No Regrets

by Joy Argento

  “How did it go?” I asked her when she came out.

  “It was a simulation. I had forgotten that this appointment was a CT scan to locate the tumor and the exact place to aim the radiation.” She lifted her shirt to show me a small mark on her skin. “Right here.”

  I hadn’t gone with her to the appointment to discuss the radiation therapy and what to expect. I made a mental note not to miss any other appointments. It wasn’t like Jodi to forget things, but she was so overwhelmed with this disease, I wasn’t surprised.

  “No side effects today, so if you want you can go to work after you drop me off. I wanted to work on a new design idea I have for a sign, so I’ll be fine.” I was happy to hear that. She’d finished the sign orders she had already started when she was first diagnosed but hadn’t done any work since. It had been like she was sitting back, waiting to die.

  I took her up on her offer to just drop her back off at home but decided not to go to work. I ran home, grabbed a few odds and ends that I wanted with me at Jodi’s, and then headed to my mother’s.

  “Hi, sweetie,” Mom said. I found her in the backyard, working in her garden. “No work today.”

  I sat in a nearby lawn chair. “No, Jodi had her first radiation appointment today.”

  “Oh, that’s right. Let me go wash my hands. Come on in. I have iced tea in the house. You can tell me how it went.”

  I filled my mom in on the few details for today.

  “She is so lucky to have a friend like you.”

  I tapped my finger on the side of my glass, avoiding my mother’s eyes. “It’s more than that, Mom.”

  “She’s your best friend. I know that.”

  I took a deep breath and searched for the best words. I decided to dive right in. “I love her.” I looked up at her to gauge her reaction.

  “Of course, you do, honey.”

  I let out a small laugh and shook my head. This wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought. But so far it would have made a great comedy routine. I started again. “I’m in love with her.”

  A look of confusion crossed her face. “What do you mean?”

  I gave it a minute to sink in. I could see the cogs turning in her head and the moment she understood.

  “Oh. Um…Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Was it something I did?”

  “What?”

  “Did I not pay enough attention to you when you were growing up? Or maybe I should have remarried after your father died. You probably needed a man around to see how life was supposed to be.”

  “Mom. Stop. You didn’t do anything. This isn’t something that’s wrong.”

  She went to the fridge, opened the door, and peered in. “I have cheesecake if you want a piece.”

  “Mom, sit down. I don’t want cheesecake. I want to talk to you.”

  “How about a sandwich?”

  “Should I not talk about this?”

  She turned toward me. “I didn’t raise you to be gay.”

  I didn’t bother to correct her. Words and labels didn’t matter. I loved Jodi, and as they say, it was what it was. She could call it what she wanted.

  “Mom. Sit. Please.”

  She did. Silently.

  “You know Jodi. She’s a great person. She makes me happy.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  “I just want to know that you still love me.”

  She reached for my hand and held it between her hands. “Oh, honey. Of course, I love you. I will always love you. I just worry. This isn’t an easy thing.”

  “I fought it for a long time, Mom, and I was miserable. I tried to be married. And I was miserable. It’s different with Jodi. I’m happy. So happy.”

  “Is it because of all the men that have hurt you that you want to be with a woman now?”

  “No. They have nothing to do with this.”

  “So, what now? Are you going to have a gay wedding?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “I think it’s just called a wedding. And I don’t know what’s going to happen. It is way too early for that. Right now, we just need to concentrate on Jodi getting well.”

  The conversation took a turn to Jodi’s health. The three most important people in my life now knew—and the world didn’t end. I had spent so much time running from myself and from the truth that it felt like I had been holding my breath and could finally breathe. It was such a relief. Now we just had to get Jodi better. Maybe I could think of a thing or two to give her something to live for. I made a quick stop at Jen’s house before going back to Jodi’s. There were a few things I wanted to borrow.

  Jodi

  I was feeling restless after Beth dropped me off. I sat at my desk in the corner of my living room, toying with some new sign ideas. They weren’t working out. The more I tried putting an idea down on paper the more frustrated I got that it wasn’t working.

  I heard the door open and close behind me.

  “How’s it going?” Beth asked.

  I wasn’t sure if she did it on purpose, but her voice, low and sultry, sent a chill down my spine and a surge of moisture into my underwear.

  “Not good,” I confessed. “It just doesn’t seem to be coming today.”

  She sauntered up to my desk and smiled. “That’s the problem. Because coming is a good thing.”

  “Huh?” I managed to spit out as she got closer. The silky white shirt she was wearing was slit from her collarbone to where the top of her bra would have been had she been wearing one. When had she changed out of her T-shirt and jeans from earlier? The shirt hugged her full breasts and allowed her nipples to protrude just enough to make me squirm.

  “Why don’t we see if we can correct that?” She gently pulled the pad of paper from my hands and tossed it on my desk. She tugged at the pen in my hand. I was so focused on her chest, inches from my face, that I didn’t realize the grip I had on it.

  “You’re going to be needing that hand for something else,” she whispered.

  I released the pen. Perspiration gathered at the back of my neck. She turned my chair toward her, and straddled me. Her black, flowing skirt caught air and I realized that she wasn’t wearing any underpants.

  She pushed a strand of her dark blond hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. In a single movement, she removed any space between us and circled the outside of my lips with the tip of her tongue. The shiver it sent through me settled squarely between my legs.

  I slid my hands up the back of her silky shirt and pulled her head down to me. I kissed her with a hunger that had been building since the last time we made love.

  She moaned loudly as I pushed my tongue between her lips and she eagerly sucked it in. Her hands were on their own mission and I found my shirt unbuttoned. Thumbs racked over my nipples through my bra, and they tightened against the fabric. I need it off, my mind screamed. I needed her hands on my skin.

  Beth must have had a similar thought because she pushed my bra up and kneaded my flesh with her hands. I felt the heat from my own body reflected back at me from hers. My moans were swallowed by her eager mouth.

  She pulled back long enough to look into my eyes and say, “Touch me.” It was both a plea and a demand.

  I pushed her skirt back to gain access to her center with my fingers. She groaned loudly as I found my target, wet and ready. She tilted her pelvis back gaining me better access. I wrapped my arm around her back keeping her firmly in place.

  “I need you,” she gasped. “I need you inside me.”

  I slipped my middle finger into her wetness and ran my thumb through her folds.

  Her lips found mine again and she kissed me hard.

  I slid my finger in and out of her, but I couldn’t get deep enough. I pulled her in tight, and in one swift movement, I stood up with enough momentum to move her from my lap to my desktop.

  She pushed a cup of pencils, paperweight and anything else in the way to the floor. I leaned her back and bent over her. I kissed her as
I slipped my finger from her center. She let out a whimper of disappointment that turned to a moan as I pushed back inside of her with two fingers this time. In this position, I could more easily find what I was seeking. I found the soft spongy area swollen with her arousal. I stroked the center of her pleasure. Her mouth left mine. “Oh my God,” she said, her voice husky. “Oh my God.”

  I moved my fingers in unison, sliding in and out just enough to keep contact with the spot. Her hips kept rhythm with me.

  With my other hand, I unbuttoned her shirt. It slipped open, exposing her full breasts. I brought my mouth down to first one and then the other, sucking and lapping at the erect pink nipples.

  She pulled my face back up to hers and kissed me, sweeping the inside of my mouth with her tongue. My pulsed quickened and my breath caught in my throat. I had never been kissed so thoroughly. My soul emptied into her.

  She released me. Her ragged breathing told me she was getting close. I wanted my mouth on her heat when she went over the edge, and I changed my position to make it possible. I continued slipping in and out of her wetness as my tongue made its way through her velvet folds.

  Her breath became ragged and her hips bucked upward as she let out a loud moan. Her muscles tightened around my fingers, and I licked her hard as the first wave of an orgasm ripped through her.

  I felt my own muscles tighten and a surge of moisture as her excitement became mine. I forced myself to relax and turned my attention back to her.

  “Take off your pants,” she half whispered, half moaned.

  I was more shocked that she could speak at all than at her request. I reluctantly slipped my fingers from her and obeyed.

  She eased herself over so she was almost on her side, legs dangling over the edge of my desk. “Now come here.” She pulled me closer wrapping one leg around me. Our centers met in a tangle of hair and wetness. She rubbed herself against me.

  I wasn’t sure I could remain standing and she seemed to sense this. She pulled at the collar of my shirt until I was bent over her.

  “I won’t let you go,” she whispered wrapping her arms around my neck. Her hips continued to gyrate, pushing her sex against mine. Her lips met mine and she kissed me gently at first, then with more urgency as she once again edged close to coming.

  Heat rose from my center through my chest and into my throat. A tear slipped from my eyes as I squeezed them shut, and I felt Beth come against me. My own orgasm ripped through me and we rocked together gathering every last drop of it until we were both spent and breathing hard.

  We stayed in this position for what seemed like hours but was probably only minutes. My legs were weak, and I had trouble standing when Beth gently pushed me up.

  She slid off my desk, buttoned her shirt, and smoothed her skirt down. “That should help you come up with an idea for the sign,” she said. Without another word, she turned and went into the kitchen.

  “Holy shit,” I said out loud to no one.

  * * *

  Anxiety moved in and settled in my stomach as I waited for my first radiation treatment the next day. Beth put her hand on my knee that I didn’t realize I was nervously bouncing. I was called in rather quickly. Beth squeezed my hand, and I followed the technician back to the room. The procedure was quick. The hardest part was staying in one position without moving the whole time.

  “How are you feeling?” Beth asked me once we were back at my apartment.

  “Wicked tired.”

  “Why don’t you take a nap? I’ll get lunch ready and wake you up in a little while.”

  She didn’t have to tell me twice. I made my way to the bedroom and fell asleep within minutes. It seemed like I hadn’t slept at all when I was roused by Beth gently shaking my shoulder.

  “Huh?”

  “Jodi.”

  “Um. Yeah?”

  “Want to get up? I’ve got dinner ready.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Six o’clock. You were sleeping so deeply that I didn’t want to wake you up for lunch. But you really do need to eat something. Can you get up?”

  “I’m not really hungry.”

  “Not an option. You need to keep your strength up. Come on.” She tapped my arm. “Get up.”

  I reluctantly did so. I picked at my food but managed to get enough down to keep Beth happy. I wasn’t nauseous, just not very hungry.

  The next three weeks went pretty much the same. I had my radiation treatments every morning five days a week with weekends off. At the end of each week, my tumor was scanned and measured. It was shrinking at a steady rate. At the end of the three weeks, I met with my doctor. Beth of course was by my side.

  Surgery was scheduled for the end of the week. A plethora of mixed feelings coursed through me. I was anxious to get this over with. Anxious to see the outcome. Anxious to get on with my life. But fear seemed to be the predominate feeling.

  Beth was great throughout the radiation treatments, making sure I ate, taking care of all the things I couldn’t seem to manage because of fatigue. The fatigue also got in the way of our love life. One more reason to get this over with. The thought of making love to Beth again definitely was a great motivator.

  I talked to both Annie and Andrew the day before my surgery. I still hadn’t told Annie I had the same kind of cancer that had killed her grandmother. I didn’t see the need to scare her. All she knew was I had a small tumor they were removing. Beth promised to call them both when I was in recovery with an update. Andrew had made special arrangements to be on base so he could take the call. It would more than likely be nighttime there.

  I was getting used to the hospital prep routine, the papers I needed to sign, and my least favorite part, the IV. At least this was a real room and not a cubby surrounded by curtains.

  “Doing okay?” Beth asked as she came into the room. “Home stretch.”

  I nodded. “I can’t wait for this all to be over. I am so sick of hospitals and doctors.”

  “I hope you aren’t talking about me.” Dr. Daniels walked into the room.

  “If I said yes, would you hold it against me?” I answered.

  “No. I’m sick of hospitals and doctors too,” he said. “But I like the nurses and orderlies.”

  “Yeah. They are pretty cool.”

  He pointed to the bag of saline dripping fluid into me. “I see they have you all hooked up and ready to go.” He went over the procedure with Beth and me one more time. “They’ll be up to get you in about”—he glanced at his watch—“twenty minutes. I’ll see you in the OR.”

  “Thanks, Doc. I was just joking about being sick of you. You’ve been great.”

  “I’m glad my reputation is still intact.” With a wave, he made his exit.

  Beth sat close in the chair by the bed and laid her head on my shoulder. I couldn’t imagine it was too comfortable. “You’ve come along way, honey, and it’s almost over.”

  I stroked her hair with the hand that wasn’t tethered to the IV. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I don’t think I could have gotten through this without you.”

  She picked her head up and looked at me. “Of course. But you could have gotten through it. You’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

  “Your faith in me makes me strong.”

  “Damn, woman. Take the compliment without giving me credit.”

  “Okay. I’m strong. I’ll get through this, and we can live happily ever after.”

  “I would like that.” She put her head back down and we stayed like that—quiet—together, until the nurse came and put a shot of something to relax me in the port in my IV line. The shot hadn’t taken effect yet, when a guy in scrubs came to take me to surgery.

  “I’ll see you soon.” Beth gave me a lingering kiss on the mouth.

  “If that’s what I can expect, then I’ll be back before you know it.”

  I was feeling woozy as I was wheeled into the operating room and moved from the bed to the operating table. I was having
trouble keeping my eyes open when someone placed a mask over my mouth and nose and I was instructed to count backward from one hundred. The last number I remember saying was ninety-seven. Then nothing.

  I could hear someone saying my name, but my mouth didn’t feel strong enough to answer and my eyes refused to open. I went back to sleep, but had no idea for how long, before I heard my name again. “Jodi. Can you wake up for me?”

  I opened my eyes just enough to see who was talking to me. To say I was groggy would have been an understatement.

  “Hey there. It’s time to wake up, hon.”

  I didn’t know who she was. Her thin face and horn-rimmed glasses didn’t look familiar. I wished she would just leave me alone and let me sleep.

  “Your girlfriend is anxious to see you.”

  Girlfriend? Beth? I shook my head trying to get the cobwebs dislodged. Beth. I wanted to see Beth. I must have drifted back to sleep, because when I opened my eyes again there was a totally different nurse in the room with me. She checked the machines I was hooked to and made notes in the computer.

  “Where’s Beth?” I managed to croak out.

  “Well, hello there. You’ve been out a while. I’ll see if she’s still in the waiting area. She might have gone to the cafeteria.”

  I nodded. Talking was proving to be a major effort.

  The nurse came back a few minutes later, followed by Beth. Beth came to the side of the bed and brushed a lock of hair away from my face. “Hi, honey. You had me all kinds of worried.”

  The blood pressure cuff around my arm puffed up and the machine it was attached to hummed loudly. I waited for it to stop before answering. “Why?”

  “You’ve been asleep an awfully long time. They were having trouble waking you up.”

  “They should have just sent you in. I would have woken up for you.”

  The nurse, Marcy, her name tag said, stepped closer to the bed. “How you feeling, dear?”

  She looked too young to be a nurse and definitely too young to be calling me dear.