No Regrets
Page 8
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“For what? For having feelings?”
“For ruining lunch.”
“Stop it. You didn’t ruin anything. As soon as I saw the tears, I moved the sandwiches out of the way.” She sat back down and held up a plate. “See, all dry.”
“Good reflexes.” I wiped my eyes with a napkin.
“Reflexes extraordinaire you might say.”
A giggle bubbled out of me. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For making me laugh.”
“Anytime,” she said. “Anytime.”
Beth
I turned the open/closed sign in the salon window around and unlocked the door. Cindy came in followed by Al Ferguson. I was surprised that his mother wasn’t with him. A quick glance at the schedule book told me he didn’t have an appointment.
“Hello, Mr. Ferguson. What can we do for you today?” I gave my best customer service smile.
“Al. Please.”
“Al. What can I do for you?” I repeated.
“I was wondering…” He paused. “I was wondering,” he started again. “If I could take you out to dinner some time.”
I was taken aback. I hadn’t been asked out in a long time. I felt like I was stumbling over my words. “Um…well…a…yes. Yes, that would be very nice.” He seemed like a nice enough guy. He certainly treated his mother well. That surely was a good thing.
A smile took over his face. “Yes?”
I nodded.
“That’s great. Friday? Would Friday work for you?”
I ran my schedule through my head. “Yes. I’m here till six.”
“Should I pick you up here?”
I nodded. “Six thirty?”
“Perfect,” he said. “Wonderful.” He walked to the door. “See you on Friday.” With a wave, he was gone.
“Nice looking guy.” My sister walked in as Al walked out.
“Hi, Jen. Whatcha’ doing here?”
“Hopefully, getting a haircut. I figured third time would be the charm. Do you have time?”
“You’re in luck. Go ahead and have a seat. Let me finish setting up and I’ll be right there.”
I unlocked the register, counted the drawer, and turned the answering machine off. I had just draped the cape around my sister’s neck when she looked at me in the mirror.
“So, your friend,” she started. “Jodi.”
I grabbed the spray bottle from the counter. “What about her?”
“She’s gay, isn’t she?”
I stopped spraying water onto Jen’s hair. “What?”
“She mentioned someone named Claire calling on her lunch hour. Is that her wife?”
I felt the heat rise to my cheeks. “Partner.” There. I said it and the world didn’t stop. What the hell was wrong with me?
“I thought she gave off a gay vibe.”
I continued wetting her hair. “What are you talking about?”
“You know the people at church wouldn’t approve of your friendship?”
I turned her chair around so she was facing me. “Jodi is the kindest person I know.”
She put her hands up. “I’m not saying it. I don’t have a problem. I’m glad you have a friend. I’m just warning you that it might be frowned upon.”
“What the fuck kind of a Christian attitude is that?”
Jen burst out laughing. “What kind of Christian language is that?”
I turned her chair back around but kept eye contact in the mirror as I worked on her hair.
I was at a loss for words. Jodi had more heart than most of the people sitting in those church pews each Sunday. They could take their backward attitudes and stick it up their asses. But church was important to me, even if those people weren’t. “I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t say anything to anyone.” I was ashamed of my words almost as soon as they were out of my mouth. No. I refused to be ashamed of Jodi. Of my friendship with her.
“I wonder—” Jen started to say.
“Scratch that,” I told her. “Never mind. I don’t care.”
“Beth. Chill. It’s not that big a deal.”
But Jodi was a big deal to me.
Jodi
The kids had been gone most of the summer, and sex with Claire had happened only once in all that time. It seemed forced, almost robotic on her part. It made me wonder why I had even bothered trying.
I had dinner with Beth, Maddie, and Beth’s mom a couple of times when Claire had to work late. I really enjoyed their company and Beth treating me like I was part of the family. She had been dating a man named Al for most of the summer. I had met him a few times and he seemed like a nice enough guy. For some reason, I didn’t like it. I told myself it was because she had less time for me, but if I was being honest with myself it was probably more than that. I still loved Claire—with all my heart—but I spent so much time being angry at her lately that it made spending time with Beth all the better.
I opened a bottle of beer and brought it downstairs so I could work on a design for a new customer. Claire was at work and the house was quiet. Tess sat at my feet keeping me company.
I missed my kids. I missed Claire even though she hadn’t really gone anywhere. Or maybe she had. Our relationship certainly wasn’t what it used to be. But I was nowhere near ready to give up on it.
I had been working for a couple of hours when Tess picked her head up. She heard the sound the same time that I did.
“Hey, babe. I’m home.” It was Claire.
“Up in a few.”
I saved my work on the computer, shut everything down, and headed up the stairs.
Tess beat me up and greeted Claire with lick on the hand and a wildly wagging tail.
“Okay, enough,” Claire told her. “Hi, hon,” she said to me. “I just came home to change. Remember I have that office party for Milly. Today was her last day. Retiring after twenty-five years. You’re still welcome to come with me.”
I didn’t want to. I didn’t know those people, and even though Claire did her best to include me, I still felt like an outsider. “I appreciate that. I’m sure you’ll have more fun without me.”
“Suit yourself.” She grabbed her briefcase and headed upstairs to change.
I opened the refrigerator to figure out what leftovers I could warm up for myself later for dinner. The ravioli and meatballs from two days ago would have to do.
Claire came down wearing a fresh pair of jeans and T shirt. It was obviously a casual gathering. She kissed me on the cheek and headed out the door.
My phone rang as I was putting my dinner in the microwave. It was Beth. “Hey.”
“Hi. Whatcha doing?”
“Warming up leftovers. I lead a very exciting life.”
“I was hoping you were free to see a movie with me. Maybe catch dinner if you haven’t eaten yet. And it sounds like you haven’t. But I don’t want to interfere with your exciting leftover plans.”
I pulled my plate from the microwave. “I might be persuaded to give up my leftovers for dinner and a movie.”
“Oh yeah. And what would it take to persuade you?”
“Just ask me nice.” I smiled at our exchange.
“Pretty please, would you go to dinner and a movie with me?”
I wrapped the plate of food in plastic wrap and stuck it back in the fridge. “Okay. Stop begging. I’ll go.”
A half hour later, I was sitting across from Beth laughing my head off with a drink in my hand.
“So, the kids should be back next week, right?” Beth asked.
“Yep. I talk to them a few times a week, but it’s not the same. Their dad is good to them, but I’ll be glad to have them back.”
“I’m sure.”
“How’s it going with Al?” I asked, both needing to know and not really wanting the answer.
“Great. He treats me really good. Always buying me flowers and gifts. I’ve never really had that kind of attention from anyone before.”
Beth
My mind was still on Jodi and our evening together the next day as I walked up to Al’s door. It was great to be able to spend time with her. I really missed her. I knew it was my fault I hadn’t seen her as much lately. I’d been spending more and more time with Al. I liked him and it made sense. I pushed the fact that I would have rather spent my time with Jodi deep in that secret compartment in my heart where I didn’t have to think about it or face it.
I knocked on Al’s door and he opened it with a smile across his face. “Hi, sweetie pie,” he said. He pulled me into a tight hug. “Come on in. Mom’s at daycare. We have the place to ourselves.”
We had been dating almost two months and hadn’t yet slept together. Part of it was that we both had other people living with us. Sleepovers just weren’t practical at this point. My work schedule kept most of my days full. Al was a stockbroker so his schedule was pretty much his own. I took the day off for the precise reason of having sex. It was time. Al had been more than patient.
It felt good to be held, to be touched, to be wanted. It had been way too long. As I lay in his arms afterward, naked, vulnerable, momentarily satisfied, he whispered in my ear.
“I love you.” His quiet declaration took me by surprise.
I searched my mind and my heart to see if I could return his sentiment. I wasn’t sure. I felt I was on the edge of such feelings but wasn’t quite there. “I love you too,” I heard myself say. I wasn’t sure where the words were coming from. But there they were.
He pulled me in for a kiss which deepened quickly and became much more. After our second round of lovemaking, I told myself maybe I did love him.
“Will you stay for dinner?” Al asked me as we scrambled to put our clothes back on. He had to pick his mother up from her adult daycare. We had lost track of time and he was cutting it close.
“I would love to, but Maddie will be home and I promised her we would order pizza from her favorite place tonight.” She had, at my insistence, gotten a summer job. Working as a counselor at our local park seemed to suit her well, and her general attitude adjustment had been a welcome change. I was sure the fact that I let her buy a used car and covered the insurance on it contributed to the change as well.
“Have her come here. Order the pizza and we can all eat together. It won’t take me long to go get Mom.”
Maddie did seem to like Al. We hadn’t actually talked about it, but I’m sure she was glad I had someone taking so much of my attention.
“Sure. We can do that. I’ll give her a call.”
“Make yourself at home. I’ll be back in a flash.” Al kissed me one more time and headed out the door. I made my way to the living room. Al and his mom lived in Pittsford, an affluent, most would say rich, neighborhood, and the house reflected the area. The large two-story home sported five bedrooms, three full baths, and a fully finished basement. Al had moved in with his mother when her memory problems proved to be dementia and it became obvious that she could no longer care for herself. The seemingly selfless act raised him up several notches in my mind.
A quick call to Maddie and another to the pizza place and my tasks were done. With time to kill, I pulled up the contact list on my phone and hit Jodi’s name. She answered on the second ring.
“Insane asylum. Main nut speaking. How can I help you?”
I laughed. “That bad, huh?”
“It was. It’s looking up now that I’m talking to you.”
“What’s going on?”
“Oh, just struggling with a design for a very picky client. No biggy. I’ll hit on something he likes. What’s going on with you?”
“I’m hanging at Al’s waiting for him to get home with his mother.” I left out the fact that we had made love for the first time. I shared almost everything with Jodi. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t share that. “I don’t want to interrupt your work. Should I let you get back to it?”
“Hell no. I could use the break. And talking to you is not only a break, it’s a treat.”
I smiled. Talking to Jodi always made me feel good. I made a mental note to do it more. No more neglecting this wonderful person on the other end of the phone.
Jodi
The kids had been home and back in school for the last four months. It was good to have them home, and Christmas was just around the corner. One of my favorite times of the year. I had made a handful of new friends in Rochester, but Beth had remained my closest friend and confidant. Things with Claire were going good. Maybe good was an overstatement. Smoothly was more accurate. Sex was still a rare occurrence, but I was doing research on low sex drives and the causes and was more optimistic that maybe we could fix the problem. Although, I was the only one who seemed to think it was problem. Claire seemed perfectly fine having sex every six months or so. Even that seemed like it was too much for her.
I put the thoughts of Claire aside and concentrated on my Christmas list. I had the kids pretty much figured out. Annie had gotten her own iPad from Claire and me for her birthday in September. She was a budding artist and writer. She loved playing around with the drawing and writing apps. A really nice, aka expensive, stylist pencil, along with a wireless keyboard would certainly help her up her game. Andrew was into video games much more than I would have liked, but he wanted the latest version of Super Mario Odyssey, and seeing it wasn’t violent we got it for him. Claire and I had agreed not to go overboard with gifts for each other so she was getting a new wallet. It was Beth I was stuck on. I wanted to get her something nice. Something that showed I cared, but not something that showed I cared too much.
She and Al were still going strong. I’m sure he would be getting her something spectacular. He was always very generous with her. Her jewelry collection had grown by leaps and bounds since they started dating.
I opened my computer to look for ideas for the perfect Christmas gift for her. I was still scouring the internet when she called.
“Speak of the devil,” I said into the phone when I answered.
“Were you speaking of the devil or am I the devil of which you speak?”
“I’ve always thought of you more as an angel than a devil.”
“Good to know. This angel would like to know if you are free for lunch tomorrow.”
I knew Beth’s life was often a juggling act between her daughter, her business, and Al, but I appreciated the fact that Beth always seemed to make time for us to be together.
“For you? I’ll make sure I’m free. Just tell me where and when.”
“Twelve thirty? Benny’s by the salon?”
“You got it.” I found myself looking forward to it, more than I was willing to admit to myself.
* * *
I slid into the booth across from Beth.
A huge smile lit up her face. “Al asked me to marry him.”
Her words hit me square in the chest. I forced a smile. Of course, he asked her. Why wouldn’t he? Beth was a catch. Beautiful. Kind. Genuine. A rare find. If I was single and she was gay I would have pursued her with all I was worth. She deserved the best in life and Al seemed like a good guy. I wanted her to be happy. I truly did. “What did you say?”
“I said yes, of course.” I looked at the hand she held up. It sported a large diamond ring.
Bigger than I knew I could ever afford to give her. Stop it, I told my brain. You will never be buying her a ring. She’s marrying someone else. She will never be yours. Besides, I had Claire. I loved Claire. I built a life with Claire. But Beth. What was it about Beth? She smiled at me. The answer to my question was in her smile. It was pure. Her whole being radiated with it. My feelings for her couldn’t be summed up in words. Yes, there was love, but it went far beyond that. I knew my feelings transcended this life. They reached back to before we were born and they reached into the future further than anything I could co
mprehend. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it, I thought. Be happy for her. I stood and put my arms out to her. She extracted herself from the booth and I pulled her into a tight hug. I did my best to ignore her heart beating against mine and the way my blood ran hotter when she was this close.
Beth
The last couple of months were a whirlwind of activity. I would have been happy to wait a year and plan the wedding a little at a time. Al wanted to get married right away. He rented the venue, planned the meal, and help me pick out the invitations. Maddie was my maid of honor, Jen and Jodi were my bridesmaids. They all looked so beautiful. Especially Jodi in the peach colored full-length gown we had picked out together for her to wear. My heart skipped a beat when she tried it on and did a twirl in front of me. I took her shoulders and turned her toward the mirror on the other side of the room. Her skin beneath my fingertips was warm. Too warm. My fingers ached to move over that soft skin. To caress her. I brought my attention back to the task at hand and the fact that I was getting married.
“You like it?” she asked me, catching my eye in the mirror.
I like you, I thought. Too much. I like you too much. I was getting married and my thoughts were on Jodi. Her beauty. Her warmth. Her.
“Beth?”
I brought my thoughts back to the dress. “Very much. You?”
She turned around until we were face-to-face. She was so close to me. “Beth?”
I was flustered by her close proximity.
“Beth?” she repeated.
I took a step back and turned around.
Her hands were on my shoulders briefly before she wrapped her arms around me. “Beth,” she said one more time, this time directly in my ear. It sent a shiver down my spine. “Are you okay?”
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. “Just nerves.” I pulled out of her warm, comforting embrace.