To Be a Mother

by Cheryl St. John; Ruth Axtell Morren

  He reassured her everything was fine and took a heaping forkful to show her. The potato salad tasted like mush in his mouth, but he chewed determinedly, trying to stifle the sense of abandonment he felt.

  Just then, Mrs. Johnson’s youngest son ran up to him. Noah lifted his plate into the air to avoid the shower of sand he kicked up.

  “Mr. Samuels,” he panted, “can you get together a ball game after we eat—”

  His mother glared at him. “Thaddeus M. Johnson, what do you think you’re doing? Look at the sand you’ve thrown all over Mr. Samuels!”

  Tad hung his head. “I’m sorry, Mr. Samuels, I didn’t mean to.”

  “That’s all right. I know you didn’t,” he assured the boy. “Why don’t you sit down and eat your food and then we’ll see about a ball game.”

  Mrs. Johnson handed her son a plate and turned her attention back to her mother. The two women commented on everyone they’d seen as they ate their food.

  When Noah had made a sufficient effort to clean at least half his plate, he laid it aside and stretched out on the blanket, looking upward.

  What was he doing here? Who was he fooling? He closed his eyes against the vivid blue sky. She was the same Rianna. It was her way to have a good time, not caring for the feelings of those she left in her wake. The way she was charming Melanie was the same way she’d charmed him. What would happen when she up and left again? He didn’t want his little girl hurt.

  He knew Melanie felt the lack of a mother, when all her schoolmates had their mothers. All she had was Mrs. Avery, and kind as she was, the woman was only their landlady. Her work kept her too busy to give Melanie all her attention, the way Rianna did. Melanie was blossoming thanks to her time with Rianna, but how long would it last?

  Suddenly, he heard Rianna’s musical voice and snapped to attention, every fiber of his muscles on the alert.

  “Good afternoon, Mrs. Avery. Amelia, how nice to see you again.”

  “Hello there, Rianna!” Mrs. Avery’s voice sounded welcoming. “And Amy and Marianne. How wonderful that you could come to the clambake. It’s lovely to see the three of you together. If only your oldest sister were here.”

  Slowly, Noah opened his eyes and stood, dusting the sand from his trousers and smoothing down his hair, annoyed that she had found him looking like an old codger taking a nap after his meal. That brought up the thought of her elderly male patient and his mood soured further as he remembered Mrs. Johnson’s words.

  When Rianna and her sisters turned to greet him, he held out his hand and nodded his head. “Good to see you, Amy, Marianne, Rianna.”

  He tried not to stare at Rianna in her light-colored dress. He’d been right. The shade made a perfect complement to her hair, which glowed with fiery highlights in the bright sun. Her bonnet had fallen back onto her shoulders. Her cheeks were pink and her amber-colored eyes twinkled with suppressed merriment.

  He hardly had eyes for the other Devon sisters, although together all three of them presented a lovely sight. “Hello, Noah. It’s been a while…how are you doing?” Amy and Marianne returned his greeting with warm smiles.

  “Congratulations on your win,” Rianna said, when he took her hand in his. “I’d forgotten you were so good at horseshoes.”

  He shrugged, conscious only of her soft hand in his. Then he pulled his away, remembering how rough it must feel to her.

  The Devon sisters remained conversing with Mrs. Avery and her daughter as Noah tried not to stare at Rianna.

  Before he could think of anything to say to prolong their stay, Tad and Robbie both grabbed him by the arms. “Are you ready, Mr. Samuels, for our ball game? You promised when we finished eating you’d play.”

  “Yes, I’ll be right there.”

  Rianna smiled at the two boys. “And who might you two gentlemen be?”

  The two fell silent, their cheeks reddening as they stared up at Rianna.

  Noah cleared his throat. “These are Mrs. Avery’s two grandsons, Thaddeus and Robert Johnson.” He indicated their mother with his chin. “Mrs.—uh—Johnson’s boys, up from Massachusetts for the summer.”

  “How do you do—” she held out a hand to each as if they were grown men “—Thaddeus, Robert. So, you’re going to play ball?”

  They bobbed their heads. “Yes’m.”

  Rianna turned to Melanie. “Then why don’t you come along with me while the men play ball, and we can go look for some more treasures along the shore.” She glanced at Noah. “If it’s all right with your papa.”

  Melanie quickly nodded, putting her hand in Rianna’s. “May I, Papa?”

  “Yes, sure,” he said, torn between wishing for some time alone with Rianna and knowing it was best this way.

  The sisters said their goodbyes and continued on their way, greeting other families along the beach.

  By midafternoon, the tide was halfway up, and the younger children were out swimming in it. Warmed by the mudflats, the normally cold surf felt like bathwater by the time it reached the sand.

  Finally able to extricate himself from the ball game, Noah walked toward the shore. Seeing Rianna out in the shallows with a group of children, he took off his boots and rolled up his pant legs and waded out.

  Rianna was swinging a little boy up and down in the water. His head was thrown back as he shouted in glee each time his body hit the surface.

  “Auntie Rianna, me next! Me next!” A chubby little girl in pigtails tugged on her dress.

  “No! She promised me!” Another little girl pushed her away from Rianna.

  “Now, none of that, Lucy,” Rianna said firmly.

  Melanie stood quietly with the others.

  “Haven’t you had a turn?” he asked her.

  “A while ago. There are too many children for Mrs. Bruce by herself.”

  With a smile toward Noah, Rianna set down the boy with a final splash. “All right now, who’s next?”

  Noah watched a whole chorus chime in, then saw how she calmly chose one, and ignored the cries of the others. He looked at the bottom half of her new dress, dragging in the water, and remembered the better care she’d shown her other dress the other day on the beach. Still, he supposed she couldn’t very well display her legs today.

  He stepped up to his daughter. “Come on, hang on tight.” Before she could react, he scooped her up and swung her high then low into the water. She screamed with laughter.

  After that, Noah gave a little boy a turn. Soon, between him and Rianna, they satisfied every child.

  “All right, who wants to learn to float?” he asked the group, and received an immediate chorus of “Me! Me!”

  By the time he and Rianna finished giving each child a turn, he didn’t know who was the more soaked, the children or the adults. He realized he hadn’t felt so lighthearted in a very long time.

  “Oh, is my back sore!” Rianna groaned with a laugh as they waded back to shore, herding all the children toward the sand.

  “Your new dress,” he commented when she attempted to wring out the hem.

  She shrugged. “It’ll dry.”

  “They’re your nieces and nephews?” he asked, gesturing toward the scampering children.

  “Most of them! Neighbors’ children, as well.”

  “Yes, I recognized one or two of them.”

  “Thank you for your help back there.”

  He shrugged. “You looked a bit outnumbered.”

  She laughed.

  “You don’t miss having your own?” he asked. The next second he could have kicked himself for the thoughtlessness of the question as he saw the way she averted her eyes.

  She laughed again, but this time it sounded forced. “I’d have made a terrible mother.”

  He frowned, remembering how drawn children seemed to her. “Why do you say that?”

  She picked up a shell at her feet, still not meeting his eyes. “Oh, I’d doubtless be bossy or not practical enough or too demanding. I’m the good ‘auntie’ type. And I have plenty of o
pportunity to use my skills in that capacity right now with so many nieces and nephews of my own. Anyway, I believe the Lord has another road for me, and I’m perfectly content following it.”

  The more she talked, the less Noah believed her. Who was she trying to convince, him or herself? It was the first time he’d glimpsed a vulnerability in her, and it brought out his protective instincts.

  Rianna pointed to one end of the beach. “Look, children, they’re serving ice cream! Last one there’s a rotten egg.” With that, she hiked up her skirts and began running toward the crowd, the children dashing alongside her.

  Noah followed slowly, indifferent to their taunts when he arrived last, his mind too full of the expression in Rianna’s eyes and the tone of her voice when she’d spoken of motherhood. What was she hiding?

  Chapter Six

  Rianna turned to offer Noah a bowl of blueberry ice cream. Then she knelt beside one of her three-year-old nieces to help the child with her dish. Noah sat on the beach beside her, a toddler on his lap.

  Melanie helped another younger child with her bowl of ice cream.

  As Rianna struggled to recapture her lighthearted mood, Noah asked her quietly, “Why haven’t you ever remarried?”

  She glanced at him over her niece’s head. He seemed determined to upset her equilibrium at every turn this afternoon, first with his question about motherhood and now this.

  Did she miss having her own children? A bayonet piercing her heart couldn’t have hurt more. Every day of her life she missed the little one she’d lost, until she’d learned to shut out the thoughts, determinedly, methodically, and busy herself with caring for others.

  Now, she assumed a flippant tone. “In case you hadn’t noticed, the War of Secession didn’t leave many good prospects around for us widows.”

  “How about your patients? No wealthy widowers among them?”

  She stared at him. Did he think, like so many did, that a private nurse was out to get rich from a dying patient? Not Noah!

  She decided to test him. “Well, yes, I have had a few come my way. Take old Mr. Whitestone, my present charge.” She sighed, assuming a long-suffering look. “Such a fine old gentleman.” With a conspiratorial little laugh, she added, “I think he fancies me. Says I remind him of his first wife, Sadie.” Removing the empty bowl from her niece and wiping her sticky face with a handkerchief, she observed Noah’s reaction. “If Mr. Whitestone has proposed to me once, he’s done so a half a dozen times. I tell you, he’s wearing me down. He’s even said he’ll change his will if only I’ll agree to be his wife.”

  “How old is he?”

  The curtness of his tone didn’t escape her. So, he believed it, too? She looked at her fingernails. “Well, let’s see, he’s…ninety-one.”

  As Noah’s dark eyebrows drew together in a stern line, Rianna finally could stand it no longer. She fell backward on the sand, bursting out with laughter. “You believed me! How could you?” she gasped between laughs, looking up at him.

  The children looked at her wide-eyed and began to laugh and copy her, flinging themselves onto the sand. “What are you laughing at, Mrs. Bruce?” Melanie asked.

  Rianna turned to her, thinking how covered with sand her hat and the back of her new gown must be. “Whom, darling. I’m laughing at your papa, that’s who!”

  Melanie turned to her father, as the younger children turned their attention to playing in the sand. “What did you say that was so funny, Papa?”

  His unreadable glance shifted from Rianna to his daughter. “Nothing, sweetie, you go on and enjoy your ice cream before it melts.”

  The girl continued looking at him with a puzzled expression for a few more seconds. But when neither adult was forthcoming, she took up her spoon once more.

  Rianna sat up on one elbow and gazed at Noah.

  He was watching the incoming tide. The only sign of any remorse for his contemptible assumptions was the heightened color along the nape of his neck. She was beginning to be able to read the telltale signs of his emotions. Had Charlotte been so adept? Why did the thought unsettle her?

  “Actually it’s all quite true,” she said quietly. “I do have a ninety-one-year-old patient at present who has proposed to me numerous times. But I have turned him down firmly each time, much to the relief of his family and heirs. And I know his proposals have only been in jest, because he’s such a dear man.”

  Deciding she wasn’t going to get any kind of apology from Noah, she sat back up, removing her hat and dusting the sand off it. “Anyway, I’ve grown much too independent since widowhood to make anyone a suitable wife, even if there were a suitable candidate. I make a good living, accept the jobs I want, get to travel a fair amount.”

  Noah glanced sidelong at her. “Still the same Rianna, aren’t you?”

  She swallowed, not wavering under his scrutiny. He didn’t realize how much his remark hurt. Jesus said that a prophet was respected everywhere but in his own country. How could she expect any better? She bowed her head, giving her pain over to her dear Savior. Hadn’t He promised to give her great peace, so that nothing would offend her?

  What a long road she’d traveled since she was that fifteen-year-old girl, who’d confided her hopes and dreams to a very grown-up, nineteen-year-old Noah. The girl who couldn’t wait to get away from Wood’s Harbor didn’t have much in common with the war widow who yearned to come back home and have a family of her own.

  When Rianna looked up again, she was smiling, and it was in that moment that it occurred to her how much perhaps she’d hurt Noah when as a girl she’d rebuffed his advances. She hadn’t thought much about it then. As she recalled, shortly afterward, he’d started walking out with Charlotte, a girl from another village, and the two had soon married. At the time, she’d thought only that his feelings must not have been any deeper than hers.

  She spread out her drying skirt. “There’s a camp meeting this week. Have you ever been to one?” she asked him, wishing above anything to see some joy restored to his countenance.

  He blinked at the change in subject. “No, can’t say I have, at least not since I was a child.”

  Her smile grew wider. “They’re fun. Everyone leaves his daily routine for a week to camp out in a field, and just spends that time seeking God. Wonderful things happen. Would you like to come?”

  He tugged at his collar, looking away from her again. “I don’t know. I don’t go in much for religion.”

  “Oh, it has nothing to do with religion!” When he turned his attention back to her, she explained. “It has to do with hearing from God.” Her voice grew eager as she sought to make him understand the wonder of it. “It’s a time when you put aside every care you have and just spend some time praising God and waiting on Him—to see His glory revealed. And when it happens, people’s lives are changed! Sins we’ve clung to so long, or that had us bound for ages, are broken by God’s Holy Spirit. Only God’s power can do that. Do come!”

  He shook his head, clearly uncomfortable. “I don’t know. I couldn’t take a week off from fishing, for one thing.”

  She spoke gently, “‘There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sister, or father, or mother or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel’s, but he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time.’”

  He rubbed his beard and didn’t say anything.

  Rianna turned at the sound of a child’s cry. “Jenny, let your brother go.” She rose to separate the pair of toddlers. “I think someone needs a nap.”

  Noah helped her herd the tired children back to their parents.

  After that, she went to spend some time with her sisters and their husbands, with Melanie tagging along. As the afternoon waned, some families gathered their things and started homeward. Others, like Rianna, loath to put an end to the perfect day, stayed on. She sat beside her mother and father, contemplating the sea after her sisters and their families had left.

  She watched Noah help Mrs. Avery and her family pack up, and
she felt a little bereft knowing he, too, would be leaving. Instead of coming to say goodbye to her, he sent one of Amelia’s boys to fetch Melanie.

  “Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  Rianna heard the hopeful note in the girl’s voice. On impulse she bent down and gave her a hug. Melanie’s slim arms came around immediately and hugged her back tightly. “Of course you will. Why don’t I stop by and ask Mrs. Avery if you can come over and visit a little while. We can finish your doll’s gown and perhaps start a new one.”

  The girl nodded. “Oh, yes, please, may we?”

  “Of course.”

  With a big smile and a final wave, Melanie ran after Robert to rejoin her father. Rianna looked after her, a catch in her throat, remembering the soft, warm feel of her body against hers. A swift longing washed through her for the motherhood she’d been denied.

  With a shake of her head, Rianna chided herself for the sudden wave of self-pity. Her life’s calling had been another. She turned to place a shawl around her mother’s shoulders. “Are you tired, Mother?”

  “Just a little, dear. It’s been a wonderful day. What a joy to have almost all my family reunited.”

  As dusk fell, those remaining built up the bonfire. They sat around it, singing songs and hymns while watching the fiery orange sun set across the bay. Rianna was just gearing herself up to leave with her parents when she felt someone looming over her. She looked up in surprise to see Noah bending over her.

  A spurt of joy filled her at the sight of him. “I thought you’d left!”

  He squatted down beside her. “I did, but I’m back. I helped Mrs. Avery’s family home and put Melanie to bed.” He shrugged, seeming suddenly ill at ease. “I saw how much you were enjoying yourself, and I thought you might wish to stay on with the younger folks if your parents want to leave. I could see you home.”

  Rianna smiled in delight, not realizing how much his leaving had affected her until he came back. “Oh, that’s sweet of you!”

  But he had already turned to her parents. “’Evening, Mr. Devon, Mrs. Devon. If you’d like to call it a night, I could see Rianna home.”