Ghost Time

by Courtney Eldridge

  I didn’t know what to say, because it’s hard for me to talk about it with Melody, about Cam and sex and intimacy, what it’s like, how it feels. Because she really wants to know, and it’s so honest and brave the way she asks and says what she really means—it’s hard to say those things, I know. I totally understand, because everyone wants to know what it’s like for other people, because no one really knows. I mean, you can read all about it, see as many movies as you want, and you’re still there, in your body, all alone. Well, more or less, but you know what I mean.

  The thing is, I wanted to tell her. I wanted to try and answer all Mel’s questions, but then I would look at her and think about the fact that she won’t have that experience; she’ll never know how it feels. So I told her the truth. I said, Honestly? Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s awkward. It’s really awkward and kind of stupid, I said, and all you do is pretend you know what you’re doing, because you don’t have a clue, so the whole time, you’re thinking, Am I doing this right? And, Will you still like me if I’m not very good at this?

  WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2011

  (THIRTEEN WEEKS EARLIER)

  9:34 PM

  One night, we were watching TV, eating in the living room, my mom and I. And my mom’s really into this new drama Starting Over, about a single mother, who has just gotten divorced, and she has this teenage son—sound familiar? Anyhow, it’s the two of them, the mother and son, and they’ve made this big move across country, and they’re starting over. Also, the mother’s just gone back to medical school; she’s in her first year, I think, and her son’s in high school, so it’s all about them going through the same struggles, or parallels between their lives, whatever. I’d never seen it, but Mom turned it on while we were sitting on the couch together, eating the pizza she picked up.

  There’s this scene where the woman’s at school, working late on a lab or something, then there’s this whole thing where one of the other students, who’s obviously like ten years younger than the mom is, has the hots for her—so predictable. I shouldn’t have rolled my eyes, I know, because my mom likes it, but it’s dumb, and I couldn’t help it. I know my mom deserves a few simple pleasures, and I have no right to be critical of my own mother, but it’s stupid. I mean, why, when we could watch a good movie, did we have to watch this crap?

  Anyhow, the woman’s son has a girl over to study the night his mom’s working late, and I mean, come on, who ever has anyone over to study in their bedroom? Anyhow, the girl—they’re both supposed to be my age—and the girl, who’s blonde and looks like she’s about twenty-five, even though you know for a fact, in real life, a girl that hot would not be dating scrawny high school boys, but whatever. They’re in his room—I remember, his name’s Cody, the son’s name is Cody. They’re sitting in Cody’s room, the two of them, with their books open, and the girl’s sitting on the floor, and Cody’s sitting on his bed, and then you see the girl look up from her book at Cody, who’s got his nose in the book, studying. Like, he’s all, Gotta keep that GPA up, get into the right school, who has time for sex? Please. So I’m trying not to roll my eyes, I really am, but it’s so lame.

  Then the girl, she looks up at Cody like she’s ready to pounce. I mean, she looks at him like, here comes sex kitten, ready or not. So she closes her book, ready to make a move, and she crawls over to the bed on all fours, gets up close to him, right in his face and then, trying to sound all sultry, the girl says, Tell me what you want me to do to you. Honestly, when she said that, I totally burst out laughing. And it wasn’t nerves, because I felt uncomfortable, watching some teen sex scene with my mom there; I laughed because it was so stupid, that’s why. I was just like, Ohmygod, I wish Cam were here….

  You know what’s true? For me, at least. The truth is, the first time with Cam, the whole time, all I could think was, Am I doing this right? Do you like this? What should I do? My head, all four limbs, two hands, my whole body felt like two left feet. And if I was sweaty, it was because I was so nervous! I mean, show me that—show me the real girl. You have writers, you have actors, you have camera crews, so why is it so hard to tell the truth?

  I don’t know. Hopefully, you get better with age. But still, deep down, don’t you always carry that fifteen-year-old boy and girl around, and don’t they come out when you really like a person, if you truly want to please them? I mean, wouldn’t it be sad to lose that first time, altogether?

  TUESDAY, MAY 17, 2011

  (SIX WEEKS LATER)

  6:15 PM

  Every time I think about it, it blows me away how much Mel’s never seen or heard before. I mean, can you imagine never having heard the Smiths? Seriously, Mel told me, in their house, music begins and ends with the Indigo Girls, and I was just like, Are you kidding me? I hate to say it, but I don’t think cerebral palsy’s her only disability; I think it’s that she’s been deprived of so much art and film and music her whole life.

  I mean, driving home, Knox reached to turn up the radio, and Mel goes, Please don’t, and I laughed, and I told him what she said, Please don’t, and he lowered his hand, looking in the rearview, and he goes, Thea, can you—I need you to give me a sign when she’s speaking. It’s driving me nuts, and I go, It’s driving you nuts? Knox goes, Could you just, I don’t know, raise your hand when Melody’s speaking? I go, What, like, How, white man? He goes, I don’t care if you want to stand on one leg and rub your stomach, just do something so I know who’s talking, okay? I go, Okay, okay, and I thought about it. How about one hand? I raise one hand, I said, raising my right, and that means I’m talking for Mel. And he goes, Great. Perfect, and I was like, Cool.

  I sighed, and then I turned to the backseat, and I go, Glad we got that settled, speaking to Melody, and Knox goes, Can I ask you something? And I said, Sure, shoot. And he goes, Does she hear what you’re thinking? looking at her in the rearview mirror. Mel started laughing, and I had to laugh, too, and I go, No, it doesn’t work that way. I mean, she might know what I’m thinking, because we’re friends, but I need to tell her in words, I said, and he shook his head, staring ahead. What is it? I said, because I could see he wanted to ask something else, and he goes, Nothing. It’s just I’ve never heard anyone say that, and I go, Say what? Knox said, I’ve never heard anyone call her their friend. I’m glad—I’m glad you’re friends, he said, speaking to Melody in the rearview, and she goes, Okay, okay, let’s not get carried away, and I laughed.

  Knox got this look on his face, and he had to look away for a second, then he goes, Thea, when you hear Melody’s voice? He looked in the rearview, at her, so she’d know he was asking us both. Yes? I said, waiting, and he goes, No, just—what’s it like, her voice? What’s her voice sound like? She sings beautifully, I said, turning to the back, telling her, because she was being so quiet. Knox goes, She sings? I go, Oh, all the time, and he goes, What, like songs or does she hum? I go, Yes, songs. She loves music, you know—not your music, but good music. He goes, Hey, hey, and I go, I don’t just hear her, I see her, too, Knox. I didn’t explain it this way, but it’s like bifocals—I see one girl sometimes, one girl other times, and once in a while, I see both girls at the same time. I go, I see the girl she really is—and I’m not just saying this, okay—but Mel’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and Knox looked in the rearview at her, and he goes, Me, too. Most beautiful girl in the whole world, if you ask me, and Mel goes, Dad, please. That’s so gay! I started laughing, and he goes, What did she say? I shook my head, like, Don’t ask, even though he already did.

  Grandma Lois has a beautiful voice, she said, and I raised my hand, repeating: Grandma Lois has a beautiful voice, and then Knox pulled over to the side of the road. What’s going on? Mel said, and I said, What’s wrong? And we waited, but Knox just stared ahead in a total daze. For like a whole minute, and then he raised his hand, warding me off. I… I just needed a moment, he said. I tried to get my mind around it, and sometimes I actually think I have. And then, other times, I don’t—I don’t understand one d
amn thing about what’s happening, he said. Just give me a minute here, he said, staring off.

  I know how hard it must be for him to get his head around it, but I don’t feel like he ever stops to think what it’s like for me, hearing his daughter’s voice in my head and being able to see her like she’s a normal, healthy, beautiful girl, so I told him. I said it: What, you think it doesn’t make me feel crazy sometimes? You think I don’t lie awake in bed at night, wondering if maybe they were right about me and I really should be locked up? I mean, seriously, sometimes, listening to you two talk back and forth, inside my head, outside my head, I feel like I’m gonna throw up, like I’m getting carsick—it’s not easy for me, either, you know? I said, covering my eyes with my hands, then sitting up straight again. Knox’s mouth fell open, then he swallowed back, before turning and looking me in the eye, hearing what I was saying. I knew I shouldn’t have said that out loud, especially in front of Mel, but I did. I needed them both to know, because it’s like, this isn’t easy for any of us—not for Knox, not for Mel, not for me.

  So we just sat there, silent, like a wet wool blanket was thrown over the whole car, and then Mel said, I’m sorry, Thee. I’m so sorry about how hard this must be on you, with no one you can tell, no one you can even talk to, and I turned right around, looking at her, both girls, both Mels, bifocal vision: Never, I said. Don’t ever be sorry, because I can talk to you, more than anyone, and I wouldn’t give that up for the whole world, I said, smiling, but my chin puckering because I felt so teary. Which, thankfully, knocked things back into place by making Knox uncomfortable, readjusting himself in his seat and putting the car back in gear. Even so, we were all pretty quiet the rest of the way to my house.

  Soon as I got out, I can’t—I can’t explain how I knew, but walking up the back stairs, after Mel and Knox left, from the moment I walked through our front door, I knew there was something there for me, a message. I could feel it, and I was so certain, I didn’t bother taking off my coat at the front door, I just walked straight to my room, turned on my computer, and I was right. There was an e-mail from Cam, or Cam’s address, at least. I don’t know who it is, but all the subject headers are some inside jokes, something only Cam would know, like the subject header will say, You know what Socrates said? I open them because Cam is the only person in the world who knows the joke. Except this one was different, it was a time code, 5:57 PM, May 10, 2010, and it said, Unedited.

  Somehow, I knew—I mean I didn’t know what, exactly, but I knew what day that was. I’d lived with it for a whole year. It was video taken at that party, at Spencer Perry’s party, last spring. The video starts when we showed up at his house, because things got started right after school. The four of us, we went to Leila’s house to change, and we got to Spencer’s by five, but the video’s shot in a way that it’s like there was someone else with us, walking between me and Dani and Leila and Stella. The four of us, we walked in alone, and the way the video looks, it’s like there was someone else with us, almost in the middle of the whole group. When I saw that, the way it was shot, I nodded and said, No, out loud. But on the other hand, everything else is exactly as I remember it happening.

  Stella and Dani went to the kitchen, and I stayed with Leila, outside, in the backyard. And then Spencer came over, and he brought me a drink, saying he’d make another for Leila when they went inside. I remember drinking it, and the hardest part, watching it again, was remembering how close I felt to all my friends that night, because these were my best friends. Maybe I didn’t choose this town, and it was hard getting used to it, but this was my home now, you know? And then—I remember this now, watching this video—slurring, I told Leila and Spencer: I feel so dizzy and buzzy!

  It was snowing, too. It was so weird because we had a huge storm that week, in March. Spencer’s parents had left for the Bahamas or Bermuda, I don’t remember. Just that we went inside so Spencer could make us some more drinks, I walked to the back windows of their kitchen, they had these big bay windows, and I looked at all the kids, outside, playing in the snow. And a few of them started spinning around, holding back their heads, and then all I know is they started morphing into multiples. Like two, three four of each kid appeared, and they all started spinning around, like florescent whirling dervishes. And it was beautiful, watching it snow in this big backyard. I think that was the happiest day I’d had in years, like for the first time since I’d moved, I belonged. Then the video stopped, and I realized the amazing thing was that it was exactly what happened to me. But how could anyone have shot exactly what I saw?

  I went over and sat down on the side of my bed, but I felt numb. Because when I think of everyone being called into Cheswick’s office to discuss the party; all these kids, all their parents, everyone getting so busted. And they all wanted a scapegoat. And I was new, and I was the one dancing on the coffee table, clearly I was the bad apple. And I’d never been in trouble like that, I’d never been singled out for any inappropriate behavior, but then everyone was so relieved to be off the hook, they had to dedicate themselves to believing their own lies.

  Still, sitting there, with my coat on, and my bag twisted around my shoulder, I smiled at the screen, feeling that moment all over again. I mean, it was the first time I’d ever really sat and thought about it, without crying or turning away, feeling sick. I’d gone through so much embarrassment, so much teasing and shame that year, but this time, I could actually watch without turning away. Honestly, I felt better, because that’s what really happened, and somehow, there was someone who knew the truth, too.

  Then, the very next day, I got another text with a link, right after I got home from school. The thing is, whoever sent it to me, they sent it to the whole school. I almost had a heart attack when I saw that, at first, and then I watched it, because I had to know what it was everyone was seeing. So I watched it, and right away, I knew everyone would be freaking out. Because it tells the rest of the story, what happened that night. At first, I thought it was a copy of the same video from the night before, because it starts with the four of us, Leila, Dani, and Stella and me, showing up at Spencer’s party. So right after we all walk into the Perry’s kitchen, then it cuts to Spencer Perry and Brandon Firth standing in one of the rooms, down from the kitchen, where you turn to their laundry room. Then you see Brandon peek his head out to see that we’re there, while Spencer’s standing over a cup, doing something you can’t see, but whatever they’re doing, you’re thinking, They’re up to something, those guys are definitely up to something….

  The strange thing is, watching it, I knew it was going to be okay. Or I knew at least I wasn’t the one who had to worry, because it’s like someone’s taken my memories and made a movie out of them, and you see exactly what I was seeing that night, living. After you see Spencer and Brandon in the laundry room, the next thing you see is my point of view, and I’m stumbling all over, holding my hands out for balance, wasted, as a bunch of us pile into a couple cars and drive to Shecky’s.

  Shecky’s is this local chain, kind of like IHOP, that stays open late on Friday and Saturday nights. The whole way there, I was in the backseat with Brandon, making out with him—ugh, so gross. A good minute of tongue and tongue close-up that’s sloppy and pimply and stomach-turning. I’d rather watch animals humping on National Geographic, I really would. All my friends are grossed out too, all of them shooting each other looks, but I have no idea what’s going on. I couldn’t remember it for so long, but when I saw it, with my own eyes, the two of us, me and Brandon, going at it in the backseat, I felt sick. Because it was true, that’s what really happened, and I’d seen a little worse than that, the Monday when it got out about the party, and there were pictures of us in the car.

  I stopped the video and closed my computer. I don’t know how long I sat there, totally shocked, maybe an hour before I heard my mom walk through the front door, and she called my name. Then she knocked, and I said, Come in. Hey, she said, still holding the doorknob, standing in my doorway, and I
said, Hey, seeing she hadn’t even taken off her coat. All right, she says, slapping both hands on her thighs. She goes: Principal Cheswick called me this afternoon and told me there’s a new video of the party from last year—a video of what really happened at that party, she said, and then she held up her hand, seeing my mouth fall open. She said, I saw. I watched them already. And I just want to say I’m sorry, Thea. I’m so sorry I didn’t believe in you more last year, despite how things looked, and she really did look so remorseful. Principal Cheswick would like to meet with us tomorrow to talk about it, she said, and that’s what we need to discuss now. There are a lot of things I want to talk to you about tonight, before we have that meeting, she said.

  I said, Mom, I told you I don’t want to talk about the party anymore, throwing my head back. She goes, Lots of things, Thee—there are lots of things I want to talk to you about. And the way she said that, I knew something happened: What happened? I said. Let me take my coat off, she said. You might want to do the same, she said, looking at me as she stood from my bed. And only then did I realize I’d been sitting there, in my coat, too, that whole time.

  Let’s sit at the table, she said, and I followed her into the kitchen and sat down. She got a beer out of the fridge, then looked at me: You want one? she said, holding the bottle up. So something pretty bad happened, I knew, watching her pouring her beer in an iced glass. It’s the one thing Mom still does that we’d done when my dad was around: she always has good beer glasses that she keeps in the freezer. Now, though, our freezer is so small, she has to turn the glasses on their side.