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Sprout Mask Replica (Completely Barking Mad Trilogy Book 1)

Page 25

by Robert Rankin


  Up and up it went into the star-strung sky until with a sudden mind-jarring acceleration and a trailing stream of bright green sparks it was gone into the heavens.

  Sir John Rimmer raised his head from behind a garden wall and stared up at the night sky. All silent now. Just white dots on a black background. And as Sir John looked he fancied that he could see numbers upon those dots, as if one could join them up and spell out a message. And as he traced dot to dot with a finger not unlike a haricot bean, he also fancied that there was a message there.

  And the message was.

  WE’LL BE BACK.

  THE CURES (Dedicated to Spike Milligan)

  The scales of the fish

  Help to ward off the plague

  When worn in a sack round the neck

  The wings of the gull

  Stop pains in the skull

  And convulsions that leave you a wreck

  The froth from your beer

  Is good for diarrhoea

  And sand is the thing for the pox

  A helping of stew

  When poured in your shoe

  Fills up the holes in your socks

  Frogs, say the sage,

  Will starve off old age

  Jelly’s the thing for the gout

  A spoonful of soot

  Stops athlete’s foot

  And soon has you up and about

  Eight pints of oil

  Soothe the spot and the boil

  Some speak of cider and cheese

  But the stuff for the flu

  Is a tube-full of glue

  And cabbages strapped to the knees

  Or so my gran says.

  But what about my ringworm then, Gran?

  26

  THE END

  AND SO IT ENDS AS IT BEGAN, WITH A SIMPLE POEM.

  And as I sit here all alone in Hotel Jericho, drawing the final line beneath the final paragraph on the final page of my final red exercise book, I feel a sense of satisfaction, if not a little of finality.

  For sure I never changed the world for the better, but who really could? As Colon might have said, life is not about what happens to you, it’s about how you deal with it.

  I rarely venture far from the hotel and when I do it is only at night. I have to be conscious of my every movement. I became too adept at causing change to occur during my stay in America. Now I have to take great care over everything I do. From the way I clip my toenails to the side I part my hair.

  A millimetre too short on the right big toe and Germany might win the cup again. Too many hairs to the left-hand side and flares will be back in fashion. I abused my gift and so must pay the price of solitude.

  I have some pleasures left. Small pleasures, trivial things. I watch a lot of television. I like to see all the politicians compensating away, never causing anything to happen, just balancing what does with a hand-tuck into a tailored-suit or an adjustment of the spectacles.

  I have few callers now. The occasional Jehovah’s Witness, a lady with a straw hat who sharpens my biros. But I am contented.

  Given my time over again, I might have done things differently.

  I don’t think I’d have walked out into the path of that dry-cleaning truck for a start and I really would have dedicated my time to having a lot more sex.

  But what is done cannot be changed. Except of course, for plumbing.

  ‘Is that it, chief?’

  ‘I think so, Barry, I can’t think of anything else to write.’

  ‘Not too morbid this last bit, not a feel-bad ending?’

  ‘I don’t think so. Just a bit of repentance and introspection to show that I’m really a caring sort of fellow.’

  ‘That’s nice, chief. So what shall we do now?’

  I rose from my desk, went over to the window and drew aside the greasy curtain. Sunlight fell upon my ghostly features.

  Golden sunlight falling from a sky of the deepest blue.

  ‘Stuff it in here,’ I said. ‘Let’s hit the beach.’

  THE END

  Also by

  ROBERT RANKIN

  The Antipope

  The Brentford Triangle

  East of Ealing

  The Sprouts of Wrath

  Armageddon: The Musical

  They Came and Ate Us

  The Suburban Book of the Dead

  The Book of Ultimate Truths

  Raiders of the Lost Car Park

  The Greatest Show Off Earth

  The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived

  The Garden of Unearthly Delights

  A Dog Called Demolition

  Nostradamus Ate My Hamster

  Sprout Mask Replica

  The Brentford Chainstore Massacre

  The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag

  Apocalypso

  Snuff Fiction

  Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls

  Waiting for Godalming

  Web Site Story

  The Fandom of the Operator

  The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse

  The Witches of Chiswick

  Knees Up Mother Earth

  The Brightonomicon

  The Toyminator

  The Da-da-de-da-da Code

  Necrophenia

  Retromancer

  The Japanese Devil Fish Girl and Other Unnatural Attractions

  The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age

  The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds

  Illustrated works:

  The Bumper Book of Ficts written by Neil Gardner

  EMPIRES

  E-book edition cover illustration by Robert Rankin

  Additional editing and art direction, well-turned ankles and a wicked sense of humour, Rachel Hayward

  Table of Contents

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