I can do it. I can get out.
I have to get out.
Somewhere deep inside, under piles of literature and printouts from Dr. Crane, was the voice of reason, but it was too quiet now. It was too weak.
There was no going back.
I saw the overpass, or at least the shadow of what I hoped was an overpass, and made my move. As Kai slowed his truck even more due to his decreased visibility, I unlocked my door and jumped out. In one quick, self-sacrificing motion, I flung my body to the ground…and ran.
My feet slid and slipped over and over again as I raced across the shards of ice, almost losing control completely. I didn’t care. I just kept running. The dark mirage I had seen from a distance was indeed an overpass. Without hesitation I ran underneath it, climbing to its highest point of shelter.
I pulled my knees into my chest, panicking.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
My breathing was shallow and rapid—I couldn’t calm it. I was no stranger to this kind of panic, I had felt it once before, wishing then that death would be its end. It was the same end I wished for now.
I shuddered as I saw her.
I could see Anna, lying in the grass, body soaked with rain.
I felt something shift next to me. Something solid, yet warm was pressed to my side, but it was too late to be rescued.
The memory had already overtaken me.
Her beautiful hair was matted down by mud, I had touched it. I had held her in my arms, trying to take away her pain, trying to patch it. I wanted her to breathe, to cry, to speak…but nothing came.
Anna! Anna! Please wake up! I need you to know I’m trying to save you. I need you to know I would do anything to trade places with you. Please don’t leave me like this…please don’t die.
I was sobbing now—shaking violently.
“Why didn’t she wake up?” I screamed.
“Oh, Tori,” Kai’s voice was strong, yet broken.
His arms wrapped around me as I wept into his chest. My body still felt separate from me, held captive by a prison of shame.
“Why did God take her? It should have been me. I tried…” My voice broke again to a sob.
“I know, I know you tried, Pele,” Kai said, pushing the wet hair off of my face.
“But she never knew! She never knew I tried,” I said, and then the painful truth was on my lips before I could stop it. “I wasn’t good enough to save her.”
Kai shook me, his hands strong and firm on my shoulders as he positioned himself in front of me.
“Yes you were, Tori! You did everything that could have been done for that little girl...do you hear me?” Kai said, yelling over the loud echo of the hail.
He gripped my face in between his hands, forcing me to see him.
“You did everything,” Kai said, again. A desperate plea marked his voice.
I searched his eyes. “You don’t know that,” I whispered.
Grazing his thumb over my scar, he stared at me, unblinking. “Yes...I do.”
Exhausted, my eyes struggled to stay focused.
But it was there, on his face.
The answer to all the looks I couldn’t place, all the emotions I couldn’t understand, all the words that had been left unsaid. Anguish filled his eyes as his unspoken revelation washed over me.
I gasped, shaking my head in disbelief.
“No!”
“I was there, Tori. I was a first responder on the scene that night. I saw you. I saw the compress you made from your shirt; I saw your cut-up, bloody legs from crawling across that road; and your hands that worked triple-time trying to keep her alive. You did everything there was to do!”
I stumbled back, breaking free of his touch. I slid down the overpass wall. Panic had overwhelmed me again. The tremors that shot through my body were explosive.
Chaos was closing in on my world. The safe, untainted world I’d found in Kai had just been assaulted by death’s thievery.
I shook my head, trying to grasp it, trying to comprehend what he had just revealed. “You...you were there? You were at my accident?”
“Yes. I’ve wanted to tell you so many times, Tori, but I didn’t know how. I was too afraid you’d push me away…and I couldn’t be without you, not once I’d found you, not once I knew you,” Kai said.
And then...there was nothing.
No fight.
No anger.
Just. Hollow. Space.
He took a step closer. I couldn’t move.
“It was your empathy that captured me that night, Tori—your compassion. I’ve never seen anything like it. I work with men and women every day that are supposed to care like that, and nothing holds a candle to what I saw in you that night. What you did for Anna—a stranger—was nothing short of heroic,” he said, staring at me intently. “I went to the hospital several times, asking about you. And then one day…you weren’t there. I thought about you all the time and then-”
“Jack,” I whispered, my brain finally catching up.
“Yes, but he doesn’t share your last name, Tori. I didn’t know he was your brother-in-law until I met your parents and then I put the pieces together. I came...I came to your coming home party to-”
“To what, Kai? To see if I was as wrecked and damaged as my mother thinks I am? You may have seen me cradle a dead child in my arms, but that does not mean I need to be rescued—not by you!”
Rage.
Hot. Burning. Rage.
“No! I went to understand why I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I wanted to talk to you, to be your friend and then…I fell in love you,” he said, taking several more steps toward me.
I backed away, pushing my hand out to stop him.
“Don’t, please don’t touch me,” I said.
“Victoria, I love you! I never knew the meaning of those words, until you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I never wanted to hurt you,” Kai said, gripping his head with his hands, pacing.
“I know you’ll need time to process this, but please...please don’t doubt that it’s you who owns my heart, Pele. I love you.”
And then a memory from a different time and place, with a different boy, flooded my mind.
Just. Like. Ian.
Kai’s words were tainted, devalued, and compromised by guilt.
Would that phrase ever mean something real?
Sorrow stained his face with tears, tugging at my heart. I had the sudden urge to forget my pain and fall into his arms, to wipe away his tears. But the urge passed, and the pain spread deeper.
I stood motionless.
“Please, just let me take you home...we can talk more in the truck,” he said, holding out his hand to me.
His hand.
I stared at it.
Was it Kai’s hands that had pulled me off her?
I didn’t move. I couldn’t move. My eyes focused on a place beyond him, a place empty and void of all life. A place I begged would swallow me whole and leave nothing behind.
There was a flash of light, blinding me momentarily. Kai pulled me back, away from the center of the overpass we stood under. The light grew brighter. I blinked rapidly, willing my eyes to focus. An old Chevy truck finally slowed to a stop.
The face of the driver I knew, I’d shared a coffee with him only hours before.
Briggs.
My body sprang into action. I ran to his window, rain soaking me through, again. Briggs’ eyes met mine with curiosity and surprise.
“Tori, what’s-”
“Did you mean it when you said I could ask you for anything?”
“Yes, but wh-”
“I need a ride home...right now.” I was nothing short of desperate. By the look in his eyes, he understood that.
“Okay...get in,” he said, obviously bewildered.
I did so, immediately.
Briggs opened his door and stepped out into the rain as I secured my seatbelt. Apparently, he was see
king some sort of silent approval from Kai. I tapped my foot anxiously. I wanted to leave.
Before I had time to react, Kai was at my door, rain streaking down his face as his eyes met mine. Despite the war raging inside me, I couldn’t look away from him.
His eyes were haunting.
He put his hand on my window, “Please don’t do this, Tori. Please don’t leave like this.”
I turned my head away, refusing to cry another tear in front of him; I had shed too many tears already.
A second later, I heard him say, “Just get her home safely.”
And then Briggs was in the truck and we were driving away.
Away from Kai.
Away from hope.
Away from love.
But not away from death, that was inescapable.
I closed my eyes and laid my head on the window. The cold glass acted as an ice pack to my puffy eye and cheek. Briggs was quiet. I was grateful.
There was nothing to be said.
He knew this ugly truth, of course he knew. I would be willing to bet he had known it from the very beginning, but there were levels to betrayal. Briggs had hurt me, but Kai had crippled me.
The drive home was long. I feigned sleep.
The only words spoken were when Briggs needed to stop for gas about thirty minutes out. He’d asked if I wanted anything from the store. I shook my head, closing my eyes once again.
What would I tell Stacie?
The thought alone was exhausting.
Briggs took his time in the store, finally coming back to the truck with a banana and a water bottle. He handed them both to me. Instinctively I took them, but they remained in my lap until we pulled into Stacie’s driveway.
He made a move to open his door.
“Please don’t get out, Briggs. Thank you though...for this, for helping me tonight,” I said.
He nodded, a painful expression appearing on his face. “Tori?”
I turned to look at him as I opened my door.
“He really does love you. Process through this however you need to, but don’t let it be the end to what you have with him. What you feel right now is different than how things really are.”
“Unfortunately, I know that...all too well.” I closed the truck door behind me and walked up the porch steps.
As I pushed open the front door, it was met with resistance. My wet camping gear was sitting in the entry way.
Kai’s already been here.
Stacie stood just beyond the soggy pile. As she opened her arms to me, my body went limp.
Together, we sobbed.
Kai had told her.
TWENTY-SEVEN
The only marker of time that existed was Stacie’s impending due date, now just over ten weeks away. She’d been gone Christmas shopping for hours, picking things up for Jack’s arrival after the new year. Like usual though, I declined her invitation to “come with”.
Things at the hospital had slowed down substantially, my on-call hours all but gone. That fact was ironic since I now had more time on my hands than ever before. I’d found new ways to fill the empty hours in my day though, besides my running, which had increased considerably.
One new time-killing hobby was baking.
When I’d refused to leave the house for nearly a week after “the event” with Kai, Stacie had called a mandatory meeting with Dr. Crane. It was at that meeting, that this new, mind-numbing outlet was suggested for me. I’d never done much in the kitchen, nor cared much about sweets, but as Dr. Crane put it, “the holidays are a wonderful time to give back”.
So here I was now, giving back.
I had learned to bake: cupcakes, pies, cobblers, cookies, sugar cut-outs, and jelly thumbprints (those were Stacie’s favorites). Stacie and I had a list of organizations to deliver them to around Dallas every week. Though I didn’t find much joy in making them, giving them away was the highlight of my week. As long as I could keep my day full, it was one more day I had moved forward.
One more day I had chosen to overcome my heartache.
With the increased visits to see Dr. Crane, my feelings had started to thaw. I was breaking them out of the ice boxes they’d been trapped in for well over a year. There wasn’t much that I wouldn’t tell her now. I had a whole new perspective on secrets, and I refused to let them take me down.
One nearly had, just six weeks ago.
Dr. Crane called it my “healthy anger”, but I knew the root wasn’t from a place of health at all. It was from hurt. Kai had hurt me, deeply.
We didn’t talk much anymore about the night in the hail storm with Kai. We had ridden that Ferris-wheel to the ground and back and there was nothing left that hadn’t been said already. Her feelings were different than mine on the subject, but I knew I couldn’t love a man who could keep such a secret from me, no matter what his intention.
The challenge now was making my heart believe that, too.
Those first weeks had been dark, frighteningly similar to a darkness I could easily recall from my not-so-distant past. Kai had called me of course, but Stacie had played the role of mediator. I was beyond grateful to her for that. In the beginning she had urged me to meet with him, to hear him out. She soon realized, though, that her efforts to convince me were futile.
Eventually, she stopped persisting.
Apart from what I considered an unforgivable lack of integrity and judgment, I knew he’d never force his presence on me, unless I asked for it. He wasn’t overbearing or disrespectful. He was a gentleman—always.
My view of God had been yet another element of change in my quest to move forward, perhaps the most surprising to date. Though I wouldn’t say we were close, I could no longer deny His existence. I also couldn’t deny that He’d heard me, on a very desperate day, crying out on the floor of a forest.
Despite the fact that our future together was no more, I’d never wish for a different outcome. Kai had lived, and God had revealed himself. Why He would choose to save Kai and not Anna I still questioned. But that was one battle I had grown weary of fighting.
I was not in control, nor would I ever be.
I was currently in the kitchen making my second batch of peanut butter balls. Stacie planned on delivering them to the school staff she volunteered for tomorrow. I shut the pantry with my foot after grabbing another cup of powdered sugar, when I heard a knock at the door.
At only a week before Christmas, the amount of neighborhood activity had increased tenfold. Everything from middle school students selling their last roll of wrapping paper, to dedicated church members trying to get the message of baby Jesus out, all had stood on our doorstep as of late. I dried my hands on a towel and walked to the door, pulling it open.
I blinked a thousand times before my eyes could believe what I was seeing.
“Hey, Sister.”
I jumped into his arms as he twirled me in the air, hugging me tight. Jack was home three weeks early! I screamed in delight, feeling happier than I had in weeks. His deep jovial laugh echoed down the street.
“Is she still out?” Jack asked.
“Yes, come in quick. She should be home any minute,” I said.
He came inside the entry way and I couldn’t help but squeal again. Stacie had better be sitting down for this surprise or she would have that baby much earlier than planned.
“It’s so great to see you, Tori,” Jack said.
“It’s wonderful to see you too, Jack!” I said. “Now, where do we hide you?”
Jack quickly put his luggage in the closet, out of view from both the garage and the front door. He stood near the pantry, ready to escape into it at the first sound of Stacie’s homecoming. I grew anxious as the minutes ticked, but finally, I heard the familiar purr of her car engine as she rolled into the garage.
“Ah, you would not believe how crazy it is out there. Why do I always wait to shop? The lines and the traffic…it’s all horrid!” Stacie said, waddling into the kitchen, arms over-loaded with bags.
“S
tacie, here...let me take those. Go into the living room and sit down, let me get you something to drink,” I said.
“Uh, okay?” She was looking at me like I had four heads.
“What? I can’t offer my very pregnant sister a cup of hot tea? Go in there and sit, you shouldn’t have been out so long,” I said, sounding more like a nurse than a sister.
“Huh, you’re probably right. My feet are killing me,” she said, waddling to the couch.
When she was out of sight and I heard her shoes clunk down on the coffee table, I opened the pantry door to let Jack out. He grinned wide and I bit my cheeks trying not to laugh with giddy anticipation. I walked into the room before him.
“Stace?” I said.
“Yeah? Where’s the tea...are we all out?” Stacie asked, looking at my empty hands.
“No...Not exactly, but I did find something else in the pantry,” I said.
“What? Not a mouse I hope…” she said, eyes growing wide.
“No...I’m afraid I’m slightly larger than a mouse,” Jack said, stepping around the corner into full view.
At first Stacie did nothing.
She was a statue, jaw unhinged and open. It wasn’t until Jack took a step toward her that her trance was broken. Squeals and tears came non-stop. The reunion was perfect; a Christmas present she’d never forget.
The next several hours were filled with Jack’s stories of the sights and sounds of Australia. Though his weekdays had been filled with office work, he had spent nearly every weekend adventure-seeking in the land down under. Stacie and I were caught up in gut wrenching laughter as he told the story of his first time snorkeling in the ocean.
“...before I realized, I was way out past the buoy marker...just caught up in my own world of tropical fish. The problem was the tide had gone out and I had to make my way back over about two hundred feet of reef,” Jack said. “By the time I finally reached the beach, my chest, belly and legs bore the scars of that sharp sea demon.”
Jack was a fantastic storyteller. I could listen to him for days on end, but I also knew he and Stacie needed their time alone as well. I finished my tasks in the kitchen and bundled up to head outside. The air was crisp, not yet cold enough for ice or snow, but a coat was much more than a casual accessory these days.
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