. We had never actually called it quits on our friends with benefits situation, even though we'd both agreed that it probably wasn't feasible in the real world.
Was there still the possibility that Kylie and I could get back together?
“A man like you needs to trust his instincts,” Alice told me gently, laying a hand on my wrist. But this time, it wasn't the overly familiar, flirtatious gesture from before. Instead, she seemed like an earnest friend. “Your instincts have served you well in business, haven't they?” she continued. “Why can't you trust them in your personal life as well?”
Suddenly, I had the feeling she knew I was thinking about a relationship, rather than just about my trip to Hong Kong. For a moment, I wondered how she knew. But it was probably obvious to her, with the way I was rebuffing her flirtations, that I was thinking about someone else.
“If you could give me one good tip for dating women, what would it be?” I suddenly asked her. Then, I clapped a hand over my mouth, wishing that the floor would swallow me up. “My apologies, Ms. Benton. That was very unprofessional of me to ask.”
Alice laughed. “Don't worry about it, Josh,” she said, emphasizing my name. “We're not in the office, remember?”
“Right,” I said, still feeling awkward.
But Alice seemed to be thinking over her answer to my question, her eyes introspective.
“In the end, I think all women are the same,” Alice finally said. “I know men think we're these mysterious and irrational creatures, but I don't think that's the case. All a woman ever wants is to know that you care about her. It's that simple.”
“I tried to show Kylie that I cared about her,” I said miserably. “And look where that got me.”
“Kylie is your woman back home?” Alice asked. “Girlfriend or ex?”
“Neither,” I said. “Best friend from college. We've known each other for over a decade now.”
“And you've had feelings for most of those years, but you didn't fess up about them,” Alice said perceptively. She frowned. “What kinds of things did you do, to show her that you cared?”
“She just dragged me on this road trip,” I told Alice, not sure why I was telling her this. It was totally unprofessional for me to unload on her like this, even if we all had been drinking for a few hours now, but I couldn't seem to stop the words from coming out.
I supposed it only made sense, given that I'd been thinking about Kylie for days now, almost exclusively, and hadn't had anyone to talk to about it. I'd even called up Mandy once to try to talk to her, but she hadn't answered her phone, and I hadn't had the nerve to leave a message or call her again.
“We went on this road trip, and I tried to treat her,” I told Alice. “I took her to the nicest hotels and the best restaurants. Not that Lincoln, Nebraska had that much to offer.” I laughed somewhat self-consciously. “Doesn't that show that I care?”
“Oh Josh,” Alice sighed, shaking her head. “That shows her that you have money, not that you care.”
I frowned. “But I have money that I'm willing to spend on her?” I tried.
“Unless she's a gold digger, in which case, run because you deserve better than that, she doesn't care about your money,” Alice said patiently. “Sure, money makes things easier. Girls like to go out on nice dates, and they like men who buy them flowers and pretty jewelry. But deep down, all the money in the world isn't going to make us happy, not like standing next to a good guy and knowing that he loves us.”
“Whoa,” I said, holding up both hands. “I didn't say I loved her.”
Alice rolled her eyes but didn't respond to that.
I took a sip of my beer, thinking about what Alice had said. Thinking about all the things that Kylie had said during our trip, about wanting to go back to our college days, when things were simpler. I hadn't had money back then, but she had never minded that. Maybe there was some truth to what Alice was saying.
My money had never impressed Kylie. It hadn't driven her away from me, but I needed to find something else to show that I cared about her. I frowned. “How exactly are you supposed to show a woman that you care about her?” I asked Alice.
Alice laughed. “Oh no, no cheating,” she said. “You need to be yourself, not yourself acting the way that you think you should be.” Her eyes softened. “You seem like a good guy, though, Josh. I'm sure you'll be all right.”
“Thanks, Alice,” I said, genuinely appreciative of her words. I grinned. “You know, if you ever want to come to the US, I could help you out with a job over there. Just say the word.”
Alice laughed. “I may have to keep that in mind,” she said, winking at me. “Now, if you don't mind, it looks like Ivy and Daniel are fighting again. I should go make sure it doesn't escalate.”
She excused herself, and I waved. But my thoughts were still tangled up in what she'd said. Did I still have a chance with Kylie? I shook my head, remembering how upset she'd been when I told her that I was leaving the road trip early. Despite Alice's words, that bridge was probably burned.
I took another sip of my beer and then shook my head, getting up and sneaking out of there without saying goodbye to anyone. They were all having a good night, and I didn't want to bring them down. But I didn't think I could summon the energy to continue to be cheerful that evening, now that my thoughts were sidetracked by Kylie again.
I headed back to my hotel, reasoning that it was a good idea to have an early night if I was going to be up and sightseeing early the following morning.
Chapter Thirty -Two
Kylie
I hummed under my breath as I bounced around my studio, grabbing bits and pieces for a new project that I had in mind. I'd been in a little bit of a slump lately, unable to put together ideas for new pieces, but that funk seemed to be lifting finally.
I was in the middle of some detail work on the latest project when someone cleared their throat.
I startled, dropping my tools and staring wildly around. “Andrew?” I asked. “How did you even get in here?”
“I still have a key,” Andrew reminded me.
I frowned. “I'll need to get that back from you at some point,” I said wryly.
But despite my calm outward appearance, his presence there made me nervous. I remembered what Jasmine had said at the New Year's Eve party and wondered whether I really would have to get a restraining order against him. He just couldn't seem to leave me be, and I didn't want him anywhere near me.
But for right now, I had to figure out some way to get him out of my house, preferably leaving my key behind.
“What are you working on?” Andrew asked, coming closer.
I moved to shield my work, even though I knew it was petty. He and I had never had a problem letting the other person see our half-finished works, but right now, it just felt too personal. Andrew stopped, looking affronted. I rushed to speak before he could say anything.
“What are you even doing here?” I asked him.
I felt like
a broken record, having this conversation all over again. I didn't know what his problem was, but he just couldn't seem to let this go.
“I wanted to see you,” Andrew said, taking that as an invitation to come closer to me.
Now, my options were to continue shielding my artwork from his eyes or to get away from him. I chose to get away from him, backing up.
Andrew came over to my piece and reached out to touch certain aspects of it. “This is nice,” he said, but the way he said it was utterly patronizing. He turned back to me. “I was hoping that I could take you out to dinner tonight. I think we have a lot of talking to do.”
I stared uncomprehendingly at him for a long moment. “Andrew,” I finally gritted out. “I don't love you. I'm never going to love you. Stop bothering me!”
Andrew raised an eyebrow at me. “Come on, baby,” he said. “We both know that the only real obstacle to our relationship was Josh.” He shook his head. “I still can't believe you broke up with me so that you could be with him, and I'm glad that you're okay now.”
I frowned, wondering if that was why he kept coming back. Did he want me to apologize for breaking up with him? It was worth a try if it would mean that he would leave me alone.
“You're right, Andrew,” I said, running a hand back through my hair. “It wasn't fair for me to string you along when I had feelings for someone else. But I didn't realize that I had feelings for Josh until you pointed them out. I guess I have to thank you for that.”
“Fortunately, things between the two of you are over now, which means that you're ready to come back to me, doesn't it?” Andrew asked.
“No!” I cried. “Andrew, things between Josh and I might not work out, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't have feelings for you.”
Andrew's face turned ugly with rage. “Last I heard,” he said in a low, dangerous voice. “Josh dumped you somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Nebraska, was it? All so that he could run off and complete some business deal. You haven't even heard from him since, have you?”
“He's written to me a couple times,” I said defensively.
Andrew laughed. “Not even a phone call? Clearly he cares about you.” He sneered at me. “Isn't it obvious that he cares about his money and his business reputation more than he cares about you? You don't mean anything to him. You're just some girl that he knew in college.”
Andrew's words hurt, I had to admit. Andrew didn't know anything about my relationship with Josh. Although there was a part of me that insisted he must understand more than he was letting on since he knew that I had feelings for Josh before I even did.
But for all that, Andrew didn't know the full story about Josh and me, and his words definitely hit at my darkest fears. Maybe Josh really did love his job and his money more than he loved me. What would I do if that was the case?
I swallowed hard, trying to stay composed. I couldn't let Andrew see my weakness or else he would exploit it.
“Josh is my best friend,” I reminded Andrew. “And even if he is only ever my friend, I don't want to be with you. End of story. I may not have understood my feelings when you proposed to me and I declined, but the fact remains that you proposed to me and I said no.”
“You're just upset,” Andrew crooned. “I knew I should have given you more time to get over him before I pursued you, but I was impatient. I miss you.” He sighed. “You have to realize, though. Josh is just some bourgeois, self-centered, wanna-be oligarch. He's not a good fit for a beautiful, talented, sensitive artist like you.”
“Just stop,” I said. “I don't want to hear another word about Josh come out of your mouth, or I swear, I won't think twice about getting that restraining order against you.”
I didn't know the first thing about getting a restraining order against someone, but I didn't want to hear anything else come out of his mouth about Josh. It hurt too much to hear.
Andrew took that as an invitation to change the course of the conversation, though. “You and I were perfect for one another,” he said. “It wasn't just sex, but the sex was great, too. So passionate, so fiery. Two emotional artists, both in tune with exactly what they wanted. But outside of the sex, we've always been friends, too. We might bicker, but that's only because we both care so much about each other.”
His eyes had that weird, dreamy quality to them again, and I was starting to wonder if he was more than a little unhinged. Of course, he wouldn't be the first artist to be proven certifiable.
“Get out of my house,” I finally said, pointing toward the door. I couldn't take this anymore.
“Baby, relax,” Andrew said, taking a step closer.
“Get out of my house!” I screamed. “Get out of my house! Or else, I swear to God, I'll call the cops. Don't think that I won't. And don’t you ever show up here again!”
Andrew stared at me for a long moment, and I wondered if he was going to hit me. He was angry in a way that I had never seen before.
But he visibly checked himself. He pulled my key out of his pocket and threw it on the ground in between us, where it clanged coldly against the concrete.
“You're such a sellout,” he hissed, his eyes narrowing. “You just want his money. Fancy restaurants and fancy hotels and servants to bring you breakfast in the morning. Does Josh realize it? That you're just some stupid gold digger? I bet that's why he left you.”
“I said, get out,” I said, but my voice was weaker now.
What if that was just as true as the rest of it? Maybe I hadn't protested enough about the luxurious hotels and the posh restaurants? Maybe it had been some kind of test, and Josh had left me in Nebraska because he thought I didn't care about him, just his money?
But I couldn't let Andrew see how unnerved I was by that comment. I scowled at him. “Josh and I have been friends since long before he had his money,” I said. “Josh knows that I'm not just some gold digger.”
Andrew shook his head. “If Josh and his millions weren't in the picture, I bet you'd see the truth,” he said. “You'd realize how perfect you and I are for one another. You're just enchanted by his money.”
“Get out of my house,” I repeated, one last time.
This time, Andrew nodded tersely at me and left, giving one last patronizing look at my latest sculpture piece. The door slammed shut behind him.
I stared at my sculpture for a long time, hating it with every fiber of my being even though I'd been so excited about it when I had first started the project. I marched over to the pedestal and shoved it over, listening with satisfaction as it crashed to the floor and broke into pieces.
Then, I came back into myself, staring down at the mess. I burst into tears, hating that Andrew still had this much sway over my emotions.
I wanted to call Josh, but I knew I couldn't do that. I wanted to call Mandy, but I knew she would just start asking more questions about why Josh had left the road trip early and about why I had let him leave the road trip early if I had feelings for him. No, I had to get through this on my own.
I didn't want to be the kind of woman who fell to pieces over a man, but I just didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know how to get Andrew to quit harassing me, and I knew that I had lost whatever chance I might have had to make things work out with Josh.
I sank to the floor, hiding my face in my hands as I sobbed. As upset as I was, it didn't even occur to me to question how Andrew knew that Josh had deserted me in the middle of Nebraska.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Josh
I flipped through the satellite radio stations, trying to find something that I felt like listening to. Finally, I shut the thing off, letting the quiet thrum of the highway fill my hearing. It was a nice night, and stars were already peeking out. I was following the moon on my way home.
I felt guilty for having worked so late at the office.
The feeling was entirely unfounded. It wasn't like I had anything or anyone to go home to. And it wasn't the first time I'd worked in the office until long after the sun
had set. But that didn't change how I felt.
I tried to reason it away. I was still jet-lagged from Hong Kong, where I'd ended up staying an extra two weeks, enjoying massages and fruit smoothies and warm weather. I was still a little behind on work projects, given that extended vacation. The guys at my investment firm had handled things well for me in my absence, but now I had to get caught up on all the things that they'd done over the course of the month that I'd been away.
And there was the fact that I was finding myself distracted during my days of work. No matter how much time I spent in Hong Kong, I couldn't seem to turn my thoughts away from Kylie and our debacle of a road trip. I had hardly talked to her in the month since we'd parted ways, but even that didn't stop me from thinking about her and wondering if maybe I'd screwed things up between us.
Mandy's words were stuck in my head as well, when she'd called me a coward. I was starting to realize that it had been cowardice that had led to me running away and sabotaging any chance that I might have to be with Kylie. But I didn't know how to recover from that.
I should have made my feelings clear from the start. I kept thinking about what Alice had said, about all women wanting to know that their man cared about them. I hadn't done a very good job of showing Kylie how much I cared about her. I had never told her, in so many words, that I cared about her as more than a friend. Maybe if I had, we wouldn't be where we were today.
But the main thing that I couldn't get out of my head was the other thing that Alice had said. My options were to pretend that Kylie had never meant anything to me to begin with, or else realize that the story that Kylie and I were writing together wasn't over yet.
If I wanted to know if she could forgive me, if I wanted to know if she could one day be mine, all I had to do was talk to her. All I had to do was make my intentions clear to her.
I sighed heavily. Easier said than done.
I pulled out my phone and debated calling her. But first, I should figure out what I wanted to say. Did I want to tell her over the phone that I loved her? Or did I want to suggest that we meet up for coffee, or for dinner, and tell her then? Or maybe, in the interest of showing her how much I cared about her, I needed to come up with some sort of grand gesture, something like that “Say Anything…” moment where John Cusack shows up with a boombox playing “In Your Eyes.”