White Vengeance

by Susan Edwards

  Tipping her head back, she lifted her hands high, fingers reaching for the heavens. Her morning prayer came back to her, the chant that was hers alone, one used to greet the new day, and bless those around her.

  So immersed in a world that had for a short while been lost to her, Renny didn’t hear anyone approaching. Didn’t see Tyler stare, his features both shocked and enthralled. She didn’t hear him sit or feel his eyes on her as she turned in each direction, offering a blessing and prayer to the spirits of each direction, and to the heavens and sun.

  When she was done, she took several deep, cleansing breaths, then opened her eyes to find Tyler watching her with a stunned look upon his face.

  Tyler stood, utterly and totally in love. Until he’d seen this side to her, this almost primitive side, he hadn’t known just how much. He went to her, put his arms on her shoulders.

  “Renny, you are beautiful.” He slid his hands into her hair and brought a strand to his face. He pulled her close, his hands sliding along the skin-soft dress, then he kissed her. He didn’t care that Reed was there or that others might be waking soon. He had to hold her, kiss her, tell her what was in his heart.

  “I love you, Renny. You are my heart and my soul,” he breathed. “When we get back, I want to make you my wife.”

  Renny went still in his arms. Her mind raced. She pulled back and studied the man she had thought she had fallen in love with. No. She did love him. Period. But there was so much uncertainty in her life. She couldn’t think of herself, not until she found Matthew.

  “Renny?” There was a plea in Tyler’s voice.

  She stepped back, felt a cold wall rise between them. “I can’t, Tyler.” There was too much going on, too much uncertainty, and she was so afraid of where this journey would take her.

  “You can. You do. I know you love me, Renny. Don’t deny it.” Tyler’s voice was low and fierce but he kept his distance.

  Renny didn’t bother to deny the truth of his words. She’d spent many an hour last night thinking of him, remembering what they’d done. And that was the problem. She shouldn’t have allowed anything—her frustration, his loving—to distract her from her goal of finding Matthew.

  If she was making love with Tyler, she wasn’t thinking and planning and seeking guidance from the spirits. Matthew was all that mattered. Coming through for her family was all that mattered.

  Her own needs, wants and desires weren’t to be considered. So she drew a deep breath and faced Tyler squarely. “There is too much that might happen, Tyler. Too much that already has. I can’t let myself—”

  “Let yourself love? Be loved?” Tyler ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He loved this woman with all his heart and soul.

  “You’re strong, Renny. Very strong. Look at you. You’re the most fascinating woman I’ve ever met. You can do this. All of it. And together we can do more. Be more.”

  A part of Tyler was awed by what he saw in Renny. She looked formidable, like she didn’t need anyone. And that frightened him, for he knew she needed him as much as he needed her.

  “You’re right, Tyler. I have to be strong. I have to do this. It is my journey. Something I have to do. Alone.” She didn’t tell him that if she failed, she wouldn’t be worthy of his love or even that of her family. She could not fail in this task set before her.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Tyler indicated the rest of their party. “None of us are alone. We each have one another.” He kicked at the ground. “You have me, Renny, whether you want me or not. You are not alone, and you will not do this alone.”

  Renny so wanted to lean on him, and let him share her burden. But if she failed Matthew, and the rest of them, then that burden would have to remain hers alone to carry. She sighed. Too much was at stake for her to lose sight of her goal.

  “I’m sorry, Tyler,” she said softly. Then she walked away, rousing her family as she went. The sun had not yet risen properly but she was ready to go. Ready to travel her path and brave whatever was hers to face.

  Mounting her horse as everyone got up and ready, she searched the landscape. Golden grass stretched as far as the eye could see, except along the stream where cottonwoods dotted the winding path of water.

  They’d camped near the slight curve of the stream. There were many streams, some wide and deep, others no more than a shallow trickling creek that would dry up before the end of summer and lay barren until winter’s rain and snow returned.

  Renny remembered the summers they’d returned for a few weeks to her mother’s people. They’d cross the land, keeping to the streams, seldom going more than a day or two without fresh water.

  Frowning as she waited on the others, she thought through their day. First, find the trail leading away from that abandoned campsite. She expected that the trail would follow the river until it ended in the Missouri River.

  Thinking about that campsite reminded Renny why they’d been there yesterday. Had she not ridden off, she would not have been with Tyler, and would not have stopped at that stream, or learned the delicious secrets of womanhood.

  And maybe, a small voice said, if she had not gone there, with Tyler, she might not have seen the horse or found that campsite.

  Renny’s insides twisted and churned. She’d hurt Tyler earlier, but she could not think of herself, and that meant she couldn’t think of him.

  But oh, she wanted to. She wanted nothing more than to go to Tyler right now, take him somewhere alone. As much as she wanted to kiss him, and make love with him, she also wanted to share her revelations.

  But she couldn’t. She was afraid of believing that he was hers, only to have him taken from her. So much could happen before this journey was complete.

  Her emotions mirrored the streams. One minute her mind rushed and flowed with happiness, the next that happiness drained from her, replaced with a stagnant fear. Optimistic hope warred with the fear of failing.

  She grew pensive. Last night, she’d been filled with contentment, and a false hope that everything would be all right. But in the cold light of morning she saw the bleakness that lay ahead.

  She was afraid that she wouldn’t find Matthew alive, afraid that her family would blame her—if not consciously, then subconsciously. And so afraid that she’d no longer feel worthy of Tyler’s love.

  No, better to wait. Hurt him now, save him from more pain later. No one knew more than her the feeling of being happy only to have that joy ripped from one’s soul.

  She clucked softly at her horse and moved through their camp. Everything had been packed, the horses almost ready. Mattie was mounted, Reed rolling their bedroll.

  Tyler was doing the same, and as she watched, Maze mounted her horse smoothly and gracefully as though twenty years younger. She sent Renny an encouraging smile.

  They were nearly ready. They needed to get moving but Kealan and Daire seemed to be having problems. Kealan was in a bad mood, sulking because he’d been told to be ready to ride immediately. The morning meal would have to wait for just a little while.

  She figured they could eat biscuits and jerky while riding. She and Tyler would go ahead, scout the campsite. Despite their earlier words, Renny knew Tyler would stick to her like glue. Part of her rejoiced in it, even though it would just make things harder if she failed.

  Believe.

  She nodded. She believed in the spirits. Believed that Tyler would be at her side. She even believed that her family would love her no matter what the outcome.

  It wasn’t the journey she feared. It was failing—not her family, but herself. Others would forgive her. She’d never forgive herself.

  Renny grew restless. Antsy. The one thing she did not have, and never expected to have, was patience. Renny had waited all night to resume her journey. She was not waiting a moment longer.

  Mattie and Reed were now ready b
ut Daire and Kealan continued to argue.

  Renny rode up to her brothers. Daire had just mounted and was waiting for Kealan, who was standing with arms folded across his narrow chest. He wore a stubborn, mutinous expression.

  “Hurry up, Kea! Get on that horse,” she ordered.

  “I wanna ride in the front,” he said. His lips quivered.

  Renny glared down at her brother. There wasn’t time for this. “If you can’t get moving in the morning without sulking and causing problems, you’re too young to take watch at night.” Her voice came out harsher than she intended.

  Kealan kicked at the ground with the toe of his boot. A single tear fell and his face turned red. “I got lots of sleep ’cause I fell asleep instead of doing the watch thing. I wasn’t very good. I let you down.” His voice quivered.

  Renny let out a low growl and called upon some of that rare patience. She knew full well that Kealan seldom woke in a good mood, and that he always needed something to eat before he was human.

  Normally when she growled at him in the morning, he growled right back. But she hadn’t taken into consideration his young, tender ego or that he’d think he’d failed her because he’d fallen asleep.

  She hadn’t expected anything differently from a young boy of seven. But before she could think of a way to repair the damage to a very tender ego, Daire held down his hand.

  “Fine, Kea. You can ride in front.”

  Kealan turned, rubbing his eyes. “Really?”

  Daire grimaced as he helped his brother up. “Yeah. And guess what?” He paused until Kea looked at him.

  “What?”

  “I didn’t stay awake either.” Daire sounded rather put out with himself.

  Renny eyed her brothers with love. “I used to sit with Pa when we traveled and I fell asleep every time,” she said.

  Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a couple strips of jerky and handed them to both boys. “Eat,” she ordered, then rode away before she could be drawn into an argument.

  She rode up to the rest. “I’m going on ahead. Might take a while to find a trail, if there is one.”

  “You’re waiting for me,” Tyler said as he walked around the horse.

  She stared down at him, her gaze roaming over his face and settling on his mouth. He wore a dark shadow on his jaw that added to his rugged appearance. He looked grim and Renny felt guilty. She couldn’t give him the words he wanted. Not yet.

  Leaning down, she pulled his hat off his head and jammed it down onto her own. “Better get that ass of yours in the saddle then, Sheriff Troll, because I’m leaving.”

  As she’d hoped, a small smile lit his eyes as he mounted and rode after her. It felt good to know she wasn’t alone.

  Tyler caught up, reached over and took back his hat. “Lead the way, Miss O’Brien.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Tyler studied Renny as they rode. She seemed different this morning. And not just her clothing, though he had to admit, he loved the way she looked in the fringed dress and moccasins.

  She looked wild, primitive and in total control. Her hair had been left unbound, and it flowed freely. She was, he realized, a free spirit, a part of this untamed land.

  Her features were set and determined with that familiar aura of intensity that he knew so well. But there was something else. He studied her for a moment. Then it came to him.

  She seemed at peace. Not in a relaxed, have-no-care-in-the-world manner, but as though she’d come to some decision or realization.

  He glanced away when a pang of hurt rose inside him. Whatever had happened during the night to bring about this change was responsible for the new wall she’d built between them.

  He’d thought he’d gotten through to her, proven his loyalty and his love. He had believed that though she hadn’t said the words, she felt the same.

  Tyler wasn’t a man to stew in silence long. “Going to tell me about it?” He easily kept pace with her.

  She glanced over at him and frowned. “Tell you what?”

  “You’re different today.” He indicated her clothing. “Not what you’re wearing. Something more. Deeper.”

  Renny shrugged and trained her gaze ahead. “Same ol’ me. Same ol’ you, Nanny Troll.”

  Tyler laughed. Somehow, the insulting nicknames she had for him had taken on a loving caress. Who else could ever have called him Troll and lived?

  He had flattened more than one boy growing up who had dared to shorten his given name in this manner. After countless fights, his mother had finally agreed to just call him Tyler.

  “Okay. I’ll take a guess.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Never get it in a hundred guesses,” she said, her lips twitching.

  “Hmm, I get a hundred. Should pass the time.” He eyed her. “Guess one. Me.” He didn’t have long to wait for her reaction.

  “You? What are you thinking, Troll?” She grinned. “Oh, gee, guess trolls aren’t too good in the thinkin’ department.”

  Tyler lifted a brow. He felt relieved. She was back to sounding like the woman he loved. Maybe he really didn’t want to know what had happened, at least not until he had some idea of how to tear that particular wall back down.

  “Okay, don’t tell me,” he said. He suspected that in time she’d share it with him. He just hoped it was something he could live with, and convince her that they belonged together. No matter what happened here or in the future.

  Renny stopped, her eyes intent and serious. “I believe,” she said simply.

  Tyler moved closer. “In what, Miss O’Brien?”

  Renny glanced around them and held out her hands. “In all this. In what I can see, and what I can’t see but know is there.”

  She plucked at the fringe dangling from her native dress. “In this. In what it means.”

  Tyler mulled her words over. “What about me, Miss O’Brien? Do you believe in me? Do you believe that I will never let you be alone, that I’m here for you now, and will be there for you tomorrow? And the day after?”

  Renny sighed but didn’t look at him. “Yes,” she said.

  Tyler heard the unspoken “but” in her voice. He reached over and gently forced her to look at him. His thumb caressed the line of her jaw. “Say it, Renny.”

  Her eyes grew moist. “I believe you.”

  Reaching out, Tyler snagged her around the waist and pulled her as close as he could. It wasn’t enough, but he had to kiss her, touch her, feel her in his arms. Their horses stood still as he kissed her long and soft, gently deepening the kiss. She moaned when he lifted his head. “Thank you for that, Renny.

  “Who else do you believe in? Renny?” There was one person she had not included, one very important person: herself.

  Tyler remembered vividly the desperateness coursing through her while they’d made love. He’d been stunned by the depth of her despair, her need for control. He’d always known that she was stubborn as a mule and as determined and strong-willed as they came but he had never before seen the fear and guilt inside her.

  Settled back on her horse, she shook her head. “Let’s get going,” she said.

  Tyler nodded sadly. Unless she believed in herself, that she was worthy of all he offered, there was little he could do or say. He’d watched her so closely over the last year, knew how she thought. Right now, he knew that Renny didn’t believe that she had the right to succeed—or fail.

  He followed her, staying silent. Now was not the time for him to force this issue. As she had said. Later. Later there would come a time when he’d make her see that she had every right to both succeed, and fail, and lose control, just like the rest of the human race.

  Dismounting when they reached the abandoned campsite, they started searching for the single tracks of a shod horse. The fact that the horse had shoes
told her that the person they were tracking was most likely white. Or a trapper.

  She got back on her horse, feeling uneasy. By the time everyone else caught up with them, she was impatient to get going.

  Renny and Tyler once again took the lead, following a trail of crushed grass made by the hooves of the single horse. The steady pace and straight line of travel told Renny that the horse had a rider guiding his direction and speed.

  With every bit of distance she and her party covered, her hopes of finding her brother grew stronger. She just hoped they found him alive.

  Minutes turned into hours. They followed the animal’s droppings, saw where he’d munched at the grass, and even where the rider had stopped to rest, and maybe eat a quick meal.

  And when the tracks left the stream, and headed out into open prairie, Renny spotted something else.

  There were now two more sets of prints. In her gut, Renny knew that the other two sets of tracks, which were made by horses that were not shod, were Matt’s and Brenna’s.

  It had to be them. They were on the right path after all. But she didn’t stop. She shifted her horse over so that she was covering the tracks with the prints of her horse.

  “Renny?” Tyler had noticed. He had one brow quirked in question.

  “Kea and Daire. I don’t want them to see.”

  Tyler nodded and they continued to ride at a fast clip, covering the ground rapidly. By mid-afternoon, they came upon another abandoned camp. This time, there was no fire pit. From the wetness of the ground, she judged that it had been raining hard in the area. One glance at the sky warned that it would probably rain on them before dark.

  Tyler pointed to several sets of boot prints in the mud.

  “Matt’s?”

  Renny shook her head. “No. Not Matt’s.”

  “How do you know?” The question came from Tyler.

  Renny squatted down to study the area. She glanced at Kealan. He answered at her nod.

  “Tracks from a boot,” he said. “Matt doesn’t wear boots when he goes back home. He wears moccasins. Like mine.” He held up one foot. “Like we all do.”