While It Lasts
Page 17
“I can’t hurt her and I will not leave her.”
“You already did hurt her, boy. You already did. She was unstable and you took advantage of that. Eva won’t ever marry someone like you. She loved Josh Beasley. She adored him. She will never be happy until she finds another Josh. We both know you ain’t ever gonna meet those standards. You are just a way for Eva to act out. You don’t mean anything to her, boy. Now pack up and go before I change my mind.”
Wilson slammed the door on his way out.
I sank down on the bed and dropped my head into my hands. MARRY??? Fuck, what did he mean by marry? I couldn’t get married. Eva would never think of me that way. I wasn’t the kind of guy a girl like her married. He was right. I was Eva’s side thrill. She’d never said she loved me. She’d never said anything about forever. I would never measure up to Josh and Eva wanted another Josh. She deserved another Josh. When Eva decided to get married she’d go looking for someone without a fucked up past and a criminal record.
Last night I’d made love to a woman for the first and last time. It had been amazing and I had a memory that would shape the rest of my life. Eva got her taste of the wild side. She’d move on soon enough. It wasn’t as though I was breaking her heart. But damn if I wasn’t ripping mine out of my chest.
With my duffel bag packed up, I headed out for my car. I didn’t look anywhere but straight ahead. I wouldn’t be able to leave if I saw her. She may not love me but I loved her so damn much it wouldn’t matter. The closer I got to my car without her calling out my name the more I felt something inside me die.
Opening the car door, I threw my duffel inside and pulled out of the drive for the last time. Leaving my heart behind.
Eva
Where was he? After I’d gotten a shower, I’d taken extra special care in fixing my makeup and picking out an outfit that would make Cage crazy, I went downstairs to fix him a snack.
His car was gone. I walked outside and looked around for it. My heart started racing as fear settled in. Had something happened? Was he okay? Did he get in trouble for driving last night? I ran down to the barn and into his back room. It was empty. No sign that Cage had ever been there.
I turned around and found my daddy standing at the door.
“What’re you doing Eva?”
I didn’t care anymore. Daddy could get over it. I was twenty years old. “I’m looking for Cage,” I replied, daring him to ask me why.
“He left.”
My heart stopped.
“What do you mean?” Had he needed to take his car back? Did he have a practice?
“Mack wanted him back. Said he’d done his sentence and he could come on back home. He ran outta here like he couldn’t wait to get away.”
No. No. Cage wouldn’t just run off. He wouldn’t go without telling me when he’d see me again. My phone. Had he called my phone?
I pushed past Daddy and ran for the house. I had to get my phone. I’d left it to charge in my room. Maybe it had been on silent and I’d missed his call. That had to be it because Cage would not leave me. Not after last night. He wouldn’t. The last time when he’d worn the condom and come inside me he’d said he loved me.
He wouldn’t leave me.
There were no calls on my phone. No text messages. Nothing.
Cage had left without a word.
Why? What had I done wrong? Had it all been just sex for him? Were all those sweet words something he told every girl when he had sex? God, no. I dropped my phone on the floor and let the pain assail me. I’d given my heart away to someone who didn’t want it. Even knowing that, I didn’t regret it. I just wanted him to want me. I just wanted him to love me too.
~*~
I took my guitar and headed for the barn. It was my daily routine. Daddy was bothered by it but I told him to leave me alone and let me handle this the way I wanted to. I wasn’t innocent and full of dreams and fantasies anymore. All of that died with Josh. I understood that pain was real and sometimes things didn’t last. Sometimes you just had to enjoy it while it lasts and cherish it when it’s gone.
Opening the door to Cage’s room, I sat down on the bed and sat my guitar in my lap. I’d hid from my music when I’d lost Josh. I needed it now. There was so much I needed to express and this was the only way I knew how. I opened the new notebook I’d bought and the words I’d been working on covered the first page. I began playing the tune that I heard in my head and jotting down ones that worked better.
My time with Cage wasn’t something I ever wanted to forget. I wanted every emotion written down. The way it felt falling in love. Losing yourself to someone. Those were moments that I would always hold close.
Josh had always been in my life. I don’t remember actually falling in love with him. I just always loved him. He was secure. He was there for me and I knew it. We were a part of each other.
Cage was so different. He’d shown me how it felt to want, to need, to surrender, to lose myself. He encouraged me to let go of my insecurities and be myself. Cage was free and wild. He was like a beautiful bird you could never own.
The words flowed out of me and I ignored the tears that streaked down my face.
Chapter Twenty- Three
Cage
“You won’t come to the party so I brought the party to you,” Preston called out as he walked into my apartment. Four giggling females followed him inside. Shit.
I slammed my beer down on the counter and glared at him from across the bar. “I told you I wasn’t interested.”
Preston had his arm around a redhead and reached over and to grab her tits. “But look at these beauties.” He winked at me. “They’re naughty little sorority girls. Our favorite kind.”
This was sick. I shoved off from the bar and pointed to the door. “Take them somewhere else Preston. I’m not in the mood.”
A blonde sauntered over to me and pressed her massive fake tits against my arm. “Awww, don’t be so mean. I can make you feel so much better.” When her hand ran over my uninterested cock and squeezed I snapped.
“Get them the FUCK out of my apartment. Now.”
“Damn Cage. You’re no fun at all anymore.”
I didn’t wait for him to take them out. I stalked back to my room and slammed the door then locked it. I’d met girls like those before. They didn’t take no for an answer.
“Can I at least use the guest bedroom? I can take care of all four by myself!” Preston called out.
“NO!”
I heard grumbling as they left. Once the door closed behind them I lay back on my bed and closed my eyes.
Eva. God, I missed her so much. I went to sleep thinking about her and woke up every morning with the reality that I’d never hold her again.
Did she think I just left her? Did she think I got what I wanted and left? She’d given me her virginity and I just left. Fuck. How was I going to live the rest of my life knowing she thought I just left her? She hadn’t called or texted me. Maybe she was relieved. Maybe in the light of day she realized she’d made a mistake. I’d told her I loved her. I hadn’t been able to hold it in. Other than Low, I’d never told anyone I loved them.
I reached for my phone. I know Wilson told me not to contact her but I had to make sure she was okay.
Me: I’m sorry. I had to leave. I just want to make sure you’re okay.
I doubted she’d reply. But I had to try.
Eva: I’m sorry too.
What did that mean? She was sorry I left? She was sorry her dad gave me no choice? She was sorry she had sex with me?
Me: What are you sorry for?
Eva: Everything.
I let my phone fall to the bed and I closed my eyes against the pain.
~*~
“Come out of that room and get your butt in here,” Low called from my living room. I really needed to hide the extra key in a better spot.
Rolling over in bed, I stood up and dragged myself into the kitchen.
“What’re you doing here, Low?”
“Thanks. If that’s all you wanted to tell me I’m going back to bed,” I grumbled.
“No, you’re not. I came over here because we need to talk.”
I leaned against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest.
“Talk,” I replied.
Low pulled herself up to sit on the bar. “Why are you doing this to yourself? Why did you leave if you were just going to waste away in your apartment?”
Sighing, I ran my fingers through my bed head. “I told you Low, her dad made me.”
“When has anyone ever made YOU do anything? Hmmm? Because the Cage I’ve known all my life does what he damn well pleases and screw the rules.”
“Even if I had stayed she wouldn’t have ever wanted me. She didn’t want me for anything more than a summer fling. I was a way of moving on for her.”
Low shook her head, “I don’t believe that. I met her. I saw the way she looked at you. She isn’t the kind of girl who just messes around for fun.”
“She rejected me, Low. When it came down to it and she had to choose her family and friends or me she chose them. Yeah, I forgave that and took her back but she was extremely persuasive. She rejected me once. She’ll do it again. When things get tough it will never be me she chooses.”
“And you know this because she made one bad decision? She was put on the spot and panicked, Cage.”
I shoved off from the counter. I didn’t want to get angry with Low. I’d never been mad at her but she was pushing me. I wasn’t going to be able to control my emotions over this. .
“I. Love. Her.” I said in hard clipped words.
“Then take your own advice. Take. A. Chance.”
Take a chance. I’d told her that about Marcus. She’d been worried he’d leave her one day. Like me, she was scared of rejection. I’d told her to give Marcus a chance.
“I knew Marcus loved you,” I replied
Low took a step toward me, “And I know anyone you let get close to you the way you let Eva won’t be able to NOT love you. It would be impossible. You have no idea how special you are. You see the bad. You’ve always just seen the bad. But I see the good. There is so much that is good and wonderful about you. You let Eva see that. You’ve never let anyone else see it before, except me. But you let her. I know, that she can’t help but love what she saw.”
Tears were streaming down Low’s face when she finished.
I closed the distance between us and pulled her into a hug.
“Thank you,” I whispered as I rested my chin on the top of her head.
“Don’t thank me. Just go get her.”
Eva
I stepped out of the barn just as Mrs. Elaine drove up. I hadn’t been expecting her but that didn’t mean anything. She used to drop by to see me often. With Jeremy gone off to school she was probably just needing to talk about him.
“Sure is good to see you with that guitar again,” she smiled brightly.
I walked up the porch steps toward her and opened the door.
“It’s nice to be playing it again. You want to come in?”
“Yes, I wanted to come talk to you for a little bit.”
Great. Another heart-to-heart. The last one had caused a lot of heartache. This time I was going to remember I wasn’t a kid who needed guidance but an adult who knew her own mind.
“Of course, come on in.”
I set my guitar case on the table and went to the counter to get two glasses of sweet tea. Mrs. Elaine loved sweet iced tea.
“I hear from your daddy that the boy who was helping out is gone,” she said from behind me. My stomach knotted up. I didn’t want to talk about Cage with her. I couldn’t. She didn’t understand. No one did.
“Yeah, he is.”
‘That’s good. He just wasn’t the kind of boy you needed to be around. There are such good boys out there. Boys that will make good husbands and fine men.”
If she wasn’t Josh and Jeremy’s mother and if she hadn’t been there for me growing up I’d show her the door. I owed her respect for those things and biting my tongue was best. I would just nod and then get rid of her.
“You know Chad has been asking about you a lot. He talks to me when Jeremy comes home. I think he is smitten with you.” She grinned as if she had just let me in on a big secret. I was aware Chad liked me. He wasn’t being secretive about it. The texts were getting on my nerves. I’d asked Jeremy to tell him to stop.
“He is going to inherit all that land and the construction company from his dad, ya know. He’s a great catch.”
He was also a momma’s boy who whined when he didn’t get his way. His chest was also scrawny and thin. Once you’d touched Cage York’s chest there was no settling for less.
“Hmmm,” I replied, taking a big gulp of my tea. Please let this conversation end soon.
“I’m having Chad and his parents down Labor Day weekend. Jeremy will be home too. I thought maybe you would like to come over and celebrate with us. It will be the same thing we do every year. Ribs on the grill. My potato salad you love so much and green bean casserole.”
“Um, well, uh, thank you Mrs. Elaine but I’m not sure yet what Daddy is planning on doing and—“
“Oh, he is invited too of course. We haven’t had a family gathering between our families on a holiday since before Josh passed away. This will be good for all of us.”
A door slamming and yelling interrupted our conversation. I jumped up and ran out on the porch. Daddy was blocking my view. I couldn’t see who he was yelling at but I knew the car he was standing in front of. It was Cage. What was he doing here?
“Oh my. What is that boy doing here? Should I call the cops?”
“Shhh, no. Don’t call anyone,” I snapped and turned my attention back to the driveway.
“I told you not to come back around here, boy. “ Daddy roared.
“I shouldn’t have left. I want to talk to Eva. You should’ve never made me leave without talking to her,” Cage replied.
What?
“I gave you a choice and you chose your baseball career over her. Ain’t no boy good enough for my girl that would choose anything else over her.”
Cage slammed his fist down on his car hood. “ I didn’t choose anything over her. You threatened my life and my education. It was never about baseball. Fuck baseball!”
“Get in that car and leave. Don’t come back. I’ll call the cops next time and you’ll go to jail. Don’t mess with me. I protect what’s mine.”
Cage’s eyes shifted and our gazes locked. I didn’t understand what I’d just heard. I didn’t know what had happened between my daddy and Cage. At the moment I didn’t care. I was getting to look at him again. He was here and I could see him. He didn’t look like a guy who wanted to throw me aside.
“I love you, Eva Brooks. No matter what you’ve been told or what you think of me. I love you!”
Everything and everyone melted away. Cage was yelling for everyone to hear that he loved me. Even with my daddy breathing down his neck. I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. He had left me. Without saying a word. Now he was back and he said he loved me. What was the truth? Love didn’t just run off without an explanation. He’d broken my heart.
Cage turned and to open his car door and climbed inside. Numbly, I watched him pull out and drive away.
I let him go. Why had I let him go?
Chapter Twenty-Four
Cage
Sitting at our table at Live Bay seemed empty. Everything seemed empty. I’d thought going to see Eva and telling her I loved her would do something. Low had got me to believe someone like Eva could love me. She was wrong. Eva had chosen her family over me, again. She always would.
“Smile, you’re depressing as shit,” Rock grumbled as he slammed a beer down in front of me.
“Thanks,” I replied.
“Never thought I’d see you with
a broken heart. Out of all of the guys I never thought it’d be you. It’s like I’ve walked into the fucking twilight zone and can’t get out.”
I grunted and took a long swallow of my beer.
“Wanna dance, Cage?”
I didn’t even try to remember her name. She was one of the mistakes. I had so many. I just shook my head no and took another drink.
“Sorry honey but he ain’t real good company right now,” Trisha apologized for me.
“If you change your mind—“ she started
“I won’t,” I interrupted her.
She got the hint and walked off. I never even looked at her face. They all looked the same anyway. They all weren’t Eva.
“You think maybe you could be less scary?” Trisha asked.
“No.”
Rock chuckled, “Let it go, babe. He’s nursing a broken heart and you know that boy ain’t ever had one before. It’s a new experience for him.”
“You may want to warn Krit before they take a break. I don’t want Cage and him getting into it because he can’t keep his mouth shut.”
I didn’t belong here. I didn’t want to be here. I laid a couple twenties on the table and stood up. “I’m leaving, anyway. I’ve had all the fun I can handle for the night.”
“I hate for you to be alone. You want me to call Low?”
Low was the last person I wanted to talk to. She didn’t understand that it wasn’t an easy fix.
“No. I just want to go home and go to bed. I need to be at the gym in the morning.”
“Later,” Rock added with a nod and I turned and headed for the door.
I noticed that Jackdown had stopped playing and the crowd had gone silent. That was odd and unheard of. I paused and looked back at the stage to see what it was I was missing that had quieted the crowd.