I pushed at my temples with my fingertips.
“Because I can’t pretend anymore that Anna wasn’t real.”
Thinking about how Anna had lived prior to that horrible night was just something I didn’t do—something I couldn’t do. Sometime during this last year, she had become almost like a fictional character to me. Though I knew she had been real, I had never known her alive. I may have seen her, touched her, held her in my arms…but there was no life to recall from those memories.
But Mallory was alive, and she was a living, breathing contrast of a girl I had remembered—the girl who was gone forever.
The couch cushion shifted next to me. I could feel new warmth at my side, though she didn’t touch me.
“In order to accept Anna’s death, you must first accept her life—she was real, just like Mallory is. Accepting that…is taking one giant step away from the land of denial.”
I looked up at her face.
“How will I know when I’ve accepted it?” I asked.
A faint smile crossed her lips, “When you stop looking for someone to blame—in this case, yourself.”
Dr. Crane stood up and grabbed a water bottle out of the mini fridge next to her desk. She offered it to me.
“You’ve shown tremendous progress today, Victoria. Not only did you connect to a person, but you connected to a feeling, one that is crucial to your recovery. Don’t let that go unnoticed.”
I rolled the water bottle in my hands back and forth. This didn’t feel like progress, it felt awful. Feeling was awful, but I wanted to believe she was right. She pulled her chair up and sat down across from me.
“I want you to think about how you would have responded if you had met Mallory in Phoenix.”
I nodded slightly. She knew I would have run. So did I.
“Today, you chose to come here. You shared, you felt, you experienced, but I think there’s something else you should process in regard to all this. You now know a little girl who thinks the world of you—who wants to be like you because of how you cared for her. If you’re going to let your mind play the comparison game between Anna and Mallory, then I want you to imagine what Anna would have thought about you. If she could have known you were trying to save her life, what would she have thought? Be fair to yourself, you need to bring that comparison full circle.”
The tightening in my chest was back. The air was pressed out of my lungs in one hard exhale as I leaned against the stiff leather sofa. Though she had spoken the words so gently, they had cut me deep.
Would Anna have felt for me what Mallory claims to?
**********
On the way home I took a detour. I passed the bridge on Elm where I had met Kai a few days ago, and pulled into the parking lot by the playground. I zipped up my hoodie as the wind blew against my face. I walked the path to the giant tree and sat against it, bringing my knees to my chest. Leaning my head back to rest against the rough bark, I closed my eyes.
What if Anna could have known I was trying to save her?
I thought again of Mallory: her bright smile, her sweet laugh, her gentle spirit.
The truth was, there was so much I would never know. Dwelling on the impossible seemed useless. I stared out into the field as the strong breeze rustled the leaves and stung my eyes with its force. I inhaled deeply.
The cool, crisp air filled my lungs over and over.
I love you, Victoria.
The words floated through my mind like a whisper on the wind.
I looked around…no one. Goosebumps prickled my skin.
Then, unmistakably, I heard it again.
This time the words thundered in my chest. I looked up.
I love you, Victoria.
Why?
You are mine.
I was still—silent, too scared to move. It was too much to believe that God could be speaking to me, or moreover, that God would want to speak to me.
The crunching of leaves snapped my head to the left. I was eye level with large black boots. I tilted my head upward and found a familiar face staring down at me.
“Hey there,” Kai said sweetly.
“Hi.” I raised my hand to him as he pulled me up, steadying me on the uneven ground.
“Hope I’m not interrupting anything,” he said.
“Nope, not at all. How did you find me out here?” I asked.
“Easy, your car’s pretty visible from the road. I was just on my way home from the station.”
I took in his uniform; he was a sight to behold, no doubt about that. I had never understood why women went gaga over men in uniform—until I met Kai. I was willing to bet he could make anything look good, though.
“I’ve been worried about you, Pele. What happened last night?”
Apparently, he didn’t forget anything, either.
I leaned back against the tree as he moved toward me. I didn’t know if I would be able to articulate much of anything if he remained so close to me. I took a deep breath trying to focus.
“I took care of a little girl last night and I went back to see her this morning…”
I looked away from his eyes to stare off into the distance, letting my mind escape. It hurt too much to say the words. Even if I convinced myself I could trust him with this—with talking about Anna—that fact alone could only cushion the pain so much.
I felt his hand under my chin as he gently turned my face back to him. He searched my eyes.
“Don’t go away, Tori. Stay here with me, please. Talk to me.”
I stared into his eyes. His look was not one of pity, instead it was…empathy?
“She reminded me…of Anna—of what I thought she would have been like. She asked me to stay with her, Kai. She held my hand and wouldn’t let it go. She made me…feel.”
My last word was so full of emotion that it was hardly audible. Though I had no tears to cry, there was an unrelenting burn behind my eyes.
Without further comment, Kai pulled me into his arms and held me. I exhaled as I let my body relax into him. When had this gesture become so comforting? I didn’t know, but I did know that in his arms I had found my safe haven.
After a moment he pulled away slightly, looking down at me. Slowly, he tilted my chin again and lowered his lips to mine, claiming my mouth and my heart simultaneously. When our kiss ended, he exhaled.
“I’m so crazy about you, Tori,” he said softly. He dropped his hands from my face and stared at me with desire. I was frozen in that gaze for what felt like a year. Finally, he raked a hand through his hair and took a deep breath, breaking the spell between us.
He took a step back and held out his hand to me, smiling as I took it.
“How do you feel about going to Camping World with me this afternoon?”
I laughed at the immediate change in atmosphere. This was his not-so-subtle way of breaking the tension between us. Though we had spoken about the boundaries in our physical relationship, it was easy to get carried away, especially with someone as incredible as Kai.
“Sounds good to me,” I said.
I wanted nothing more than to be with him, even if that meant shopping at Camping World.
“Great. I’ll pick you up in an hour...let’s get outta here.”
**********
The afternoon turned out to be really fun, even if I was surrounded by every piece of outdoor equipment known to mankind. Kai was excited about everything he found at the camping store. If I had thought my mom and Stacie were nuts in the baby stores, this was a whole new level of crazy. By the time he was done, I feared for his checking account. He assured me, however, it was fine.
We were hand in hand all afternoon and I found myself not wanting to let go, not even for a second. This man had become something very special to me in the last two months and all I desired was more time with him.
“Hungry?” he asked.
“Always,” I said.
He stopped and looked me up and down in a dramatic manner.
“You don’t say? The
women in my country wouldn’t let you leave the house like that. They’d call you a skinny little thing that needed to eat more and get more healthier,” he mocked, in a high-pitched islander accent.
I laughed so hard I snorted.
“‘Get more healthier, huh?” I asked, laughing.
Kai laughed too, although he told me over and over how dead serious he was. That only made me laugh harder.
At the Mexican restaurant he stared at me with eyes full of mischief. I knew something was up.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked, throwing a chip at his forehead.
“Well, after laughing at my Samoan culture, I think we both owe it to them to eat a real Samoan meal together,” Kai said, dipping a chip into the salsa and scooping up half the bowl.
“What do you mean, Kai?”
“I mean, I want you to meet my mom. She already knows all about you, but I want you to know her, too. She is a killer cook,” he said smiling.
His mom?
“And don’t for a minute think she’s not going to like you—that’s crazy thinking. What about this Thursday? The night before we leave for camping?” he asked.
I only worked tomorrow and Wednesday of this week, and then had a whole five days off after that. I had no excuses. If Kai loved his mom so much, I knew I would too.
“Yes, Thursday will work,” I said, trying to calm my growing anxiety.
“Great it’s a date then.”
Great.
**********
The white cottage we pulled up to on Thursday evening was a sight to behold. The house was simple, the size conservative at best. It wasn’t the house that awed a visiting guest; it was every square inch of the property surrounding it. Her garden included: bushes, plants, flowers, shrubs, vegetables and berries. I simply couldn’t take it all in with just one glance. Kai had mentioned that he helps his mom with her yard work—but this wasn’t a yard, it was a masterpiece.
A giant white trellis stood at the path’s center, inviting us to her front door. I walked as slowly as Kai would allow so I could see all that laid inside the picket fence. It was impossible to identify each type of seed she had planted.
“Kai...this is amazing,” I said, as we walked onto her porch.
He smiled, but before he could knock his mother was there, opening the door and welcoming us inside.
“Mom, this is Tori. Tori, this is my mother, Sia,” he said.
She hugged Kai, her arms wrapping around his waist. After she released him, she came over to me and clasped my hands together in hers.
“It is so good to finally see you, Tori. You are even more beautiful than Kai could describe to me,” she said, her thick accent blending her words together like a song.
I could feel Kai beaming at me as she spoke. I did not look at him.
“Thank you. It’s so nice to meet you, too, Ms. Alesana. Kai didn’t tell me what a spectacular garden you have here. I’d love to see it later,” I said.
“Please, call me Sia, and yes, I would love to show you after we eat,” she said, winking at her son.
Inside, her home was cozy. Every room could be seen from the kitchen and everything had its place. There were no large empty spaces or furniture that didn’t get used. Photographs were hung on the walls, mostly of Kai or her late husband, but decor was limited other than that. Some might see this home as too simple, but in my eyes, Sia had chosen a home like herself.
It was simply perfect.
Sia worked busily in the kitchen finishing up her cooking preparations while putting Kai and I on drink duty. I watched her as I filled the glasses up at the sink. Her dark hair was put up into a thick bun and there were several streaks of silver framing her face. I had a feeling if she let it down it would fall to her lower back—at least. Her features were soft, feminine, yet “healthy”, to quote Kai’s words from his culture. The roundness of her face gave her a youthful glow and there was no question where Kai’s good looks had come from. Sia was beautiful.
“Okay, come and sit, please. Dinner is ready. Kai, you can say the blessing tonight,” Sia said.
We sat down at a table spread with several dishes I couldn’t name, but with aromas that made my mouth water. Kai took both our hands and bowed his head. I followed the manner, hoping I wouldn’t be called on for any specialty prayers during the remainder of the night. Kai blessed the food and then prayed for each of the “special women in his life”. Sweet warmth spread throughout my body at his grateful expressions.
Sia and Kai explained each of the main dishes and why they were significant to their island. Each food was prepared in similar ways—coconut milk a common theme. The mango-spiced chicken was outstanding, as were the coconut cream yams. The fish salad, called Ota, was also amazing. I worked to finish what was on my plate; my eyes had been larger than my stomach. These new combinations and flavors would be worth the over-stuffed feeling in my gut.
Kai still hadn’t come up for air since starting his second round.
“Sia, this dinner was wonderful. Kai told me you were an excellent cook, but I didn’t know that he meant this excellent,” I said, pointing at the dishes on the table, half of them still untouched.
“Thank you, I’ll cook for you any time,” she said smiling. “You need to get more healthier—you’re so skinny, Tori.”
At that, Kai was gone.
He was rolling over in hysterics, oblivious to all else around him. Tears streaked down his face as he covered his mouth with his hands. If I thought kicking him would have brought him back to his senses, I would have gladly done it. Poor Sia was left baffled at her son’s sudden explosion, and apparently I was the one who was left to explain. I bit my cheeks, working hard to control my own bubble of laughter rising inside my throat.
I didn’t want her to think there was a joke at her expense, but it had been exactly what Kai had predicted would be said. I had to give him props for that.
“What is he laughing at?” Sia asked me.
“I think he must agree with you, Sia. I’d eat this food every day if I could, don’t worry about him,” I said, glaring toward Kai who was still lost in his own world.
At the end of the meal, or Kai’s third round, he gathered the plates and took them to the sink while Sia told me about her journey to America. Kai had been twelve at the time. She told each story with such vivid detail: getting Kai enrolled in American school, applying for her job at the arboretum, plugging into her community, and finding her church home. I listened as she described the obstacles she’d had to overcome, primarily expanding her English.
She had learned English as a second language as a child, but as a housewife for many years she had primarily spoken her native Samoan tongue at home and with friends. Once she moved to America, she had to focus on re-learning and strengthening her vocabulary so that she could work and be involved with Kai’s schooling.
I tried to imagine what it would be like to leave the only country I called home, based only on the hope of a better life. Kai was right; she was a very brave woman indeed. Kai came into the room then, a towel on his shoulder.
“Mom, you should take Tori outside and show her your garden before it gets too dark. I’ll finish up in here,” he said, winking at me.
“That would be great, I’d love to see what you’ve created out there,” I said.
Sia grabbed my hand and led me outside. Small spotlights lit the perimeter of her house as we walked into the garden. Perfectly placed stepping stones marked a path near each bordered bed. Each step we took introduced a new flower, spice or plant. My mind was overloaded with questions to ask her: how much time she had spent on each plant, where she had learned her techniques, what her next projects were?
She was happy to oblige my endless curiosity.
As we rounded the corner to the side yard I gasped.
“You have Dahlias? In Texas? I thought they only grew in cool climates,” I asked.
Sia looped her arm through mine as I stood gawking at w
hat I considered the most beautiful flower on earth. She had at least a hundred Dahlias staked in the ground.
“You are a learner Tori—just like my Kai. Yes, I do grow Dahlia’s here,” she said.
“But how? How do they grow in such extreme heat?” I asked.
She knelt down, taking me with her.
“Put your hand on this soil. How does it feel?” she asked.
I laid my hand down and rubbed the surface feeling the cool, grainy soil beneath it, “I’m not sure, Sia. I’m not an expert like you,” I said.
“The secret is to use mulch. When it’s hot outside, the water will stay in the mulch and keep the roots cool. Otherwise, they would fry in the sun since they grow right under the surface,” she said, scooping up a handful of damp soil to expose the mulch underneath it. It molded to her fist like clay. “Dahlias remind me to hope. There are many things in our lives that seem impossible, yet somehow, we can still overcome. Just like these Dahlias.”
A shiver went through me as she spoke, goose bumps rising on my arms. Sia was unlike any woman I had ever known. There was something different about her, something that made me want to stay up until the wee hours of the morning just to listen to her speak.
As we walked back to the front porch, Kai was sitting there quietly observing us. My cheeks grew warm as I looked from him to his mother.
“Hey Mom, I saw you were holding out on me?” Kai said.
“What do you mean, my son?” she said shaking her head—a teasing smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
“I saw what was in the oven for dessert,” Kai said, patting his tummy and lifting his eyebrows.
I was still so full from dinner, but I knew passing on dessert in this house would not be an option.
“You sneaky little rat—stay out of my oven,” she laughed, reaching for my hand again and pulling me inside. “You’d better come get a plate before he eats every last piece.”
I also better serve myself. Oy.
Sia served us Fausi, a Samoan dessert usually made from Taro root, but stateside it was made with pumpkin. It was served warm and topped with caramelized coconut cream sauce. The taste was truly divine. Kai had two helpings in the same time it took me to finish half of one.
All For Anna Page 17