by Sarah Bailey
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I heard the door slam open on its hinges. There was only one person who came into my room without knocking. Lowering my arm, I watched my best friend pace the floor with his hand running through his hair.
“I can’t find her.”
I didn’t say anything, knowing that wasn’t the end of it.
“I mean obviously she didn’t leave but she didn’t come to bed with me last night.”
I sat up and swung my legs down.
“Should she have?”
Quinn’s dark eyes fell on me and I almost winced at the haunted look in them.
“I don’t fucking know.”
I watched him for a moment. Whatever they’d talked about after we got back last night, it hadn’t been good judging by Quinn’s agitation.
“You know you’re the very worst conversationalist I’ve ever met.”
I almost smiled.
“You like the sound of your voice enough that I don’t have to talk.”
He scowled and stuck two fingers up at me before pacing away again. He stilled when he reached one of my bookcases and leant an arm against it, running his fingers down the spines of my comics.
“She’s not to blame for what happened to Casey.”
Quinn had finally told her the truth. Casey was a large part of why Quinn wanted Russo dead, but he wasn’t the only reason. It was just the one directly related to Ash.
“I don’t know what to think of my brother now.”
Quinn hadn’t exactly got along with his older brother or his parents. Casey had been a bit of a cocky entitled shit even if their parents regularly beat on him. But family was family and Quinn felt it his duty to save his only blood relation from his own misfortune.
“What did she tell you?”
He looked back at me, his eyes dark with repressed anger.
“He tried to force himself on her… my own brother tried to rape the girl I’m fucked up about. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Rory. And now I can’t find her to make it right.”
I cocked my head to the side.
“Make what right?”
I couldn’t say I was entirely surprised about what Ash had revealed regarding Casey. The guy had always been a prick. He’d constantly put Quinn down. Whilst their parents all but ignored their youngest son, Casey would tell Quinn he’d amount to nothing in life. Said he was weak and couldn’t do shit for himself. I think it gave Quinn a bit of a complex. A feeling of inadequacy, which meant he overcompensated for it. He’d saved me, Xav and Eric from our shitty home lives. Built our businesses from the ground up. I’m not sure it was about proving shit to Casey but to himself.
“She told me it’s over.”
It took me a moment to realise what he meant by that.
“Did she say why?”
“According to Ash what I give her of myself isn’t enough. She wants everything. I don’t even know what the fuck that means.”
I almost chuckled but Quinn would probably kick the shit out of me for laughing at his predicament.
“It’s quite simple. She wants your heart, Quinn.”
His eyes narrowed.
“Why the fuck would she want that?”
“I don’t think Ash has had much love in her life. Don’t forget, she just found out her only relationship was based on lies. You think he didn’t tell her he loved her in the two years they were together?”
He dropped his gaze, turning around and leaning back against my bookcase as he shoved his hands in his pockets.
“Do you think he actually did because I don’t.”
I doubt he even knows how to love anyone but himself.
“Nate is a cunt.”
His lip curved upwards. Quinn wasn’t his biggest fan either.
“What do I do about Ash?”
“Stop being a stubborn idiot, let her get close to you like she wants and no more lies. That’s my advice for what it’s worth. What would I know anyway?”
“Shit all considering you’ve never had a relationship.”
I shrugged. We both knew why that was. It wasn’t as if I’d never fucked anyone but that wasn’t the same thing.
“Oh, and you’re such an expert? I’ll tell Leah that next time I see her.”
“Fuck off.”
Leah Divine was Quinn’s one and only on and off girlfriend when we were teenagers. They had been terrible for each other. I’d lost count of the number of times they’d broken up not to mention all the boys she’d fucked behind his back. Not that he’d been any better. During their off times, there’d been more than one occasion of him screwing some girl in the toilets at school or in an empty classroom. It was a disaster in the making. I’d been glad when he’d been done for good.
“She’s married with kids now, you know.”
“Been stalking my psycho ex on Facebook, have you?”
“You can thank Xav for that bit of information.”
Quinn rolled his eyes. Xav was a fountain of knowledge when it came to keeping tabs on people. Our resident computer and hacking expert though you wouldn’t think it to look at him.
“I haven’t seen him this morning. E is brooding in the kitchen, but Xav hasn’t appeared yet.”
I had a feeling I knew why that was. If Quinn and Ash had fought last night, then she’d likely have sought out Xav to talk things over. They seemed to share a bond in that respect. Xav was always good to talk to since he was the least judgemental person I’d ever met. However, telling Quinn that Ash had probably spent the night with Xav? I wasn’t getting in the middle of that brewing shitstorm.
“E’s brooding?”
“Something is off with him. My money is on it having to do with Xav.”
“Isn’t it always? You know he can’t stand Xav’s revolving door of men and women.”
“E needs to man up and tell Xav the truth. He’d feel better if they both just fucked out their issues with each other.”
I shook my head. Quinn thought a lot of things in life could be resolved through fucking. Sadly, that wouldn’t be the case between Eric and Xav nor him and Ash.
“Not everything is about fucking you know.”
He sighed and dragged a hand through his hair.
“No… Fuck. I need to fix this shit with Ash.”
“Maybe try not to be such a possessive arsehole when you do speak to her. I doubt that’s helping. Also, I’d rather you didn’t kick the shit out of the rest of us just for talking to her.”
Something told me Ash would prefer to give herself freely to the person she chose rather than have that person act like she was his to own.
“I know she’s not my possession,” he mumbled.
“Then act like it.”
He didn’t say anything, instead, looked at the open doorway. For a long time, he seemed lost in thought until he turned to me again.
“I need to find her.”
I stood up and snagged a t-shirt from my chair, tugging it on before grabbing a pair of jeans.
“She’ll come out in her own time, Quinn. Let’s go make sure E isn’t drowning himself in the sink, eh?”
Quinn followed me from the room. He was already agitated so I didn’t need him finding out about where I was pretty damn sure Ash had slept last night. And I sincerely hoped for the sake of everyone in our household the only thing Xav and Ash had done together was sleep.
Chapter 3
The warm body I woke up next to smelt different from what I’d got used to over the past week. His woodsy scent surrounded me along with his arm slung across my waist. I didn’t want to open my eyes and face reality. What I’d done last night had changed everything, but whether it was for the worse or better, I didn’t know yet.
A flutter of warm breath hit my face and I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. I opened my eyes and stared into piercing blue ones watching me intently.
“Hey,” I mumbled.
“You make the most adorable faces when you’re asleep.”
I blinked, not expecting the unusual compliment.
“Been creeping on me?”
He grinned and leant towards me. I didn’t protest when his lips met mine nor when his hand travelled down from my waist to cup my arse and tug me firmly against him. Someone was very happy to wake up next to me this morning. His hard cock pressed into my stomach, making me groan in anticipation. If I wasn’t very aware taking this step would mean no going back, I’d have been very much on board with him splitting me in two with it. Though to be honest, after I’d had his cock in my mouth and his fingers inside me, I was pretty sure going back was no longer an option anyway.
“Fuck, angel,” he grunted in my mouth, rubbing against me.
Xav flipped us over so I was on my back and he was towering above me. He locked my hands above my head with one of his. His normally light blue eyes were dark with arousal. I couldn’t help but get sucked into them. I spread my legs almost unconsciously and he settled between them, his cock finding my pussy and sliding against it. Leaning down, he ran his nose along mine, staring at me intently.
“I won’t fuck you until you tell me to,” he promised, thrusting against me.
His cock knocked into my clit, making me whine as I grew wetter from his movements.
“You want it, don’t you, angel?” he whispered in my ear before he sucked the lobe into his mouth.
“Yes,” I hissed.
As much as I wanted to feel him, anxiety about what this would mean plagued me. Even though I’d told Quinn we were done, it’d been a lie. We weren’t done at all. It was still only the beginning. If I had sex with Xav, would it ruin everything between us? Hadn’t I told myself last night I wasn’t going to hold back any longer? That I would take what I wanted without allowing other people to dictate my actions. Except this didn’t feel quite like I’d be doing the right thing even if being with Xav felt right. And it really did feel so fucking right. So what was I so scared of?
Losing Quinn for good.
The thought made me still as my heart thundered and ached in my chest, protesting at the very thought of him looking at me with disgust, completely unable to comprehend why I would sleep with his friend when I had him. At him telling me he wanted nothing to do with me ever again. I shouldn’t care so much about someone I barely knew, but I did. I really cared about Quinn and there was nothing I could do to change that.
Xav froze as he felt me withdraw. He pulled back and stared down at me with concern.
“What’s wrong?”
Knowing he’d never make me do anything I wasn’t comfortable with, I decided honesty with Xav was always going to be the best policy.
“I can’t do this without talking to him first.” I couldn’t cover my face with my hands as he’d trapped them but I closed my eyes, trying not to allow tears to prick at them. “I’m sorry.”
Xav immediately let go of my hands and cupped my face with one of his.
“Hey, hey, angel, it’s okay. No need to apologise.”
I felt him kiss my forehead before he leant his against it.
“But I am sorry. I was so sure last night and now I’m so scared of ruining everything.”
“Look at me.”
I opened my eyes and stared up at his.
“Ash, it’s okay to be scared, but let me assure you, this ruins nothing. Yes, he’s going to be pissed. Absolutely no getting around that, but trust me, I can handle it.”
“What if he hates me for it?”
His lip quirked up at the side.
“He already hated you before you got here, but now I think he just hates the hold you have over him.”
I almost shoved him.
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. He might not show it, but he has feelings for you and he’s struggling with them. That’s why he’s been acting like a crazy fool for the past two weeks.” He placed a soft kiss on my lips. “You can’t let your fears dictate your life, angel. Yes, your decision will have repercussions but you’re not alone here. You have me.”
I almost smiled, but my heart didn’t feel any less at ease from his words.
“I don’t want to lose him,” I whispered. “But I don’t want to lose you either.”
“I promise you, I’m going nowhere. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.”
This man was far too perfect for words. Obviously, I knew Xav had his faults, but with me, he’d been so sweet and kind. He listened and never made me feel stupid.
Threading my fingers in his hair, I pulled him closer and kissed him, allowing myself this moment. My worries started to melt away with his mouth glued to mine, his tongue delving between my lips and devouring me whole. My hips bucked of their own accord. Having his cock pressing against me wasn’t helping matters. All I wanted was to allow myself to be consumed by this. By him. I wanted him deep inside me.
“Angel,” he groaned. “You’re making it very hard for me not to stick my cock in you.”
All I had to do was say two simple words and this ache within both of us would go away only to be replaced by pleasure. But I couldn’t do that. Not yet. Not until I had an extremely difficult conversation with Quinn.
“How about we get in the shower and maybe I’ll get on my knees for you?”
I very much needed to wash his scent off me before we left this room lest I got an earful from Quinn before I had a chance to explain.
The devious look in Xav’s eyes when he pulled away told me he was very much on board with that plan. Next thing I knew, the covers were thrown off, Xav had jumped out of bed, picked me up and put me over his shoulder. I laughed all the way to his bathroom knowing whilst we could have a little fun now, what came next wouldn’t be so pretty.
And I was dreading every moment of it.
Chapter 4
The kitchen was quiet when Xav and I got downstairs even though Eric, Rory and Quinn all sat at the counter.
“Morning,” I said, trying to keep my voice bright.
No one said a word or acknowledged me. I looked up at Xav who looked just as confused as me. He shrugged and we sat on the two spare stools. Today it seemed Eric hadn’t really been in the mood to cook as it was cereal and toast laid out but I didn’t mind either way. Xav poured us both tea whilst I buttered some toast, feeling incredibly awkward by the tense atmosphere. Was this my fault or was it that last night had been a shitshow? I guess it had considering Eric’s life had been threatened and I was assuming things hadn’t gone the way Quinn wanted them to.
My eyes found their way to Quinn. I couldn’t help it. Despite what I’d said in the heat of the moment yesterday, I still wanted him desperately. Shit, I was so messed up about these men. I didn’t know how to explain it or even why. Perhaps being in such close quarters had caused all of this. Who the fuck even cared? Xav kept telling me to be me. This was the new me. The one who wasn’t going to let anyone else dictate life for me.
Except when Quinn’s eyes fell on me, the coldness in those dark depths made me flinch back and look away. Why was he looking at me like that? Was it because he’d worked out that I’d stayed with Xav last night? I wasn’t exactly going to sleep with him or in the cell and he hadn’t given me anywhere else to stay. Hell, I’d had to sneak back into his room to gather some clothes after my shower with Xav, which had been hot as fuck. Not that I should be thinking about it now. Not the way he’d kissed me. Nor how I’d got on my knees and sucked his cock. And definitely not the way he’d shoved three fingers inside me and almost made me scream when I came.
I felt Xav’s hand on my leg, giving it a squeeze. Looking up at him, I found his eyes on Quinn and a frown on his face. Well, this wasn’t getting more awkward or anything. I sighed and stuck my toast in my mouth to stop from saying anything.
I made the very big mistake of looking at Rory. The guilt in his hazel eyes made me feel shit too. I also realised he was very aw
are of me spending the night with Xav considering the way his eyes flicked between us. The thing is the way Rory had spoken to me yesterday hadn’t exactly upset me. Yeah, I’d been pretty overwhelmed by what was going on, but when he’d put me in my place… that had been kind of hot. Perhaps my weird need to have Quinn be in control had fucked me up, but some dark twisted place inside of me got off on being told what to do. But I wanted Rory to be the one telling me. Though if I told him that, I wasn’t sure how he’d take it considering his whole aversion to touch business. Not to mention he’d never once indicated he wanted anything sexual from me.
I felt my cheeks growing hot so I looked at my plate. How could I have all these thoughts about these men whilst they were all here? The worst part was I didn’t even feel guilty for it. It’s like I knew they belonged to me and I belonged to them even if they hadn’t realised it yet. Perhaps it was better to keep this thing between me, Quinn and Xav for now. I didn’t know if it would even work anyway. Xav was fine with it, yes, but Quinn? His potential reaction made me uneasy.
Eric was the first to leave. The look he sent Xav and my way made me shrink back into my chair further. I had no idea why his eyes were so full of pain and going after him to ask would be inappropriate. It’s not like he really seemed open to talking to me much other than about inane shit.
Rory went next, but not before he said something I couldn’t hear to Quinn whose expression only darkened. And Rory didn’t look at me or Xav when he left.
Before Quinn got a chance to escape, I slipped off my stool and went over to him. He stared at me when he realised I was standing next to him.
“Can I talk to you, please?”
His eyes flicked to Xav before he nodded and stood up. I don’t think I’d ever really get over how all these men towered over me. I might be small, but I wasn’t going to take any shit off Quinn either. He needed to understand I wasn’t someone who’d bow down at his feet and let him do whatever he wanted.
I followed him out of the kitchen into the dining room. He turned to me, crossing his arms over his chest and raising one dark eyebrow. My chest ached because no matter what, I still thought he was beautiful even if he looked entirely unapproachable right now.