by Lyra Marlowe
“Nolan!”
Chapter Twelve
John Krulak sat on the couch, silent, damp, shivering, wearing sweatpants, his arms crossed over his bare chest, miserable.
The echoes of the shower scene still tingled through his groin. It had been perfect. Perfect.
Until he snapped back to reality and bolted away from her. He wanted to grab his clothes and run out of the apartment. He was so ashamed. He was shocked at himself, shocked that she could open such doors in him. He was horrified that he could say that name, that name, while she was sucking him senseless.
He wanted to just not think about it, but the fact was, raw and simple, he had come in her mouth while screaming their friend’s name.
John wanted to run.
But it was his apartment.
Lucy finally came out. She’d combed out her wet hair and put on one of John’s old tshirts. She calmly straddled his legs, sitting on his lap.
John couldn’t even look at her.
“John.”
He shook his head.
“John,” she repeated gently. She took his face in her hands and drew him around. Then she kissed him, lips and cheeks and eyes and forehead, fluttering little kisses until he finally opened his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he blurted. It sounded impossibly lame.
“For doing what I invited you to do?” Lucy asked gently. “You scared yourself, didn’t you?”
John shook his head. “I never— I never told anybody.” He finally looked into her eyes, and what he saw there calmed him. Her eyes were darker than Nolan’s, but they held the same gentle, non-judging compassion that he’d often seen in his friend’s. “I never even used to think about…”
“Men,” she supplied easily. “Does it worry you?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I guess it hasn’t hurt my performance with women any.”
“Not a bit,” Lucy assured him when he faltered.
“It’s just, I never used to think about men, I don’t know why now, at my age.”
“You ran out of possibilities.”
“Huh?”
Lucy slid off his lap and sat on the couch beside him, her legs still draped over his thighs. “I got to a point in my life, a while back, when I’d tried pretty much everything I wanted to try with men. I still liked straight sex, a lot, but there wasn’t much that was new to try. So I turned to women.”
John blinked. “You’re bi?”
“We’re all bi. Some more, some less. Just most people never admit it.” She brushed a strand of wet hair back from John’s forehead. “You’ve been like a kid in a candy store all week, John, having me to play with. You’re sick to death of chasing skirts and missionary position. Aren’t you?”
Startled, but much calmer now, John nodded.
“You’re ready for some new horizons,” Lucy went on. “I could tell the minute I saw you.”
“And that’s why you took me back in the alley.”
Lucy nodded. “It’s a fine and rare thing to find someone who’s willing to keep up with me. You have been a fabulous lover. But if it’s men you’re looking toward now, then go for it.”
John sighed. He’d been wrestling with all these things in his head for months. Lucy explained it so simply. He could feel how right she was.
But.
He shook his head. “You may be right. But it can’t be with Nolan.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s my friend.”
“He’d still be your friend.”
“No.”
“What are you afraid of?”
John rubbed his eyes. “I’m afraid of being my father,” he muttered.
Lucy looked at him steadily. “I don’t understand.”
“My father,” he repeated, louder. “He hurt people. People he loved. Not physically, but emotionally. He cheated. On my mother. Until she left us.”
“And you’re afraid you’re just like him?”
“I’m not like him. I’m not. But I don’t…” He met her eyes. “You know Nolan. He needs someone he can trust. Especially after Kevin.”
“That asshole,” Lucy muttered. It sounded like more habit than response. “You want him, John.”
“It doesn’t matter what I want. I can’t do it. Not with Nolan.” He shook his head. “I mean, what if I start something and then I can’t go through with it? What if I chicken out? What if I’m not really into guys?”
“You don’t think Nolan would understand?”
“I don’t want to hurt him like that. And I don’t want to screw up what we have.”
“That’s exactly what he says.”
“What?”
“He wants you, John. As much as you want him. But he’s afraid to make a move because he doesn’t know you’re interested, and because he’s afraid he’ll screw up your friendship if he does.” She shook her head. “You’d be good for him, John. And he’d be good for you. But both of you are too scared and too damn stubborn to even admit the possibility.”
Lucy stood. “I’ll be gone tomorrow. And you can go back to living in your fantasies and trying to get what you want from women you don’t care about. And Nolan can go back to being alone in his own heart.” She moved close to him, touched his cheek. “Or you can both take a chance at being really happy for once in your lives.”
Chapter Thirteen
John thought about it all day.
Lucy went home in time to make breakfast for Nolan, assuming he got off shift on time, which was unlikely. John imagined her sleeping in his friend’s arms all through the afternoon. Warm, soft, cozy. Loving. He wondered if they slept naked together. Lucy would, but he wasn’t sure about Nolan. He seemed like the pajama type, whether he was alone or not.
It would be easy enough to find out.
He wanted desperately to ignore it. He wanted to pretend that he didn’t know—and hadn’t admitted to Lucy—that he wanted his friend so badly. He wanted Lucy to go home, and he wanted it all to go away. He wanted to go on lusting after Nolan in secret. He wanted Nolan to find someone new and fall in love and be happy. He wanted to grieve over his loss in absolute secrecy.
Or else, John decided, he wanted the longing to go away.
Or he wanted to move to Siberia and never see Nolan Crane again. At least that way he couldn’t hurt him.
The memory of Nolan under that truck, risking his life to save that damn dog, made it all impossible. He couldn’t forget the raw terror he’d felt. He couldn’t ignore that depth of the grief he’d experienced just imagining Nolan’s death. He couldn’t make any of that go away.
And it meant, of course, that what he felt for Nolan Crane was a lot more than lust.
“Well, of course it is, you jackass,” he muttered to himself. “If all you wanted was sex with a man, it would be easy to get. But you don’t want just any man.” This was something more. Something much more.
Something worth having. Something that would make him happy.
And if he could manage it, something that would make Nolan happy too.
But for now, it was something terrifying.
Before Lucy, he wouldn’t have considered it. He would have been sure he’d fuck it up, that he’d make Nolan more miserable than he’d been before. But Lucy thought it would be okay. Lucy thought it would be great. And she’d known Nolan a lot longer than he had. Hell, Lucy’d actually had sex with the man. She was practically an expert compared to John.
If Lucy thought it could work…
John was so, so scared.
Just after six in the evening, Nolan called. “Hey. It’s Lucy’s last night. We’re going to order some pizza and watch crap movies. You should come over.”
John tried to worm out of it. “I don’t know. You must be exhausted, working the overnight and all.”
“Nah, I’m fine. Bring beer.”
The phone went dead before John could protest any more.
*
He drove to Nolan’s house feeling like an idiot.
/> A nervous idiot.
A nervous virgin idiot.
Lucy had promised she wouldn’t say anything to Nolan. It was all up to John whether and when he wanted to make a move. So this could be just a pizza-and-beer night, a perfectly innocent evening.
But.
John knew perfectly well that if he went to the house, if he was there with Lucy—sweet, heat-inducing Lucy—and Nolan was anywhere in the vicinity—sweet, fantasy-inducing Nolan—there was no way John was not going to make a move. He’d made up his mind the minute he got in his car.
Maybe it had been before that. But until Lucy, he hadn’t known how to proceed.
Lucy had made the impossible seem likely, the dangerous enjoyable. Lucy had made John almost ready to confess his attraction to Nolan.
Maybe.
He parked in the driveway and sat in the car for a long moment.
Probably.
It was a huge step.
He still had time to back out. He could call and make an excuse from the safety of his own apartment.
He knew already just how lonely his apartment would be tonight.
*
John wasn’t sure what he expected, but it seemed outright strange for Nolan to meet him so casually at the door. “Hey, John, come on in. We’re arguing over pizza toppings.” He took the beer and walked back toward the kitchen. John followed. “Want one?”
John had been musing about the fact that Nolan was barefoot. He’d never seen Nolan’s bare feet before. He wondered if he’d ever had his toes bitten. “Huh? Sure.”
Lucy was leaning over the counter in her tight jeans. “Hi, John.” She kissed him lightly. There wasn’t even a hint of a significant glance from her, for which John was immensely grateful. “Mushrooms?”
“Yuck.”
“Told you so,” Nolan said.
Lucy sighed. “Okay, what do you like then?”
John shrugged. “Peppers, onions.”
“Guy food.”
“Yeah.”
Lucy stuck her tongue out. Nolan chuckled. “Told you so.”
“We could get one half-and-half,” John offered, and then wondered why that sounded vaguely dirty.
“No,” Lucy said firmly. “The onions will creep over to my half and stink up my mushrooms. I want my own.”
“Get your own then,” Nolan answered. “I told you that in the first place.”
“Fine, I will.” The phone rang in the living room. “I’ll get it. It’s the airline. They’re trying to bump me.” She went, leaving the men alone.
Nolan smiled wryly. “One more day and she’s out of here.”
“I thought you two got along.”
“We do. I love having her here. But,” Nolan took a long pull on his beer, “she’s exhausting.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m glad she stayed with you last night. I would have felt bad leaving her alone.”
“Not a problem, believe me. How was the shift?”
“Quiet. Emma’s coming back to work tonight.”
“How’s Griffin doing?”
“Okay, I guess. Stable. He’s still beat to hell, but he’s holding his own.”
“Best you can ask for.” John shook his head. “I wonder how Shelly is.”
Nolan chuckled. “But not her owner?”
“Nah. I don’t give a shit about him.” John took a long pull on his beer. This wasn’t the conversation he wanted to be having. “We actually spent a lot of time talking about you.”
“You and Shelly?”
“No. Me and Lucy. Last night.”
“Me?” Nolan seemed genuinely surprised.
“Uh-huh. She thinks you’re lonely since Kevin left.”
Nolan smirked. “Yeah. She must have a psychic gift or something.”
Now or never, John thought. He took a deep breath. “She thinks we’d be good for each other. As lovers.”
Nolan just nodded, unsurprised. “I know. Did you tell her you were straight?”
“No.”
“I bet she figured it out.”
John took a long swallow of beer, then another. Was Nolan being deliberately obtuse, or was he being too subtle? Part of him wanted to hang back, wait and see. But mostly he just wanted the cards on the table. “She says you want me.”
Nolan froze, then took a deep breath. “Well, who doesn’t? You being a big brave fireman and all.”
“I want you too.”
“Not funny, John.”
“Not a joke, Nolan.”
They stared at each other for a long moment, blue eyes locked on brown. “John,” Nolan finally said, quietly, shakily, “it’s Lucy. She makes things seem like a good idea when they’re really not.” He shook his head. “By next weekend you’ll wish we never had this conversation.”
John could feel himself shaking inside, in his chest. He didn’t want to hurt Nolan, he didn’t want to make a mistake. He didn’t want to be anything but completely honest. “I wanted you before she got here.”
Nolan was shaking his head, and suddenly words came spilling out of John. “Nolan, listen. Listen. For weeks now, for months—remember the night Kevin left and we got drunk together?”
“Dimly.”
“I thought then, that night—but you were drunk, and I was drunk, and I thought it was just a passing thing, Nolan—but it wasn’t, I’ve been like a teenager with a crush, I can’t stop thinking about you, I have these dreams and I—” He noticed he had a little beer left and drank it. “I can’t believe I just said all that.”
“Me either,” Nolan answered. He seemed stunned. Bemused. “Want another beer?”
“I’m not drunk, Nolan.”
“I know.” Nolan got more beer, moving slowly. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
John shrugged. This wasn’t the reception he’d expected. “You were getting over Kevin, and I wasn’t sure how I felt, if it was just—”
“Curiosity.”
“Yeah.” John drew a deep breath. “And part of it is, Nolan. I won’t lie to you about that. I’ve never been with a man, I might hate it for all I know. And I didn’t want to take that chance with you. You’re my friend. I didn’t want to screw that up if t-the—”
“Sex.”
“Didn’t work. I mean, I don’t know. I just don’t know, maybe this is all just some early midlife crisis thing.”
“John,” Nolan said gently, “you’re babbling.”
“I know. I can’t seem to stop. I’m really trying, but I can’t.”
“Do you want me to kiss you?”
The question startled John. His answer startled him more. “God yes.”
Nolan raised his hand, paused an inch from John’s face. Very gently, he put his fingers on his jaw. The touch was light, hesitant, and both of them shook a little at the moment of contact. He leaned closer, still slowly, eyes open, ready to retreat at the least resistance. John trembled—fear? longing?—yet he didn’t back away. Their lips met very lightly, a gentle little kiss, and John pulled back, wide-eyed.
Nolan straightened, misunderstanding, but John was already lunging forward, putting his hands on both sides of Nolan’s face and mashing their lips together. Nolan went with it, parting his own lips, licking John’s until they parted too. Their tongues met, exploring, fiery at first and then slowing, enjoying more as the first spark passed. Their bodies shifted. Nolan put his hands on John’s waist, then moved them around to his back, pulling him into his arms. John’s hands released his face, one sliding to the back of Nolan’s head, the other down his back.
Eventually they came up for air. “Hate it yet?” Nolan asked.
“Not yet,” John answered breathlessly.
Nolan kissed him again, even gentler this time. Their hands were a little freer now, holding each other, caressing lightly, above the waist. John had the distinct feeling that his friend was deliberately not arousing him. This was more like first-date kissing. No pressure. Just getting acquainted. Making out. In the kitchen. Non-threatening. He
liked it that Nolan was being so sensitive to him, so careful. John sighed in contentment.
“Enough?” Nolan asked.
“Yes. No.” John shook his head. “For now.”
Nolan drew away, went back to the table and sat down. John followed. They both opened their second beer.
“So,” John began, astonished that he could still hold normal conversation, “uh, where’d Lucy go, anyhow?”
Nolan nodded toward the bedroom. “She’s around. Probably gloating over her matchmaking skills.”
“And rightly so.” John understood that she would remain discreetly out of sight. She’d done her part. “Nolan, do you understand what I was trying to say before?”
“You don’t want sex to screw up our friendship.”
“No. Well, yes, that too. But this isn’t just about sex, is it?”
“I don’t know, John. Is it?”
“I don’t want it to be.” John shrugged. “On the other hand, you know I’m completely shitty at relationships.”
“You never gave one a chance,” Nolan reminded him. “And you’ve never tried one that started as a friendship.”
“True.” Then, entirely on impulse, John said, “Kiss me again.”
Nolan did, a little firmer this time.
“I just don’t want to mess up,” John repeated.
“All right,” Nolan answered. “Then we need some ground rules. And the first is, whatever happens, we stay friends.”
“Absolutely.”
“Second, we need to be very frank about sex.”
“Who’s Frank?” John quipped. “Sorry. Bad habit.”
Nolan nodded. “What I mean is, you need to tell me what you want. We don’t need to try anything until you’re sure. We don’t need to try anything at all.”
“Do you not want to have sex with me?” John asked carefully. When Nolan hesitated, he added, “Be frank.”
“Frankly, John, I’ve wanted you from the minute I saw you. But I never for one minute thought…” Nolan stopped. “I don’t want to mess this up either. I don’t want to pressure you, or…”
John lunged across the table and kissed him warmly. “I get to decide when and where?” he asked. Nolan nodded. “Then here. Now.”