by Ford, Mia
Even my boring bank job doesn’t feel quite so bad knowing that once I finish work I can either get to painting, train for the marathon, or hang out with Noah. The excitement my life required is finally here.
“You’re actually glowing, that’s what’s brilliant. You look awesome.”
“Don’t say that, it makes me sound like I’m pregnant.”
Her eyes widen with shock. “You aren’t, are you? You are being careful. I know that it’s been a while…”
“Of course I am! I’m not crazy. I know how biology works and I know how to protect myself.”
“Good, good, because that’s a sure fire way to send you flying down the aisle.”
I laugh as if the idea is ridiculous, but getting married to Noah wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Not that I’m in any hurry, I just really like him a lot.
“So, how are things going with you?” I ask, needing to change the subject. “Any new man on the scene?”
“Nah, still just dating. You know me. No one special.”
“Someone will come along, you realize that, don’t you?”
“Oh look at you,” she giggles. “No longer a Debbie Downer when it comes to romance.”
The blush runs all through my body, which is hopefully disguised by the sweat pouring over me.
“I’m not, I just think that… well, you’re awesome, Kayleigh. Someone perfect will come along for sure.”
“I’m not in any hurry.” She shrugs. “When it happens, it happens.”
I wonder if it’s happened for me. So far, me and Noah haven’t had any conversation about ‘us’ which is fair enough, since it’s only really been a short time, but I think it may well head in that direction eventually. We’ve been really open and honest with one another, telling each other everything, it’s been a really refreshing, open relationship where I can just honestly be myself with him…
“Who the hell is that?” Kayleigh’s voice shakes me from my thoughts. “That woman with Noah.”
I stop the treadmill dead and spin around, expecting to see a woman wrapped around him, kissing him. The way that Kayleigh said that made me feel the same way as I did when Wesley cheated on me. I guess that’s the conclusion that I will always come to straight away.
But the sight I’m actually faced with is something else. A younger woman with a child bundled up into her arms, talking to him furiously with panic in her eyes. It’s so strange, I don’t understand what’s going on.
“Who is that?” Kayleigh asks again. “And why does that child look so much like Noah.”
“Fucking hell.” I swallow down the thick ball of emotion that lodges in my throat. “I don’t know.”
“Does he have a kid?”
“No, he hasn’t said anything to me about any child…”
But as I watch the scene unfold in front of me, a horrifying realization strikes me. I have been very open and honest with him, I’ve told him everything about me, including the uglier parts of my life, but he hasn’t told me anything about him. I don’t know much about his life aside from his work, I’m unsure of his past romantic history, and I don’t know anything about his life at all… he’s let me share and not shared with me.
I sure as shit don’t know anything about some child.
“I need to go and find out. I’m going to… get closer. Just… wait here a moment.”
Kayleigh remains frozen where she is while I take some tentative steps closer. Now the man I thought that I was falling for has become a stranger and I don’t know him at all. Any warm comfort I felt around him has long gone. He leaves me cold and confused. He’s too involved in the woman in front of him to see me which I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing.
“I’m sorry, you know I wouldn’t if I didn’t have to…” I hear the woman pleading. “But my mom is in hospital and I can’t just… I can’t leave her and I can’t take Alex with me. I don’t know what else to do…”
“No, it’s okay, I understand. Family comes before work. I will sort something out.”
“I know you’re at work and I don’t want to get in the way…”
“Jenny, it’s fine, he’s my son…”
His son. The air is knocked completely from me. It isn’t that he has a child, that wouldn’t put me off him at all. It’s that he kept him from me, he lied. There have been so many times when he could have shared that information with me, so many times he could have let me. I have been so vulnerable with him and he hasn’t shared the same with me. That has to be for a reason, he doesn’t like me enough or respect me.
This is basically proof that I’m an idiot. He doesn’t want me. Not really.
My whole body encases in ice, every single inch of me freezes. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Panic boils and curls in my stomach, threatening to burst free at any given moment.
“I’m so sorry, Noah. I’ll let you know as soon as I know.”
“Don’t you rush. I can call another staff member in to cover me, it will be fine.”
“Are you sure?” her voice shakes with worry. Through everything, I feel bad for her. I know that feeling.
“I’m sure. You go… take care of your mom…”
“Thank you, Noah, you have no idea what this means to me. You’re such a good boss.”
Boss… she must be his nanny. I can’t work out what that means.
As the woman named Jenny runs from the room, Noah bends down to talk to his little boy. There’s such a sweet intensity to his face that almost makes my heart melt. It’s nice to see him as a father, I like to see this softer side to him, but it’s just another stark reminder that he’s lied.
I told him about Mom, I told him about Wesley, and he kept me out. There’s a reason for that.
“Scuse,” a rough sounding voice comes from behind me. But it’s all hollow and I pay no real attention. “Miss, scuse.” When I pay no attention again, I feel a slamming sensation into my back which sends me flying forwards.
“Oof,” I cry out, the wind knowing from my body. I stumble but just about manage to stop myself from falling.
“I did ask you to go...”
But I’m still paying no attention to the person who banged into me, because Noah has heard the commotion and his eyes are now on me. They widen, I can see the sickly shock running through him, which only confirms that this is something he doesn’t want me to know.
“I…” he starts, but I can’t hear any explanation from him. Not in front of his kid, maybe not even ever, so I turn and I run towards the door. I leave all my stuff behind in my hurry to get away. It’s lucky really that Noah has his child with him because he can’t chase after me. I need some time to process this.
“Mia!” Thankfully, it’s Kayleigh who follows me and she has all my stuff with her. “Mia, wait up.”
I don’t stop running until I get around the corner. I don’t even want to see the gym or the pizza shop where we had an amazing date. I can’t see anything that reminds me of the good times with Noah because it’s all a lie. Everything he said wasn’t the truth, all of it now has a shade of betrayal over it.
I’m angry at him but I’m more annoyed at myself for falling in too deep. Why couldn’t I just keep it as a fling? Why did I have to over step the mark and act like a freak? Why do I always get carried away?
“Mia, what the fuck?”
“I’m sorry.” I clutch onto my knees and breathe deep. “I didn’t mean to just run like that.”
“What the fuck happened in there? You didn’t even talk to him.”
“I know. I didn’t need to. That child is his and he didn’t even tell me…”
“Oh…” Kayleigh looks as frozen as I feel. “That’s weird.”
“It is weird, Kayleigh, I told him everything about me. I opened up about last year.”
“What, all of it?”
“All of it, and he’s had lots of time to tell me that he has a kid but he hasn’t.”
“Was that the boy’s mother?”
>
“No, the nanny. I don’t know who the mom is.”
“Do you think…” Kayleigh bites down awkwardly on her bottom lip. “Do you think he might be married?”
I sigh and hang my head low, not noticing the tear leaking from my eye until it splashes on the sidewalk beside me. “I don’t know, but that makes sense, doesn’t it? Otherwise why wouldn’t he just tell me?”
Kayleigh doesn’t have an answer for me. She wraps an arm around me and I nestle into her.
“You know what? He must be an asshole,” she eventually says decisively. “If he’s willing to cheat on his wife and not say anything to you to at least let you know where you stand then he doesn’t deserve you.”
“He is always secretive about his cell phone,” I suddenly realize. “Like, I’m not ever trying to look at it or anything, but he gets a lot of messages and he never lets me see it. I didn’t notice it because I don’t want to look at it, but now it seems really strange. Probably because his wife is messaging him.”
“We need to get out of here,” Kayleigh decides. “Far away from him.”
“I can’t ever come back to this gym. Ever.”
I knew this was going to happen, this is why I didn’t want any involvement with anyone.
“That’s okay, I think we can just run now. We don’t need a gym. I don’t want you to ever see him again. We need to get him out of your life completely. Numbers deleted, stuff thrown away, everything. I don’t want you to be heart broken over this guy. He was only supposed to be a fling.”
I sob pitifully but nod to agree with her. Noah was supposed to only make me feel better not worse.
“Thank you, Kayleigh. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You don’t ever have to worry about that. I’m always going to be here for you.”
She’s always there for me through every heart break. Thank God, Wesley didn’t push her away from me. I don’t know where I would be right now. She’s my rock. I need her.
15
Noah
“Hi, this is Mia, please leave a message after the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can…”
“For fuck sake,” I growl loudly as I listen to her voice mail for what feels like the hundredth time. Mia definitely doesn’t want to talk to me, she’s made that much obvious with the string of unanswered calls. I haven’t even bothered to text because I don’t want to be humiliated in another medium as well.
I drop my cell phone on the side and rub my eyes hard. This is awful, I didn’t want Mia to find out like that. It’s wrong, I should have just told her. I’m an idiot, what was I thinking?
“Daddy, can I wear this?” Alex asks me as he spins to show me his mis matched outfit.
“Yes, of course you can. That looks great on you.”
“When is Jenny coming?”
“No, Jenny isn’t coming today. Her mommy isn’t very well.”
“So, I will be left on my own?”
“No, of course not,” I reassure him. Bless his little heart. “Daddy will be here.”
“What about work?”
“You are more important than work. I won’t leave you alone.”
His face lights up, he looks so pleased that it strikes me hard. At some point I really need to take a step back from the gym, let Foster manage the night shifts, pick someone to manage the day shifts and delegate so I can get a bit of a life back. I should do that for Alex’s sake. I know it, but I haven’t done it yet.
The look on his face should drive me in the right direction.
“Can we go to Grandma’s house?”
“Yes of course we can! That sounds really nice actually.”
“She lives near the park. I like the slide.”
“I know she does, we can go to play there for a bit if you like.”
“Yay!” He jumps around and squeals with excitement which means we need to go. It isn’t that I don’t want to, it’s just I know that questions will fly my way and I don’t want to deal with any of them.
I’ve lost Mia now, the first person who I could have actually had something with, and I need to move on. I don’t ever live in the past, once something is done I move on. I just don’t know why it hasn’t happened already. Since I haven’t heard from her in over twenty four hours, I guess I won’t now.
“Right, let’s get all organized then and we can go. I need to get dressed, we need to brush teeth…”
“I need a snack too before we go!”
I laugh. “You’ve been spending too much time with Grandma, but of course you can.”
As he races into the kitchen I can’t stop myself from smiling. Spending this extra time with Alex is a blessing in disguise really. It’s making me rethink things. This might all end up being a really good thing.
* * *
Hayley: Did you not get my last message? It isn’t a threat, I mean it.
Hayley: Fuck you, Noah. You’ve made a real enemy here.
Hayley: They are going to kill me if I don’t send them to you…
Hayley: I fucking gave you everything and you gave me nothing. I deserve this.
Hayley: Your gym is in danger unless you reply to me. I’m just warning you…
Hayley: I will fucking KILL you, KIL… I kept saying it trying to tell you, but you won’t liste
Hayley: Alez is troubled too nd it’s all cuz of yo
Hayley: I neer loved u. never.
Hayley: I am so sad. I have nothi and you got it all. I don’t undersnd wht I did wrong cus I wnted everything, I lke you and u just fuk off wiv everyon else.
Hayley: The world is better off if I nt here.
I guess Hayley was drunk last night. I can tell by the melancholy that she descended through the evening. I know something must be going on in her life, she never usually gets in touch this much, it’s been getting more and more with every day, and I’m sure she’s in a financial bind, but I’m never going to help her. She left us.
“Something happening, Noah?” Mom asks me curiously. “You’re staring at your phone a lot.”
“Hmm, no.” I shove my phone away. “Nothing going on.”
She will lose her mind and I’ve put her through enough with this mess with Hayley.
“So, it isn’t your new dating buddy then?”
“No, Mom.” I sigh, needing to shut this down now. “That’s over, Mom. It’s done.”
“Oh no.” She looks at me, stunned. “How come? I thought you were in a good place?”
“It went well for a while, but it was only ever going to be short term.”
“Why? What happened?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it, Mom. I just want to forget about it.”
“I just haven’t seen you care as much before, that’s all. I haven’t seen you so involved with someone and I don’t understand why it’s ended. It seems a shame for you to lose her now. I haven’t even met her.”
“It was just a fling. Not serious enough to meet the family.”
But there’s a tug in my heart as I say that and I’m sure Mom can see it. She furrows her eyebrows together and looks at me like she can tell that I’m lying. I have to avert my gaze so I don’t accidently spill anything.
“Look, Mom, it’s over now. There’s nothing more to talk about.”
“Please, Noah. Don’t keep shutting me out.”
“I’m not, I just don’t want to talk about it.”
“You never want to talk about your feelings.”
“I know. And that hasn’t changed now.”
She sighs and shakes her head, clearly disappointed by me but I’m not going to change my mind. Mia wasn’t in my life for long enough for me to feel like this, I need to just shut it down.
“If you don’t talk about it I can’t help you.”
“I don’t need you to help me. I’m a grown ass man who can take care of myself.”
“Hmm, sure. You’re doing a really good job of that.”
“Thanks a lot, Mom. I don’t think I’m
doing terribly.”
Yes, I can feel myself about to take my anger out on the wrong person, but that doesn’t stop me. It’s all pent up, it needs somewhere to go and the person that I’m really annoyed at is myself.
“Noah, I just want to help you. I want you to be happy.”
“Then keep out of it,” I explode. “I don’t need any advice or help. I’m fine. After what happened with Hayley…” I try to ignore the snort of derision that comes out of her mouth. “I just want to date and have fun. I don’t want anyone to come in and actually be a part of my life.”
“What, even if you fall in love?”
“Love isn’t going to happen, Mom.”
“I don’t want you to end up lonely.”
“You’re lonely, Mom!” I don’t even mean to say that it just explodes. “Since Dad died, you haven’t found anyone, so I don’t know why you are lecturing me to fall in love.” Mom falls into a chair and sadness crosses her face. I feel terrible now, I shouldn’t have said that. “Sorry, Mom, I don’t know why I said that…”
“No, it’s okay. I understand. I know what you’re saying… but your father is the love of my life, he will always be my world. I don’t think you had that with Hayley and it’s sad to go through life without it.”
“I know.” I hang my head shamefully. “I’m sorry, I’m just angry at myself because I wrecked things and I’m taking it out on you. I don’t mean to be a massive dick.”
“No, I get it.” She gives me a serious look. “But just because your father has been the love of my life, it doesn’t mean I’m alone now.”
“You have someone? How is that possible? I’ve never seen him.”
“Look, Noah, I’ve had my serious love. The man I have now is a companion. That’s why you haven’t met him. Plus, I know how much you idolize your dad. I haven’t ever wanted to upset you.”
“I don’t understand, Mom. How have you kept this from me?”
“I haven’t purposefully kept it from you, it’s just one of those things. You’ve had a lot of drama going on in your life, you haven’t needed to worry about my issues too.”
I breathe a couple of times, trying to calm my insides down. “Are you happy?”