Jackal's Dance

by Beverley Harper

  She pushed him away and sat, waiting for the calm to come back. But it wouldn’t. Her ears were ringing. Nothing was real. Thea heard herself giggle.

  ‘Thea. Let me in, I want to help you. Talk to me. Say something.’

  She pressed fingers tightly against her temple. His voice sounded far away, like she was under water. The ringing in her ears became a roar.

  ‘Thea, what’s going on?’

  ‘Nothing.’ Her voice was wrong, high-pitched and tense. ‘Not a damned thing. My marriage is over. I was unfaithful. I’m pregnant. I’m leaving. Dinner can go to hell. I need a drink. But nothing is happening. How strange.’

  He sat next to her, his hands on her arms, his eyes not leaving her face. ‘He hit you, didn’t he?’

  ‘Yes. It doesn’t matter. I probably deserved it.’ She shook him off. ‘I want a drink.’

  ‘No you don’t,’ he said gently. ‘What you need is a hug.’

  Thea was completely unaware of the tears running down her face. ‘That sounds nice. Yes, a hug. With a bit of luck, it’ll lead precisely to where it did before. Just what I need. A perfect end to the fucking awful day I’ve had already.’ She couldn’t see properly, there was something wrong with her eyes. She rubbed at them feeling the wetness on her hands. ‘Oh!’

  Sean’s arms reached out and he pulled her close. Thea buried her face into him as the sobbing started. She cried for a very long time. When the tears finally subsided, and with her face still against his chest, she murmured, ‘Thank you.’ Her voice had come back to normal. ‘For a moment there I thought I must be going mad.’

  Sean’s answer was to hug her tighter.

  Eventually, she moved and sat up. ‘Nothing like a good cry so they say.’

  Her face was blotchy, eyes red, but she had lost the look of blind panic that had taken her close to the edge of hysteria. ‘You shouldn’t try to pretend nothing’s wrong. That won’t help. Let it out, don’t bottle it up.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to. I couldn’t help it. I felt frozen.’

  ‘God Thea, I am so sorry. This is my fault. I feel responsible. Saying sorry doesn’t cover it. It’s pathetically inadequate but I mean it.’

  Thea snatched at a tissue from a box beside the bed, blew her nose and turned to look at Sean. ‘The marriage was in trouble anyway. Billy only married me to get this job. Things have been strained between us from the start. He didn’t throw me out because of you, if that’s what you’re thinking. In fact, he asked me to stay. I left because I don’t love him any more. That’s why I felt so peculiar. I mean, I still loved him this morning. How can something like that just die? Does it mean I didn’t ever love him? That all the while I was fooling myself? It felt real enough. It’s scary, Sean. How can I trust my feelings in the future?’

  Sean was well out of his depth but he knew she wanted an answer. ‘Kick a devoted dog often enough and it will eventually bite you.’

  Thea’s eyes widened and she snorted out a bark of laughter. ‘Thanks a lot.’

  ‘I didn’t mean –’

  His hesitation made the moment. Suddenly, Thea couldn’t stop laughing. At first the hilarity seemed forced but in seconds it turned to healthy humour, real mirth. It took several minutes before she could stop. ‘The next time I need advice,’ Thea said, dabbing at her eyes, ‘remind me to ask someone else.’

  ‘I’m not really too good at this. Sorry.’

  ‘I’m not.

  That was a jewel.’

  ‘Feeling better?’

  ‘Wrung out. Confused. I don’t know. But yes, better. Thanks.’

  ‘Like you said, it’s been a big day.’

  Thea smiled slightly. ‘I still want that drink.’

  ‘Okay. But don’t overdo it. There’s a lot of pent-up stuff still inside you that will need to come out slowly, not all at once. Now, go wash your face.’

  She rose, still smiling, heading towards the bathroom. ‘Yes, Daddy.’

  On a bit of a therapeutic roll, Sean added, ‘And don’t forget behind your ears.’

  Thea paused, turning to look back at him. The expression on her face was one of gratitude and fondness. ‘Thanks, friend.’

  He grinned. ‘My pleasure, friend.’

  Listening to water splashing, Sean’s heart was lighter than at any time since meeting Thea. She had a long way to go, he knew that. He might still lose her. But she was more within reach now, and if he had to, Sean would turn himself inside-out to win her love. ‘Slowly,’ he cautioned himself. ‘Go carefully.’

  By the time Thea and Sean walked into the bar, Chester and Dan knew she’d moved into a bungalow and a couple of the guests were aware of undercurrents. Everyone tried to act naturally. Thea’s confidence fluctuated wildly, and to cover it up, she was trying too hard. All might have been well but for the fact that Billy arrived in the bar a few minutes later.

  He had gone from contrite to angry shortly after Thea moved out. Billy felt betrayed and let down, convinced that his wife had ruined everything. Now he needed to take it out on someone. He’d come into the bar to have another go at Caitlin for offering the students a free game drive, but when he saw Thea obviously enjoying herself in Sean Hudson’s company, Billy’s ire swung back to her. ‘Why aren’t you in the kitchen?’

  ‘Don’t feel like it.’ The first double scotch hadn’t hit the sides and was already providing a sense of confidence and overdone calm not unlike the effect of too many Valium. Thea couldn’t have cared less about anything.

  ‘It’s part of your job.’

  ‘So it is.’

  ‘Well?’

  Billy’s eyes bulged when he was angry. She hadn’t noticed that before. Highly unattractive. ‘Chef will have to cope without me. I’m having a night off.’

  Billy glanced quickly round the crowded bar. The lodge’s excellent cook was noted for a tendency to lose it if diners exceeded ten in number. ‘Caitlin, would you mind?’

  ‘Yes I would, actually. I’m a ranger, not your bloody flunky.’ Her voice remained quiet but there was no mistaking that she meant business.

  Billy’s face became thunderous. ‘Someone has to supervise the staff.’

  ‘You’re the boss. You do it.’ Caitlin turned her back on him.

  Thea giggled and downed half her second drink.

  Sean extended a hand, a small shake of his head warning her not to drink so fast. Billy saw the gesture. ‘Didn’t take you long to step into my shoes,’ he hissed quietly. Not quietly enough. ‘Oh, of course, I forgot, you were wearing them this afternoon.’

  Felicity and Philip, standing nearby, heard. The look that passed between them was loud and clear. ‘Trouble brewing.’ Not wishing to eavesdrop, both moved away.

  ‘Shut it,’ Dan warned. ‘Now is not the time for this.’

  ‘You have no idea –’ Billy began.

  ‘No, I don’t. Nor do I wish to have. Keep it down or get out.’

  Billy started to say more but was conscious that several guests were now eyeing the group of rangers with more than a passing interest. Locking eyes with Thea, then Dan and finally Sean, he saw that no-one was going to offer assistance. Turning, Billy made his way through the dining room to the kitchen. But the damage was done. Thea’s bravado collapsed.

  The embarrassed silence that followed was broken by Sean. ‘Thea and Billy have separated. They’re both upset.’

  Caitlin touched Thea on the arm. ‘If you need to talk, I’m here, okay?’

  Thea nodded. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Do you want to stay?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  Caitlin tucked an arm through one of Thea’s. ‘Would it help if we circulated? You know, get your mind off it?’

  ‘No more drinks,’ Sean warned.

  Thea gave a short laugh. ‘In my condition, you mean? Don’t worry, the marriage might be over but this pregnancy is only just beginning.’ She could hear the bitterness in her own words.

  ‘Oh Jesus!’ Caitlin squeezed Thea’s arm. ‘You poor we
e lamb.’

  Dan saw the desperation on Thea’s face. The girl was one step away from breaking down. She was trying to hold on but needing to let go. And, if what she’d just said about being pregnant was true, drinking herself into oblivion wouldn’t exactly help. She needed to download, but not that way. Caitlin or Sean were the obvious choices to provide company – Thea shouldn’t be on her own at the moment – but by the sounds of it, Sean might also be a bad idea.

  The problem was unexpectedly solved by Gayle. She and Matt were close enough to have heard every word and Gayle couldn’t help but notice the rangers’ concern for Thea. Selfish and demanding as the actress could be, Gayle didn’t get where she was without possessing a great deal of sensitivity. And while her perceptiveness usually restricted itself to matters personal, she was not above lending it out. The occasions were rare and no-one, not even Gayle, could have said what triggered a desire to help others. Had she been interested enough to look for a reason, Gayle might have been surprised to discover that the one common denominator was another’s vulnerability. When she sensed hurt to match her own, Gayle could sometimes astonish even herself with her willingness to assist. Not always. She had to like that person and needed the reassurance that the feeling was mutual. Thea had impressed Gayle on first meeting. With a muttered, ‘Bring us both some food will you, Mattie?’ she stepped forward into the ring of people around her. ‘Darling, there you are. Now you did say if there was anything I needed I just had to ask. Would you come with me?’ Without waiting for Thea to respond, Gayle extricated the girl from Caitlin’s supporting grasp and waltzed her away from the bar. It was done with such finesse that Caitlin simply let it happen.

  Sean went to protest but Matt knew what Gayle was up to. He placed himself in front of the ranger. ‘She’s in good hands,’ he whispered. ‘Trust her.’

  Feeling helpless, Sean watched the actress lead Thea away. He hoped Matt Grandville knew what he was talking about. Given any kind of choice, Gayle Gaynor was the last person he’d have turned to for help.

  Thea walked with Gayle towards bungalow seven. Neither spoke. Thea was wondering what the actress wanted. Gayle, knowing there was no script for this performance, had already decided what tack to take.

  ‘Here we are, darling. Come in.’

  Shutting the door, Gayle went to a suitcase and produced an unopened bottle of Glenfiddich. ‘I don’t usually drink this stuff, it’s Matt’s actually, but he won’t mind.’

  Thea shook her head. ‘I shouldn’t. I’ve had a couple already and they went straight to my head.’

  Gayle ignored the half-hearted protest and poured two generous drinks. ‘You should. Sip slowly and let the alcohol work for you, not against you.’

  ‘I’m pregnant. I shouldn’t be drinking at all.’ But Thea took the glass.

  ‘You lucky, lucky thing. I’ve always wanted a baby.’ Gayle hadn’t, but Thea wasn’t to know. ‘Unfortunately, I could never fall pregnant.’ She could, and did. Three times. Abortions took care of her little accidents.

  ‘Lucky?’ Thea managed a brief laugh.

  ‘Extremely.’ Gayle sipped her drink, watching Thea’s face. The girl was intelligent, possessed maturity. She would not appreciate an indirect approach. Nor would she tolerate being told what to do. ‘I heard all that back there.’ Gayle ticked off three things on her fingers. ‘You’re pregnant. You’ve split up with your old man. And my guess is that young ranger, what’s-his-name, oh yes, Sean, comes into the picture too. Now tell me, darling, did your husband give you that shiner? I have some excellent cover-up you can have.’

  Thea’s fingertips gingerly touched her eye.

  Gayle cut straight to the heart of things. ‘I’ve read hundreds, if not thousands, of film scripts. It may surprise you but they tend to follow real life quite closely.’ She smiled slightly. ‘Well, the ones I get these days certainly do. Let me see if I can put your situation together. Marriages don’t break up as a rule when the wife is expecting a baby, unless of course her husband doesn’t want one. If that’s the case, news of your pregnancy would have been most unwelcome. So you had a big fight, he said some horrible things, you were upset and went looking for comfort.’

  Thea was wide-eyed watching her, so Gayle plunged on. ‘When emotions run that high, wires sometimes get crossed. You end up in bed with a rather gorgeous young ranger, your husband catches you at it and pops you one. How am I doing so far?’ Gayle didn’t wait for a response, not expecting one. ‘So you move into that sweet little bungalow next door and wonder how the hell a day could get so fucked up?’ Gayle tilted her head and smiled. ‘And you call that a bad day? Let me tell you about a bad day.’

  When she wanted to, Gayle could call up an imagination that matched anyone’s. Switching subtly into performance mode, she watched her audience closely while improvising one calamitous event after another. She grabbed examples from everywhere – film scripts, the experiences of others, a few of her own – and skilfully wove them into a tale of a day from hell. By lunchtime, so the story went, she had been stuck in a lift, had a flat tyre, caught the wrong train, lost her handbag and had Thea smiling. By mid-afternoon, improvisation had the heel off her shoe, she’d forgotten her lines, half the film set had collapsed, the leading man had developed laryngitis and Thea was giggling. Finally, as Gayle launched into the finale with an outrageously complicated and totally untrue drama of her cat choking, a burst waterpipe and the police arresting her boyfriend for indecent exposure . . . ‘The poor boy was only relieving himself in the garden because he’d lost his key and I had rushed to the vet – sod the waterpipe, darling, poor little Pookie had a bone stuck in his throat – it was all too perfectly dreadful . . .’ Thea was bent double with laughter.

  ‘I don’t believe you,’ Thea said, gaining control of herself. ‘There’s no way all that could have happened in a single day.’

  Gayle smiled, delighted with herself. ‘Well, time might have played a few tricks with my memory but I needed to get your attention.’

  ‘You did that all right.’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘And there’s nothing you need? You brought me here because you wanted to talk?’

  ‘Sometimes it’s easier to confide in a stranger. What have you got to lose? I’m here today, gone tomorrow. You were ready to burst back there in the bar and it was pretty obvious that your friends didn’t quite know what to do with you.’

  Thea regarded Gayle for a moment. ‘Why are you doing this?’

  ‘The big sister bit?’ When Thea nodded, Gayle went on. ‘God knows! It’s a bit of a worry actually. I’m not normally this nice.’ She smiled. ‘Maybe the bottom line is, I like you.’

  Thea looked a little guilty. ‘It’s very unprofessional of me to allow my personal problems to impact on a guest.’

  ‘Crap!’ Gayle burst out bluntly. She sat down and patted the couch indicating that Thea should join her. ‘I’ve spent most of my life copying people,’ she began. ‘Seen some things in my time, I can tell you. Good and bad. I study the looks on people’s faces in all sorts of situations – tragedy, joy, you name it. When everyone else is listening to the words, I’m watching people’s expressions. I need that to make my characters alive on screen. It’s amazing what you can do with the smallest facial change.’ She hesitated, then seemed to go off on a tangent. ‘Have you ever heard of a freeze-frame?’

  Surprised, Thea nodded. ‘It’s where a single frame of videotape is seen as a static image.’

  Gayle waved a hand at Thea’s drink. ‘Take a sip.’ When she did, Gayle continued. ‘I took one look at you, my dear, and could see from your eyes that emotion was frozen. You were in a freeze-frame and it was scaring the hell out of you. Want to tell me about it?’

  Before she could stop herself, Thea let it all out. Everything, from meeting Billy right up to the present. She omitted nothing, needing the cathartic relief of baring all.

  Gayle listened in complete silence. When Thea finally fell silent the actress rose, p
oured them both another malt, and put her finger right on the button. ‘You loved him and now you don’t. That bothers you. You’re wondering if you really could be so callous? And if you’re not, then when is some emotion going to surface? That scares you. But, you tell yourself, you must be shallow or how else could you have had sex with Sean? That disgusts you. And by the way, darling, I can’t say I blame you for that, he’s a real cutie-pie. Now, where was I? Okay, so you’re doubting yourself, scared and disgusted. On top of that, being pregnant and on your own really pisses you off.’ Gayle leaned back, savouring her drink. ‘That’s a whole range of emotions in there, darling. They need to be dealt with one at a time, not all at once. Your system just went on meltdown for a while. Throw in a little guilt for good measure and you were on your way to a breakdown. Total mental overload.’

  ‘But I don’t know what to do.’ Thea sounded frustrated. ‘I feel nothing.’

  ‘What rubbish. Of course you do. You feel so much that your brain decided it’s switch-off time. There’s your freeze-frame, honey.’ Gayle smiled. ‘Now, the way I see it is this. You have no control over which feeling is let out first. All you can do is be ready to receive it.’

  Thea was listening. ‘You make it sound so simple.’

  ‘It is. Trepidation is nine-tenths anticipation.’ Gayle stopped and considered her words. ‘Remember I said that. Damn I’m good.’

  Thea smiled.

  ‘That’s better.’ She watched Thea over the rim of her glass before setting it down on the table. ‘Let’s play a little game, okay?’

  ‘Game!’ The last thing Thea felt like was playing games.

  ‘I’m an actress, right? I feed on emotion. Bear with me. Now, we’ve got doubt, fear, disgust, anger and guilt. How will you deal with them?’

  ‘That’s one hell of a choice.’

  ‘Think about it.’

  ‘Well,’ Thea said slowly, ‘anger is healthy enough so I’ll just let that one come and go.’

  Gayle nodded. ‘Excellent.’

  ‘Doubt, disgust and guilt are head problems.’ She gave a sly grin. ‘Actually, I’m not all that disgusted or guilty. What happened between Sean and me seemed pretty natural and I’ll be damned if I’m going to take all the blame.’