River's Destiny (River's End Series, #8)

by Leanne Davis

  “You were doubting everything about us and the future.”

  “I never once doubted my love or commitment to you. Not once. Ask Ben. Ask my dad. Ask your dad. Ask anyone. I never hinted that I was stuck with you. I was stuck with a baby. There is a huge difference there. I tried to be honest. I said whatever I felt. I was angry and working through it. I didn’t want to have a baby right now. You went ahead and made that decision for us knowing that. So, you can’t be angry at me right now for how I felt. But don’t you dare rewrite history as if I’m forcing myself to be with you, not now or before.” He scooted forward and took her face in his hands, holding it up so she had to look right at him. “You told me you loved me for close to four years now.”

  “Yes. I have.”

  “Do you think we just became a habit? And started taking each other for granted?”

  “I think you did. You left me here after starting a serious relationship with me that you said you wanted. But you went to school and lived as if you didn’t have any relationship.”

  “You think it was always about me?”

  “Of course it was, yes. You wanted me to be stronger. Surer. Better. I wasn’t like that before, but I’ve learned to be that way and I always tried to be that way for you, Charlie. I’ve tried my best to please you. But you didn’t try to spend more time here. Maybe a little less time away from your wonderful college life would have proven to me that you wanted me. I didn’t ask you to become a part of your life, you asked me. Then you grew annoyed at me for honestly stating what I needed and wanted because my needs didn’t match your needs for college.”

  “So you’re saying all this started because I neglected you?”

  “You could’ve made some compromises,” she snapped.

  Sharply drawing in a breath, Charlie replied, “I did. I guess, I’m seeing that now. It’s gradually becoming more evident to me that I failed to see things from your point of view. But I never meant to hurt you.”

  She sighed, her gaze skittering off. “I know. That’s why I couldn’t confront you.”

  “You don’t willingly confront anything. I didn’t know you felt this way.”

  She chewed on her lower lip. “No, I don’t suppose you did know that.”

  “We have to do better, Cami. We have to talk more and be more open and honest. You can’t do things like lying about using birth control just because you want me to cut back on my schooling. That’s not a fair fight.”

  “No. But I didn’t know any other way to solve my problem.”

  He scratched his head. “What… what are you saying? This isn’t what I expected from you today.”

  “I don’t know.” She withdrew her hands from his.

  “Try to explain yourself. I think you do know, Cami. You just play like you don’t. You are good at not saying what you really think and feel, but I know you know exactly how you feel.”

  “Okay. I wanted the baby. I live in fear that what Parker did to me permanently injured something inside me and now this happened. I’ve had a miscarriage. How can I find out if that’s really the case? What if my uterus is scarred or ruptured and I might never carry a baby to term?”

  He nodded. “I didn’t know you worried about things like that.”

  “Yes. And now? I’m terrified I’ll never be able to have a baby.”

  He took in a shuddered breath. “Oh, Cams…”

  She lifted her face to his. “I know that’s a stretch to you. But—”

  “No, no.” He leaned forward and pulled her to him. “I love you. We’ll have a baby someday. And we’ll do whatever we need to in order to make it happen.”

  “We?”

  “It was always we in my mind, just not now. I don’t know why that concept is so hard for you to understand. I still think that.”

  “I know. I just… I got so lonely sometimes being left here and I wanted that baby so much. Now. Whether it’s right or not, I want what I never had. You think you know, Charlie, but you don’t know how badly I’d like to create the family I never had. I became so distrustful, I couldn’t trust the family who took me in. I just wanted to belong.”

  He sighed. “You do belong. With me and Kate and AJ and my dad and Erin and Ben and Jocelyn. You belong to everyone here.”

  She nodded, her head tipping down. “I know that intellectually, Charlie. But inside, my heart doesn’t believe it. Not on a cellular level. I always worry that it’s going to vanish someday. I’m always afraid it’s going to disappear. That can’t come as a shock to you.”

  “No. It’s not.”

  “So, you probably paid the price for my insecurity. Luckily, karma had its own plans and it put me back in my usual place.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  “I’m not sure what I believe about anything. I just know what I did wasn’t right, so it’s hard for everyone to admit how they feel now and I’m the one who created that uncomfortable dynamic.” She closed her eyes, a sudden weariness overcoming her. “I’m just tired. Do you mind if I go back to my room for a while?”

  “Do want me to come with you?”

  “No. I just want to sleep for a while.”

  He let her go there alone. She lay on her bed and held the pillow against her. The weight of it all sat heavily on her chest. Damn, she just hurt so much.

  But for the first time, there was nothing anyone could do to reassure her that she was fine inside. What made her so sad, made Charlie glad. There was no getting around that and therefore, Charlie was the last person who could help her.

  Chapter Twelve

  THE FEW MONTHS FROM then to April were very quiet. Charlie went home for spring break and Cami was reserved and a little down. She lost a lot of weight and Charlie didn’t like that. She blamed it on her grief and said she still didn’t feel like eating. But she was surviving all the same.

  Charlie, however, felt guilty.

  At first, it was kind of nice to go back home. But Cami was so quiet. She didn’t want to do much. Ridiculously skinny, he constantly urged her to eat. She did however drink quite a bit of alcohol and worse still, often smoked weed. He hated the smell of it on her, but he liked the way it mellowed her out. It seemed to help her forget her sadness and relaxed her strung-out nerves temporarily. Charlie felt a little guilty for preferring that Cami get high instead of grieving and sucking him dry emotionally.

  When he returned to school, he was ashamed to feel so relieved to be back there, but he could not deny his gratitude for a little bit of freedom. He tried to talk to her over the phone, but it was stilted and awkward, and each time he hung up he felt a little bit more relieved each time. What was so wrong with them? Why could they not find their connection? The vibrant connection that had always bonded them, even as just friends, was gone.

  But now it was formal, polite, uninspired, and worse still, boring. They were so boring in their conversations and discussions, even he almost fell asleep listening to them, because there was nothing about their interactions that was personal, emotional, or interesting. Biding their time together, that’s what each and every interaction felt like.

  The question he was too scared to pose was: what were they biding their time towards?

  ****

  What didn’t change, however, was that the deadline to withdraw from his master’s program was fast approaching. He wanted to go, of course. Desperately. But they hadn’t touched on the subject since the miscarriage and he didn’t know what she expected from him. Did she want him to willingly give it up? Did she expect him to? Was it some kind of test for her to gauge his loyalty to her?

  Though they rarely touched on any subject of importance in the last three months, he had no choice but to broach the subject. He couldn’t keep tying up a scholarship if he wasn’t going to take it. It wasn’t fair to other applicants who could still be selected to go. However, the thought of letting it go rekindled the anger in his core.

  No. He simply couldn’t give it up.

  But could he give up Cami? If
she gave him the ultimatum of her or Germany? What would he do? He wasn’t sure of the answer to that, and for the first time in four years, that scared him.

  Finally, he had to bring it up. “What are your thoughts on Germany?”

  She made an odd sound. “I never had any until you decided to go live there. Then I hated it.”

  “And now?”

  “Now? I have no idea. You haven’t mentioned it in months.”

  “I didn’t know if I should or not. I’m trying to determine if it’s worth our relationship?”

  She snorted. “Is that what you think? Is that why you haven’t mentioned it?”

  “I hesitate to mention it, let alone go there, if I risk losing you.”

  “And you don’t want that?”

  He grunted. “Not even a smidgeon.” Though… was he lying?

  “Did you withdraw from it when I was still pregnant? When you believed you were forced to give it up?” she questioned.

  He didn’t “believe” he was forced to give it up. He was forced to give it up. By Cami. But he bit on his tongue to keep the sharp, sarcastic criticism to himself.

  “No, I didn’t,” he admitted reluctantly.

  “See? That’s because you want to go.”

  “It’s more than just wanting to go. It’s hard to decline such an honor and a fantastic opportunity. But if it means I lose you, then… yeah, I won’t go.”

  “You’d do that? Give this up?”

  “If it meant the end of us? Yes.” But… did he really mean that? Would he? He wasn’t sure he could commit to that. He just hoped she wouldn’t require it of him like some kind of litmus test of how he felt about her.

  She was quiet before she sighed again. “But it’s not what you should do. You should realize your potential. And the chance no one else I know could ever have. So you have to do it. It’s your reality. Your reality and mine. I will grow up and deal with it. I’ll find a better way to deal with it than what I did before.”

  Hard as it was for Charlie to admit out loud to, he said, “I hope so.”

  “I guess it’s fair to say something interceded here, so I might as well take it as a divine sign that I should change some things. I can’t be how I’ve been in the past. I have to improve. I am trying, Charlie. I really am. I’ve just been… so stalled. So unable to move forward. I agree not to have babies any time soon. And that’s how it needs to be. I don’t want us to end up hating each other.”

  “We never hated each other.”

  “No. But the resentment is something we almost haven’t survived.”

  “Yes. And it’s been on both sides. Don’t forget that.”

  “It has,” she agreed. “You have to go to Germany next fall and we’ll have to figure out a way to stay together.”

  He fell silent. Then he said, “Thank you, Cami, for supporting me in my goal and realizing that.”

  “I finally do realize it.”

  They hung up and it was fine. The aching resentment of a few months ago was gone, but not the warmth and care and connection of a year ago.

  So what was left? He wasn’t sure he knew the right words for it. Hollowness? Emptiness? Going through the motions? A habit they didn’t know how to break? His stomach twisted at the bitter thought they might have lost what they had spent so long trying tonurture.

  All to fizzle out in the end when neither of them cared enough to even try to deny the obvious?

  ****

  Charlie graduated with his class the second week of June. Cami attended the graduation along with Charlie’s parents, his brother, his sister-in-law, and his niece. It was a lovely weekend of celebration and joy. Everyone clapped and cheered when Charlie walked across the stage to receive his diploma and shake hands with the top representatives of the school. Cami’s heart rose and swelled with pride and she tried not to think about her lingering sadness and resentment at Stanford for taking Charlie away from her. Bursting with pride and amazement, she stared at the man Charlie had become during the last four years. He achieved all the goals he set for himself with near perfection.

  Jack clapped and watched the ceremony with tears shining in his eyes. Cami began to understand how important it was to Jack, who was so overwhelmed that he wasn’t sure he could contain all of his pride and joy at his son’s foremost accomplishment.

  The only hiccup in Charlie’s otherwise sterling pedigree and promising future was Cami.

  She truly believed her analysis. She was the only thing about Charlie that didn’t fit him.

  But Charlie held her in his arms when he wove his way through the crowd of graduates. He grabbed her and swished her all around with unmasked joy. He kissed her, and his face shone brightly while his family and Stanford friends looked on. It was hard to ignore Charlie.

  It was also the first time in a very long time that they kissed or even hugged each other and maybe the first genuine smiles they had shared with each other in months. But his joy and exuberance over accomplishing his childhood goal made him forget the discomfort that now defined how they interacted.

  He was high on life, even her presence, in those moments.

  That weekend was a good one and Cami stayed there with him. They went to a few end-of-the-year parties and spent a lot of time with his family. Cami went home with Charlie’s family. They left Charlie so he could spend a few weeks with his friends and close out his life in California, as well. Cami tried not to dwell on the fact that his post-college celebration trip was spent with Dawson, Tyrell, and Rupport going down to Mexico for a week. Her only consolation was that Rosalie didn’t go with Dawson, either. But still, it felt odd that after all these years of her waiting and supporting his college career, he chose to celebrate its ending with his friends.

  They shared no more than that one kiss at his graduation. Other than that? She could have been his sister or friend for how they interacted. The fear that lingered in her after his graduation started to rise up from her gut up into her heart.

  What was left of them?

  In preparation for something she was sure was coming, Cami went home to try and make some sense of her life.

  Before Charlie came home and ended their lives together.

  The gnawing emptiness in her stomach told her he was about to come home and do just that.

  ****

  Jacob showed up at the ranch. He was spending his summer with his mom, as usual.

  Cami grinned and ran to greet him upon her arrival. He swept her up in a huge hug. “Just returning from Charlie’s graduation from Stanford? That guy… he’s pretty amazing.”

  “He was and still is.” Cami stepped back and let Jacob go.

  “Well, my mom told me about the miscarriage. I was going to call you, but I couldn’t think of what to say. I’m really sorry though, Cams.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “What about Charlie?”

  Cami shook her head to the negative, cringing. “You don’t hem or haw about discussing sensitive subjects, do you? Charlie is very sorry for me, but relieved for himself. It’s been… hard. And it gets pretty complicated.”

  “Well, can you blame the guy?” Jacob’s eyebrows shot upwards. She gaped at him in astonishment, thinking he’d be on her side considering how close they were last summer.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You did get yourself knocked up without his consent.”

  She winced. “That sounds even worse when you say it like that. Comparable to sex without consent.”

  “Not quite that bad, but you did do something without asking his permission ahead of time. So… yeah, think about that. You should be sorry. And pretty grateful he didn’t just dump your ass. I would have.”

  “So, you’re saying I deserved the miscarriage?”

  He shrugged. “Nobody deserves that, it just is. A sad fact of nature. Ten to twenty percent of pregnancies end that way.”

  “How the fuck do you know that?”

  He shrugged. “I looked it up online when I heard abou
t you.”

  “Why would you do that?” Her face scrunched up.

  “You’re my friend. I wanted to see what you were going through. You know how much I care about you.”

  “But you think I fucked over Charlie?”

  “Well, he’s my friend too. I can see both sides.”

  She dropped her head. “I know. I can see Charlie’s side too. That’s what makes it so hard. We can’t go back to where we were before. I don’t know how else to describe it.”

  “When you’re old enough, you can do it right. With Charlie. And it’ll be better because you’ll have his consent and it will be a choice you both make. I think that’ll happen, Cams.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Pretty scary when you start giving me such sound and decent advice on life.”

  “Well, it was pretty crazy you did that to him.”

  She smiled softly. “I didn’t expect such sage advice from you.”

  “I’m a jerk, but I’m not stupid. I might not follow my good advice, but I know how to give it.”

  She shook her head. “I have to get my own shit together now. Do you think your dad and Trinity would let me stay with you guys this fall?”

  “This fall? Why?”

  “Charlie leaves for Germany then, and I shouldn’t just hang out here, waiting like I have been for the last four years. I need to do something new and different so I don’t regress into my past patterns for coping. I have to get out of here. Like everyone else keeps telling me.”

  “I think you should too. And sure you can,” Jacob replied without hesitation. “Of course. But why? What’s in Everett?”

  “My plans.”