by Hattie Lou
A few minutes passes then my phone chimes. It’s a message from Luke.
“You can do all the arrangements. Just let me know what day the funeral is.”
I read the message until water starts to cover the screen. Not water, but tears, my tears. He disappeared and now he doesn’t want to help me with her funeral. I calm myself down and remind myself this is about Katherine and giving her the perfect send-off. I don’t need Luke’s help.
Luke
“Another one.” I tell the bartender who looks at Matthew like he needs permission to give me another refill.
Matthew gives him a nod. “Luke, you have been drinking all day. This is your last drink.”
“My mother died. What the fuck do you want me to do?” I ask, trying to look at him but I’m seeing two of him sitting next to me.
“You need to sober up, man. Don’t you have to help plan her funeral?”
“No, Olivia’s taking care of that. Mom always liked her better. They were close, did you know that?”
“You mentioned that to me, an hour ago.”
“Well, they were. I got jealous every time I saw them talking.”
“We should call Olivia and see how she is doing. I’m sure she wants to talk to you.” Matthew suggests.
“No and you better not call her. It’s best this way. We can’t be together.” I mumble as the bartender hands me another shot.
“Why can’t you be with her?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know. We just can’t.”
“There’s no reason you can’t be with her. She made you happy.”
“Do we really have to talk about her right now? I don’t want to. I just want to sit here and forget everything for a while if that is okay with you?” I ask, slurring my words.
He shakes his head. “Fine. Whatever you want. I’m here for you.” He says, slapping my back.
I finish my drink and ask for another, but Matthew tells the bartender that I already had enough for one night. I tell him that I’m ready to go back home. He thinks it’s because I’m tired. I just want to go back since I know there’s still some alcohol in the refrigerator. I’m far from wanting to stop drinking.
“Stay in here. I will get the car ready.” Matthew says, about to walk away.
I might be drunk but I can still handle a walk to his car. “I’m coming.” I tell him as I make my way over to him. As I get closer to him the room begins to spin making me dizzy. I almost hit the floor but stop as my hand reaches the bar stool.
“Come on, man.” Matthew says, throwing my arm around onto his shoulder while he escorts me out of the bar.
When we step outside there are people standing in the parking lot talking. Matthew’s still holding me up when I decide to put on my sunglasses. It’s nighttime but I don’t want to look at anyone. I’m too fucked up.
“That is Luke Stewart.” A male voice’s whispers as he’s talking to his buddy.
“Are you sure?” His friend ask, looking at me.
“Yeah. That’s him.” He answers holding out his phone to take several photos.
Wait until Stu hears about this. I’m sure he’s going to flip and I don’t care at this point.
“Let’s get out of here.” Matthew says, opening my door and ushering me in.
Chapter Thirty-one
Luke
“How long are we going to stay?” Erika asks while we enter the funeral home as she slips her arm around mine. Normally I like when people look at us when we enter the room together, but I’m in no mood to pretend that we are in love today.
“I’m not sure,” I tell her.
These past few days I felt like I was on a roller coaster that never wanted to stop. I still feel that way. I just keep riding the damn ride. I barely slept since Olivia called me and left that voicemail telling me that Mom died. I know I should have been there when she was dying, but I didn’t want to witness my mom take her last breath. Just thinking about it makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs. It’s still hard to believe that she is really gone. The three of us were just together laughing and enjoying ourselves. Now she is gone forever. No more playing cards or watching game shows.
I look around the place and see there’s a line. People are crying and telling stories about my mom. When I get closer to the casket, I see Ben with his arm around Olivia as he is consoling her.
“Is that the woman who was taking care of your mom? What was her name again?” Erika whispers.
“Olivia,” I answer.
“I bet she’s only here to see if Katherine left her any money. She’s probably putting on a fake act that she cared about her.”
I’m about to respond to her distasteful remark at my mom’s funeral of all places, but the line suddenly moves and it’s our turn in front of the casket.
As I turn around Harry pats me on the shoulder, “Sorry about your loss. She was incredible. I’m going to miss that woman. I enjoyed the time I got to spend with her.” He says.
“Thanks.” When I look up Olivia and Ben are both gone. I look around but don’t see her anywhere.
I tell Erika that I need some time alone. She doesn’t ask questions and gives me space. I walk around looking everywhere for her. The moment I step outside I hear someone weeping and I know it’s her. I walk around the side of the building to find her staring up at the sky as she cries.
“Olivia,” I say, getting her attention.
She quickly wipes away her tears, not wanting me to see her cry. “I’m surprised you showed up.” She says with a huff, not hiding that she’s disgusted with me.
“Look, I’m sorry that I left. When shit gets too tough, I bail. It has always been that way with me.”
“I don’t fucking care what your excuse is.” She says as she’s about to walk away from me.
“Olivia,” I say, stopping her. “I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head. “I hate you!” She begins to cry again. “You don’t belong here. We don’t need you. Isn’t that what you said when she was dying in the hospital?” She wants to say more but her tears start to overwhelm her as they keep falling down her cheeks.
I pull her into my arms and let her sob into my chest. “I’m sorry,” I repeat over and over as I press my lips to the top of her head. No words could tell her how bad I feel.
Dad died and I avoided coming back here for years. It’s easier for me to run away from my problems than to deal with them. It’s wrong but it’s the only way I know how to deal. I’m selfish in that way.
“I hate you.” She whispers into my chest as she makes a fist and hits my shoulder. I don’t stop her. She’s in pain and there is nothing I can do to lessen the pain for her. The only thing I can do is try to make up for leaving her all alone.
“I know you do. You have every right to hate me.” I’m not lying. I shouldn’t have told her to make the plans for Mom’s funeral by herself. She was my mom and not hers and yet I wasn’t there helping her with the funeral planning. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.
“Mom.” Savannah comes out looking for Olivia.
She quickly backs away and wipes her face. “Yeah, sweetie?”
Savannah looks at me. “Luke?” She asks with a smile.
“Hey.” It has been less than two months since she left to go with her grandparents, but I can see that she has gotten bigger since then.
“Mom didn’t tell me you were here.”
“I didn’t know if I wanted to come.” I take a step away from Olivia and bury my hands in my pockets as I kneel down in front of her. “Did you go to Disneyland?” I ask, not wanting to talk about the funeral. It’s too depressing for a kid to hear about funerals.
“Yeah.” She looks at Olivia and can see how upset she is.
I hold my hand out. “Tell me all about it. I want to hear about the rides you went on.” I say, leading her the opposite way so Olivia can have privacy.
I listen as she gives me every detail of her trip to Disneyland. She tells me e
verything she bought and ate, which princess she got to meet. She met her favorite, Cinderella.
“Are you babysitting that kid or something?” Erika asks when she sees me sitting with Savannah.
“No. We are talking,” I tell her.
“I wish I would have known you were going to be here,” Savannah says, not bothering to look up at Erika. “I left my rock collection in New York. I got thirty-three. Grandpa has been taking me for walks just to find them.”
Erika looks upset that no one’s paying attention to her so she turns around and walks out.
“Can I ask you something?” Savannah says, looking up at me with sad eyes.
“Sure.”
“How long is it going to take before Mommy stops crying? She has been doing it a lot. I heard her in her room last night. She wouldn’t stop. She looks so sad.”
I put my arm around her, not sure how to answer her question. Olivia called numerous times to tell me about Mom, but I avoided talking to her. I stayed locked up in my bedroom, not wanting to deal with anything. Olivia was here dealing with it all by herself. She’s definitely stronger than I have ever been. I bail when life gets tough. Not her, she faces it head-on. Fuck, she’s the bravest woman I have ever known.
Chapter Thirty-two
Luke
My fucking head is killing me right now! I don’t know what the hell I was thinking drinking all that alcohol. After I left the funeral home yesterday, instead of going back to my hotel, I went to the bar and met up with Matthew. He came straight from the airport to the bar. He couldn’t make the funeral but he wanted to be here for the burial today. We sat at the bar doing shot after shot. I don’t remember him driving me back to the hotel or how I changed out of my clothes. I ended up blacking out. It felt a lot like that night I crashed my car into that apartment building. I lost control.
I watch as they put Mom into the ground. People are standing all around. Some of them I recognize from the nursing home and others I have no clue who they are. There are a lot more people here than I was expecting there to be. I didn’t know she was so popular. I wouldn’t have guessed. She used to be quiet, not one who liked to start conversations with strangers.
Savannah has her arms around Olivia’s waist as she looks down with sadness. Olivia is looking away in a distance like her mind is elsewhere, but then again, I’m pretty sure she’s staring at where her husband is buried a few rows over from where we’re standing.
“I hope my makeup isn’t running,” Erika says, holding her compact in her hand as they continue to lower Mom into the ground. “This heat doesn’t agree with my makeup. It’s too humid here.” She says. She has been complaining ever since we got here.
Once the casket is all the way in the ground, they cover her with dirt. People start walking away. Erika stays with me as I wait for them to finish. Olivia and Savannah are also still here. She hands Savannah a rose to place on top of the dirt. Olivia whispers something to her and they walk away.
“You want to go back to LA tonight? We don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to.” Erika says. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that she doesn’t like being here. She hates this town. It’s too boring for her. It doesn’t live up to her standards. She couldn’t find any stores to shop at.
I turn my head to the left and see Savannah with Olivia standing at her husband’s grave. She’s talking to Savannah. She’s telling her about Ethan as she points to his tombstone.
“Yeah, let’s get out of here,” I say.
Erika reaches for my hand and we walk away. We’re almost to our car when Ben comes walking over to me.
“Are you coming to the house for the Wake?”
This is the first time I’m hearing about the Wake. I guess Olivia would have told me if I would have picked up the phone. Or maybe she doesn’t want me to be there. She’s still angry with me for leaving.
“We still have some packing to do,” Erika says even though Ben is talking to me and not her.
“We could stop in for a few minutes,” I tell her.
She doesn’t hide that she’s mad at me for wanting to go. Plans have changed. We can catch a plane in a few hours.
Olivia
Ben and I are standing in the kitchen avoiding everyone in the living room. We’re hiding out. We have been doing this for the last hour. I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep. I don’t have much energy in me right now to talk to these people. They were Katherine’s friends. She loved them, but I just want to be left alone for the night.
“I can tell everyone to leave if you want to be left alone. I’m sure they will understand.” Ben says, looking at me with sympathy. “It has been a rough few days for you.”
I shake my head. “This day isn’t about me. It’s about honoring Katherine. They are her friends. They have the right to be here and talk about their memories about her. She would have wanted that.”
The sounds of high heels entering the kitchen makes me and Ben both look at the doorway. Erika is walking towards us. If she’s here then he must be too. I thought they already were flying back to LA. I’m surprised they are still here.
“Oh, Olivia, I’m so sorry that Luke’s mom died.” She says in a high pitch fake voice as she pulls me in for a hug.
Ben and I exchange a weird look. From what Luke has told me about her, she’s all about attention. I don’t believe she’s sorry about Katherine. I think she just wants everyone to believe she is. She’s still playing the fake girlfriend role.
It’s hard to hug her back when I slept with her “boyfriend” and she doesn’t have a clue about what went down when he was here. Luke said they weren’t really together in the first place but I can’t pretend to be friendly with her when I still can remember what his tongue felt like on my neck or the way his voice sounded when he would whisper in my ear during sex. Let’s not forget the time she visited and had her hands all over him while I watched. She wanted me to see that he belonged to her.
Luke walks into the room and sees me with Erika. “What’s going on?”
Erika lets go of me. “Honey, I was telling her how sorry I’m about Katherine. It’s still shocking about what happened.” She says as she walks over to him and wraps her arm around his.
Shocking? She met the woman one time! Katherine was busy and wasn't in the mood to talk. I fight the urge to roll my eyes back at her. I’m too tired to even do that at this point.
“Is there anything you need me to do?” Luke ask me. “Do you need any help?”
Yeah, like where the hell were you when I had to plan her funeral all by myself? I needed you then!
I shake my head. “Everything’s taken care of.”
He looks at me and I can see the pain he is in right now along with the bloodshot eyes. I’m beyond angry with him, but I still feel bad for him. The guilt I know he feels for not showing up for years and to only find out about her condition when he arrived here. She had only one good day with him. I know that has to hurt him the most. He didn’t really get a chance to tell her how sorry he was for not coming around. Ben told me he saw Luke in the latest celebrity gossip magazine. It was a photo of him someone snapped when he was walking out of the bar. Ben said he looked horrible and drunk.
“There’s aspirin in the bathroom,” I tell Luke.
“What?”
“For your headache from your hangover. It’s there if you need a pill.”
He stares at me like he’s trying to figure out how I know he’s hungover. During those incredible weeks we got to spend together I gotten pretty used to him. I studied him and right now the guy that is standing here doesn’t look like the Luke I remember. The one in front of me looks so tired, no energy. I feel the same way.
I excuse myself to go to the living room to check on Savannah. It’s just that I can’t be around Luke. I know she’s with Ethan’s parents as they are watching her play on her tablet.
Savannah’s sleeping in my arms while we are sitting on the porch waiting for all the guests to lea
ve. Ethan’s parents left an hour ago. They have been staying at a hotel. They wanted to let her spend the night with me since she’s already sleeping. There’s no need to wake her up.
The screen door opens as Ben and Steve come walking out. “We’re going to head out. Call if you need anything.” Ben say, leaning in to kiss my head.
“Thanks,” I tell him while still holding Savannah. My arms have lost feeling in them quite a while ago. I want to move her, but I’m afraid to wake her up.
I continue to watch as two more cars leave before Luke steps outside and joins me on the porch. “She must be tired.” He says, pointing to Savannah.
“She is,” I answer, not sure what to say to him.
“Why don’t I put her to bed for you?” He offers.
I want to tell him no. That it’s fine and I will move her soon, but I don’t have the energy to pick her up and carry her to the bedroom, so I let him. “Be careful with her head,” I warn him as he leans over to take her.
Savannah must be in a deep state of sleep because she doesn’t wake up the whole time Luke is carrying her. I pull her blanket up and turn on her nightlight before stepping into the hallway where Luke’s standing.
“How are you doing?” He asks, standing with his hands in his pockets looking nervous.
“I’m okay. How are you holding up?”
“Not too good.”
I figured that since I can see his bloodshot eyes. He has been drinking a lot lately. I just hope he isn’t doing anything stupid when he is drinking like wrecking his car into another building. I’m sure Ben would have told me if he saw anything like that on the internet.
“Luke,” I say, touching his shoulder. “I’m here if you need me.”
He opens his mouth to speak but is cut off. “Babe, you ready?” Erika asks, standing at the end of the hallway, watching us.
“Yeah, let’s go.” He says not looking at me while he walks away.
Chapter Thirty-three
Luke
Erika went to Florida with her friends for the weekend. I decided to send everyone home. No maids, trainers or cook. It’s just me alone in the house for the next two days. I have to admit it’s nice having privacy without people barging in to check on me. I’m sick of them asking me if I’m alright. Tell me, how am I supposed to feel?