by Michael Todd
The rest of the crew stared at him in awe as he gulped down the rest of the liquor and dropped the canteen. He whistled loudly. “You want me, fuckers? Come and get me!”
JB put his hand to his mouth and coughed. Paula looking up from a table in the restaurant. “You okay?”
JB waved his hand and nodded. “That was the day Jens changed. In fact, that was the moment he shed his innocence, his fears—everything. With the liquor coursing through him, he slung those motherfucking Philos back to whatever alien hell they came from. There were at least six of them, but he raged through the jungle, killing every last one.”
Holly’s mouth fell open. “On his own?”
“Damn straight, on his own. They said it was like he was shining. He was so angry he was burning with it. He was shooting the damn things with a gun and slicing through them with his knife. When he was done, he threw Mary over his shoulder and the whole damn team got the hell out of there. It turned out Ainsley was right about the distance. They struggled to get back, but they made it to the Staging Area with enough juice left in Jens to drive them back.”
Holly chuckled. “Drunk driving.”
“At that point, no one gave a flying fuck how they got back as long as they did. Mary and Wizard were in the hospital for several days, but Horace refused to even stay the night. They were okay, if you can believe it. By the time Jens sobered up, he was a completely different man. He vowed never to go into the Zoo without liquor in his hand again. To test that theory, he started drinking more and testing it in the real world. He was fearless and kind of a dick, that’s true, but people liked him.”
“What about the Zoo? Did he test it in there?”
A customer walked up to the bar and caught JB’s eye. “Gimme just a minute. Break for everyone.”
Holly sighed and sat back on her stool. She replayed the story in her head, fascinated by every detail. She regarded her drink suspiciously and cut her eyes to either side of her, making sure nobody was watching her as she downed it. Holly took a deep breath, sat there, and waited. After a few moments, she sighed. “Nope. Still plain old me.”
Chapter Five
“I met that sonofabitch once.” The old gentleman standing at the bar scowled into the distance. “He was a real jokester, that guy. I can attest to his balls growing two sizes larger when he drank. He never seemed drunk, though. No blackouts, I don’t think, and he never slurred or stumbled. Always held himself together.”
JB smiled and took the man’s money, watching as he walked back to his table. The man was well dressed, and Holly could tell from his limp and his scars that he was a former mercenary. What she couldn’t understand was why anyone would hang around town after retiring from the Zoo. Then again, Dan had stayed, and he had a pretty successful business.
Thinking of Dan, Holly glanced around to see if she had overlooked him, but he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. JB walked up. “Waiting for someone?”
“No. Don’t see Dan or the people from yesterday.”
JB nodded. “Yeah, Dan doesn’t come in that much. I think he was here just for you. Probably has some business to take care of today.”
Holly made a small sound, ignoring his comment about Dan. “I’m still having a hard time believing that alcohol was the reason Jens acted the way he did. Survival will do all kinds of crazy things to you. Adrenaline gets pumping, and mothers can lift cars to save their trapped babies. You hear crazy-ass stories all the time.”
Toothless slapped his hand on the bar. “No, no. I can attest to it. That man had some kind of crazy reaction to liquor. It was like a super-serum for him. It did things for him I never saw before or since. You could tell when he hadn’t been drinking, too. After a few days, he got quiet. Kept to himself. Get a few drinks in him, and he was ready to go out and kick anyone’s ass. In fact, I seen him kick a few guys square in the teeth. Mean ones, too.”
JB smiled. “From what I heard, you were one of those guys a long time ago.”
Toothless snarled and took a gulp of his beer. “He blindsided me.”
“Oh, okay. Blindsided you straight in the mouth. I get it. It’s okay, Butch, really. We understand fully. Don’t be embarrassed; that guy was a beast with a little booze in him. If I were you, I’d be proud of that grin.”
Holly put both hands on the bar. “Okay, just so I have this straight. He went from a fearful goof-off kind of a guy to this raging wild man, all because he discovered scotch?”
JB shrugged. “Everybody’s got their thing, I suppose. And it wasn’t just scotch, but that was where it started. If I’m not forgetting, I think he ended up being a vodka man. If it contained alcohol, it would work. I half-expected to see him chugging wine before he went in, but wine isn’t so prevalent around this town.”
Holly chuckled under her breath. “I can’t imagine why. What happened next?”
JB rubbed his hands together and leaned back on his stool. “Okay. He wanted to test his theory, right? Was alcohol super-juice, or what? He went into the Zoo with the team a few more times, and every time he was three sheets to the wind. The first couple of times there wasn’t anything to fight. You believe that? The guy wants to find action, and for once, the Zoo is cuddly as a kitten. His teammates were starting to worry that he would pull a Pita plant just to see if he could get a reaction.”
Holly’s smile melted off her face. “Oh, God, that would have been terrible.”
“Yeah, but drunk or not, he wasn’t an idiot. He didn’t want to get other people killed, but he was feeling bulletproof, that was for sure. The fourth time he went out, he really started to shine; really gave himself over to the booze. His teammates came back talking about insane things, things no one had ever seen before. Now, I wasn’t there for this, it was all still on the German side of things, but from what I was told, he woke up that morning ready to go with a sack full of liquor, a few weapons, and his suit.”
Holly snorted. “I’m surprised he even wore his suit.”
JB laughed. “Well, that was required by contract. They knew he was drinking, too, but they let it slide. They had noticed that the last few trips had not only been lucrative, but quick, too. His team was trying to keep that under wraps. If their competitors found out, there could be a bidding war for Jens the drunk and they just might lose their star.”
Holly rolled her eyes. “It always comes down to money. I swear, if the pay was dead-even across the board, the men wouldn’t push themselves so hard. They wouldn’t make as many mistakes. We would lose a lot fewer men out there. Sometimes I think the roughnecks are fighting each other as much as the fucking Zoo.”
JB poured himself a shot and held it up to her. “I definitely agree with you on that. Humanity can be its own worst enemy. Jens, he was feeling that, but trying to ignore it. He liked being top dog. He liked going out and kicking ass. His was the only team that kept picking Pita while the animals were attacking. They knew full well that Jens had it on lock. They started to have a hell of a lot of faith in him. That kind of faith, no man or woman should have in another human being.”
Holly let out a sigh. “Because humans are fallible, no matter what super-juice they’re drinking.”
“That is very true. And Jens was no exception. They just weren’t going to see that for a while. In the meantime, they were living it up. Rolling in the money. Even Horace loosened up. Maybe he even cracked a smile once a week or so. It was their heyday.”
Jens leveled his pistol at the charging jag, closed one eye, and pulled the trigger. His hand bucked slightly. The bullet slammed into the jag’s skull, and it fell to one side and landed in tall grass. Its eyes rolled back in its head, and its tongue slipped from the corner of its mouth. Jens rolled his shoulders. “And if you like that one, I got a whole pocketful for your friends.”
He glanced to his right, where Horace was standing with an automatic weapon in each hand. His HUD was off, and he was puffing on a cigar. With the lucrative paydays they had been receiving, he had more than enough money to sen
d home. He had developed expensive habits to match. Over the last three trips, they had each managed to bank close to three hundred thousand dollars. It was more than any of them had dreamed of making that fast.
Two jags stalked toward Horace, and he bared his teeth around the cigar and squared his feet. Sweet smoke circled his head, sweat drenched his forehead, and his giant arms glistened in the sun. He raised his rifles and pulled both triggers. Gunfire and jag screams filled the air. Skin, fur, and goopy blood flew everywhere.
Mary hollered behind them. She raced across the clearing riding on a jag’s back, the creature bucking and hissing beneath her. She raised one arm, turning her hand in circles as if she were waving a hat. A glimmer of wild red hair showed through her HUD, and her laughter crackled over the comm.
The jag she was riding lurched to a stop, and she rocked forward but held tight. Her leg muscles were like bands of steel. “You are going to have to do better than that. I ain’t that easy. I’ve ridden bulls with balls bigger than you are.”
Wizard roared with laughter as he faced off with a pair of smaller jags. His knife flashed in the sun. Blood sprayed from the creatures as he sliced through the jags’ fur and scales, taking one life after another. The animals didn’t know what had hit them. Wizard had decided that for every animal he killed, there was one less to get in his way. In the back of his mind, he was aware several species in the Zoo had regenerative genes, so he wasn’t sure how true that was. Still, it made him feel better.
Ainsley, on the other hand, enjoyed watching his team make a mess of the creatures. He couldn’t help but chuckle as jag body parts flew across the jungle. He had his pistol in his hand in case any of them came upon him, but the team was so enthusiastic that he barely got the chance. That particular trip they had already collected their Pitas and were on their way out of the Zoo. It was going to be a good payday if Ainsley could get his team to stop fucking around and move.
Mary leaned forward over her mount and slammed her knife into the beast’s throat. She ripped it free, and blood splashed the vibrant green grass. She slipped off the jag and wiped her knife on her leg.
Ainsley clapped his hands. “All right, team, I think we’ve had our fun for the day.” Ainsley reached into his sack and pulled out a bottle of vodka. He tossed it across the clearing to Jens. “Why don’t you finish this mess up? It’s vodka day. I wanna see what kind of superpowers it gives you.”
Jens grinned and twisted off the cap. “You got it, boss.”
The rest of the team formed up next to Ainsley. They had ringside seats to a new kind of show. They loved watching Jens kick ass almost as much as they loved the fight. Jens tipped the bottle back and guzzled the booze. He shook his head and let out a battle cry, raising his gun with one hand.
Mary elbowed Ainsley. “This is going to be so good.”
Jens snarled at the jags in the trees. “Come and get it, pretty kitties. I got some bullets with your names on them.”
He ran toward the jags, yelling as he fired.
With all the alcohol already in his system, you would be right to assume he had been firing wildly, shooting trees and rocks and everything but the jags. There you go with your assumptions. Almost every bullet struck its target.
Three of the vicious jags hit dirt immediately. When his magazine clicked empty, he holstered it, tossed the bottle up, and snatched it in mid-air with his other hand.
Using his left hand, he pulled his other gun and resumed shooting. Even though he was firing left-handed, the booze did its work. “Come on, you mother-licking fuckwad animals. You are an embarrassment to the Zoo with your ridiculous fucking reindeer horns and bushy tails. I’ve produced turds scarier than you.”
He gulped the vodka as he emptied his other gun. Two more jags fell. Sweat soaked his shirt, and he could smell the liquor pouring out of him. He suddenly became tired of the taste of vodka, so he stopped and set the bottle against a tree. A prowling jag stalked toward him, antlers leveled at him.
Jens put up his finger nonchalantly. “Hold, please.”
The jag tilted its head, confused. Jens pulled a mini-bottle of Jack from his suit’s pocket and twisted the cap off one-handed. He held the whiskey up to the jag. “To my dear jaguar, my Bambi-assed friend. May your death be messy, and your afterlife in alien hell be just like Mom’s home cooking. A little raw, a little rough, but comforting nonetheless.”
The jag leaped, and Jens chuckled. The drunk man stood there like he had a death wish, then raised his fist. Ainsley cursed. Wizard and Mary held one another, sure that this time Jens had gone too far; that he had taken one drink too many. Jens’ fist caught the jag in the jaw. It fell to the ground and shook its head, stunned by the blow. Jens bounced on his heels, punching the air. “Come on, pussy, you wanna go? You remind me of this dude I fought in Germany. Huge cunt, fucking hairy, smelled like total shit and didn’t have the fight to back up his mouth. What do you got?”
Wizard lightly slapped Ainsley’s arm several times. “This is better than fucking anime. He is fist-fighting a motherfucking alien right now.”
As he fought, one of the last two jags crept up on his flank. Jens roundhouse-kicked the first jag, sending it sliding across the dirt. He pulled his knife and threw it hard to his right, striking the second in the throat. The jag roared, then squealed, then went down. Jens clicked his tongue, putting his hands on his waist. “I told you not to fuck with me, little kitty-cat. Now look what you did.”
As the last jag slowly got back to its feet, Jens pulled another mini-bottle from his suit. He read the label and grimaced. “Aw, man, they fucking gave me 99 Bananas. This shit tastes like monkey asshole. Real funny, guys. Real funny.”
Ainsley laughed as Jens downed the liquor and groaned, then tossed the empty bottle at the furious jag as the thing pounced. It slammed into Jens and took him to the ground. Jens laughed as he rolled around with the beast, carefully avoiding its snapping jaws. His hands found its antlers, and he grunted and flipped the creature over, slamming it into the leaves. He got up, still holding it by the horns. Jens brought his armored knee up hard and sharp, striking the beast in the face. Blue-green blood oozed from its face, and it sank to the ground.
Jens dusted his hands and casually walked back to the bottle of vodka. He considered it for a moment, then swallowed what was left. He turned to the prone jag. “You know what’s unbelievable about all this?”
Mary scoffed. “Your liver will go out in the most heroic fashion ever seen by modern medicine? They will build a fucking monument to it.”
Jens pointed at Mary. “That is awesome, but that’s not what I’m talking about. What’s awesome is that if you chase 99 Bananas with vodka, it kind of tastes like a banana crème pie with a hint of vomit. Just a quick vomit finish. It’s very nice. I suggest it.”
The jag finally made it back to its feet, swaying uncertainly. Jens sighed, grasped the vodka bottle by the neck, and smashed it into the tree. He held on to the jagged remains as he ran to the jag, dodging a clumsy swipe of its claws, and sank the bottle’s jagged edge into the side of its neck. He held the bottle there until the thing shuddered and died.
He burped softly. “I’m starving. Let’s go get some cheese fries.”
Chapter Six
Jens pushed on the door to the dusty German bar and swaggered in. He was dressed in a tuxedo. His bow tie was perfectly tied, his shoes shone, and his hair was perfect. He hand was tucked into one pocket and he grinned, posing for a moment. Wizard, Ainsley, Mary, and Horace were at the bar waiting to take their shots. Mary was wearing a floor-length sequined red dress. She whistled when she saw him.
“Who would have known a slug like you would clean up so nicely?”
Horace turned. He was wearing black pants and a blue bow tie. His white shirt was straining over his muscles. One false move and it would tear right across the back. “He looks like James Bond.”
Wizard slapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t tell him that. He already has a healthy ego
.”
Jens chuckled, swaggering to them. He scanned Wizard from head to toe. He was also wearing a tux, but in true Wizard fashion, he was wearing one with the Batman symbol all over it. He had combed his hair down and braided his beard.
He dusted the sand off Wizard’s shoulder. “You are a lady-killer, my man.”
Wizard chuckled, looking down at his Chuck Taylors. “Right. More like a nerd trying to make it through a boring-ass party.”
Ainsley was smartly dressed but not flashy. “Yeah, remind me why you roped us into this thing again?”
Jens plucked his shot glass from the bar. “We impressed someone in the big leagues. I think it has more to do with my name and the fact I am a veteran than anything else. In any case, we eat and drink for free tonight, my friends, so let’s get this shit started right.”
Mary shrugged and raised her drink. “To Jens’ superpowers and free fucking booze.”
Everyone on the team cheered and took their shots. Jens threw a hundred on the bar, and they headed out to where a brand-new freshly-washed Hummer waited. A driver opened the door for them as they approached. They all piled in and the Hummer headed past the run-down downtown to the nicer part of town, if there was such a thing. That was where the corporate and military bigwigs lived. It was like driving directly into some fine suburb, only there was sand all over everything instead of grass and fake plants.
They arrived at the nicest house in town, which belonged to the commander of the German forces stationed at the Zoo. Tall pillars loomed in front of the door, and bright lights sparkled inside. The melodic tones of a classical orchestra echoed from the back of the house. The team walked up the paved walkway to the door and looked at each other.