Fabrice Muamba: I'm Still Standing

by Fabrice Muamba

  Some other footballers were staying there. So I walked around to where the game was and Jordan Henderson, Kieran Richardson and Danny Graham were all playing a game against the hotel staff. I saw those guys and just knew I had to get involved. It just seemed the right thing to do. I didn’t think it would kill me, I just wanted to feel a ball at my feet again.

  What can I say? It was amazing. I walked on to the grass pitch barefooted – back to where I began – and I asked if I could play. All of a sudden the teams changed around a bit and I was on the same side as Jordan, Kieran and Danny. “Just take it easy,” Jordan said. “If you want to play then great but if you need to relax or take it easy then do it. No pressure here mate, just enjoy it.”

  We were all laughing and smiling and just having a great time. The sun was shining, my family were ok and I was about to have a kickabout. Perfect.

  Touching the ball again was incredible. I tackled one of their players and laid the ball off to Kieran. I couldn’t stop grinning and laughing. It was a simple tackle but it was one of the best I ever made. ‘Wow I’ve missed this,’ I thought to myself. I was full of the feelgood factor.

  I played for about 20 minutes and built up a real sweat. It just felt so good because I missed playing, I missed the adrenaline, the excitement, everything. Danny scored a tap-in as we won 1-0. I just kept it simple and played at the back. All the guests were taking pictures and I wasn’t that bothered about it getting out that I’d been playing. It didn’t matter who found out. I only played for a short time so it wasn’t going to harm anyone, especially not me. I never worried – I’d already beaten my biggest fears so I just got on with it.

  Joshua was loving it from the sidelines and kept shouting out but he wasn’t as excited as I was that day. The guys were great with me and were constantly monitoring me and telling me to take it easy and do things at my own pace. I was grateful that they cared and showed it. I was more interested in forgetting everything that had happened and just getting on with passing and moving and winning.

  Even though the time flew by, I paid the price the next morning. “Shauna,” I said. “I can’t move, I can’t get out of bed.”

  Wow, the muscles in my back and legs were so sore and stiff. It was probably a sign that my body was still recovering. I chilled out in the pool that day – there was going to be no repeat performance, that’s for sure.

  #19

  No Limits

  ALL the experiences I have had since my collapse have made me really happy but, of course, I still know what is the most important thing in life. Just after I left hospital, there was one person I still needed to see. This would turn out to be the best visit of all. Mum. She flew over from Congo for a visit. I knew she was coming and paced the house, desperate to see her. I was looking through the windows at the street when I saw the car she was in arrive. I ran outside as she got out and we hugged.

  “Fabrice, Fabrice,” she said over and over again, patting my cheeks and touching my hair, thinking I’m five years old again.

  “My son, I love you so much. My son, my son,” she kept repeating, hardly believing I was alive. She wasn’t the only one.

  I had seen her in Dubai 18 months beforehand but everything that had happened meant we were closer than ever. She had almost lost her only son. Again. You can work out exactly how happy she was to see me looking fit and well.

  It seemed so long since I had looked back at her in the airport in floods of tears waving me goodbye. So much had happened. So much drama. It wouldn’t be long before I would return to the exact same spot where I left my old life behind all those years ago. It was time to return to Africa.

  I didn’t tell the whole world I was going. I wanted to keep it nice and relaxed without too much hassle. I flew from Manchester to Paris then Paris to Kinshasa and I couldn’t help thinking about the journey I made in the opposite direction when I was just a boy. I was nervous but also excited at the same time. England is my home but the thought of returning to Africa excited me. I left Congo as a boy and was going back as a man.

  The plane cruised towards the airport terminal and I looked through the windows, trying to see what I could remember and what was different. Everything had changed! Construction sites everywhere. I recognised the place where I said goodbye to mum, I could never forget where that was, and everything came flooding back. The fear we lived in, the uncertain times, dad having to leave, me following years later – everything. It felt so strange but also exciting to be back.

  Congo is an amazing country and its potential is unbelievable but only if the country pulls together. The people are so strong, determined and hard working. It is so rich in natural resources that it should be in the top one or two African countries but instead it is near the bottom. Somewhere down the line, something is going wrong. At least most of the killings have stopped, though it still can be a dangerous place to live.

  I went back for 10 days. Mum picked me up and the first thing we did was travel to Pastor Claude’s house, about 45 minutes from the airport. It was the first time I’d met him face to face. “I’m so glad you came to see me,” he said. “You will see on Thursday what you mean to these people.”

  We spoke a lot and it was so humbling. We then travelled to mum’s house. It is a different house to where I grew up and as we pulled up there were so many people outside.

  “What are they doing here, mum?” I said.

  “They’re here to see you, Fabrice,” she said. Wow. I couldn’t even get out of the car. Aunties, uncles, nephews and nieces. You name it, there were people from all over the place, family and friends. People were crying and cuddling me, it was just so amazing. About 25 of us squeezed into mum’s front room and we prayed before I got hit with a million questions. Mum is very quiet but the rest of my family aren’t and we had an amazing afternoon.

  She also invited some old friends around who hadn’t heard I was back in the country. I hid in another room and when I heard my name being mentioned I walked out and said: “Which Fabrice are you talking about – this Fabrice?” They were all so shocked! It was great.

  Shauna and Joshua also came with me and he loved it. He just played in the sand all day and everyone made a huge fuss of him. He was surrounded by other kids.

  On the Thursday we went to church and again only a few people knew I was going to be there. Pastor Claude did a service and at the end mentioned I was present. “Remember the man we have been praying for,” he said. “Now he is here to visit us. Please welcome Fabrice.”

  Oh my God. The noise was something else. Tears started running down my face and I had to say hello to everyone. It was so moving and so incredible to be there with them. There were so many people there, about 500, and they all wanted a hug. My arms felt like they would fall off in the end!

  When the time came to leave I was sad. Who wouldn’t be after a trip like that? But at least it was under happier circumstances than last time.

  I’ve often tried to get mum to move over to England and be with us but she is more comfortable over there. She is on the go all the time and she feels safe and happy these days, which makes me want to cry with joy and relief. Finally, I can stop worrying.

  So I said my goodbyes and caught a plane from Kinshasa again. This time, though, I wasn’t flying into the unknown, facing an uncertain future and I knew I could see mum anytime I wanted to.

  #####

  People ask me all the time ‘what now?’ or ‘how do you feel?’ and although it is still early days, the only answer I can give is that I feel blessed. I’m too blessed to be stressed.

  Close your eyes and count to five. Go on, do it. One... two... three... four... five...

  How many breaths did you take during that time?

  One? A couple? Maybe three?

  Every single one of them is a victory. Every. Last. One.

  It’s a victory for you, for your family and for your loved ones. Because it means you’re still alive and still able to live a good, interesting, caring life.
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  I thought most of these things anyway as I ran onto that White Hart Lane pitch that night. I wasn’t thinking anything when I was carried off but what happened has just sharpened my belief that every second, every smile you see in the street and every child you see hugging their parent is a complete blessing.

  At the moment I can breathe, I can play with my son and I can kiss Shauna. That means I’m winning and winning comfortably. I’ve come back from the dead – what isn’t possible now? It has changed my life for the better. I’ve always been a family man but my time with Shauna and Joshua and mum and dad is now more precious than ever. I want to be surrounded by friends and family and enjoy what they give me.

  When Joshua arrived he made me realise what matters. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and being there for him was the most important thing I could do.

  Shauna is caring, loving and has the biggest heart. She is my numero uno. You know how President Obama has Michelle as his First Lady? She is my First Lady – you can’t beat that.

  I’m so glad that a month or so before I had my cardiac arrest, I left her in no doubt about how I felt.

  It was Valentine’s Day and I had something special planned. Something I’d wanted to do for a while. I wanted to put a ring on her finger. My good friend Andy Cole recommended a good jeweller and I organised it all.

  We caught the train to London, we stayed at the Sanderson Hotel and I made sure the room had candles and roses and all that romantic stuff.

  At about 7.30pm, after a day walking around London shopping in places like Harrods and Selfridges, we got changed for dinner and the ring was in my top pocket.

  “We’ve been together for a long time,” I said. “And you’ve always been there for me. Will you marry me?”

  “Are you for real?” she said.

  “Definitely,” I said.

  “Well, where is the ring then?” she said.

  I had forgotten to even get the ring out! I was that nervous it had totally slipped my mind! What an idiot.

  We then laughed, I put the ring on and that was it – it’s for life. We kissed, went out for dinner and the next thing I know she’s put it on Twitter – and the world went crazy!

  We went out to eat at the Hilton Hotel on Park Lane and it was amazing, the start of us being together forever. We finally got married just a couple of weeks ago, in front of family and friends. It was the perfect ending of one chapter of our lives and the perfect opening to another.

  When I moved to Birmingham, I went from living in a God-filled home to not attending church at all. I paid the price for that for a short while and lost my way.

  I’ve made up for that and every Sunday I go to the Audacious Church in Manchester where there is lots of singing, praying and Bible reading. I read the Bible every morning and night and as long as Christ is in me I can have victory and glory in any situation I come across.

  Joshua will be brought up the same. It helped me to get better, it strengthened my faith and it means I don’t carry any fear.

  I’m convinced God was with me during my ‘death’. For 78 minutes I was no longer here. I didn’t see any angels or Jesus but I was gone. I can’t tell you where I went – I was just gone.

  It all happened for a reason. There is more to it than that. It is the phenomenon of how God works. Things happen that we don’t understand. Dr Deaner, Dr Tobin, all of them, were there for a reason. It’s all part of a plan that we cannot get our heads around. All the men and women who saved my life did an amazing job, an incredible job and they did it for a reason.

  I would love it if what happened could be used as a shining example of just how amazing the health services are in the UK. The NHS is unbelievable – so good it takes my breath away. Paramedics, doctors, the guys who drive the ambulances, the nurses and everyone else deserve more credit and more thanks than I can ever express. They are the real heroes in society. They are the real heroes in my story too. They get brushed aside but they keep the country alive.

  #####

  I want there to be a positive impact from this story and for me to be an inspiration to other people and show them that you can do anything – anything – with your life if you’re willing to go out there and get it. As far as you can see is as far as you can reach. Visualise something and do it. It’s as simple as that.

  I look at it in this light because I realise how much worse this could have been. A tiny decision made here or there, a split-second of bad luck, a faulty defibrillator machine – whatever – means you wouldn’t be reading this book, I wouldn’t be here, Joshua wouldn’t have his dad.

  What, then, is there not to be positive about? I have a second chance at life and I want to use that and be as positive as can be. I don’t dwell on the end of my career – carrying any bitterness in my heart will not change anything.

  Look at it like this: all footballers have to retire at some point. I just had to retire early, that’s all. It’s a great sport and has given me more than I could ever have imagined but I was always going to have to jump off the ride one day. In a perfect world that would be 15 years from now. But we don’t live in a perfect world. I’m just happy to be alive in any world.

  Having to retire doesn’t mean I can’t be a good dad, a good husband, a good son. As far as I’m concerned I’ve been born again; this is my second life, my second chance. Why would I be depressed or down about that?

  I was by no means perfect before my collapse but it has shown me what I need to do to improve as a person. Maybe the way I spoke to Shauna at times, or the way I was around the house, wasn’t as it should be but that is all over now. I’m more humble than ever. More thankful. More grateful.

  Nowadays I appreciate the tiny things in life so much more. To be able to play with Joshua in the garden, to be able to see him swimming in the sea as me and Shauna watch and laugh at him, to listen to great music and eat interesting food. These are the things that make me smile.

  You have no idea, unless you’ve been there, how much of a thrill it is simply to walk, to breathe with no wires sticking out of your body, to run upstairs to fetch your glasses, to nip to the shops, to pick the little man up from school – the lot.

  If you have your health then you have everything and sometimes you have to go to the other side to appreciate what is on this side. You cannot buy that.

  I want the people reading this book to know that every single situation has some good inside it somewhere. Yes, you may have to look, and look hard, but it is there. I’ve certainly found the good from my incident and want to use that to make the future even better. It’s strengthened my belief in the idea that people have to look at themselves and Do Good. That may seem like an easy thing to say but I mean it and I want to help in any way I can.

  Enjoy your life. If you’re a parent be a good parent, be a good father to your children and be a good husband to your wife. By doing good – getting educated, loving your parents, getting a job – you are living a worthwhile life. If you’re not doing those things then you’re hurting yourself and everyone else around you.

  When the riots kicked off in London in August 2011 I was so sad and so upset. Not just because I grew up in the city but because of how pointless it was. Why? Every action has a reaction and that wasn’t the right one to what was going on in London and the country. So many kids don’t realise how lucky they are to live in a country which offers them so many chances. I’m no politician and I haven’t got all the answers but when I saw that I just felt so helpless. Some people need a wake-up call to understand how great England is and how much of a chance it gives you to make something of yourself.

  Education is so big a deal and so important but some youngsters don’t realise that and I’d love to help get that message across. Yes, dream of being a footballer or an actress but don’t dream of being any of them before you realise and understand that education comes before and above everything else. That’s what I owe my dad and I will never be able to fully thank him.

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p; I would like to go into schools and prisons and tell people my story. Show them that if a boy from Congo can make it, die, come back and keep on making it then anyone can.

  ABSOLUTELY ANYONE.

  I would love to walk in to Oxford University one day and do the same. Stick me in a lecture hall in front of 200 people and tell them the deal. Tell them that there are no limits in life. Nope. No way. I’m limitless and so is everyone else. The only limits are the ones you place on yourself and the lack of vision you show.

  If you don’t even try and find out how far you can see, how far you can dream and how much you can achieve, then what is the point? If you don’t want to see if your car has five gears then you’ll always be stuck in first while everyone else races past you.

  I want those reading this book to realise that you can do anything you want with your life if you work hard. Nothing is impossible.

  I’m a young man with the energy and drive I always had – just not the same outlet for it. But that doesn’t mean I can’t find other directions and projects to spend my life on and I’m determined that my story will not be frittered away, will not be forgotten. Fabrice Muamba – the man who came back; that is a tale I want to tell again and again until my message comes across loud and clear.

  I’ve been involved with the Arrhythmia Alliance and British Heart Foundation since my retirement, delivering a petition to Downing Street in order to get CPR taught so young people know how to do what is necessary to try and save somebody’s life. So many people get struck down by cardiac arrest these days so more knowledge and publicity is needed.

  People suffer what I did on a daily basis but, let’s be brutally honest, most don’t make it because nobody knows how to help them. The guy who collapses in the supermarket should have the same chance I had because those around him know what to do. Sadly at the moment that is not the case. I can help change all that though. As part of an ambassadorial role with Bolton I will take part in the ‘Hearts and Goals’ campaign which will raise more awareness about cardiac arrests as well as provide 500 defibrillator kits for communities across the country.