Dying to Love

by Reese Rivers

  “No, no, Oliver. I’m sorry, that came out wrong.” She heaves out trembling breath and then takes my hands. “Everyone I loved, they left me. I’ve been alone for so long and now that you all are here, well, I’m starting to feel, feel a lot - and it terrifies me.” She swallows hard and I can see her searching for the right words so I wait. “I … you … argh … I can’t do that again! I can’t have everyone I care about die and leave me alone again. It would be the end of me!”

  Now her tears are flowing down her face and she looks past me and makes an angry face, causing me to glance over my shoulder to see if one of the others has come in but we are still alone. I focus back on her and use my thumbs to wipe away some of the tears.

  “In the old world, there were never any guarantees and there’s definitely none now - so I won’t promise you that nothing will happen and that we will live long and healthy lives together. That’s just not possible to promise but Kelsey - I will promise that every second we have here with you, we will all do everything in our power to stay safe. We won’t take any unnecessary chances and we will go to any lengths to stay with you.”

  I bend down and place a kiss on her forehead. “We just want you happy, Kelsey, and we feel a lot for you too. Isn’t that worth taking a chance on?” I lean back and worry over what I know I should say next but say it anyway.

  “Are things moving too fast for you?”

  When her eyes slide away from mine I bite down on my tongue to not show or tell her just how much I want to speed things up with her, not slow them down. I wait while holding my breath for her to say yes things are moving too fast but what she says in a whispered, secretive little voice instead has me choking back a reaction.

  “I had sex with Linc and Grayson … at the same time!”

  Kelsey

  Imight have whispered it but it still feels like I just shouted that out. I ignore Tara’s laughter and chew on my lip waiting to see what Oliver will say. It’s not the response I thought it would be.

  “Did you like it?”

  I step back from him with a frown, needing a little space as my face flushes red. It’s been weighing on me since it happened. Not that I regret it but that maybe this whole not having to choose is a pattern with these guys. Maybe I’m just the latest woman in a long string of women that they’ve done this with. I’m not innocent of having a past sex life. I don’t expect them to not have one. I just want to know if this is a thing with them that they do or have done a lot in the past.

  “I … um, yes, yes I liked it but … Oliver? Do you guys do this kind of thing a lot? Um, share a woman, I mean.”

  He leans back against the table and crosses his arms over his chest. His expression is back to calm and cool.

  “I see. You’re worried that this is some kind of game we play with women.”

  I look away quickly with a hint of shame at how harsh that sounds but I also need to know so I give him a slight nod.

  “Once. Look at me, Kelsey.”

  I force my eyes to meet his again and he goes on.

  “We shared a woman once before. We met her about a year after the dead rose. We rescued her when she was trapped and she joined our group. Her name was Mia. She was … hard. She had hard edges and it was her idea for all of us to be together. It took a while but eventually, we agreed. Mia offered us a tiny bit of escape, a physical escape anyway - from what the world has become. It was sex without feelings. She didn’t want any attachments from us other than a release. Like you say, there are an awful lot of hours in the day now. Mia was only too happy to fill them with us in a sexual way. In hindsight, it was a mistake. Don’t get me wrong, we all participated and enjoyed what she offered but she wasn’t a very nice person, Kelsey. She tried her best to cause problems between us. I think she craved the drama of the four of us fighting over her but when we saw through her games and refused to play, she paid us back by stealing the last of the food in the middle of the night and leaving all the doors and gates open for the dead to come in. If Grayson had woken one minute later, I would be dead right now.”

  He scrubs at his face and waits for me to process everything he’s said before going on.

  “What’s happening here, what is happening with you - it’s nothing like what we did with Mia. Kelsey, if you told me, us, right now - that you didn’t want to be physical with any of us or even if you wanted to be with only one of us, it wouldn’t change how I feel about you. I would bet the last chili mac MRE that the others would say the same thing. We care about you very much, Kelsey. The sex is just a very nice bonus but we would all respect your decision to not be with any of us that way again. Is that what you want?”

  Now I need to completely turn away from him as I sort through all he’s said and his question. First, I’m not that bothered about them being with that woman. I get having sex without feelings. Just having someone to ease the loneliness, to help escape for a few brief minutes. I get that. Doesn’t make me want to scratch her eyes out any less but I get it. Now that I know that this isn’t some game they play, I feel better about it and also worse because … feelings. Feelings turn into love and I lose everyone I love and that’s what started me down this slide into depression. The more I’m with them, the more time I spend with them and share my life and the more sex I have with them, the more I feel like I’m tipping towards the big L-word. That’s what scares me the most and that doesn’t even take into account how fast this all seems to be happening.

  Oliver said there are no guarantees and he’s right. So is Tara, who blasted me for being an idiot while he was talking. They both basically told me that some happiness would be better than none at all and as much as it terrifies me, I have to take that chance. I have to believe that this time I will get to keep the people I love and that means I need to give myself to them completely because if I’m going to take a chance it’s going to be for the whole pie, not just a tiny slice. I take a deep breath and slowly turn to face him.

  “No, that’s not what I want. I … I want … you, all of you … in every way.”

  He reaches out and tugs me toward him by my t-shirt until I’m against his chest. His fingers slide up into my hair and he cups my head so that I’m looking up at him.

  “I meant what I said. The feelings I have for you go beyond physical attraction but Kelsey, it’s a powerful attraction. I want you so bad it’s painful.”

  I barely have time to gasp at the intensity in his eyes before his mouth falls on mine and he shows me just how powerful it is. My head swims as desire floods me, bringing that delicious sensation of heat and readiness to my core. Oliver explores every part of my mouth. He’s so thorough as his tongue slides against mine and when he finally breaks the kiss to slide that attentive mouth down over my jaw, to my neck, I’m panting with need. The hot promises he makes against my skin between kisses and licks just make it worse.

  “I want to explore every inch of you. Learn all your secrets. What makes you moan and what makes you gasp and what makes you beg for more.”

  My head is back and my eyes flutter closed as he tugs my shirt to the side so he can trace my collarbone with his mouth.

  “I want all of you and then I want even more. I want to hear the symphony of your pleasure-filled cries as I slide in and out of you.” His hands slide around to cup my ass and he drags me against him so his hard bulge rubs me through our clothes. We grind against each other as he pulls away from my neck and meets my eyes again.

  “I want to see your pupils blow out when my cock is inside of you and Linc and Grayson’s mouths pleasure you at the same time. Hmm, what would please you most, Kelsey? Linc thrusting into you from behind while my hot tongue lashes your clit and Grayson feeds you his cock? We’ll make you come so hard, Kelsey. We’ll give you everything you ever wanted and so much more and we will love you with all that we have inside of us. You just have to say yes.”

  Saying yes or anything else right now is just not possible as my brain has shut down from the picture he’s painted.
I’m so overloaded with sensations and images of what he described that it takes me a minute to realize that Oliver has stepped back from me. A shiver wracks my body and I have to shake my head a bit to come back to reality and meet his eyes.

  “You should go. Go and think about what we talked about. I want you to be sure of what you really want and you can’t do that with my hands on your body, clouding your mind.”

  I want to argue. I want to tell him that his hands on my body and his mouth on mine make all the decisions easier but I know he’s right - no matter how hot and throbbing the ache between my thighs is. I force myself to nod in agreement and then push my feet to back away from him until I can turn and race out the door. I stand outside for a moment and just breathe deeply a few times to get my body under control and then turn to walk deeper into the gardens. I hit the back fence and start walking the perimeter, lost in thought until Tara steps up beside me to walk with me.

  “Fuck, that guy. For all his cool, calm ways, he has a streak of inferno-level heat raging inside him.”

  “Uh-huh.” I stutter out.

  She laughs. “Besides the pretty sexy picture he just painted, everything else he said is true, babes. You deserve to be happy. Fate served you up a steaming pile of shit but it made up for it by delivering four hot as sin men who want to worship you, and not just your body either. They want you, Kells. Just like you’re falling for them, they’re falling for you. If those guys are willing to take a chance on love, why aren’t you?”

  I give her a frown and am about to argue that it’s not that simple when the breeze that’s blowing shifts and I’m hit with a putrid smell.

  “Uh oh, looks like you’ve been getting lazy with the body disposal, Kells. Not that I blame you, being distracted by all the man meat, but a few more days of heat and this place will be unlivable between the smell and the flies.”

  I groan at my least favorite chore but then perk up as my feet turn to head back to the camper. I don’t have to do it alone anymore. I have four strong men to help me haul the bodies away. Tara skips ahead of me and turns so she’s walking backward with a devilish grin.

  “Yup, you can get the guys to do the heavy lifting and then you could reward them. Oliver’s painting of all three of them on you sounds amazing but Kells, think about how mind and body blowing it would be to have all four at once!” Her eyebrows wiggle and she laughs like a loon as if she knows how the thought of that has my panties getting wet again. Damn her!

  I find the guys all on the patio deep in a conversation that abruptly comes to a halt when Linc spots me and nudges the others. My toe catches on one edge of the flagstone and I stumble awkwardly when I immediately come to the conclusion they are talking about me. My eyes go to Oliver but he’s got that calm cool expression of his that’s next to impossible to read. I huff out a breath and ignore the blush heating my face and walk over to them.

  “Um, hey,” I say lamely then have to think for a few seconds about why I came over here in the first place. “Right! Um, thanks again for doing such a great job on the fence. Uh, there’s not a lot to do for the next couple weeks except for some minor weeding before the next round of crops are due to harvest but um, I’ve been neglecting something that I should have done sooner so I’m hoping you guys will help me with it.”

  Dev lifts an impatient eyebrow. “Spit it out, Princess. If there’s work to be done, we will do it.”

  I make a sour face at him and flip him the bird which for some reason causes him to smile in satisfaction like he’s pleased with my rude response. I don’t get him sometimes so I turn to the others.

  “It’s the bodies. The dead we took out the night you first got here and then all the ones we shot when the tree went down. We can’t leave them that close to the fence. Um, they’re really starting to stink and the longer we leave them close by, the more flies they will attract. It’s just not healthy for us so …”

  Linc pushes to his feet. “We should move them.”

  I nod. “Yes, I have a garden cart with big tires that I use to … haul them. There’s a place, a clearing through the trees that has a small ravine I dump them into. I wish I could burn them but …” I motion to the forest surrounding us, “If the fire got out of control, there’s no way I could stop it.”

  Dev kicks to his feet. “Roger that, just point us in the right direction and we’ll take care of it. While we do that, would you mind making that spaghetti dinner you made on our first night? I’ve been dreaming about your garlic cheese bread for days.”

  I frown. “No, I mean, yes I can make that for supper but I didn’t mean that I wouldn’t help clear the bodies. I’ll go with you guys.”

  Dev starts shaking his head. “Nope, we will take care of it. There’s no need for you to be out there exposed like that.”

  He must see the thunderous expression forming on my face because he throws up a hand to stop the rebuttal I’m about to hit him with.

  “It would be great if you watched our backs from the guard platform like you did when we worked on the tree, though.”

  I hit each one of them with an annoyed look as I see them all nod. “You guys understand that I managed just fine on my own before you showed up, right? Inside AND outside the fence.”

  Dev smirks and steps right up to me, yanks me against his chest, and hits me with a toe-curling kiss that has me seeing stars and then pulls back and bops me on the nose. That last little bit has the stars fading to be quickly replaced with flames of anger it’s so damn condescending.

  “And now you don’t have to! We can take care of that kind of stuff for you while you stay safe inside the fence.”

  I grit my teeth and grind out, “To make you dinner? While the big strong men do the hard work?”

  Before he can reply Oliver cautions, “Do NOT answer that!”

  And Grayson laughs, “Dead man walking.”

  Linc slaps his forehead. “Stop digging, man.”

  Dev’s grin widens like he’s enjoying this. “Sounds about right. Oh, don’t forget the cheese on the bread. I love cheese too.”

  I let a woman’s vindictive calm settle over me. I know just how to handle this fucker. My tone is sweet as syrup when I tell him, “Oh, I wouldn’t dream of forgetting the cheese. I’m looking forward to making my big strong men a hearty supper after they work so hard. Sadly, you will all have to fend for yourselves for tomorrow’s supper though. I’ll be gone all day. I have a field trip planned.”

  Dev’s eyes narrow and the grin is replaced with a scowl. “Like fuck you do.”

  I shrug one shoulder. “Sorry, can’t be helped. I need to go out and reload the fireworks cannon. It’s a pivotal part of our security. If another horde comes through, and one will, the one that followed you guys was the fourth to pass through here. We will need that cannon to redirect them.”

  Devin shoots the others a look and I see that they are all now scowling my way. He turns back to me and bites out, “Draw us a map!”

  I pat his cheek and give him a sassy smile. “No can do. It’s tricky to find but if you want to come with me, I’ll show you where it is for next time.” I start walking backward. “The garden cart is in one of the sheds and don’t forget to wear gloves and masks, they can get pretty ripe. Also, the ravine to dump the bodies in is straight southwest from the corner of the fence and through the trees. You can’t miss it. Kay, byeee!”

  I rush out and then turn and power walk in the opposite direction. Take that, big strong men!

  I jog into the garden and grab the garlic and romaine lettuce for later and dump them in the kitchen and then holster up and walk out to one of the guard towers to set up the rifle. They might piss me off with their little lady bullshit but that doesn’t mean I won’t be watching them like a hawk. These are my men and I will do whatever it takes to keep them, bullshit and all.

  Kelsey

  My alarm wakes me as the first hints of morning light stain the sky. I roll out of my empty bed, having locked my door once again last night to
sleep alone. Even though I’ve mostly decided to go all-in with the guys, I still feel like I need some more time to accept it. I pull on a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt and dig out my flat-soled knee-high boots. I’ll be drenched in sweat by the time I make it home but the coverage is needed while trekking through the forest with random dead popping up that will need to be dealt with. It’s a two-hour walk to this side of the quarry and another half an hour to get to the other side so it shouldn’t take us more than six hours to go there and back … as long as nothing goes wrong.

  I roll my eyes as I pull on my boots at the nonsense I had to put up with last night as each one of the guys tried to talk me out of going. They were adamant that I stay back and let them go in my place but I wasn’t and am not having that. I love how they want to take care of me and keep me safe but no matter what Dev calls me, I am not a helpless princess to be locked in a cage. I know how to handle myself with the dead and have done a lot on my own this past year as well as before. I can’t let them lock me away while they go take all the risks. They finally caved and agreed to go with me and then drew sticks to see which one would stay back to keep an eye on things here. Oliver drew the short stick. He kept his regular expression as he turned to look at me but the tightening of his jaw and the way the stick snapped in his fingers told me just how unhappy he was with it.

  I throw open my door, hit the bathroom for all the morning needs, and then knock on the wall beside the loft until I hear Linc moving. Passing by the door to the bunkhouse slide I knock on it as well. Devin is already awake and glaring at me. He was the most pissed off that I wouldn’t change my mind so I ignore him, pour myself a mug of coffee, and get to work frying up eggs and making toast. I eat my breakfast standing at the counter as one by one the guys come and get their plates and settle at the table. Every one of them is in a pissy mood so I finish up quickly and leave the dishes for Oliver to do after we’re gone and then head for the door.