by Michael Todd
Wizard sneered. “While we shove our shit in footlockers, this guy lives like a Kardashian.”
Jens laughed. “Tonight Mr. Kardashian is buying our drinks and feeding us imported food. Let’s be nice.”
Wizard groaned. “Probably gonna give me typhoid fever or something.”
The door opened before Jens could knock and a butler sized them up in one glance. “You must be Mr. Schulze and team.”
Jens cleared his throat. “Yes, that is I. I am me. Yeah, that’s us.”
Mary giggled. “Smooth, man. Really smooth.”
The butler ignored their laughter and beckoned them in. “Follow me.”
He led the group through a grand entryway and a well-appointed living area and out onto a long patio that seemed to stretch all the way to the back of the property. An ornate fountain bubbled in the center. The butler bowed slightly with his hands behind his back. “Enjoy.” He left them.
Mary scanned a table stacked high with food. “Would it be inappropriate to take off my earrings and have Wizard hold my shit while I went over there?”
Ainsley chuckled. “Just a little.”
“Fine. Come on, Horace. Let’s eat.”
“You don’t have to ask me twice.”
Mary and Horace headed toward the food, with Wizard shyly walking behind them. Jens looked at Ainsley. “How about a cocktail?”
Ainsley inclined his head. “Lead the way, sir.”
The men walked up to the bar, and Jens mulled over the selection. “I’ll take a scotch on the rocks.”
“Make it two.”
The bartender turned to pour their drinks. Ainsley and Jens leaned their backs against the bar and looked at the crowd. There were hundreds of people there. Some of them lived in town, some were military, and others had flown in just for the party. Jens wasn’t sure exactly what the occasion was, but it was something.
Ainsley shook his head. “Even in the real world, I stayed as far away from this shit as possible.”
Jens sighed. “Me too, but man, I could get used to this.”
“Keep dreaming, my man. You are a toy to these people. It’s a dog-and-pony show. The brave and hard-core Jens Schulze is here for everyone’s amusement. Trust me, it will wear off.”
Jens took the drinks from the bartender and handed one to Ainsley. “Until it does, then.”
They clinked glasses, and Jens took a sip of his scotch. He peered over the top of his glass as a shimmering reflection hit his eyes. Across the patio was a tall, thin blonde woman. Her silver spaghetti-strap gown hugged her perfect curves and reflected light like it was made of stars. Her lips were curled into a voluptuous smile as she spoke with several well-dressed men.
Jens slowly put his glass down and turned to the bartender. “One glass of champagne, please.”
Ainsley raised an eyebrow. “Double-fisting?”
Jens winked at him. “No, my man, I am going to start the night out right. This one is for the silver-sequined blonde with the perfect tits.”
Ainsley scanned the crowd. It didn’t take long to spot her. She was way out of his league. Out of Jens’ league, too. He started to say something, but Jens was already on his way.
Jens smiled as he pushed through the crowd of people, holding the champagne over his head to avoid spilling it on someone’s expensive gown. As he approached the silvery woman, the group around her broke up. He blocked her path, and she looked at him curiously but smiled when he handed her the glass of champagne. “I saw that you didn’t have a drink.”
“Thank you. I seem to have lost mine somewhere.”
“Look at that.” Jens gave her a brilliant smile. “I guess I saved the day.”
She lifted her glass. “I suppose you did.”
The two clinked glasses and she swallowed. “And what do I call you, or should I stick to, ‘my hero?’”
Jens wiped the condensation from his hand on his jacket and put it out. “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m Jens.”
She daintily shook his hand. “Jens? As in Jens the mercenary? The drunk mercenary who manages to have more success in the Zoo than our best soldiers?”
Jens chuckled. “That’s quite a compliment. I would say I have found my niche.”
“Too bad you didn’t find that niche when you served in our military.” The voice came from a tall man in a military jacket. He stepped up beside Jens and his silver woman.
Jens looked at the man’s insignia and medals. He wasn’t nervous, but he recognized a serious man when he saw one. The tall man was a highly decorated general with a thick mustache and weathered lines around his eyes. There was a wisp of gray in his closely cropped hair. The ghost of a smile touched his lips as he slid one hand around the woman’s waist.
Jens returned the smile. “No. I didn’t find that niche in the military. I don’t think it would have been accepted if I had.”
The woman touched Jens' arm and her eyes sparkled, along with her dress. “Is it true you stabbed a jag in the neck with a broken bottle?”
Jens ran a hand over his hair. “Look at you, listening to the town gossip.”
The general glared at him. “My wife is here socially. She doesn’t spend much time at the Zoo. It’s not really an appropriate place for her. The stories have reached the mainland, it seems. Personally, I find your actions flagrantly arrogant. Do you really think you can successfully execute complex missions under the influence of alcohol? I suppose it’s one thing to go in swinging, looking for your next payday, but in the military, we have bigger concerns. We’re not obsessed with our purses.”
Jens looked around. “I can see that. This party is quite the budget affair. A very humble display of wealth and extravagance.”
His wife stifled laughter and Jens bowed slightly. “I didn’t get your name.”
The general spoke over her. “Clarice. My wife’s name is Clarice. You can take that information back to your humble room at the humble hotel and mull it over.”
Jens chuckled and shook his head. “I don’t understand why you are being so damned rude to me. Oh, sure, you’re covered with medals, and you’ve got some impressive ones, but how many jags or locusts have you killed? Been in the thick recently? For some reason, I have a feeling your trips into the Zoo have been few and far between.”
Clarice smiled sweetly and put her hand up. “Now, boys, no need to get out a measuring tape. This is a party.”
The general narrowed his eyes, ignoring his wife. “I will have you know I led some of the most successful missions into that alien shithole. All my men come out alive and unscathed. And sober.”
Jens smirked at his scotch. As he brought it to his lips, he whispered as if to himself, “And yet you’re still clueless about how to handle the dangers out there. You use your men for your own glory.”
The general gritted his teeth. “There is no glory in war.”
Jens cocked his head to the side. “There is also no shame in recognizing your faults, but you seem to be stuck so far up some fatcat’s asshole you can’t see through the fog of shit and farts.”
The general grabbed Jens by the shoulder. Jens did nothing. He let his eyes drop to the man’s hand and opened his mouth to say something, but Clarice spoke. “Dear.” She laid her hand on her husband’s, looking around with an anxious laugh. “Dear, no need to cause a scene here. Everyone is looking.”
The general looked at him for a moment, then let go, straightening his military dress jacket. “I suppose you’re right. I’m not even sure how he got in here. If this is what these parties are turning into, I might just skip the next one. They’re letting in the trash from town nowadays.”
Jens downed his drink in one go. “General, my mother taught me something when I was a child. It isn’t what’s on the outside that matters, it’s the inside. Your medals and pressed suit mean nothing. The stench of bullshit and cowardice coming from your insides speaks volumes.”
The general lowered his voice and leaned in. “You are nothing but a washed-out drunk. You t
hink it’s fun and games now? Getting wasted and going in full tilt? Mark my words, you will pay the price. Going into the Zoo drunk is stupid, and it puts your entire team at risk. You are selfish and arrogant, and you will die grasping your cheap bottle of vodka and crying for your mother in the thick.”
Jens’ face dropped into a cold scowl. He placed his glass on a passing waiter’s tray and rubbed his hands together. “Those are strong words for a man that has never been in the thick with me. I promise you would be amazed. And at the end of the day, you’d thank me for saving your life. When it comes to life, I’m good at two things: fighting alien assholes, and… Well…”
Jens turned his gaze on Clarice but she looked away, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling. He chuckled and looked back at the general. The man’s lip twitched. “If you think you are so good, then how about a friendly wager? We will go into the Zoo together. Your team. You. And me. You do what you always do, and we’ll see who comes out on top.”
Clarice shook her head. “Dear, that’s ridiculous.”
The general waved his hand to silence her. His voice was sharp. “Woman.”
Jens looked at Clarice for a moment. “Fine, but I pick the stakes.”
“Fine.”
Jens met Clarice’s eyes and held them. She knew what he was going to say, and the corner of her mouth turned up in a smile. “If I win, I get to spend one night with your lovely wife. I pick the hotel. I’ll show her how a woman like her should be treated.”
The general clenched his fists. “And if I win, you leave the game. That is, if you make it out of there alive.”
Jens clapped and reached out to shake the general’s hand. “General, we have just struck a deal. That is, if the lady is okay with it?”
She shrugged and turned away. The general leaned in. “Tomorrow morning, Staging Area Two. Bring your gear and weapons. I’ll make sure the military doesn’t know a thing. No tricks, just my expert skills against your frat boy tactics.”
“I look forward to it. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a frat party to get to.”
Jens walked back to the bar, where the rest of his team was gathered. They were standing with plates of food and watching everything from afar. Mary swallowed a bit of cheese and looked at Jens. “What the hell was that? I saw a handshake and a very angry general.”
He chuckled and took the plates and glasses from his team, putting them on the bar. “Party’s over, folks. We are going out on a mission tomorrow.”
Ainsley groaned. “And the target?”
“No target. It’s us against him. He thinks he knows his shit better than I do. I’m going to show him what Jens on vodka looks like.”
Horace gave him a wary look. “And you get…what?”
Jens shrugged innocently. “Not for your ears, my friend. Let’s just say a night in paradise. Come on, this party is worse than I thought it would be. We got some preparations to make.”
Wizard threw his arms in the air. “To the bar!”
Chapter Seven
Jens took a deep breath as he put his boot down in the sand at the Staging Area. He squinted into the sun. He hadn’t slept. The team had stayed at the bar all night. They had stopped drinking after the party, but Jens kept going. The team had cheered him on but also helped him pace himself to make it to morning. He felt really good, but he wasn’t about to show that to the general.
Jens put on his sunglasses and turned at the sounds of shuffling and low voices. The general was standing with his gear at his feet. There was a military nobody running around him, helping him get into his suit. It was the latest technology, and it looked like it had never seen the inside of the Zoo. On his chest was the symbol for the German army, and the insignia was also painted on his HUD.
Jens moseyed over to the general while his team was suiting up. He faked a slight wobble as he approached. “Morning, General. You ready for some fun?”
The general looked like he had just smelled something foul. “I see you are good and drunk. Take it a little too far at the bar last night? You can call the whole thing off and head out of town. I won’t mind at all. You’re keeping me from a friendly game of poker with the other officers.”
Jens belched louder than he needed to. “Dream on, Herr General. I am going to wipe the floor with you. Whoever kills the most animals wins. Period. If we don’t get attacked, which is unlikely, we’ll pull a Pita. That should be a hell of a good time.”
The general swallowed hard. “I think that’s going a little overboard.”
“It’s your call. You can always forfeit. I hear the hotels on your side of town have Jacuzzis.” He walked back to his team, walking in a zigzag to psyche the general out. “Does Clarice like Jacuzzis?”
The general growled. “Fine. If we don’t find a fight by midday, we pull a Pita, but it’s your ass. Now get your damn suit on and let’s do this.”
Ainsley handed Jens his pack. Jens pulled it up on his shoulders, and the bottles clinking inside made him chuckle. “I’m not going to wear a suit.”
The general paused, his face going blank. His eyes darted to the rest of his team as they pulled on their HUDS. “Going in there without armor is suicide.”
Jens adjusted his pack absentmindedly “You still don’t get it. I am ready and capable. Are you?” He turned toward the Zoo.
The team followed him with amused faces. Horace stopped beside the general. He didn’t look at the man. “You’re a fool, General. With all due respect.”
The general glanced at Horace but didn’t respond. He fell in line with the group. They headed through the veil and into the Zoo, and Jens took the lead, with Ainsley close behind. He meandered through the jungle like he was taking a stroll through the park. Mary kept giggling, and Wizard laughed when Jens jumped up and plucked a leaf from one of the trees.
He looked back at the general. Cupping his mouth, he shouted, “Any specific place you want to go?”
The general flinched. “Keep your voice down. I said I’d fight animals, not the entirety of the Zoo. And no. Go wherever your scotch leads you.”
“Oh, General, you crack me up. Scotch is for special occasions. I filled myself with vodka and Red Bull. Apparently, it gives you wings. I don’t feel it, though.”
The general rolled his eyes. He followed the seemingly random path Jens forged through the thick. At the head of the line, Jens carefully adjusted the earpiece hidden in his ear.
Ainsley chuckled over the private comm. “Go two hundred feet and take a wobbly right. This guy is going to piss himself.”
Jens dropped his hand and flashed a secret OK sign at his side. He walked forward two hundred feet and pretended to trip into a clearing. The team spread out around him. The general walked through, swinging his rifle around. “We’re only about a half a mile inside. What are you doing?”
Jens stood in the middle of the clearing and put out his arms, spinning in circles as he looked at the canopy. “This is as good a spot as any. Sit here for a while, and I bet we see some action.”
The general growled. “I should have had you thrown out of the party. This is a waste of my time.”
Jens stopped and plopped down cross-legged in the center of the clearing. “Don’t want to wait? Well, okay. I mean, I suppose we can fix that. Hey guys, the general is in a hurry. You got any ideas?”
Mary dug in her bag. “I have this bottle of pheromones I nabbed from the hospital lab. One spritz and we should have a decent-sized locust swarm.”
Jens nodded. “I like it. What do you think, General?”
The general moved toward Mary, waving his hands in alarm. “Are you crazy? You’ll bring the whole place down on our heads.”
Mary lurched and pressed the spritzer. “Oops. Well, don’t worry. It’s been tested, and they found that different Zoo animals react to different concentrations. I would say that’s enough for a locust, maybe a jag, but I doubt it.”
The general gripped his gun tightly and studied the sky. “You assholes a
re nuts. It’s like you have a death wish or something. Jens, don’t just fucking sit there, ready yourself.”
Jens pulled a mini-bottle of grape vodka from his pocket. “You’re right, this is no time to relax.”
He popped the top off and chugged it, then tossed the bottle on the ground. The sounds in the quiet jungle built to a hum, then a raucous buzzing as a swarm of alien locusts came toward them. Jens slowly stretched his arms, then touched his toes. The general backed up and took a knee, holding his gun at the ready. The rest of the team prepared, but not frantically. They knew this was between the two men. They would do what they had to do to survive and leave the rest to them.
Above, the sky began to darken as the swarm moved in overhead. One of the locusts dropped from the swarm and headed straight toward Jens. The general pulled up his gun, then called to Jens, “It’s coming for you, asshole. Get up.”
Jens yawned. Just as the locust’s mandibles came within reach, his arm shot out and grabbed a stick-like leg. Jens tossed the bug to the ground. He held its legs with one hand while retrieving his pistol with the other. He shoved the barrel between its kaleidoscope eyes and put two bullets in its head. “One to zero.”
Jens waived his gun in the air and pulled the trigger again, shooting down a locust that had been diving for Mary. “I got you, girl. Take a break.”
Mary smirked, but the general growled. He raised his rifle and fired a burst into the group of locusts heading their way. Two fell, evening the score, but Jens was just getting started. He pulled a long sword from a sheath under his pack and gripped it with both hands. When four locusts flew close, he spun in a circle, slicing all four bodies in half. They hit the jungle floor and bounced over to the general’s feet.
His eyes flashed angrily, and he began firing wildly into the swarm. Fat, mutant locusts fell right and left. Mary put her arm on Ainsley’s shoulder. “You think the general realizes Jens is killing two for every one he takes?”
Ainsley shrugged. “Nah, but we’ll just let that be our secret. I like it when the final numbers are revealed. The anticipation, you know?”