by Ford, Mia
“I am.” She nods determinedly. “I am happy. He won’t ever be your dad, but he’s nice.”
“Well… that’s really good…”
“So, that’s why I want you to be happy too. What happened with your date?”
“I just screwed it up, Mom. I wasn’t honest about everything and it upset her.”
What did you lie about?”
“I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell her the truth.”
Mom pales. “You shouldn’t keep things hidden if you really like someone.”
“I know, but I guess I didn’t realize how much I like her until now. And now it’s too late.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“I’m very sure.”
Mom gives me a look of pure sympathy, and for a brief moment I wonder if I should just tell her everything. It would be nice to have an ear to listen and some good advice, but since it won’t change anything I decide against it. I need to leave this house before I end up falling apart.
“Come on, Alex,” I call out to my son. “Let’s go to the park now. I need to go outside.”
“You don’t have to leave…”
“We’ll come back. I just need some space, that’s all.”
“Okay, well just know that I’m always here for you.”
“I do, Mom. Thank you.”
I need to digest this, to really think about it, and for that I need fresh air. This is all so much. Mom has a man in her life, she understands me more than I ever gave her credit for, but still I can’t open up. Not yet anyway.
* * *
“Is something wrong with the treadmill, boss?” Foster asks me. “You’re staring at it furiously.”
“Oh no, it’s okay. I was just… thinking about repositioning it.”
“You’re changing a lot these days. When is the art work coming in?”
Urgh, fucking hell, that makes my heart flutter and my stomach sink. The art work that was supposed to brighten this place up and remind me of the woman I now desperately want to forget.
“Oh, I don’t know… soon probably. If it isn’t done soon then I might have to find a new artist.”
“Are you okay, Noah? You seem a bit… flat.”
I feel flat. I’ve felt flat ever since Mia walked out of my life, but I can’t share that with anyone. Not without looking like a complete idiot. “I’m good, just a bit worn out.”
“The nanny is back to work, isn’t she?”
“She is, yeah, most of the time, but her mom is still sick.”
“Oh, well that must be stressful for you. I will always cover if you need time off.”
“Yeah. Thank you.”
I do need some space away from here, the gym is a stark reminder of everything and Mia is making it really hard for me to shut my feelings down. She isn’t here and she’s not going to come back again, so maybe I should leave… but the problem is I don’t really have anywhere else to do. Trent is out of the state again. I only have work.
“Right, back to work as always.” I put a giant smile on my face, however fake it is. “Thanks again, Foster.”
At least I have my gym to keep me distracted, at least I have something…
16
Mia
“Are you ready for this?” Kayleigh asks while stretching herself out like a gazelle. “It’s time.”
“I know.” I take another nervous sip of my water. “It’s all been leading down to this.”
I glance around at all the other anxious hopefuls preparing themselves to run the marathon, and I try to draw something from the crowds, but all I get is nerves. There are a lot of people gathered around to watch as well, to cheer people on, but it hasn’t escaped my notice that none of those people are Noah.
When I was training for this, I thought he would be watching me, it’s sad that he isn’t.
Yes, I’m still sad that things ended between us, even if it was on a lie. I’m still gutted that I opened up to him and he didn’t trust me enough to say anything back to me. There must be something wrong with me…
“I don’t know how some people are planning to run it in costume. It’s so hot anyway.”
“I know,” I agree with Kayleigh. “They must be mad. That gorilla suit looks so damn uncomfortable.”
“Fitness wear is bad enough. It feels all wrong on me now.”
“Oh, look, there’s someone dressed as an ice cream. And a washing machine…”
“I don’t think those people will finish it.”
I’m not totally convinced that I will to be honest. I’ve trained hard, even since I stopped going to the gym I have done a lot of running, but I have no idea how fit I really am. I mean, twenty six miles is really something else, isn’t it? it’s too much. I probably should back out now…
No, I tell myself sharply. Don’t give up on something else.
Even though it hasn’t worked out with Noah, the marathon has still been a turning point in my life. I’m still glad that I agreed to do it. It’s opened me up, made me see things differently, got me painting again… that hasn’t stopped even if the fling has. I’m just channeling my sadness into work. Not for anyone, not for his gym anymore, just for me. I need to be creative now, no matter what happens.
“Oh, look, they are sending off the professional runners now. It will be us soon.”
I push up on to my tip toes to see what Kayleigh is talking about. “Should we get to the starting line?”
“We aren’t in any rush to finish it, are we? Let’s just hang back. Let the crowds go first.”
I nod and agree with her. “Yeah, I guess so. We don’t want to end up trampled.”
That takes the pressure off a little bit as well. Because I think if I do finish this, it will be the achievement of a life time. It will show me that I can do anything, it doesn’t matter if it takes me days to finish it as long as I do, and if we aren’t in the starting line then I don’t feel like I have to rush.
“Are you okay?” Kayleigh rubs my back. “You look like you’re panicking now.”
“I’m not. I’m okay.” I nod and focus on breathing. “This is going to be amazing.”
“This is what we’ve been working towards, all the fight has been for this.”
“Yep, that’s true. This is the final step that is putting the past behind me.”
“Exactly. This is like the first day of the rest of your life.”
“I like that. It makes me believe that anything is possible.”
“It is! Just look how far you’ve come in three months. Be proud, will you?”
I laugh at her and agree. “I am. I never thought that it would happen.”
“Well, it has. So now you just need to keep going in the right direction.”
“I will. The past is over now. It’s behind me. Done.”
That will not just have to include Noah too. I didn’t think it, I never expected him to be someone that I need to forget, but it is what it is. Today is the last day in this era. It is what it is. As I run I will need to shed his face, the way he made me feel, all the good times… and the bad too. I will need to forget and move past the lies.
“Come on then, everyone is rearranging themselves. Let’s get into position.”
People surround us, but I don’t acknowledge any of them, I keep my gaze focused on the starting line. That’s my goal for the moment. Once I pass that I’m in the right direction, heading to exactly where I need to be.
“Do you feel all stretched?” Kayleigh gives me a worried look. “You haven’t done much.”
“It’s fine. I feel okay.” I have no idea how stretched I’m supposed to be. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. We’re about to start now anyway so it’s too late. I’ll just have to keep my fingers crossed.”
The announcer says something, but it comes out muffled through the machine so I don’t really hear what’s being said. I can guess though, he’s telling us that it’s time for us to go. I steel myself, pushing all thoughts of my training in the gym, the time I s
pent with Noah, the other stuff to one side and focus on my much stronger body. At least I’ve worked hard, I can do it if I get into the right mental position. It’ll be fine.
“Okay, it’s time,” Kayleigh hisses. “Shit, I don’t know if I’m ready for this now.”
“You are. We are. It’ll be awesome. Trust me, we can do this.”
I take her hand and squeeze it reassuringly, which makes her smile at me. I can still see the nerves though. I just hope they die away once we start running, so we can focus.
“Okay, let’s do this together. Me and you against the world.”
Bang!
Then it rings out, the gun, and it’s time for us to go…
* * *
“This isn’t too bad,” I cry out to Kayleigh as I fly through the air about an hour in. “I feel all good about it.”
She pants and grabs a bottle of water from one of the people handing them out and she pours some of it over her. As she sucks the rest of it back and tosses the bottle into the bin, then she nods.
“Yeah, it’s okay. I think. I don’t know, I might be dying.” Her breath is ragged. “Fucking hell.”
I can’t feel the same as her, endorphins are racing through my body rapidly. My head is high, my legs are pumping, hitting the concrete hard, and I don’t think I will ever stop running. All of a sudden, twenty six miles doesn’t seem too far at all. I’m pretty sure I can do anything.
“You’ll be fine. You’ll get over that in a moment. We’ll be okay.”
“The gorilla gave up. I think I should too.”
She really does look in pain and I feel bad for her. I just need to be her support to keep her going. At the moment, I can’t see it happening, but I hope that she will do the same for me if it comes down to it.
I grab her hand and smile, pulling her along with me. “I won’t let you give up, I promise you.”
Her face is red, sweat pours off her, but determination crosses her face. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
She picks up the pace and we even manage to pass people because we’re going so fast. It’s amazing. I’m absolutely loving this, I want to laugh with glee because this is so awesome.
I want to do this every day. Maybe this is what I should do. Run forever. Why the hell not…?
* * *
“Fuck, no, Kayleigh, I need to pause.” My legs slow down, they are heavy, all of my muscles are consumed with lead. “This is hell, I don’t like this at all. it hurts.”
My chest aches, my lungs hurt like hell, every muscle in my body screams. I don’t know how I ever thought this was a good thing. The girl I was an hour and a half ago is gone. She was an idiot, a fool to enjoy running. It’s the worst thing in the world. Now I want to die too, I hate this.
“We can’t give up, Mia, we’ve come so far.”
“Are we even half way through yet?”
“Yeah, we passed the half way mark ages ago. We’re doing amazing.”
I don’t feel amazing, I hate this, I want it to end. This is torture, I don’t know what made me agree to any of it. I want to wring Kayleigh’s neck because she talked me into it.
“Let’s take a break, I need to stop.”
I pause just for long enough to grab a bottle of water from one of the stations, but it quickly becomes obvious that stopping is a terrible idea. My body actually feels worse, so I force myself to start again. Kayleigh grins at me, reassuring me. Her lit up face makes me feel a little happier. But only minutely so. I still hate life right now.
“Come on, keep on going. Getting across that finish line will feel amazing.”
“I know, but the finish line is so far away. I don’t know if I can do it.”
“You can do it. You can.” Now it’s her turn to take my hand. “We can do it together.”
I want to believe her, I really do, but I don’t know if I have it in me. My body doesn’t feel like I have the power in it anymore. I’ll just keep trying for a little while longer…
* * *
“Fucking hell!” I crash over the finish line and fall into a heap with Kayleigh. “We did it!”
“I don’t know how, but we did.”
“We both had our wobbles, but we’re here.”
She was right, it does feel incredible to get across the finish line, I never thought it would feel so amazing. I have achieved something phenomenal, something to be really proud of. I really have purged the past now, I don’t think I will ever look backwards again, not when I know how amazing I am and what I can achieve.
A man comes over and gives us the silvery blankets that paramedics give people in accidents.
“What is this for?” I ask him curiously.
“Trust me, you will need it.”
Me and Kayleigh sit side by side, wrapped up in the blankets that actually feel good. The sweat on our skin is turning cold and the muscles in our whole bodies ache like hell, so it’s lucky that we don’t need to move.
Other people fly over the finish line, some of them puking, some of them fainting, all of them with that same look of pride that I have. We’re unified in a weird way, all together in our achievements, it’s nice.
“We’re going to have to move in a moment,” Kayleigh warns me.
“Why? I don’t ever want to move again.
“I know, but we need to collect our completion medals. I have a funny feeling that this will feel like a dream in a few days so we need something to remind us of it.”
I do want that, a reminder of the first day of the rest of my life, but my body doesn’t want to move yet.
“Just a little while longer,” I whine while leaning in to my friend. “Then we’ll get up.”
“Hey, do you even know what our time was?”
“About four and a half hours,” I offer. “I don’t know. Quicker than I thought it would be.”
“We’re pretty bad ass, aren’t we? Me and you?”
“We sure are.” I smile and let that soak in. “We really are.”
“It was me and you against the world then and we won.”
“I have a feeling that we will always keep on winning too.”
17
Noah
I’m sick of hearing about the marathon, it’s absolutely ridiculous. Because it’s a gym and everyone is into fitness, it’s all everyone can talk about, but I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to discuss anything that reminds me of Mia. I haven’t got a clue if she’s in or not and I don’t want to know. I just want to get on with it.
I know that I’m walking around with a face like a slapped ass, I can feel everyone looking at me like I have a big cloud hanging over my head, but I can’t shake this bad mood. Not at all.
“You headed out tonight?” Josh asks me. “It’s usually quite a good one after an event like this.”
I consider the possibility of accidently on purpose bumping into Mia out on the town, the first time it really was an accident and it ended really well. Maybe that will happen again. Maybe face to face she will be more willing to listen to me. There’s always a chance, isn’t there?
But there’s also a chance that she will scream at me, that she will shut me down and close all hope forever. I’m supposed to be past this now anyway. I’m over her, done. There’s no point in seeing her face again and dragging it all back up for both of us. Just like Ally, she doesn’t accept my son. This much is obvious.
“I don’t know, maybe…”
“Oh, you should. It will be on fire. There will be chicks everywhere.”
He makes a humping gesture that sickens me. I know a lot of my staff love having fun and sowing their wild oats, but do they have to act this way? It’s sickening.
I roll my eyes and snort. “You know there’s more to going out than just pulling, you do realize that?”
“Is there?” He screws up his face. “I don’t know, that’s the main point, isn’t it?”
“What about having a drink and a dance? Hanging out with friends? Having a good time.”
“I
don’t know…”
But I know that it’s pointless, he isn’t going to listen to me, so I step away. I get it because when I was in my early twenties I was the same, but I’m a father who turned thirty last year now, that isn’t me anymore. As it turns out, I can’t really tolerate listening to it either. I guess I’m growing up.
“Anyway, if you decide to come out, hit me up. It could be fun. We’re all going.”
Like I’m known for hanging out with my staff! I like them but mixing work and pleasure is never a good thing. I learned that the hard way with Mia. I made that rule for a reason and now I need to stick to it. This is why I need to lock myself away so I don’t even see her again. That will only lead to trouble.
“Yeah, sure I’ll let you know. See what happens.”
I scan my eyes over the gym, seeing that everything is okay, and I head into my office for a little time out. I sit in my chair and press my palms into my eyes to block the world out. The blackness fills me which is comforting, because at least I don’t see her face again. That’s progress.
Ring, ring…
“Go away,” I mutter, wanting to ignore my phone.
Ring, ring… ring, ring…
The sound is so shrill and I don’t see it turning off any time soon, so I grab it and I hit answer without looking at the screen. I barely even say hello, it’s more of just a grunting sound that comes out of my mouth.
“Noah, is that you? Are you there? I need…”
“Jenny?” My eyes snap open, the panic in her voice is palpable. “What’s going on? Is it your mom?”
I stand, preparing myself to race home to take Alex off her so she can head to the hospital or wherever she needs to go. Jenny hasn’t given me much information about her mother’s health, but it sounds bad.
“It’s Alex.” My blood runs cold. All of a sudden, this takes a new turn. “He’s gone.”
She’s sobbing, hysterical sounding, it’s going to be hard to wade through the terror in her voice.