Shady Shenanigans in Iowa

by Wendy Byrne

  I bumped into a group of rocks along the shoreline, and the front end of the kayak got lodged in between two larger rocks and a clump of vines. After several failed attempts, I figured the only way to free myself was to get out and push the kayak and then jump in once I'd gotten free.

  I clumsily disembarked, splashing through the water and wishing I'd thought to put on water shoes. As I jostled the boat, it finally became dislodged from between the rocks. I started to pull myself inside, but my leg had gotten tangled within the vines in the water. The more I pulled at my leg, the tighter the vines became.

  Panic set in. My imagination went on high alert as I envisioned a snake wrapped around me rather than a vine. I splashed around as I fought to free my ankle and foot.

  Something pinged near the large rocks, followed by firecrackers exploding in and around the kayak. Sparks flew as I dove into the water to get away from the melee.

  Once the noise stopped, I struggled to the surface. The mud on the base of the lake provided little leverage to settle, while my whole body felt slimed. That's when I spotted someone among the trees.

  "Could you help me?" I called. Either the person didn't hear me or didn't care. I decided on the former. "Help. I've got some vines wrapped around…" When I slipped, my whole body went under. I could have sworn I heard a menacing laugh. But no one would be that cruel. Or maybe they might—all things were possible in my world.

  All sorts of scenarios ran through my brain as I came up spitting water. The slimy substance in the water covered my skin while a giant fish flapped against my leg. This was worse than jumping into the Hudson. And that was one disgusting river, IMO.

  "Eww. Help." It seemed like I was speaking into a void of air, as no one came to my assistance. I saw a flash of pink to my left and blinked to clear my vision.

  Dark hair. Check. Ponytail. Check. Pink running jacket. Check. About my size. Check. My infamous doppelgänger. But how did she know I was here? Did she plan on leaving me another note?

  "Hey, over here," I called to her as she slipped between the buildings. No response. Gone—like she hadn't been there in the first place.

  Stop.

  Focus.

  Look at the big picture and remain calm.

  I wouldn't die being caught up in the vines—at least I was pretty sure that wouldn't happen—but I didn't want to end up looking like a prune at the end of this either. Once again, I had to figure this out on my own. Easy-peasy. All I needed to do was reach down and unwrap the vine from my leg.

  Except the muddy bottom kept shifting, leaving holes. Negotiating my way to a steady footing was a dream that didn't seem to want to come true. I hopped intermittently on one foot while reaching down to wrestle the offending vine from my ankle. When I yanked as hard as I could, the vine remained stubbornly attached. It was like I needed a machete to conquer this stupid piece of vegetation—either that or I was in the middle of a Stephen King nightmare.

  I was going to go under and pull the darn thing out by the root if I had to. Just as I sucked in a deep breath and mentally prepared for the plunge, an older gentleman came toddling down one of the paths from behind what looked like a vacant house.

  "Oh honey, you're stuck in some gripper vines as I like to call them. Let me lend you my pocketknife. I'd come in and help you, but I'm not as young as I used to be."

  "Thank you." What he handed me looked a little more menacing than a typical pocketknife, but I wasn't about to complain. It was sharp and should be able to do the trick in no time.

  "Saw back and forth if you can. That seems to do the trick. Usually."

  I didn't much care for the fact that he added that word to the end of his statement. But I was getting chilled, and the scene from The African Queen with the leeches sprang into my head.

  I suddenly hated Iowa again. Give me a cabbie with an attitude or a good old-fashioned mugger, and I'd know what I was dealing with. But mysterious nuances to the area had me befuddled and once again ready to take the next plane home.

  Shaking off thoughts of fear, I reached under the water and sawed the knife back and forth for what felt like hours while my arm started to ache. This leisurely kayaking expedition seemed like a really bad idea about now. When would I learn that I should always travel in a crowd surrounded by people who'd have my back?

  * * *

  "Goodness Izzy, you look a fright," Viola said as I stumbled through the yard. The morning excursion had left me exhausted and covered in mud from head to toe. Even the idea of fireworks had me wanting to run for the hills. Had I brought my own car, I would have made up some excuse to go home. If my closest-thing-to-a-grandmother I'd ever had thought I looked a fright, I knew I was in trouble.

  "Some kids threw fireworks, and they landed on the kayak, and then I jumped, and the kayak got stuck. Then I got caught in some killer vines." I'd never be accused of being the picture of grace, so I was sure she believed my somewhat suspicious explanation for my appearance.

  "Look what the cat dragged in," Alice quipped. "Girl, you look like you were pulled through the mud."

  "Fell off the kayak, and then I got tangled—"

  "I don't know how you manage to find trouble all the time, young lady. But you sure as heck do," Dolly said.

  "Did you see anything unusual? Anything that will help us solve this mystery?" Ramona asked. "Just because we're away from home doesn't mean we get away from our mystery."

  She was right. Somehow, wherever we went, the mystery always followed us. "I think I spotted my lookalike, but she was slinking along the perimeter behind a house and ran when I called out."

  Now that I had finally announced that tidbit out loud, a shiver overtook my body. What in the heck was going on?

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Excitement permeated the air as we got off the boat to visit the fairgrounds. The beautiful weather drew a crowd while bursts of firecrackers popped in the background. We'd already made one trip around to get a lay of the land, and the Qs were anxious to head over to the eating contest area.

  "Gabe, I left my jacket on the boat." The juice-box-size Sangria I'd stashed inside my pocket might help me make it through the fiasco to come. Fairs were not my thing. Besides, my mud adventure yesterday had been more than enough excitement for me.

  He turned to look in my direction and nodded. "Want me to go get it?"

  "You keep track of the Qs. I'll be back in a second. We'll meet up by the pie eating contest." I winced at the thought. All I could picture was that famous scene from the movie Stand by Me of the blueberry pie eruption. I'd never understood that competitive eating thing.

  He gave me a quick kiss and corralled the ladies in the general direction of the food vendors. It didn't take me long to reach the dock despite the upsurge of folks heading into the fair.

  I hopped into the boat and scrounged around looking for my jacket. I lifted the seats to see if it had fallen back there, but no luck. Nothing. I could have sworn I'd tossed it on the seat in front.

  Just as I was about to leave, I spotted it on the floor wedged behind the captain's seat. I slipped it on, feeling the weight of my salvation in the left-hand pocket.

  I lumbered my way off the boat and toward the dock. The crowd had increased substantially over the short time I'd been gone as the lines to get in moved at a laborious rate. Who would have thought there'd be this many people in such a small town? The grouping of trees to the left seemed ripe for a shortcut to avoid the surging crowd.

  I romped through the section of trees and tried to make it to the other side, but…yeah…that was where my plan failed me. I wasn't quite sure where I might land. The trees were denser than I'd anticipated, and I regretted not paying more attention. Branches and twigs kept either whacking me or scratching me to bits. That explained why others hadn't taken the shortcut.

  Finally, music filtered through the air as I spotted a shimmer of the lights and made a run for it. I stepped into high gear and dashed toward the tree line, breaking free into the perimeter
of the fest where I spotted what looked like police with flashlights looking in the bushes and all around. I didn't care who or what they were looking for. The sight of them meant I was nearly there.

  Then they headed my way. What a relief. Well…until I spotted the menacing looks on their faces…

  "There she is," one shouted.

  "Grab her," another chimed in.

  I stumble-stepped into an officer, who tackled me to the ground. Since my mouth was open at the time, I got a mouthful of grass. I spit out the dirt and tried not to think.

  "You're under arrest."

  "For what?" Had I missed something? It seemed a bit extreme for taking a shortcut through the trees.

  "You stole five hundred dollars from the bingo tent," one officer said as he wrestled putting the handcuffs on me.

  "What are you talking about? I don't even know where the bingo tent is, let alone steal from it." I threw my shoulders back and tried to sound in charge and in control, but my insides quaked as I watched the other officer gather evidence—money scattered all over the grass.

  "There were several eyewitnesses who saw a dark-haired woman around thirty, wearing jeans, a white T-shirt, and a pink baseball cap with a ponytail sticking through the back." The officer pointed to me. "She had on a pink and black windbreaker and was seen skulking around the tent not ten minutes ago."

  "Even a blind person would say that description matches you to a T, don't you think?" the other officer said.

  Although the question was rhetorical, I wanted to respond that a blind person couldn't possibly know all that, but I bit my tongue. Instead I reiterated my earlier assertion. "I was nowhere near the bingo tent ten minutes ago." I didn't want to mention that I might possibly have an evil twin hanging around somewhere. Judging by their current you-are-so-going-to-jail looks they were sending my way, they wouldn't believe me anyway.

  "Tell that to the judge," the other remarked. If I hadn't known better, I'd have sworn I was really transported to a 60s TV show where cops threw out cornball lines like they were gospel.

  "Of course, she won't be on the bench until Tuesday, this being a holiday weekend and all," another said with a snicker in his voice.

  "Wait. My name is Isabella Lewis—well, everyone calls me Izzy—and I'm from Inez—well originally from Manhattan, and I moved here…." I tamped down my rambling and got to the issue. "My attorney is here somewhere. Talk to him."

  Like he'd heard my distress call through some kind of magic mojo, Gabe appeared into the clearing. Despite his casual attire of shorts and a University of Iowa T-shirt, he looked every bit the professional when he walked up. While he didn't have a briefcase by his side, he strode as if he did.

  "That's my client. Take those handcuffs off, Larry." His voice projected that gruffness that normally drove me crazy, except today it warmed my heart.

  The officer shook his head. "No can do. She's under arrest for stealing five hundred dollars from the bingo tent."

  I sucked in a shaky breath. While I wasn't a lawyer, I had to think that amount of stolen money would fall into the felony range.

  Luckily, I was somewhat distracted by the posturing going on between Gabe and the officer. By the tone and the way the senior officer bristled, they knew each other, and it wasn't a happy reunion. "If it isn't the pride of Inez, Iowa… Or is that the black sheep of Inez?" The guy snickered.

  "Still stuck monitoring the fair crowd detail after all these years of being on the force?" Gabe retorted.

  Because they appeared like they might come to blows any second, I diverted attention to myself. "And I told the officer I haven't been near the bingo tent, so that would be impossible. You see, I went to the boat to get my jacket that I thought I left there and then decided to take a shortcut through the trees—"

  "Stop talking, Izzy." Gabe held up his hand. "I'll do that for you."

  For once my babbling had an agenda, and he'd thrown shade at me. While I could totally get on board the concept of protecting my rights, it still bothered me that I couldn't defend myself. Taking the passive route for once, I remained silent.

  "The money was in the pocket of her coat until she fell onto the ground," one of the officers said.

  He said fell. I thought tackle. Big difference. The officer held up the bills he'd gathered. To Gabe's credit, he didn't blink.

  I couldn't help but wonder if that had been in my pocket instead of my Sangria. I swore the coat wasn't where I'd left it. Someone must have overheard me telling Gabe where I was headed.

  We were cordoned off from the others, even if there was a growing contingent of looky-loos inching closer. Instinct had me glancing around to see if I could spot anyone suspicious, and I noticed a man with a handlebar mustache a couple people deep on the left. What in the heck was that Daniel Opps guy doing here? It was hard to tell from this distance, but it sure looked like him. As quickly as I'd spied him, he disappeared into the growing crowd.

  Gabe's lawyer voice yanked me back. "There's no chain of evidence. That could have been anyone's money you found on the ground when you accosted my client. You cannot prove that Ms. Lewis had any money in her pocket, let alone the fact it came from the bingo tent unless you can tell me right now the serial numbers on all the bills that were taken." The whole time he spoke, his teeth were clenched so tight I was pretty sure he cracked a couple. "That's what I thought. Now un-cuff her, or believe me, I'll take this to the next level so fast your head will spin."

  Lawyer Gabe was scary in a cool kind of way. Like he could be one of those TV lawyers who always had the surprise evidence he sprang on people. I was glad he was on my side, although I had to figure he'd have a thing or two to say about this particular faux pas once this all blew over.

  Which, by the way, was taking forever. Two of the three cops were looking toward the cop who was Gabe's nemesis as if waiting for direction. Currently Gabe and the guy were engaged in a testosterone standoff, and neither one of them looked like he had any intention of blinking. Judging by their mutual hardened jaws, this could take a while.

  And they said women held grudges. In my opinion, it didn't compare to the way a man could.

  Finally, the officer put his hands on his hips and eyeballed me. The line from An Officer and a Gentlemen came to my head. "Better stop eyeballing me, boy." The way the man's intimidating gesture spoofed Louis Gossett Jr. made me hide a chuckle.

  "Since I did a background check on Ms. Lewis and found nothing of significance and considering the missing money has been found, we'll call this even. But, Ms. Lewis, I'm going to warn you. We don't take kindly to your kind of shenanigans in this town."

  Wow, I hadn't heard the word shenanigans in…well…pretty much never, I thought. Which was pretty significant since I hung around with a group of eighty-year-olds. "I—" I didn't get to finish my train of thought as Gabe grabbed my arm and did a shushing sound out of the corner of his mouth. Yeah, I'd have a discussion with him about that shushing thing later.

  "Thanks again for seeing the error of your ways." Oh no, he didn't. Yep, he did. It appeared Gabe thought it would be good idea to push his luck.

  This time the officer gave Gabe the same once-over he'd given me with a smackdown chaser. I thought he might throw us both in jail. And I wouldn't blame him. I looked guilty, and Gabe…well…he was being more obnoxious than I'd ever seen him, and that was saying something.

  Just when I could have sworn I heard the clinking of the jail bars, the Qs decided to make their entrance. I didn't need to say it was a distraction because they had that sort of thing down pat.

  "This is where you two are," Alice said as she little-old-lady-shuffled over to me. She cackled as she walked past. "What were you two doing? Getting frisky?"

  I was pretty sure my face turned beet red. If nothing else, her comment gave everyone a chance to lower their blood pressure—or maybe that was just me.

  "We heard there was some excitement on this side of the fair. Should have known you'd be in the middle of it, Izzy. On
ce again, you always have all the fun and leave us out," Ramona added.

  Dolly was carrying one of those giant stuffed bears as she walked up. "I knew my old softball career would come in handy someday. Would you be a dear, Gabe, and store this on the boat?"

  I wasn't sure if their diversion was intentional or accidental, but I had a feeling it saved both our butts from the pokey. The testosterone reading between the Gabe and his nemesis went down a notch or two. Nothing like an invasion of grandmotherly types to put some cold water on a spike of crazy between two men.

  "Yeah sure, Dolly. I'd be happy too." He gave a side-eye to the officer in question before he moved toward the boat. I didn't need to say it would take a while since he had to negotiate his way through the grouping of trees or force his way through the crowd. Hopefully his temper would have a chance to melt away on the walk there and back.

  Rather than say anything else, the group of officers walked away without even so much as a look back.

  "What in the heck was that all about?" Viola asked as she moved by my side.

  I filled them in and was rewarded with the oohs and ahhs I'd come to expect. The ladies knew how to enjoy their excitement vicariously through me. I only wished it didn't involve bruises and contusions.

  "How on earth did you end up over here?" Viola asked in her concerned voice.

  I patted her arm. "I thought it would be a shortcut and then got tackled."

  "So when did you steal the bingo money?" Alice laughed so hard tears ran down her cheeks. "You know I'm kidding you. Give us the lowdown. Who planted the money on you?"

  "Since they said somebody matching my description stole the money, I have to believe my twin is once again the culprit. Then she or one of her cohorts stashed it in the pocket of my coat I'd left on the boat." And stole my wine too. I could really use that wine about now.